Keep your head on a swivel BC

My amigo, Shoopus Allieoopis, sent me a story about a young woman who has assaulted 4 men in Langley, B.C. The interesting part about these attacks is that they have all been aimed at the family jewels. Before you laugh about some girl going around and kicking guys in the nuts maybe you should read this excerpt from the article;

"I was looking down and then I took a passing glance and saw her walk up to me," he said.

That's when the young woman inexplicably kicked him in the groin hard enough to send one of his testicles into his abdomen.

That's right, into his fucking abdomen. JEBUS! If I am a guy living in BC you can bet that I am on high alert at all times with this crazy lady out on the street. I would also be wearing a cup and arm myself with pepper spray or mace. My balls hurt just thinking about it.

Some people had to go to work today

Tell you what dipshit

Here is what is going to happen. You are going to stop being the most unforgiving day in the week. If you don't, I am going to let the dogs have at the 12 pack of Oscar Meyer's finest tied around your waste. Your choice asshole.

P.S. A hungry dog will pretty much eat anything.

A look into the future

Every time I see pictures of Lindsay Lohan I have a few questions. What happened to her “bright” career? Why was Herbie not a critical success? How can someone work so hard all the time and still find time to have fun? And what will she look like if she makes it to 40? Unfortunately, answers to those questions seem to be complicated and hard to reach, all of them except the how she will look at the age of 40.

Earlier this year, I commissioned a crack team of age generation specialists to interpret what we can expect Lindsay to look like at the age of 40. The results were less than satisfactory. That’s when I decided that if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. So, I used my own hi tech software (MS paint) and came up with this depiction. It seems that all you have to do is draw some blonde hair on the Poltergeist lady and you have a dead ringer.

Yeeeeeeeehhhhaaaaawwwwww

Scientists hard at work on sending Balloon Boys family into space

NASA scientists announced a plan this week to send the Heene family into space. The Heenes gained national recognition with a failed publicity stunt that involved one of the children and an experimental aircraft. The stunt did not deter NASA from exploring

“Our plan,” said chief NASA scientist Charles F. Poone, “is to take the aircraft design that the Heenes created and make one that actually works. Of course, we also plan on enlarging the craft so that the whole family can fit on board for this prestigious mission.”

Charges against the family have been dropped on the condition that they participate in the study. The Heenes have signed on and will begin preparations over the next three months.

Poone stated that the training will not be too rigorous as they have already been made aware of the families’ weak stomachs. They also want to make sure that the craft is built to NASA standards.

“What we want to do is create a craft that can safely send the entire family into space.”

When pressed about further plans to retrieve the family Poone was a bit perturbed.

“I don’t think you understand. The plan is to send the family into space. That’s it. Our greatest hope in that they go out into orbit and never return again. If the balloon pops on the way up, so be it.”

It's GLORIOUS

PLEASE CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO VIEW IT'S FULL GLORY

I am proud to say that this week's Wednesday post was user submitted. Our submitter, Katy, took enough time between knife fights to create this work of art. There are so many things about this picture that pull me in. The baby infecting Wednesday with what I can only assume are measles or the pig herpes. Giraffe Puke. Friday looking like he is a Fonzi esque playboy. Thursday looks like she is a total dime. And more giraffe puke.

Pictures like this take you away to another world. Their beauty inspires you to create and inspire. I imagine this is the feeling one gets when they see the Mona Lisa or a really good video of animals doing it. This picture is my Graceland.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick

A British gentleman weighing in at an astounding 980 pounds needs a life saving operation from complications with an eating disorder (I know, I was shocked too). The thing that fascinated me the most about the article (besides that this gentleman hasn’t migrated to the northern seas) were the statistics involved. I came up with a few of my own so see if you can guess which they are.

The previous world's fattest man, Manuel Uribe, once weighed an unbelievable 1,230 pounds, but has lost more than 500 pounds after following a specially designed, low-carb diet (hey maybe this guy should try that)

A typical fart by this man weighs 2.4 pounds

He has spent much of the past eight years in bed at his home in Ipswich in Suffolk, England (to be fair, it’s a waterbed and it’s awesome)

His daily caloric intake is 20,000. That is 34.72 Big Macs or 54.05 Taco Bell bean burritos

His health care costs taxpayers an estimated $165,000 a year.(you could buy a lot of Big Macs or bean burritos with that type of scratch)

A ride in the 5 ton ambulance to the surgery will cost $148,000

I really hope that everything goes smoothly for this man as he begins a new and healthier life. I also hope to have a Big Mac later.

My life is like Oregon Trail

When I awoke in the dark this morning and stubbed my toe I couldn’t help but think that this was going to be a great day. Mondays are already just super to begin with, what with all the dealing with hangovers and the sad realization that the weekend is over. For the past few hours I have been trying to figure out a way to describe this day and I think I found a way to express that sentiment.

Right now, I feel like I am stuck in the back of the wagon on Oregon Trail. We have no more bullets left, two more rivers to ford, and Mary just broke her arm. There is a 100% chance that things are going to shit.

Monday, you aren’t Wednesday but you are getting dangerously close.

Cut from the same cloth

An answer for every question

Q: Do you like Phil Collins?

A: I have two ears and a heart don't I?

Amazazing

Shut up woman get on my horse

Throw him in the iron maiden!!!

WWBD

Go home, eat a grilled chaz samich, watch one hour of PBS, work on that paper about 80's films connection to satanic ritual and then get in to bed before the demons come to take me back to Galagon 7.

Friday face melter

This video is a very good representation of what you can expect from any of SF MUNI’s premier bus lines in the city. The highlights for me in this video were;

The use of the classic line “say that to me one more time”

That awesome jacket

Old sunglasses Mcgee watching her six

Everyone trying to ignore the situation

The most telegraphed punch in the history of time

The mouths on these two

The screaming

And the final front kick from our jacket wearing friend

They need to make more movies like Dark Blue

If only for quotes like this;

Pull this off, you'll be sitting on waterskis...
sucking fumes from my new boat...
a couple of kegs and hookers in Lake Havasu.

I think I have a new fan...EXCITING!!!

This comment was in regards to the post Killing sharks for a week is not easy . My biggest fan's name is dick, I mean Richard.

I have a better idea of what to do with your time:

1./ Grow UP!

2. No one is impressed with such a useless activity.. how hard is this?

They are USEFUL in nature, UNLIKE you... in fact, IF you really want to be famous... here is a hint:

Slice your wrists & dive in a LET YOUR CAMERAMEN PICK UP THE PHOTAGE...NOW THAT IS A SHOW, i WOULD watch, at least once... and hopefully the shark will not of your toxins! regards... am totally sick of fat white guys not wanting to be constructive with their God given lives... want to make a real difference..? Catch eatable fish (not shark!) and give them to the poor... adios

I am going to get right to work on that. Sounds fun.

So that's why he was always cooking

Jeremiah was a bullfrog…and an asshole

That’s right. He was also a womanizer and a smack addict. On many occasions he would steal from his friends in order to support these habits. To his credit, he did have some mighty fine wine. However, that is where the positives end. So if you ever happen to see a drunk/high bullfrog with a Thai hooker and a box of wine, walk the other way.