Excuse me sir, did you shit your pants?

This weekend I had the pleasure of visiting beautiful Delores Park in the Mission District on a fantastically sunny day to watch the red bull soap box races. Due to the fact that it was such a nice day out I decided to treat myself to a couple of cold fresh beers. The cold beers tasted great but because of my child sized bladder I had to make more than a few trips to one of the many porta potty stations all over the park. When I first went up to the lines for the toilet I noticed that one stall did not have a line in front of it. A nice older gentleman who looked to be accompanied by an escort explained that someone had jumped into the stall about ten minutes ago and was not coming out. You have to feel for someone in a situation like that. I reasoned to myself that he must have some case of explosive diarrhea or he was doing drugs in the toilet. Either way he was in there for a reason.
You can imagine my surprise when I returned to the same area about a half hour later and our friend was still in the toilet. Although, people had now begun to bang on the stall door and were trying to force the door open. Not until a half an hour later with the cops finally at the door did any response come from inside. He finally emerged after an officer came to the door with what looked like running pants for him to put on, which leads me to why I wrote about this incident in the first place.
If you are going to be stuck in a porto potty there better be one hell of a goddamned good reason that you could stay in a bucket of filth that long. Obviously, this guy must have shit his pants and he didn’t want to come out until the party was over. I began to think of other possible reasons that could compel one to stay in a place like that for so long. Here is what I came up with at the time;

He is high as fuck on drugs and the tight space and smell of that porto water were the only things that helped him stay calm.

Someone at the races had him marked for death and he had to hide in the john until he was able to get a police escort out of the area.

This person has a fetish for doodie and was getting his rocks off doing a little poo play.

Our friend may have had too much to drink and he wanted to take a nap without being bothered.

Or ……SHIT HIS PANTS AND STAYED WITH HIS POO PANTS ON IN THAT PORTO POTTY FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF WHILE EVERYBODY KNOCKED ON THE DOOR UNTIL THE COPS CAME WITH A CLEAN PAIR OF SHORTS FOR HIM UNTIL HE WALKED OUT OF THE THING LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED WITH A LOOK LIKE “WHAT THE FUCK ARE ALL OF YOU LOOKING AT”!!!

Working on the weekends

Things have been tight around the Destruction household lately. Like I have said in the past I do a lot of different jobs to make ends meet during the week. I do just enough to have the essentials necessary for the type of lifestyle I live. You know, food, clothes, a roof over my head, porn, beer, slip n slides and oil paintings of myself, normal stuff. Yet, I find myself sitting there on the weekend with little money to go out and treat myself to a nice dinner or to catch a musical (musical = Stripclub). That’s why I have decided that I would like to start working on the weekends for a while. Now I don’t want a job that is going to take up the whole weekend and I want a job that I would enjoy doing. That’s why I have decided to become a male stripper.

I am going to become one of those male strippers that come to the house during a batchelorette or grandmothers tea party. I feel like my talent for acting and showmanship would not be utilized as effectively in the strip club environment. This is not to say that I don’t have the dancing skills needed to be a club performer. I am a fucking tremendous dancer. I just feel that the art of coming to a party where only a few people know you are going to be performing really adds to the excitement. Plus, I have a awesome idea to spice up the mundane practicum’s that have plagued this job.

For far too long male strippers have been relegated to using the same boring costumes and acts whenever they enter a situation of sexiness. Whether it’s the policeman sent over because of the noise complaints or the plumber that’s here to “fix some pipes,” it has all grown old and tired. That’s why I think that I am going to do so well as a stripper who does house calls. I am going to show up as and explorer.

I am going to knock on the door in a full head to toe safari outfit. I plan to look something like this gentleman here;

When someone answers the door I will politely ask, in an English accent, to be invited in to take a look at the house. “You see,” I will say, “I apologize for intruding upon your party but I have been searching far and wide for a very special treasure that has eluded me for years and I think that this house may contain the answers.” At this point I think I will have captivated the crowd enough that someone will eventually ask me exactly what it is I have been searching for. That’s when I pull out the boombox with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now cued up and tell them “the treasure I have been searching for is some hot female snatch that is ready to ogle my grinding man meat.” I expect an eruption of chaos and excitement as these ladies begin to make it rain with 20’s. Let me know what you think.

We need a new type of debate

Thank god that was the final debate last night. I have a hard time watching the debates because I feel like we are seeing the person trying to put forward the best image of themselves as possible while sugarcoating their beliefs and ideals. Of course this is going to happen, but I just wanted you to know. I need people to hear my feelings because I am insecure and if I don’t express myself I get upset that nobody knows how I feel and that leads to me soaking in a bubble bath and crying my eyes out while I drink Nyquil, but I digress. The problem is that in America today we value much more than just a message or an image. We need to see actual results in action. That is why I have a plan to get rid of debates in general and to institute what I call Physical Challenges.

These physical challenges will be a series of mental, physical, and emotional tests that each candidate must go through before a live audience. Now I haven’t really narrowed these down yet but I think that if I could throw out a few ideas maybe we could start brainstorming or start a think group, whatever. Here are my initial thoughts;

Have the first challenge actually be a physical challenge from the show Double Dare. I recommend that is be one where they have the bucket on their head and they have to fill it by squeezing juice out of something, hopefully oversized foam fruit.

Wild bird calling.

Have the contestants play a game of darts. Each candidate has to have three alcoholic drinks of their choice throughout the game.

Swimsuit competition.

Each candidate will be shown a series of pictures in the same order while attached to a heart rate monitor. These pictures will be very sexy, but of both a hetero and homo sexual nature. Maybe even some kinky animal stuff?

Freestyle rap battle

The candidates must each play a game of Pictionary with their family. It would be a really great look at the family dynamic and how much pressure the candidates put on their children for failing.

Hidden talent.

The candidates must be locked in a room with a crazy left wing or right wing activist who has just smoked a pretty large amount of rock cocaine and try to see how long they can talk to them before the security has to come in.

Log rolling.


Each contestant will have to do both the American Gladiator “Eliminator” and “the Crag” from guts. This part of the competition will be timed.

That’s all I have for now. I think that if we could find a way to make all of these events have a relevant scoring system this could really work. In the event of a tie we will have the candidates square off in some type of cage fight with an assortment of weapons and wild animals in the cage. All of the representatives of government must dress up like they are in Mad Max and the referee will be Tina Turner. As always, I am open to suggestions.

Wednesday tip

Always wipe twice.

RED WINE

No, I am not talking about the song by UB40. I am talking about sweet red wine, the nectar of the gods. As evidenced by yesterday’s post I am none to thrilled with Monday’s as of late and I needed a pick me up. Well guess who was there for me when I truly needed someone. That’s right, red wine. You happen to be delicious when poured into spaghetti sauce. You also happen to be delicious when I pour you down my throat. I don’t give a flying boner if you stain my teeth and clothing. I just like you for you. That’s why I would like to address this letter to red wine so that the whole world can see my feelings.

Dear Red Wine.

Let’s make babies and fly away to the south of France and live in small château for the rest of our days. We could take long horseback rides across the sweeping countryside and pretend to become cheese connoisseurs. I would massage your back and you could massage my stomach. I long for the time when I will feel your embrace and whisper sweet nothings into your ear as we watch the sun dip into the ocean whilst aboard my gigantic pleasure yacht.

Sexually yours,
Burt

Maybe we could try to repackage this Monday

I have noticed that over the years companies have learned to rebrand themselves in ways that serve the company interests. A few notable examples would be;

Bringing Jack back to the Jack n the Box commercials

KFC making the colonel a wise cracking hip-hop snowboarding chicken hawker and then changing him back to the folksy old racist grandpa

Mountain Dew branding itself the extreme soda (but aren’t all sodas extreme?)

Anyways, I think that these types of changes brought the companies back to a notoriety that they had long since lost. You see, I don’t think that any one respects Mondays anymore. And why would you? They stink. Ever since that movie Office Space came out and the line “a case of the Mondays” was uttered people have associated Monday’s, already a horrible day at this point, as an almost terminal type of disease. That’s why I think it would help if why tried to repackage Monday as a newer and hipper weekday. From now on I think that we should call Monday, HJandcheeseburgersday. Hopefully, we could get some fast food companies to sponsor it so that every Monday you can go and get a cheep cheeseburger with which you can enjoy your HJ to. I am open to ideas though.

JOOSE!!!!!!

The other week I was lucky enough to hang out with my friend Catfish. I was already balls deep in some Mickey’s so Catfish went down to the store to get some supplies. Upon returning from the store I noticed that he had gotten something besides the usual 40 oz of malt liquor. He instead got the energy enhanced, 24 ounce malt liquor JOOSE. I think it tastes like gasoline mixed with tangerine juice. Catfish thinks it tastes like assholes. Here is how one company insider defines it;

JOOSE has been described by Terry Kester, VP of United Brands Co., as "a little bit of mango, a little bit of papaya and a little bit of lightning."

Now I don’t know about you but I have never tried to drink lightning. You know, because it could fucking kill you. I think that Terry is obviously trying promote the product as an edgy no nonsense type of brand for the serious malt liquor drinker. JOOSE also has its own catch phrase for when people drink it. Wikipedia has this in its definition;

In the popular lexicon drinking a JOOSE is described as "getting on the grid."

Getting on the grid indeed. Let me tell you something. I “got on the grid” and was not very impressed. Now maybe that is because I have not taken the time to try all four JOOSE flavors. I must be missing out because the feedback from fans of JOOSE on the website is extremely positive. Here is one comment from one of many satisfied customers;

Josh, Beaverton, OR 9/25/08
JOOSE has changed my life! All of a sudden the sun is brighter, the grass is greener, girls look better, and I can stay up for days straight! Portland, Oregon hasn’t been the same since you have invaded our town. Drink JOOSE! For we…are JOOSECORE!

With a review like that and many other ones here , I think I might just have to change my mind about never drinking a JOOSE again. I also encourage all ten people who read this blog to weigh in on how things were when you “got on the grid.” Also, please let me know if anyone dies from drinking it. That lightning taste still has me freaked out.

Burt and the Beanstalk

Last night the American public was treated to round two of Obama vs. McCain. I only caught the first segment of the debate where the topic was, unsurprisingly, the economy. It is the hot topic on everyone’s mind these days and it was inevitable that it would be a point of focus. My problem with these debates is the constant rhetoric from both sides trying to distance themselves from the crisis and explaining how they wouldn’t have let this happen under “their plans.” Well obviously that is what they are going to say. It’s not like they are going to approve of the current situation. I just think that if the question was posed to me I would have a new take on it. Therefore, I would like to pose the question to myself.

“Mr. Destruction, given the current state of the economy and our recent plan to help stimulate it what is your plan to help right the ship that is our economy?”

Well Tom, first I would like to say thank you to the American people and these jackasses here in the town hall meeting. Seriously though, I think I may have a plan that isn’t very conventional but a solid one nonetheless. Do you remember that story about Jack and the magic beanstalk? Well, I have a feeling that it may actually be based on fact. That’s why the first part of my plan would center on finding these “magic beans,” wherever they may be. Once we have the beans we can plant and water them until we have a beanstalk that grows into the clouds. From there I would send in a crack recovery unit to invade the giant’s castle in the sky and try to steal some of the giant’s gold. We would have to be a lot quicker and quieter than young Jack was. I think that if we can get a good amount of the giant’s gold and escape undetected this might just be the thing to get our economy back in shape. I say that because Giant gold is ten times the size of regular gold and probably worth more. I base that on no facts at all. Also, we are going to have to cut the beanstalk down once they return so that the giant doesn’t come down to take back his gold. Can you say expanded job market? Shit, we are going to need a ton of Americans to cut that sucker down and then get rid of the waste from the beanstalk. If that isn’t a plan to stimulate and invigorate this economy I don’t know what is. [Throw mic down on the ground, flex a few times, and make gesture with hands to show penis size.]

I think that this argument would compel many Americans to vote for me based on my outside the box thinking and overall sexiness. I would also smile a lot and make eye contact.

My brain hurt

If you didn’t know HSM3 is coming out pretty soon. If you didn’t know that, you probably also didn’t know that HSM3 is High School Musical 3, Disney’s extremely successful movie series. I have happened to catch a few of the previews on TV and I have to tell you I am extremely confused as to what this movie is about. Now what I am about to say may surprise you, but I have yet to catch either HSM or HSM2. Obviously, this is a movie with a lot of singing and dancing, but what else is it about? Well if I was to explain it simply based on the trailers I have seen, here are a few predictions that I have for this movie;

The one girl with the big nose is a real jerk and she wants the spotlight to be on her. She will eventually learn the lesson of being a team player and in the end have an emotional breakthrough with the group. Emotional breakthrough = gangbang.

At some point a basketball game will be interrupted by an impromptu dance routine. The dancing will help the team to focus and they will win the game. They will most likely be playing a school for the deaf and blind.

For some reason something will happen between the male and female leads that makes them question their relationship. I expect it’s probably because they are seniors in high school and they haven’t bumped uglies yet.

The black guy will have a really cool catch phrase.

The unpopular kids at school will have a crazy liquor fueled sex party. There will be no singing or dancing at this party, because popular people don’t do that kind of stuff.

At some point there is going to have to be some sort of final dance where they all sing together before deciding which one of the non believers must be sacrificed to appease the God Zuel. It’s a metaphor for going off to college.

I know the basketball scene is kind of a stretch, but I am just going off of what the commercials show me.

Somebody's going shopping

I have to admit. I have been down in the dumps recently. It feels like the world is caving in around me and that I am struggling just to keep my head above water. You see, I am going bald, in my pubes. It is terribly embarrassing. You think about it all day and night. It makes you think twice about taking your clothes off in order to make love to a sweet lady. I haven’t had sex with the lights on in months. This is never what I would have expected to feel like when I started to lose hair around little Burt. Close friends would recommend that I throw caution to the wind and shave it all off. Yet, I just can’t do that. It feels like I would be denying myself my manliness. The hair down there is just as important as the silken locks on the top of my head (which look great BTW). Now a new hope burns inside of me, I am going to purchase a merkin;

Merkin – Imitation pubic hair. A pubic wig.

That’s right! I’m back. It’s a whole new world for me. I feel like my confidence is going to be back. That old swagger is going to return. Along with the lights when I make sexuals raaaarrrrrrr. The biggest decision that I have to make now is the style of my merkin. Should I go with the low key brown curly wig or should I try that multicolor emo look. I might even buy a bunch of different ones to mix it up. I am open to suggestions and would love to hear what kind of merkin you think I should get.

Happy Birthday Count Assula

Well he has been back in the city for a while spreading his joy and good cheer to many. He has helped the disadvantaged and once again gained a strong foothold in the city by the bay. Kudos to you Count Assula! Why don’t you take a day off and enjoy your special day? I am not saying that this gives you carte blanches to do whatever that perverted mind of yours wants, you already have that. Go out and get in a knife fight, drink a quart of whiskey, pee yourself in a fancy restaurant, and make sure that you are in bed by a reasonable time.

God Speed you Crazy Sex Beast.

Nice try Rocketman

Yves Rossy is some swiss dude that gets thrown out of planes with a backpack on that looks like he has wings. With these wings he can increase his time spent in the air and his ability to cover great distances in a short amount of time. This past week he was able to cross the English Channel with his special wings. I really don’t know how I feel about this accomplishment. The amazing thing is that this man is flying, which is tremendous. The boring thing is that his wings aren’t real and the person flying isn’t me. I am not saying that I don’t respect what he is doing. This type of thing reeks of adventure and I bet chicks totally dig it. I am just saying that maybe we should all hold off on giving him handjobs until he does it with naturally grown human wings. Now that would be impressive. I am currently working on growing mine right now.

Confidence

I found this photo today on Afrojacks.com. I don't know who this young gentleman is or what he does with his life but I want to meet him. Why? I will tell you why. That young man has confidence. Look at his face. That is a face that says I will drink from your tears of jealousy. A face that cries out I am all that is man. This kind of confident fellow is exactly the kind of person that all young people should model themselves after. He could take you one on one in basketball and then impress you with his impeccable manners at a five star restaurant. This child has IT. I think he may be my son.

Dancing with the Stars made a huge mistake

I was watching TV last night in my underground fortress when I noticed that a new season of Dancing with the Stars is on. It surprised me because I had not been asked to be on the show yet. I figured by now they had gotten to my status of celebrity which is no status. I mean Kim Kardashian is on the show and she is famous for letting someone piss on her. Now I am not saying that I would let someone piss on me to be on DWTS but I would hope that some of the other things I have done in life would get me on that stage. But Burt, why would you care about being on DWTS when you have done so many other awesome things and chicks in you lifetime? I know that this question was inevitable but I will tell you why. I think I can win this thing.
Very few people know that I was once a three time Salsa dance champion. I used to teach salsa and perform in annual tournaments around the country. I have a natural gift for dance. It is as though god made me a vessel to deliver the sexiest moves this earth or any earth (except for middle earth) has ever seen. The one thing that does worry me is that this is not just a Salsa competition, there are many different types of dancing moves that I will need to master. I am not worried though. If that hyperventilating piglet Marie Osmand can do the rumba then anything is possible. Besides, the real way to win this thing is to wear tighter pants than all the other contestants and to dance with a semi. The only people that call in and vote for this show are gay men and women over the age of 65. This thing is in the bag.

So what?

Josh Howard doesn’t like the national anthem, so the fuck what? I myself don’t mind taking off my hat before a game and listening to the song. I have done it for years and never have been bothered by the need for it to be played before many events in our culture. At the same time I don’t care if some other guy doesn’t like the song. He, much more than myself, might have a better reason for not feeling that the anthem is something he can get behind. It is not Hip Hop enough. The SBB could use a fresh remix. That is the reason that I think Josh has such a problem with it. Well, that and the whole slavery thing.

Shame on you Tony

Tony Kornheiser has once again put himself in the spotlight by being “controversial” with some of the comments that he made on Monday night football. It seems that this is what we can expect from Tony these days because that is how he has gained national recognition and that is how he is going to stay in the public eye. It’s part of his image and what ESPN hired him for. I am not going to sit here and ask Tony to put himself in the shoes of another person and think how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Instead, I am going to continue to ignore his rants and try to come up with a solution to cover that gigantic solar panel on his head. Here are some of my thoughts;

Borrow some hair from John Madden.

Try the risky surgery of removing hair from his beard/ass and have it glued to his head.

CGI hair (I think ESPN could afford it).

Shave the rest of his hair off and try to go with the Mr. Clean look.

Wear a new hat every week. Next week should be a sombrero.

Those are pretty lame suggestions. I am just trying to get a dialog going and since my skills in Photoshop are limited to MS paint I would love to see if anyone could put together a picture of what you think Tony could do to stop blinding us. My attempt is below.

Eagle Eye did it

My good friend Doug recently brought up the new Shia Lebouf movie that is soon to hit the theatres. Although it is not completely clear I believe that Eagle Eye is some sort of government entity that has access to any and all people and networks. Well the thing is that this Eagle Eye concept is real. Trust me I have spent enough time within the inner sanctums of our government to know that we have something like this and most of the time it is calling the shots. I have compiled a list of some of the things that Eagle Eye is responsible for and I thought that I would share it with you.

Eagle Eye told OJ to go steal his memorabilia from the vegas hotel room.

Eagle Eye is the reason that the Eagles split up and then got back together again.

Eagle Eye saw me watching porn this morning.

Eagle Eye sent those dirty pictures of you to all your friends email with the handcrafted note to each person that would make it seem like you are propositioning them for sex, which is pretty believable.

Eagle Eye is responsible for the peanut butter and jelly combo jar at the supermarket.

Eagle Eye is the one who destroyed your bathroom last weekend after eating all that BBQ food and then wouldn’t admit to it.

Eagle Eye used to be Edward James Olmos.

Eagle Eye is responsible for every major war and the new KFC snacker bowl.

Eagle Eye was the person that called you for like a week straight and just kept hanging up.

Eagle Eye is really being watched and controlled by Red Eye which is a giant butt hole in space.

What has Eagle Eye done to you?

Richard Wright

Yesterday was marked by the unfortunate passing of Richard Wright, a founding member of Pink Floyd. On their website the band states that Richard had passed away due to a short bout with cancer. Although it is very sad news I almost find it puzzling that a disease like cancer could take out a man who probably has done a thousand things more life threatening to himself during his time on earth. It’s almost like hearing Keith Richards passed away due to old age. It almost feels like we are being cheated. That maybe a more fitting way to go would be riding a hot air balloon into outer space or being devoured by a pride of lions while on a bad acid trip. Anyways, thanks for the tunes.

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

Man oh man do I hate Fridays sometimes. Although people are generally happier because the weekend is here it isn’t always the easiest day to get through. Sometimes when I work on Friday’s I often wonder what it would be like if everybody got up and started rioting.

I have been to prison many times in my life and I feel like I have gotten to experience a few really good riots. Besides the occasional knife fight in the shower and making wine in your toilet, riots really are what make prison life bearable. It gives you a chance to get creative and get some of that aggression out. When else are you going to have that much time to make a really fancy shank or cut that guy’s stomach up whose really been asking for it? After you have sealed off the entrances with barricades you tend to focus on those things a lot. I mean the only real bummer about a prison riot, a good prison riot, is when the guards come back armed with tear gas and non-lethal weaponry, but I digress. Now that I have been out of prison for a while I have missed that visceral experience.

Why can’t we have a riot here in our corporate office? I could see how this would go down. Someone from Human Resources explains that we are going to be downsizing and that there will be significant pay cuts. At the company meeting to make this announcement someone will inevitably tackle the CEO and take them hostage. There isn’t enough security to take on a rabid workforce of underpaid people so they will have to retreat and negotiate later. Meanwhile, a couple more of the higher ups have been held hostage with the CEO in that one cramped meeting room that smells like someone spilt coffee in it. The next step would be to fashion weapons and I think that the supply closet would be of great benefit for making that extra special weapon. I think if it were up to me I would try to make stapler nunchucks. Now all that is left to do is block the entrances and ration the food from the vending machines. Inevitably, there is going to be a power struggle and the cops are eventually going to get brought in. All riots come to an end sooner or later but I think that with the right type of planning and positive attitude it could last for well over a week. Any thoughts on how to maintain an office riot?

Yes he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell

My interview with Richard Grieco

1) Richard Grieco, you were considered a sex symbol of the 80's. What is it about you that women find attractive?
That's a very good question to ask. Oh hold on one second. (speaking offline) Mom can I get that splenda or what!???!?!?! (comes back on line) Sorry I was just making sure that my assistant had a splenda for me before I do this interview. The Greekster always needs a splenda to do his interviews. Anyhoo where were we? Ahh yes. The attraction that the ladies have for me. First off I would like to question the logic of your question. I think I heard you say that I used to be a sex symbol. There is your first problem. I am STILL a sex symbol. Always have been, always will be. Now that is cleared up lets talk about what has kept me there for so long. In no particular order the top five traits that got the greekster were he is today are the brows, the hair, the tan, the hair, and the greico stare. If you are not familiar with the G Stare…I have that patented by the way…it is when I tilt my head down to a 45 degree angle and look at the camera from the left side of my face with my eyes slightly looking downward. Its an immediate way to get the girls vajay into the Greicoshpere.
2) Richard Grieco, what movie and or actor inspired you to follow a career in the arts?
Who inspired me? Wow that is a tough one. I mean so much has been just myself and the brows. You know? If I had to pick someone though I would probably go with Scott Baio. I took his formula for the craft and then added a little bit more sex appeal to the roles I played in. I think that if I had been born a decade earlier I would have been Charles in Charge. Cristian Slater also was a huge impact. He has a similar move to the G stare he likes to call the slater scowl. Its pretty much the same thing I do but without as cool of a name. Finally, I would have to say a lot of my inspiration came from Ghandi. I mean he is all about peoples rights and stuff, and he is all about peace. And believe me Richard Fucking Greico is all about getting a peace too.
3) In 1989 21 Jump St. was at the height of it's commercial fame and you and Johnny Depp had emerged as breakout stars. The next year he did Edward Scissorhands and You Did if Looks Could Kill. Explain.
What drove me towards the role of novice high school traveler turned super spy Michael Corben was the simplicity of the role and the fringe benefits. I was offered the role of faggy dildohands but I found out that I would have to wear a bunch of makeup, and the greekster never wears makeup…except for a little toner and base from time to time. Anyways, the producers said I could have carte blanche over the script and all the coke I could handle. Besides it was a free trip to Canada and that hot chick from scent of a woman was my costar. Also, they let me keep the Ferrari that I drove during the movie, and the trunk was filled with coke.
4) How did you loose you virginity?
I lost my virginity like most young men do. I lost it in front of a producer from Hollywood who was filming it for his private archives. It was with the producers wife so that made the whole situation a lot more relaxed. You would think that an 8 year old would have a tough time having sex on camera, but I thought that his wife did a great job. In retrospect that video was probably not the greatest thing for my career. I feel like if I didn't have that hanging over my head I would have been the star of all these lampoon movies that are all the rage in Hollywood. Man I would have been the shit in disaster movie.
5) Can you give us a brief run through of a typical day in Grieco's world?
Typical day for the greekster is as follows. After I wake up in the morning I usually take the gun out of my mouth and head down to the kitchen for a little breakfast made by my personal chef. I usually then start going through my voicemails and messages from producers about what kind of things I have in the pipeline. That's the craziest thing about being RG. One day you may be the new face of Alpo canned cat food and the next you may be holding a sign on Hollywood BLVD for a mattress sale for a character study that you are working on for a mattress commercial. Usually my days are pretty booked up until the early evening but then it's a little me time. I try to hit up a hot spot or two to make sure that the ladies know that the Gman is still out there pounding the pavement for Puss. I usually don't go in the clubs but I think we all know that the vibe has been put out. I usually get my assistant to pick me up down the street from where I was putting out the vibe. Then when I get home I like to go to my room and watch some of my past work Last night I watched Point Doom. By the lack of response I am sure you have seen it and are spellbound by my awesomeness in that movie. After the movie and a late night HJ session I put on my face mask and hit the sack.
6) Richard, If your looks could kill, who would be the first victim?
That's a simple question. Anyone in blast radius. If I could see you my looks wouldn't just kill you. They'd explode you. I would have to go out with a mask over my face if looks could kill. I would be labled a terrorist threat if looks could kill. It would go North Korea, al Quada, and Greico not paticularily in that order. Fuck that was a stupid question. Got any more brain busters?
7) Here at 5thyear.com we love hearing good drinking stories, can you tell us about a good bender with another celebrity?
One time during the nineties I am with Depp at poison show and we have just gotten back stage. 21 jump street had just ended its run and we wanted to blow off a little steam before our new movies came out. The perfect place to be was the poison concert because of the class of ass and the fact that we didn't have to pay for tickets. Anyways, we are sitting in the front row until brett Michaels invites us back stage for drinks and blowjobs. Michaels is making cocktails with whiskey robistusin and speed and there is a bunch of hot tail everywhere. I drank about four of those and blacked out. I woke up in 2006 on my moms couch and no clue how I could have made so many shitty movies while in a cocktail induced coma. But I am clean now and I am really looking forward to staring producing and directing If looks could kill MORE. We are filming in Turkey.

The Golden Asshole Award

It’s Friday and I am bored so I thought I would try to spark an intellectual debate. Now for those of you who didn’t know, from time to time I can be a real asshole. That’s why I have decided to have this discussion in order to determine the winner of the Golden Asshole, an award that can have many winners, I assure you. The Golden Asshole is the award for who you personally think is this week’s biggest asshole. It can be any person you want but please try to give a little explanation for your choice. My nomination is for Tony Danza because he could have stayed on Who’s the Boss? but thought he was better than the show, thereby ruining one of the most in depth character driven shows on television. Will that Mona ever stop being so raunchy? I guess we will never know. Thanks a whole fuck load Tony.

Where the FUCK is Steve Sanders?

Disgusted. Appalled. Hurt. Peeved. Constipated. Those are just a few of the words that I would use to describe my feelings last night about the premier of the new Beverly Hills 90210. Now I am a pretty savvy person when it comes to media news and I was well aware that the new 90210 would return a few people from the first show. I know that Ian Zeiring was not mentioned in any of the press releases for the show but I still had faith that he would be the surprise guest star. Nope. The Z-man was no where to be seen. What the fuck is wrong with you people? How hard is it to write Steve Sanders into this show? It would not be hard at all and I will tell you why.

Steve Sanders was a total loser. He was the running joke on that show. I know you may ask how someone with such badass style and a permed mullet could be such a dork. It was because Brian Austin-Green already had the wigger role taken care of while Preistly and Perry had way too sweet sideburns for comic relief. So the role had to fall to the Z-man. That’s why he could be on this show though. All you have to do is still have him hanging around Beverly Hills high still. He doesn’t work but lives on a trust fund. He is always hanging around the school offering underage girls rides home from school in his busted ass sports car. Campus security is constantly on the lookout for him after he was found doing coke and exposing himself in the first floor women’s bathroom. I mean how is this not in the script? It makes perfect sense. He would still be the comic relief but in a much more creepy and realistic way. If he is not in the next episode I will never watch it again.

Holy shit that is strong coffee

I went down to my local bagel shop this morning and got a cup of coffee. This coffee was strong. So strong that the second I took my first sip I had to shit. It was almost instantaneous. Now don’t get me wrong, I like a strong cup of coffee. Hell, that’s why I buy it. However, if I am going to buy a cup of coffee I don’t want it to be so strong that after one sip I feel like I have a gnome inside me punching my intestines. In the words of Dennis Leary I just want some fucking coffee flavored coffee. I want it to taste good and not leave me with the undeniable need to play battleshits. I think that it is time I switch to tea, maybe some chamomile with cream and a lemon twist. Thoughts?

Dey snakes out dere dis beeg

Yes Cube there are. In fact when I was on the set of the movie Anaconda I saw many snakes that happened to be that “beeg.” You see, I played Jon Voight playing a greasy South American boat captain and snake hunter. I had to go into makeup four three hours every day before shooting to get to look exactly like Voight. They also made me wear a sagging body suit because my perfectly sculpted physique did not match up with the weathered body of the Midnight Cowboy. Anyways, the movie was shot with real snakes. They told people at the theaters that the snakes were CGI because they didn’t want people walking into the woods and trying to hunt these things down. Believe me, these animals have gigantic teeth, massive crushing power, extremely cold skin, and a thirst for human blood. They’re a lot like Jennifer Lopez in that respect. Burn!

We need to bring him back

What happened to television shows like Alf? This was perhaps one of the most universally applauded shows ever to grace the TV screen. Where else are you going to find a protagonist that cynical who also has an unquenchable thirst for cat blood? I bet you would be hard pressed to find any other show that has a character like that. More than anything, I would like to see Alf return to TV and make my world bright again. At the same time I worry about what it would mean for Alf to return. I have no doubt that the product would not be packaged the same way it was back then. Therefore, I have decided to draw up a few plot lines that I would think could make the show relevant to a larger audience while not taking away from the cat killing humor.

The family in the show is going to be replaced by the Winslow family from Family Matters with Reginald VelJohnson continuing his role as Carl.

Harriet Winslow will now be played by a CGI robot that has an affinity for her cat breeding job. (you can already see tons of storylines there)

The family’s house is going to be on top of a small grocery store that Carl runs. Carl was fired from the police force for eating too many twinkies on the job.

No Urkel.

The next door neighbor Gomez is going to be played by Paul Rodriguez. He is good friends with Carl but has seen Alf a few times and thinks he is the Chupacabra. He is always trying to get into Carl’s house so he can capture Alf and sell him.

Alf is exactly the same. No changes.

In his free time Alf likes to solve cold case murders that Carl could never solve when he was on the force.

There is a cooking portion on the show.

This is a reality TV show.

I think that this is a good start in getting Alf back onto TV. Of course, I am welcome to hear whatever types of ideas that you may have to make Alf a more relevant TV product for today’s audience. Please help me to get this show back on the air.

He is out there...I can smell him

After the disappointment of last week’s Bigfoot debacle I have decided to pack up my bags and head into the woods to track this elusive creature down. But Burt, what makes you think that you will be able to catch the Bigfoot when so many others have failed? Well, I have a different approach than most people. I am going to throw the Bigfoot a party. I figure I will get airlifted out to a predetermined location (no I am not telling you) and bring the supplies that I think will get this party started right. And by supplies I mean a pound of mushrooms, and liter of jaegermeister, six candy bars, a Hustler, and a keg of miller high life. I also forgot to mention the boom box that I am going to bring. My plan is to eat a bunch of the mushrooms, tap the keg and then put on my super awesome Bigfoot mix tape (a mix of speed metal and Phil Collins). I figure all I have to do then is wait. Once Bigfoot gets there or I hallucinate him being there I will take photographic evidence and say the pictures are just for me. Once I have lulled him into a false sense of security BAM! Karate chop to the back of the neck and he is out. The hard part is going to be hiking him out on my back, and having to knock him out every once and a while. I don’t plan on handing him over to experts but rather letting him hang at my place for a few days to see how the other half lives. I think it will be funny to see how he reacts to sandwiches and mini malls. Then a few days later when he is adjusting to living life in this new world BAM! I knock him out and drop him right back out in the woods. Why? Because I can.

Blatant false advertising

The other day I went to the movies and was ripped off. In the hopes of not being a spoiler I wanted to let you know that in no way is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 a porno. One can be easily deceived by its poster which shows four young women touching, hugging and giggling with one another. Well, at least I was. Another thing that led me to think that this would be a highly erotic movie is that it is about “traveling pants.” I don’t know what that means but that wording coupled with the poster led me to believe that this would at least be a really good girl on girl film. Instead, I was given a movie about friendship and how growing up can affect those friendships. Boring! The whole time I was waiting for a random pizza man or plumber to come into the scene. I kept waiting for some huge dildo to be “accidently” left at the dinner table. There isn’t even nudity!!!
What I have realized since this movie is that I am not as quick as I once was. In my older age I have developed a hubris that seems to think I will always be right. Well, I have learned a valuable lesson about going to movies without checking the review. I have also learned that I need to stick to the internet for porn. I want my $8.50 back.

Uncle Hulka?

I don't have the words to describe the beauty of this. This man may very well be my long lost uncle.

You want to impress me motherfucker?...Take the wheel

Much has been made recently of Michael Phelps and his “unbelievable” dominance in the summer Olympics for which he has been rewarded with 8 Gold medals. This feat has led him to become the all time leader in gold medals for anyone that has participated in the Olympics. It is safe to say that this is an amazing accomplishment, but where do you go from here? What is the next step to continue the legend that is Phelps? For one thing I can tell you that it is not going to be in a pool. You see, he has reached the mountain top. He has proved to the world that he is the greatest. The only thing that he can do in the next Olympics is match the feat and perhaps add to his already amazing total of gold medals. Basically, he needs to find a way to stay relevant outside of the pool. That’s were one of his Olympic brethren is going to act as the model for which he must follow. Of course, I am talking about my main man Carl Lewis.
Carl Lewis was one of the most amazing athletes of all time, a force within the world of track and field. Yet, Carl was not a one trick pony. He knew that there was life after sport and he focused on finding exactly what that was. What Carl found is that he is also one of the greatest musical performers of all time. This music video is what, for me, only increased the legend that is Carl Lewis.



Now if Michael Phelps can make a video that is better than this I will anoint him god of Olympia. Until that happens I am not impressed.

IT'S FRIDAY...LETS ROCK

Pssst I have a secret

From time to time I realize that I am a bit overwhelming. If you were to base my personality entirely on this blog I think that you would tend to get a certain image of me. Yes, I am an extreme daredevil sex magician that burns with the fires of a thousand tribes while I set forth to conquer every challenge I face on this earth. But that isn’t the only thing that is me. You would find out there is a lot more to me if you dig a little deeper. There is another side to me that I don’t think people would expect, a softer side. With that in mind I thought I would share some things that you may have never expected from big ole bad Burt;

I cry once a year at the winter solstice to let out all of the sad juice in my body

My favorite Golden Girl is Blanche

I was a backup dancer for Dirty Dancing

I collect doilies

I have an extensive record collection of soft jazz

My biggest pet peeve is grocery carts with broken wheels

And………

I LOVE PUPPIES

I am going to go fishing...for Megaladon

The weather has been getting a little nicer lately in my area. I also have been looking to the skies and noticed that most of the bird population has been heading inland. This can only mean one thing. There is a Megaladon off the coast and I must hunt it. If you are not familiar with the megaladon here is a brief description from wikipedia;

The megalodon (pronounced /ˡmɛ.gə.ləˌdɒn/ or MEG-a-la-don; meaning "big tooth" or in Greek as μέγας 'οδόντος) was a giant shark that lived in prehistoric times, between about 18 million to 1.5 million years agoa[›] and was the apex predator of its time. It is the largest carnivorous fish known to have existed,[1] and quite possibly the largest shark to have ever lived. It is believed that the average size of the megalodon was between 12 metres (39 ft) and 18 metres (59 ft). This species is a member of the Lamnidae family but its classification is in dispute …..

Blah Blah Blah more science talk. Basically, this animal is a great white shark the size of a school bus. The entry goes on to say that people think that these animals may still exist in certain waters. Well they do. What do you think happened to all those people in the Burmuda triangle? Yeah, it was Megaladons. So this week I have decided to head out to the “triangle” as I like to call it and try and catch me a biggun. For this journey I am going to need a few things;

Bottle of whiskey
Row Boat
Cuban cigars
Side of beef
Bowie knife
Nose plugs
Hello Kitty Backpack
Floss
The easiest way to hunt the beast is to get out into the middle of the “triangle” and drop the meat overboard. The next step is to drink all of the whiskey. Believe me, you do not want to do this sober. Once the beast is in your sites you must entice it by dancing in the boat naked with the Hello Kitty backpack on. For some reason the mix of the colors and nudity pisses these things right off. As the monster approaches from the deep you need to make sure that your timing is on because you have to make sure that it eats you whole. I miss calculated one time and one of them got a good piece of my heel. Once inside the animal just cut your way out with the knife. Its pretty straight forward but the hard part is after that. Most of the time the row boat is going to be destroyed so you have to make a boat out of the animal carcass, which usually smells like four types of shit. However, upon arrival home after battling the seas and hungry sea birds you are going to have a good amount of meat and a pretty satisfied feeling.

If she can do it, I can do it

Recently, I have noticed that Jessica Simpson has decided to direct her career into that of a country singer. After her TV show was finished her father (pimp) decided that the next big move would be for her to focus on being in feature films. Since these films were not porn, and the fact that she can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag this idea failed miserably. That’s when dear old dad figured that it was time to move in another direction. His first plan was to put her into the arms of Tony Romo and hope that the exposure of her dating a famous football star in Texas would lead into his next master plan, to become the next great country star. I have to admit that I think this is an excellent idea, because any retard can make a country album. That is why I have decided to become a country star myself.

The first step in becoming a country singer is to select the type of star that you want to be. Many of the popular options include blatant racist, super American pride, good time party boy, big titted songstress (see Jessica), sad old farmer, and metro sexual cowboy. This decision is a tough one because most of the song content has to be derived from the image you choose. You can’t sing about loving your fourth wife tender and then go transition into a song about how Mexicans are worse than Al Qaeda. That would be stretching yourself way too thin. In order to be a success you need to pick an image and commit to it. Right now I am not to sure what type of country singer that I want to be. I would really appreciate your help in letting me know what you think would be the best choice for myself. At this time I am currently leaning towards super American pride country singer with my first album tentatively titled “If you don’t like speaking English you can get the fuck out.” I am open to suggestions though.

My god damned fucking arm

Shit it hurts. I have no fucking clue but for some reason it feels like my arm is in a state or permanent sleep. The second it feels like the pain is going away it shoots right back into my elbow and reminds me, even in my old age, that I am not invincible. I am not reffering to that movie that stared Mak Walbag. I am talking about walking through walls superman type invincible. I have compiled a short list of possible reasons that my arm feels this way. One of these has to be the reason for my pain;

Masturbating

Pulling the anchor for a crab fishing boat up with my bare hands in a field of ice during king crab season

I have recently had a stroke on the right side of my body and I am simply just toughing it out so that others don’t see any sign of weakness

I slept on it wrong

Masturbating

Playing tug of war against a gorilla

Throwing a football three hundred yards

The experimental procedure to see if I could possibly get a machine gun arm

Illegal immigrants

Giving myself HJ’s (Also see Masturbating)

Being a night club deejay

Holding up those 32 ounce beers at the concert this weekend

All of those are logical conclusions but in the end I think I might not go with any of them. I think that the real reason that my arm hurts so much is that I had to drink some Cheladas this weekend. It surely is the devils brew. I hate you Conor.

New career move

I had some free time yesterday in between my work as a taxidermist and my work as a male dancer to sit down and catch a little bit of television. Usually, I will hit the same channels and yesterday was no exception. I turned on ESPN to see if I could get highlights of the women’s curling championship in Hounds Bay, Nova Scotia. Instead, I was blessed with a show chronicling the misadventures of the And 1 basketball team. If you haven’t seen this show it is about playground basketball players who play a loosely governed form of basketball that favors style over rules and favors showmanship over teamwork. This game is perfect for me. The best part about it is that you can join the team and travel with them if you are the best player to play against them when they roll through your town. I have already begun my training, and in order to be on the And 1 team you are going to have to meet certain requirements;

Cool Nickname: This perhaps being the most paramount of all requirements. Whether it’s Escalade, Hot Sauce or the PRROOOOOOFEEESAR, you need to have a name that jumps out at the crowd, because lord knows that the guy on the bullhorn that announces the game wants a cool name to say. I have decided that my street ball name is Wet Panties.

Style: Another important concept is the style on and off the court. The players on the team are constantly getting new jerseys and sweat bands. Could I be crazy and wear two head bands at the same time? What about fraying my undershirt to make it look like one of those old leather jackets with tassels? I think that I will wait until I make the team to make that decision. I don’t want to jump on somebody else’s style.

Game: Finally, you have to be able to put your money were your mouth is. In order to stand out you need to have a move that makes the crowd go crazy. Moves that seem to get the most attention are dribbling through people’s legs, dunking the ball and incredible passing. Since I can’t do any of those things I am going to go with the half court bounce shot as my go to move. It isn’t necessarily going to “clown” anybody but I feel that it is my safest bet to make the team.

I am going to focus on these three things until the And 1 bus rolls back around my hood. In the meantime I will continue to stuff animals and strip but I don’t know how much longer I can take women taking advantage of my body.

For my next trick...

As many of you know I am a new age renaissance man. I have applied myself in the many pleasures of life albeit that they tend to be more on the extreme side. If you have forgotten here are a few of my more dubious achievements;

First man to Hang Glide in space

Bungee Jumped at the top of the Himalayas’ without oxygen

Beat up the entire South Central Bloods using only an aquasock and my bare hands

Surfed Mavericks on a Taco Bell tray

Went against Dear Abby’s advice and decided not to apologize to the parents of the child that I told Santa and the Easter bunny had been killed by a guerilla fighting force from Canada

Visited New Jersey and never said “ova here” or “OH!!!”

Put pop rocks in my ears and then got a wet willy

Watched Oprah for a day straight

All of these accomplishments are a testament to the remarkable courage and dedication that I have to accepting the extreme challenges this world can offer us. This leads me to my most extreme challenge to date, to have sex with Amy Winehouse.




It poses a few problems right off the bat. First, how is it that you are going to get her attention? Well, I figure I will just dress up as a gigantic crack rock or perhaps a shiny new hypodermic needle. Once I have her lured in to me I will simply put on my home made cologne made specifically for her. The cologne is called Hot Butt and features smell notes of cigarettes, box wine, cigars, feces and peppermint. This will no doubt lead to some sort of sexual contact. By my calculations I will need 16 condoms, protective goggles and a full wetsuit for one thrust. If I follow these precautions to the T, I believe that I will make it out alive and with the title of most extreme person ever.

Burt 1 - Scientology 0

It has taken some time but I have come to the decision that I need to come up with my own religion. In our world today there are so many options in which one can put their faith in. We have groups like Kabbalah and Opus Dei that are offshoots of mainstream religions. There are non denominational religions that focus on a multitude of different things as God, and of course there is Scientology (knuckleheads). What I have learned from Scientology is that you can basically make up your own religion and if you are crazy enough and committed to it people will follow you. Well I happen to be crazy, almost insane, and I think that I have just enough time between skeeball league and thong pulls to commit to this religion and increasing its congregation. I have decided to name the new religion Burtholiscm or Burtenomics. Here are a few of the more recently established tenements of the new religion;

Our god is named Mr. Stupendous and he is made of diamonds and can shoot lazers from his eyes. He lives in outer space with his wife, Donna Stupendous, and their 3,800 celestial children. He also shits stars and orgasms black holes.

You are more than welcome to eat meat on Fridays. The only thing you can’t eat is pussy. I am referring to both the genital and animal.

Once a week our congregants must take a bowel movement standing up. In our bible, the Super Awesome Book of Power, Sex and Mad Libs, this process is referred to as “the process.”

There will be no masturbating, I repeat NO masturbating, between the one hour that Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune are running on you local cable access. You don’t have to watch the shows, but you can’t masturbate. Also, if you don’t have a TV just take an hour out of your day not to do it.

There will be no false gods. That includes Lebron James, Dom Delouise, Alex Trebek or myself.

Each year on December 26 we remember the birth of Mr. Stupendous by taking a naked hot tub and re-gifting birthday presents to our loved ones.

There is no marriage in our religion. You are only asked to hold hand with your life partner through the entire American Gladiators course. If you can accomplish that feat you are deemed “best buds” and are allowed to have sex in public.

Jean Claude Van Damme is our current pope and he talks to Mr. Stupendous through Penepathy (telepathy of the penis).

Every Monday is a religious holiday. The only problem is that we haven’t come up with a name for each holiday on the calendar. I am sure we will run into problem with all these non believers and their five day work week, but we shall press on.

That is pretty much all that I have at this time, but I am more than willing to take suggestions on what it is that you would like this religion to base its faith in. Besides I...I mean MR. Stupendous has not released his commandments.

I get my new Zubaz in the mail today

It is a magical day in the Destruction household for today is the day when my families’ Zubaz arrive. If I could describe today I would say that it is if someone had taken Kwanza, Christmas and Hanukah and wrapped them into one gigantic super holiday. That is how good I feel about these pants. And why not? Look at the beauty, the craftsmanship. You have to be careful walking down the street wearing these things because more than likely someone is going to try and rape you. I am not one to worry about such trivial things so I will be wearing these constantly. I won’t be just wearing them. I will be making them look good too. Dare I say better than a young Dan Marino.

I do dare, and I don’t even have the benefit of isotoners. Fuck you Dan and your non super bowl winning ass.

Coming back to work sucks

I took a long weekend and now getting back to work has been pretty hard. I don’t know if you have heard of these things called rum runners but holy shit are they a kick in the pants. When I got to the bar on Friday I was told if I had a tab that was over twenty five dollars that my parking would be validated. Shrewd move on there part, but the problem is that I don’t eat food unless I have killed it with my bare hands or ripped it from the earth myself. Do you have a hard on after hearing that? I do. Anyways, due to my position on food I was left to a strictly liquid diet. Therefore, I would like to give you a drink by drink examination of getting my parking validated.

Drink one – Oh this tastes good. It’s like an adult slurpee, and would you look at all the rum that they put on top for you. A little umbrella too!! I think I may have to try another one of these.

Drink two – Holy shit my brain hurts. Do they put ice from Antarctica in these things? I mean my head seriously hurts right now. I should probably have one more just to make sure that it is not the drink that is giving me this splitting headache.

Drink three – No longer have any pain in my head. Obviously it wasn’t the drink that was making me feel that way. Although I am now noticing that people are starting to make sure I don’t fall over on them. Can’t they see that I am just dancing to the oldies cover band?

Drink four – I just had a conversation with one of the security personnel. I don’t know what the word 86’d means, but he said it quite a few time. I have never seen someone’s face turn that shade of burgundy when they are talking to you but I don’t think they are happy.

Drink five – Good news, I just got my parking validated. Bad news, I pissed myself and that guy is walking over this way to talk with me again. His face is now crimson.

Drink six – I had to take this one in the bathroom because a bunch of these jerks keep trying to talk to me about something or other. I bet they just want to have a sip of my drink. Guess what? They aren’t getting none of it. Nones I tell you.

Drink seven – whas the problem ya jerk. I only hads twose of those…..how come my parking valimated zen? I donut know. Maybe this was yur plan all along assface.

I am not sure how the rest of the evening turned out but I stayed in a lovely little 6X6 room. It didn’t have cable but at least when I got to my car the next morning my parking had been taken care of. Now the only thing I have to worry about are the lawsuits.

What's up bud

Hey bud. Yeah, whats up bud? How you doing bud? Yeah I just wanted to check in and see how things were going with getting those St. Mary’s tickets bud. It is a really great deal. Right now there’s like six of us Bud. Yeah all the dudes are going to be going. So can I lock you in as one of the six bud? Awesome. Yeah I think I am going to go play some tennis after work today bud. My dad and I are going to play a little tennis and then going to head over to the greek theatre to catch a show bud. I have to go to the bathroom now bud. Yeah I am gonna stand up in the stall with my baby dick in my hands as always bud. I wore the sandals to work again bud. So I don’t want to stand in pee bud. Can't do that to the flops bud.

We need to formulate a plan

Obviously we have fallen into a slump in regards to the programming that is on TV these days. Case in point would be the Hills and the “stars” of the show. It just boggles my mind that shows like A-Team and Macguyver are no longer on TV while these people are getting interviewed on Letterman and getting paid money to show up at places. Just to show up at places! I could do that. Shit, I could do that naked if you paid me enough, and by enough I mean dinner and free drinks. The problem is that I have come to realize that this show or the fame of these retarded spoiled children is not going to go away any time soon. That is why it is time to formulate a plan. Here are some of the ideas that I have been pushing around the home office.

Kill all of them

Yeah that’s it. I think that for the longest time I was really over thinking how to put an end to this. I mean there are so many other ways that this show could begin to decline in ratings and grow old and stale, but I can’t wait that long. This needs to end now. I don’t care how it’s done. If it takes me using all of my money to hire a group of Ninjas assassins, then that’s what needs to be done. Also, it is smart to note that we need to include the producers and people involved in the writing for the show to be killed too. This isn’t one of those situations were you cut the head off and the body dies. If you cut the head off the body would still have a bunch of no talent ass clowns coming out with clothing lines and horrible music. Basically, I want to get my hands on a very small nuclear weapon and try to detonate it at the next premier for the show. Now if I only hadn’t burned all those bridges with the government earlier in my life. In fairness I had no idea that illegal plutonium sales were frowned upon.

I went to the thong pull this weekend

The fourth of July weekend is not complete unless you can get to an event that really showcases the greatness of America. Unfortunately, the monster truck rally was two towns over and I was too drunk to drive, plus Skeeter said his old lady wasn’t going to drive us “nowhere” because she smoked up all their meth. Therefore, I had to settle with going to the annual thong pulling competition held in the town square. It is nice to be able to drink a bottle of Everclear and be the most sober person at the event. I definitely got there at the right time because they were just starting to weigh in the contestants and check their thongs for tampering. After grabbing a complimentary beer koozie and a seat I readied myself for some good old fashioned competition. If you have never had a chance to attend one of these events before it works this way;

Three females (can be post op) are put into the middle of the town square wearing only their sturdiest thong and classiest White Snake, Ratt, or Cinderella belly t shirt. Before the competition begins and everyone has turned off their hogs (that means both motorcycles and penises) each female contestant is given a rock of Meth, a flask of rum, and 5 twelve packs of whatever beer the Walmart had thrown out for going bad. The contestants are then moved to the starting line and each given a sled. The course is 100 yards long and is mostly flat minus the spectators that have passed out or died on it. Everyone in the crowd is allowed to bring rotten fruit to throw at the contestants, or to eat. At the blast of the Mayor’s shotgun the race will begin, as well as the strategy.

Each contestant must first smoke all of their meth and drink their flask of Rum before going past the starting line. This usually poses no problems as most contestants are weathered women of the night. This concoction is like Whore Gatorade. With the five twelve packs of beer on their sleds it is up to the contestants to decide if they want to lighten their load by drinking the beer off of their sled. If you have never pulled a bunch of beers on a sled using only a thong then you need to understand that a good portion of beers need to be drank so that the thong doesn’t break. Did I mention that if the thong breaks the first man to touch her is given a free hour of alone time with the contestant? Well, that’s what happens. Basically, the contestants usually have to drink most of there twelve packs before they can really start pulling that sled. That is if they are still breathing. In the end the woman to cross the finish line first wins a live chicken, two cartons of Menthols, and a new thong for next years competition. That’s because the winner gets invited to compete in next year’s contest, if they are still alive.

This year’s winner was Becky Joe Tate with a new record time of three hours and thirteen minutes. She outlasted two very worthy contestants to earn her first victory. I think she also turned a few heads and may have some new gentleman suitors that are trying to catch her eye, all in all a wonderful day for Becky Joe, America, and most importantly myself. Although, I still wish I could have made it to the monster truck jam.

Somebody better write Snow Dogs 2

I am a huge fan of movies. I don’t know if you knew that, but now that you do listen to what I am saying. There needs to be a sequel to Snow Dogs, and Cuba Gooding Jr. needs to be attached to star. All I know is that this movie is a sure hit. I will gladly tell you my idea but first a synopsis of the first film;

When Miami dentist Ted Brooks (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) learns that his birth mother has passed away and that he was named in her will, he travels to Alaska to claim his inheritance. Rather than the large chunk of change that many people would expect, Ted instead receives his mother's pack of rowdy sled dogs and her property. Although the dogs seemingly have it in for Ted, he decides to keep the dogs and race them in the local race, the Arctic Challenge, spiting a mountain man (played by James Coburn) who wants the dogs. What follows is a comedy detailing Ted's adventures in learning to run the sled dogs.

If you aren’t already on the way to the video store to catch up on the first one I am very confused. How could you not love this movie idea? A dentist from Miami, in Alaska? Genius! How is he possibly going to be able to survive in that type of situation? Well without trying to ruin the movie he does just fine and learns some valuable lessons on the way, albeit hilariously.

I think that the problem right now is that there is no starting point for the second movie. This is where I come in. My idea is as solid as a rock. Here is my pitch;

The second movie is going to find Cuba and the Snow Dogs transplanted back in Miami. This time it’s the dogs that are going to be out of their environment. Oh BOY! Of course, the first twenty or thirty minutes will be about the dogs getting assimilated to living on Cuba’s turf and dealing with the beach and ocean. One day when they are down at the beach they notice a flyer for dog Olympics, and because Cuba wants to show off how awesome his dogs are to his cute next door neighbor with the dauschound, they enter the contest. We will have to have a villain and if we could I would like to get Martin Short. I figure he could do a vaguely gay/European accent and have a troop of super agile poodles. Can you imagine how funny that would be? Anyways, a few montages mixed with an awkward date and we have enough filler to get to the finals of the competition where the snow dogs dig deep and win the dog Olympics. After that I guess we could have Cuba marry his neighbor with all the dogs in attendance in tuxedos. That doesn’t really matter because I am open to ideas. There is only one thing that I am adamant about and that is the title. The only name for this movie is Snow Dogs 2: Life’s a Beach.