Torri Spelling Syndrome

My friend Catfish sent me this picture today with a question. The question was what is wrong with this picture (click on the photo if you need a better look)? The first thing that jumps out at me are those clothes. TACKY!!! The second thing that I noticed is the tasteless combination of accessories. That bag with those shoes? YUCKKKKKK!!! However, the most starling thing about this photo is the young woman in the middle. I am trying not to be mean here, but just because you are tall it does not necessarily mean that you are a model. Patrick Ewing is gigantic but you don’t see him modeling during fashion week in Paris. This young lady isn’t a gargoyle but this has to be about one of the worst “fashion” shots I have ever seen. It could possibly be the way that she is standing or the goofy hat that makes her not the most photogenic of subjects, or this could be part of something much bigger. You see, I have been hard at work on a theory for some years now and I feel this picture may be the thing I have had missing from my argument. If anything this picture lend ethos to my theory;

The Torri Spelling Syndrome
In our world we have many people who are afforded advantages in life based solely on their family ties. Whether it is getting a job with the same company that ones parents work for or getting into a school based on the alumni status of relatives, your bloodlines can act as the extra edge needed to advance in life. Nowhere is this more prevalent than it is in the entertainment industry. Much like Torri Spelling, this young lady is probably far less qualified than other people who auditioned for the job at hand, but I would bet good money that she is closely related to the person that decided to run this ad. That is the fundamental principle of TSS. TSS is the theory that people who are in positions of control will ignore the usual standards to allow their loved ones to participate when they obviously shouldn’t. This was most blatantly abused by late producer Aaron Spelling casting his daughter Torri in Beverly Hills 90210. Take a good look at the cast and see if it adds up. Now take an even deeper look into the acting on that show and remember that in a show filled with stiff acting performances hers were by far the worst (although I will admit that the “Donna Martin Graduates” episode was a tour de force performance). There will always be less than qualified people thrust into the world of entertainment because they have connections within the business.

This is a monumental day for the TSS theory. With more empirical evidence such as this we are getting closer to finally connecting all the dots of TSS. This picture for TSS would be on par with an evolutionary biologist finding the missing link. This is a most spectacular find.

Kick rocks you busy body

The other day I was catching the bus home because my helicopter was out of service and the limo has been having break problems. I jumped on a very empty bus and took a seat somewhat close to the front of the bus. The bus had gone a few blocks when an older woman and her husband sat down next to me. The first thing that I realized was that I could already smell this woman before she could sit down next to me. She had that smell that was a mix of extremely potent perfumes, some sort of ancient baby powder, and a strange alcoholic stench, no doubt, to mask the embalming fluid. The second thing I noticed was this track suit clad, broach wearing mummy’s hands tapping me on my shoulders. After I took of my ear phones this is how the conversation went;

OLD LADY: Braaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnsssss (gurgle gurgle)

No I am kidding, but she did almost look like a Zombie. It was more like this;

OLD LADY: Excuse me but do you have some toilet paper? I just shit myself. This type of thing usually happens when you die. The body releases the remaining bowels.

Kidding again. For cereal this is how things happened.

OLD LADY: Excuse me, but what do you think you are doing?

REAL HOT SEXY GUY (me): Riding the bus mam.

OLD LADY: These seats are meant for seniors and people with disabilities.

RHSG: (looking around the empty bus) Yes I am aware of that. The second that someone comes in that needs this seat I will gladly get up and give it to them. Is that okay?

OLD LADY: You really should not be sitting down in this seat right now. That is a very rude thing you are doing.

RSHG: MAM! I AM GOING TO SIT HERE UNTIL SOMEONE WHO DESERVES THIS SEAT WALKS ON THE BUS. THEN I WILL MOVE AND LET THAT PERSON HAVE THIS SEAT! IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU?

At this point two things happened. The ladies husband agreed with me that this was a fair sounding deal. That, and the lady went into what I can only describe as a seizure or shock because for the remainder of time I sat in that seat she seemed to be convulsing and making a lot of “Humph” and “Pshaw” noises (it may have been her body turning back on again). Yes, I eventually got up out of the seat to let someone sit down much to the dismay of my new friend. When I got of the bus it looked like she had calmed herself down.
Now I want this to be clear. I have a very healthy respect for past generations. I just have no patience for busy bodies. Could she have waited until the bus crowded up to see what kind of move I made? I think so. But no, she couldn’t, because this old hag doesn’t have anything better to do in her life than explain to people how to live theirs. Therefore I would like to offer her a little advice.

Please try to wash all of that perfume, makeup, and death off of yourself. You are scaring the children and making dogs and cats go apeshit.

You sir, are a retard

The young gentleman above used to be the backup center for the University of Texas Longhorn football team. I say “used to” because he is part of the continuing trend of young people getting in trouble as a result of putting a little too much of their personal lives on facebook. In this case our fat, pimply faced, penis haired young friend wrote this in regards to Obama becoming the next president;

"all the hunters gather up, we have a #$%&er in the whitehouse"

Obviously our mongoloid pal is not the sharpest tool in the shed. This mouth breather is not alone though. Just this past week a young cheerleader from the Fackin PATriots was relieved of her duties due to pictures she put up on facebook that show a young gentleman of the intoxicated variety after he had been cheifed with swastikas all over him. I also remember the story from a few months back when a young man who was on trial for manslaughter (drunk driving) had his sentenced increased because of pictures and comments he put up on facebook that showed he was less than remorseful about the whole situation. The question I have is when will people learn?

Nowadays if you think that there won’t be repercussions for what you post on your own personal sites you have another thing coming. I constantly think of pictures that I could have posted from my past on the web that could come back to haunt me when I finally do get arrested for a nationally televised crime. I would not like the mangina pictures of myself with three basketball player sized trannies at a bobbing for apples competition during the love parade when this inevitable headline hits the papers;

LOCAL AREA MAN BREAKS INTO ZOO AND FIGHTS HIPPO TO THE DEATH

I claim lavender homie (Tons of Gang signs)

Besides watching a lot of soft core porn on HBO I really like to watch shows about gangs and prisons. Don’t ask me if there is a connection because there is and it’s frighteningly perverted. The one show in particular is Gangland, the show that has the sound of a man screaming like he has just been stabbed before they show each vignette (gwaaaaahhh). Gangland is great because it shows a lot about how gangs have been formed across the United States and how they have come to have the traditions and rivalries that they do. It made me start to think of getting my own gang together. You may think it is easy but there are many components to having a successful gang, and you need to think long and hard about the type of stuff needed to succeed in this “thug life.” That is why I have decided on a few items that I think lend credibility to my burgeoning gang and the way we “roll.”

Colors
The color that you wear is an important step to creating a gang identity. These colors are a visual symbol of who you represent on the streets. The problem that I have with gang colors is that most gangs go with the tired colors of blue or red. Basically, a few people decided on these colors and then everybody copied them. Of course, there are gangs like the Latin kings who go with black and gold but fuck them because they are pussies. I have noticed that there are many colors to choose from that people have not picked yet. I have decided to go with lavender for two reasons. One, it is a sissy color to some but it won’t look so sissy after I just gut stabbed you for calling me a fag. Two, nobody rocks lavender and I think that we could probably get a good bulk deal on bandanas and outerwear if we pick that color.

Turf
Right now I think I will keep the turf to the block I live on. There are no gangs that currently run on this street and I think I could set up a nice little base of operations. Besides I am lazy and I always like to be close to home in case I have to take a shit.

Rackets
My gang is going to be into all the usual stuff. We will deal drugs, extort, claim protection fees, and all other types of “ill Shit.” The one thing this gang is going to do is step outside of the box in our operations. I think that we will be the first gang to deal with the black market sales of puppies and kittens. This is an opportunity to stake claim in an illegal activity that some may deem a little too pussyish(?) for a gang. I tell you people will be fighting hard to get in on that racket, but by the time they do we will have the whole town on lockdown.

Signs
Now this is a tough one. Stacking signs is an important skill for all gangs to have. It’s a form of silent communication and also a really cool thing to do when dancing. The problem is that you can’t have signs until you have something to sign about. Which brings me to my final category for now.

Gang name
I am still at a loss for what I want to do about this one. Do I try to claim a street name or area code in my gang name? Do I add a title like Lords or God’s? Dare I even try to claim a name of ethnic implications? After much thought I realized that I want a gang that is an equal opportunity employer. That’s why I am going to go away from convention and call my gang the Fighting Gentlemen.

We will be having a meet and greet 40oz luncheon coming up in the next couple of weeks. Please be prepared to explain a little bit about yourself and what types of “shit” you are into. It would help if you could bring a police record and credit report.

Do you hate Wednesday too?

Hump Day my ass! Right? Am I right or what? As referenced by the post below and the old picture above there is little love lost between myself and Wednesday. I find it to be a day that brings little to the table. It's kind of like the person that comes to a party and sits by the dip the whole time leering at people explaining why they don't drink because of the carbs. It's a lot like that game Crossfire or condoms, it's useless. That is why I implore all 8 people who read this blog to send me their own interpretation on days of the week and how they feel about them. If you are feeling artistic or feeling yourself why not try to send something over to burtdestruction@gmail.com. Basically, if you submit anything it is going up on the site. Well, anything except for cock pics. Let's try to save those for craigslist.

Thought I forgot about you?

Not a chance you piece of shit. Someday, somehow, I will hunt you down and end you.

Everytime it rains...

I think of Prince and this Deep Thought from Jack Handy;

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."”

Robocop on a unicorn? Finally, some real art!

Fuck Andy Warhol. Fuck Michelangelo. Fuck performance pieces. Fuck beat poetry. Fuck Dali. Fuck all art students. Fuck neo anything. And a big fuck you to the Mona Lisa.

I have finally seen the highest form of art that has ever been produced. The combination of genres and the composition of these pieces is truly amazing. A small group of the greatest artists of all time have displayed some of their work on flickr. This new, and most excellent type of art can be seen here . The only thing that I think can top this would be oil paintings of all the action stars of the 80’s screaming in their most notable movies. That and nude sculptures of me pleasuring myself.

My belt broke this weekend

No, it wasn’t because I am too fat. The belt just broke because of horrible craftsmanship. At first I thought it may have broken due to my Herculean strength but then I studied the belt and noticed the poor use of epoxy on the belts attachment. I guess I am not really going anywhere with this post other than to say that belts are pretty important, and besides suspenders they are really one of the only devices that holds peoples pants up. I don’t consider shoelaces an acceptable belt, it moves around way too much. That’s why this whole incident got me using my thinking box. Since suspender should only be worn by gigantic fat men, stylish gay newspaper editors and butlers I am not able to wear such a pants holding device. That is why I am going to come up with something better than a belt, something much better than suspenders. I think I am going to have magnets implanted in my skin and sewn into every pair of pants and shorts that I have. Take that belt industry!!!

R.I.P. Dolemite

Yesterday we were faced with the tragic loss of one the world’s greatest performers, Rudy Ray Moore, Dolemite himself. If you have not had the chance to see Mr. Moore in the golden age of his career as the street wise pimp you should be ashamed of yourself. Words cannot express the prose that this man spoke in, his undeniable sex appeal and the way he brought the character to life. I think that perhaps the best way to honor a man such as Rudy Ray would be to let him say something himself. Dolemite would say;

Man, move over and let me pass 'fore they have be to pullin' these Hush Puppies out your mothafuckin' ass!

You no-business, born-insecure, jock-jawed motha-FUCKA!

That rat soup eatin', insecure, honky mutha fucka!

Detective: Now, I know you think you're smart, see, cause you got all them flashy clothes, you got that big car there, you got all them black bitches working for you.
Dolemite: You forgot about the white ones.

You will be missed Disco Godfather, you will be missed.

Excuse me sir, did you shit your pants?

This weekend I had the pleasure of visiting beautiful Delores Park in the Mission District on a fantastically sunny day to watch the red bull soap box races. Due to the fact that it was such a nice day out I decided to treat myself to a couple of cold fresh beers. The cold beers tasted great but because of my child sized bladder I had to make more than a few trips to one of the many porta potty stations all over the park. When I first went up to the lines for the toilet I noticed that one stall did not have a line in front of it. A nice older gentleman who looked to be accompanied by an escort explained that someone had jumped into the stall about ten minutes ago and was not coming out. You have to feel for someone in a situation like that. I reasoned to myself that he must have some case of explosive diarrhea or he was doing drugs in the toilet. Either way he was in there for a reason.
You can imagine my surprise when I returned to the same area about a half hour later and our friend was still in the toilet. Although, people had now begun to bang on the stall door and were trying to force the door open. Not until a half an hour later with the cops finally at the door did any response come from inside. He finally emerged after an officer came to the door with what looked like running pants for him to put on, which leads me to why I wrote about this incident in the first place.
If you are going to be stuck in a porto potty there better be one hell of a goddamned good reason that you could stay in a bucket of filth that long. Obviously, this guy must have shit his pants and he didn’t want to come out until the party was over. I began to think of other possible reasons that could compel one to stay in a place like that for so long. Here is what I came up with at the time;

He is high as fuck on drugs and the tight space and smell of that porto water were the only things that helped him stay calm.

Someone at the races had him marked for death and he had to hide in the john until he was able to get a police escort out of the area.

This person has a fetish for doodie and was getting his rocks off doing a little poo play.

Our friend may have had too much to drink and he wanted to take a nap without being bothered.

Or ……SHIT HIS PANTS AND STAYED WITH HIS POO PANTS ON IN THAT PORTO POTTY FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF WHILE EVERYBODY KNOCKED ON THE DOOR UNTIL THE COPS CAME WITH A CLEAN PAIR OF SHORTS FOR HIM UNTIL HE WALKED OUT OF THE THING LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED WITH A LOOK LIKE “WHAT THE FUCK ARE ALL OF YOU LOOKING AT”!!!

Working on the weekends

Things have been tight around the Destruction household lately. Like I have said in the past I do a lot of different jobs to make ends meet during the week. I do just enough to have the essentials necessary for the type of lifestyle I live. You know, food, clothes, a roof over my head, porn, beer, slip n slides and oil paintings of myself, normal stuff. Yet, I find myself sitting there on the weekend with little money to go out and treat myself to a nice dinner or to catch a musical (musical = Stripclub). That’s why I have decided that I would like to start working on the weekends for a while. Now I don’t want a job that is going to take up the whole weekend and I want a job that I would enjoy doing. That’s why I have decided to become a male stripper.

I am going to become one of those male strippers that come to the house during a batchelorette or grandmothers tea party. I feel like my talent for acting and showmanship would not be utilized as effectively in the strip club environment. This is not to say that I don’t have the dancing skills needed to be a club performer. I am a fucking tremendous dancer. I just feel that the art of coming to a party where only a few people know you are going to be performing really adds to the excitement. Plus, I have a awesome idea to spice up the mundane practicum’s that have plagued this job.

For far too long male strippers have been relegated to using the same boring costumes and acts whenever they enter a situation of sexiness. Whether it’s the policeman sent over because of the noise complaints or the plumber that’s here to “fix some pipes,” it has all grown old and tired. That’s why I think that I am going to do so well as a stripper who does house calls. I am going to show up as and explorer.

I am going to knock on the door in a full head to toe safari outfit. I plan to look something like this gentleman here;

When someone answers the door I will politely ask, in an English accent, to be invited in to take a look at the house. “You see,” I will say, “I apologize for intruding upon your party but I have been searching far and wide for a very special treasure that has eluded me for years and I think that this house may contain the answers.” At this point I think I will have captivated the crowd enough that someone will eventually ask me exactly what it is I have been searching for. That’s when I pull out the boombox with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now cued up and tell them “the treasure I have been searching for is some hot female snatch that is ready to ogle my grinding man meat.” I expect an eruption of chaos and excitement as these ladies begin to make it rain with 20’s. Let me know what you think.

We need a new type of debate

Thank god that was the final debate last night. I have a hard time watching the debates because I feel like we are seeing the person trying to put forward the best image of themselves as possible while sugarcoating their beliefs and ideals. Of course this is going to happen, but I just wanted you to know. I need people to hear my feelings because I am insecure and if I don’t express myself I get upset that nobody knows how I feel and that leads to me soaking in a bubble bath and crying my eyes out while I drink Nyquil, but I digress. The problem is that in America today we value much more than just a message or an image. We need to see actual results in action. That is why I have a plan to get rid of debates in general and to institute what I call Physical Challenges.

These physical challenges will be a series of mental, physical, and emotional tests that each candidate must go through before a live audience. Now I haven’t really narrowed these down yet but I think that if I could throw out a few ideas maybe we could start brainstorming or start a think group, whatever. Here are my initial thoughts;

Have the first challenge actually be a physical challenge from the show Double Dare. I recommend that is be one where they have the bucket on their head and they have to fill it by squeezing juice out of something, hopefully oversized foam fruit.

Wild bird calling.

Have the contestants play a game of darts. Each candidate has to have three alcoholic drinks of their choice throughout the game.

Swimsuit competition.

Each candidate will be shown a series of pictures in the same order while attached to a heart rate monitor. These pictures will be very sexy, but of both a hetero and homo sexual nature. Maybe even some kinky animal stuff?

Freestyle rap battle

The candidates must each play a game of Pictionary with their family. It would be a really great look at the family dynamic and how much pressure the candidates put on their children for failing.

Hidden talent.

The candidates must be locked in a room with a crazy left wing or right wing activist who has just smoked a pretty large amount of rock cocaine and try to see how long they can talk to them before the security has to come in.

Log rolling.


Each contestant will have to do both the American Gladiator “Eliminator” and “the Crag” from guts. This part of the competition will be timed.

That’s all I have for now. I think that if we could find a way to make all of these events have a relevant scoring system this could really work. In the event of a tie we will have the candidates square off in some type of cage fight with an assortment of weapons and wild animals in the cage. All of the representatives of government must dress up like they are in Mad Max and the referee will be Tina Turner. As always, I am open to suggestions.

Wednesday tip

Always wipe twice.

RED WINE

No, I am not talking about the song by UB40. I am talking about sweet red wine, the nectar of the gods. As evidenced by yesterday’s post I am none to thrilled with Monday’s as of late and I needed a pick me up. Well guess who was there for me when I truly needed someone. That’s right, red wine. You happen to be delicious when poured into spaghetti sauce. You also happen to be delicious when I pour you down my throat. I don’t give a flying boner if you stain my teeth and clothing. I just like you for you. That’s why I would like to address this letter to red wine so that the whole world can see my feelings.

Dear Red Wine.

Let’s make babies and fly away to the south of France and live in small château for the rest of our days. We could take long horseback rides across the sweeping countryside and pretend to become cheese connoisseurs. I would massage your back and you could massage my stomach. I long for the time when I will feel your embrace and whisper sweet nothings into your ear as we watch the sun dip into the ocean whilst aboard my gigantic pleasure yacht.

Sexually yours,
Burt

Maybe we could try to repackage this Monday

I have noticed that over the years companies have learned to rebrand themselves in ways that serve the company interests. A few notable examples would be;

Bringing Jack back to the Jack n the Box commercials

KFC making the colonel a wise cracking hip-hop snowboarding chicken hawker and then changing him back to the folksy old racist grandpa

Mountain Dew branding itself the extreme soda (but aren’t all sodas extreme?)

Anyways, I think that these types of changes brought the companies back to a notoriety that they had long since lost. You see, I don’t think that any one respects Mondays anymore. And why would you? They stink. Ever since that movie Office Space came out and the line “a case of the Mondays” was uttered people have associated Monday’s, already a horrible day at this point, as an almost terminal type of disease. That’s why I think it would help if why tried to repackage Monday as a newer and hipper weekday. From now on I think that we should call Monday, HJandcheeseburgersday. Hopefully, we could get some fast food companies to sponsor it so that every Monday you can go and get a cheep cheeseburger with which you can enjoy your HJ to. I am open to ideas though.

JOOSE!!!!!!

The other week I was lucky enough to hang out with my friend Catfish. I was already balls deep in some Mickey’s so Catfish went down to the store to get some supplies. Upon returning from the store I noticed that he had gotten something besides the usual 40 oz of malt liquor. He instead got the energy enhanced, 24 ounce malt liquor JOOSE. I think it tastes like gasoline mixed with tangerine juice. Catfish thinks it tastes like assholes. Here is how one company insider defines it;

JOOSE has been described by Terry Kester, VP of United Brands Co., as "a little bit of mango, a little bit of papaya and a little bit of lightning."

Now I don’t know about you but I have never tried to drink lightning. You know, because it could fucking kill you. I think that Terry is obviously trying promote the product as an edgy no nonsense type of brand for the serious malt liquor drinker. JOOSE also has its own catch phrase for when people drink it. Wikipedia has this in its definition;

In the popular lexicon drinking a JOOSE is described as "getting on the grid."

Getting on the grid indeed. Let me tell you something. I “got on the grid” and was not very impressed. Now maybe that is because I have not taken the time to try all four JOOSE flavors. I must be missing out because the feedback from fans of JOOSE on the website is extremely positive. Here is one comment from one of many satisfied customers;

Josh, Beaverton, OR 9/25/08
JOOSE has changed my life! All of a sudden the sun is brighter, the grass is greener, girls look better, and I can stay up for days straight! Portland, Oregon hasn’t been the same since you have invaded our town. Drink JOOSE! For we…are JOOSECORE!

With a review like that and many other ones here , I think I might just have to change my mind about never drinking a JOOSE again. I also encourage all ten people who read this blog to weigh in on how things were when you “got on the grid.” Also, please let me know if anyone dies from drinking it. That lightning taste still has me freaked out.

Burt and the Beanstalk

Last night the American public was treated to round two of Obama vs. McCain. I only caught the first segment of the debate where the topic was, unsurprisingly, the economy. It is the hot topic on everyone’s mind these days and it was inevitable that it would be a point of focus. My problem with these debates is the constant rhetoric from both sides trying to distance themselves from the crisis and explaining how they wouldn’t have let this happen under “their plans.” Well obviously that is what they are going to say. It’s not like they are going to approve of the current situation. I just think that if the question was posed to me I would have a new take on it. Therefore, I would like to pose the question to myself.

“Mr. Destruction, given the current state of the economy and our recent plan to help stimulate it what is your plan to help right the ship that is our economy?”

Well Tom, first I would like to say thank you to the American people and these jackasses here in the town hall meeting. Seriously though, I think I may have a plan that isn’t very conventional but a solid one nonetheless. Do you remember that story about Jack and the magic beanstalk? Well, I have a feeling that it may actually be based on fact. That’s why the first part of my plan would center on finding these “magic beans,” wherever they may be. Once we have the beans we can plant and water them until we have a beanstalk that grows into the clouds. From there I would send in a crack recovery unit to invade the giant’s castle in the sky and try to steal some of the giant’s gold. We would have to be a lot quicker and quieter than young Jack was. I think that if we can get a good amount of the giant’s gold and escape undetected this might just be the thing to get our economy back in shape. I say that because Giant gold is ten times the size of regular gold and probably worth more. I base that on no facts at all. Also, we are going to have to cut the beanstalk down once they return so that the giant doesn’t come down to take back his gold. Can you say expanded job market? Shit, we are going to need a ton of Americans to cut that sucker down and then get rid of the waste from the beanstalk. If that isn’t a plan to stimulate and invigorate this economy I don’t know what is. [Throw mic down on the ground, flex a few times, and make gesture with hands to show penis size.]

I think that this argument would compel many Americans to vote for me based on my outside the box thinking and overall sexiness. I would also smile a lot and make eye contact.

My brain hurt

If you didn’t know HSM3 is coming out pretty soon. If you didn’t know that, you probably also didn’t know that HSM3 is High School Musical 3, Disney’s extremely successful movie series. I have happened to catch a few of the previews on TV and I have to tell you I am extremely confused as to what this movie is about. Now what I am about to say may surprise you, but I have yet to catch either HSM or HSM2. Obviously, this is a movie with a lot of singing and dancing, but what else is it about? Well if I was to explain it simply based on the trailers I have seen, here are a few predictions that I have for this movie;

The one girl with the big nose is a real jerk and she wants the spotlight to be on her. She will eventually learn the lesson of being a team player and in the end have an emotional breakthrough with the group. Emotional breakthrough = gangbang.

At some point a basketball game will be interrupted by an impromptu dance routine. The dancing will help the team to focus and they will win the game. They will most likely be playing a school for the deaf and blind.

For some reason something will happen between the male and female leads that makes them question their relationship. I expect it’s probably because they are seniors in high school and they haven’t bumped uglies yet.

The black guy will have a really cool catch phrase.

The unpopular kids at school will have a crazy liquor fueled sex party. There will be no singing or dancing at this party, because popular people don’t do that kind of stuff.

At some point there is going to have to be some sort of final dance where they all sing together before deciding which one of the non believers must be sacrificed to appease the God Zuel. It’s a metaphor for going off to college.

I know the basketball scene is kind of a stretch, but I am just going off of what the commercials show me.

Somebody's going shopping

I have to admit. I have been down in the dumps recently. It feels like the world is caving in around me and that I am struggling just to keep my head above water. You see, I am going bald, in my pubes. It is terribly embarrassing. You think about it all day and night. It makes you think twice about taking your clothes off in order to make love to a sweet lady. I haven’t had sex with the lights on in months. This is never what I would have expected to feel like when I started to lose hair around little Burt. Close friends would recommend that I throw caution to the wind and shave it all off. Yet, I just can’t do that. It feels like I would be denying myself my manliness. The hair down there is just as important as the silken locks on the top of my head (which look great BTW). Now a new hope burns inside of me, I am going to purchase a merkin;

Merkin – Imitation pubic hair. A pubic wig.

That’s right! I’m back. It’s a whole new world for me. I feel like my confidence is going to be back. That old swagger is going to return. Along with the lights when I make sexuals raaaarrrrrrr. The biggest decision that I have to make now is the style of my merkin. Should I go with the low key brown curly wig or should I try that multicolor emo look. I might even buy a bunch of different ones to mix it up. I am open to suggestions and would love to hear what kind of merkin you think I should get.

Happy Birthday Count Assula

Well he has been back in the city for a while spreading his joy and good cheer to many. He has helped the disadvantaged and once again gained a strong foothold in the city by the bay. Kudos to you Count Assula! Why don’t you take a day off and enjoy your special day? I am not saying that this gives you carte blanches to do whatever that perverted mind of yours wants, you already have that. Go out and get in a knife fight, drink a quart of whiskey, pee yourself in a fancy restaurant, and make sure that you are in bed by a reasonable time.

God Speed you Crazy Sex Beast.

Nice try Rocketman

Yves Rossy is some swiss dude that gets thrown out of planes with a backpack on that looks like he has wings. With these wings he can increase his time spent in the air and his ability to cover great distances in a short amount of time. This past week he was able to cross the English Channel with his special wings. I really don’t know how I feel about this accomplishment. The amazing thing is that this man is flying, which is tremendous. The boring thing is that his wings aren’t real and the person flying isn’t me. I am not saying that I don’t respect what he is doing. This type of thing reeks of adventure and I bet chicks totally dig it. I am just saying that maybe we should all hold off on giving him handjobs until he does it with naturally grown human wings. Now that would be impressive. I am currently working on growing mine right now.

Confidence

I found this photo today on Afrojacks.com. I don't know who this young gentleman is or what he does with his life but I want to meet him. Why? I will tell you why. That young man has confidence. Look at his face. That is a face that says I will drink from your tears of jealousy. A face that cries out I am all that is man. This kind of confident fellow is exactly the kind of person that all young people should model themselves after. He could take you one on one in basketball and then impress you with his impeccable manners at a five star restaurant. This child has IT. I think he may be my son.

Dancing with the Stars made a huge mistake

I was watching TV last night in my underground fortress when I noticed that a new season of Dancing with the Stars is on. It surprised me because I had not been asked to be on the show yet. I figured by now they had gotten to my status of celebrity which is no status. I mean Kim Kardashian is on the show and she is famous for letting someone piss on her. Now I am not saying that I would let someone piss on me to be on DWTS but I would hope that some of the other things I have done in life would get me on that stage. But Burt, why would you care about being on DWTS when you have done so many other awesome things and chicks in you lifetime? I know that this question was inevitable but I will tell you why. I think I can win this thing.
Very few people know that I was once a three time Salsa dance champion. I used to teach salsa and perform in annual tournaments around the country. I have a natural gift for dance. It is as though god made me a vessel to deliver the sexiest moves this earth or any earth (except for middle earth) has ever seen. The one thing that does worry me is that this is not just a Salsa competition, there are many different types of dancing moves that I will need to master. I am not worried though. If that hyperventilating piglet Marie Osmand can do the rumba then anything is possible. Besides, the real way to win this thing is to wear tighter pants than all the other contestants and to dance with a semi. The only people that call in and vote for this show are gay men and women over the age of 65. This thing is in the bag.

So what?

Josh Howard doesn’t like the national anthem, so the fuck what? I myself don’t mind taking off my hat before a game and listening to the song. I have done it for years and never have been bothered by the need for it to be played before many events in our culture. At the same time I don’t care if some other guy doesn’t like the song. He, much more than myself, might have a better reason for not feeling that the anthem is something he can get behind. It is not Hip Hop enough. The SBB could use a fresh remix. That is the reason that I think Josh has such a problem with it. Well, that and the whole slavery thing.

Shame on you Tony

Tony Kornheiser has once again put himself in the spotlight by being “controversial” with some of the comments that he made on Monday night football. It seems that this is what we can expect from Tony these days because that is how he has gained national recognition and that is how he is going to stay in the public eye. It’s part of his image and what ESPN hired him for. I am not going to sit here and ask Tony to put himself in the shoes of another person and think how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Instead, I am going to continue to ignore his rants and try to come up with a solution to cover that gigantic solar panel on his head. Here are some of my thoughts;

Borrow some hair from John Madden.

Try the risky surgery of removing hair from his beard/ass and have it glued to his head.

CGI hair (I think ESPN could afford it).

Shave the rest of his hair off and try to go with the Mr. Clean look.

Wear a new hat every week. Next week should be a sombrero.

Those are pretty lame suggestions. I am just trying to get a dialog going and since my skills in Photoshop are limited to MS paint I would love to see if anyone could put together a picture of what you think Tony could do to stop blinding us. My attempt is below.

Eagle Eye did it

My good friend Doug recently brought up the new Shia Lebouf movie that is soon to hit the theatres. Although it is not completely clear I believe that Eagle Eye is some sort of government entity that has access to any and all people and networks. Well the thing is that this Eagle Eye concept is real. Trust me I have spent enough time within the inner sanctums of our government to know that we have something like this and most of the time it is calling the shots. I have compiled a list of some of the things that Eagle Eye is responsible for and I thought that I would share it with you.

Eagle Eye told OJ to go steal his memorabilia from the vegas hotel room.

Eagle Eye is the reason that the Eagles split up and then got back together again.

Eagle Eye saw me watching porn this morning.

Eagle Eye sent those dirty pictures of you to all your friends email with the handcrafted note to each person that would make it seem like you are propositioning them for sex, which is pretty believable.

Eagle Eye is responsible for the peanut butter and jelly combo jar at the supermarket.

Eagle Eye is the one who destroyed your bathroom last weekend after eating all that BBQ food and then wouldn’t admit to it.

Eagle Eye used to be Edward James Olmos.

Eagle Eye is responsible for every major war and the new KFC snacker bowl.

Eagle Eye was the person that called you for like a week straight and just kept hanging up.

Eagle Eye is really being watched and controlled by Red Eye which is a giant butt hole in space.

What has Eagle Eye done to you?

Richard Wright

Yesterday was marked by the unfortunate passing of Richard Wright, a founding member of Pink Floyd. On their website the band states that Richard had passed away due to a short bout with cancer. Although it is very sad news I almost find it puzzling that a disease like cancer could take out a man who probably has done a thousand things more life threatening to himself during his time on earth. It’s almost like hearing Keith Richards passed away due to old age. It almost feels like we are being cheated. That maybe a more fitting way to go would be riding a hot air balloon into outer space or being devoured by a pride of lions while on a bad acid trip. Anyways, thanks for the tunes.

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

Man oh man do I hate Fridays sometimes. Although people are generally happier because the weekend is here it isn’t always the easiest day to get through. Sometimes when I work on Friday’s I often wonder what it would be like if everybody got up and started rioting.

I have been to prison many times in my life and I feel like I have gotten to experience a few really good riots. Besides the occasional knife fight in the shower and making wine in your toilet, riots really are what make prison life bearable. It gives you a chance to get creative and get some of that aggression out. When else are you going to have that much time to make a really fancy shank or cut that guy’s stomach up whose really been asking for it? After you have sealed off the entrances with barricades you tend to focus on those things a lot. I mean the only real bummer about a prison riot, a good prison riot, is when the guards come back armed with tear gas and non-lethal weaponry, but I digress. Now that I have been out of prison for a while I have missed that visceral experience.

Why can’t we have a riot here in our corporate office? I could see how this would go down. Someone from Human Resources explains that we are going to be downsizing and that there will be significant pay cuts. At the company meeting to make this announcement someone will inevitably tackle the CEO and take them hostage. There isn’t enough security to take on a rabid workforce of underpaid people so they will have to retreat and negotiate later. Meanwhile, a couple more of the higher ups have been held hostage with the CEO in that one cramped meeting room that smells like someone spilt coffee in it. The next step would be to fashion weapons and I think that the supply closet would be of great benefit for making that extra special weapon. I think if it were up to me I would try to make stapler nunchucks. Now all that is left to do is block the entrances and ration the food from the vending machines. Inevitably, there is going to be a power struggle and the cops are eventually going to get brought in. All riots come to an end sooner or later but I think that with the right type of planning and positive attitude it could last for well over a week. Any thoughts on how to maintain an office riot?

Yes he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell

My interview with Richard Grieco

1) Richard Grieco, you were considered a sex symbol of the 80's. What is it about you that women find attractive?
That's a very good question to ask. Oh hold on one second. (speaking offline) Mom can I get that splenda or what!???!?!?! (comes back on line) Sorry I was just making sure that my assistant had a splenda for me before I do this interview. The Greekster always needs a splenda to do his interviews. Anyhoo where were we? Ahh yes. The attraction that the ladies have for me. First off I would like to question the logic of your question. I think I heard you say that I used to be a sex symbol. There is your first problem. I am STILL a sex symbol. Always have been, always will be. Now that is cleared up lets talk about what has kept me there for so long. In no particular order the top five traits that got the greekster were he is today are the brows, the hair, the tan, the hair, and the greico stare. If you are not familiar with the G Stare…I have that patented by the way…it is when I tilt my head down to a 45 degree angle and look at the camera from the left side of my face with my eyes slightly looking downward. Its an immediate way to get the girls vajay into the Greicoshpere.
2) Richard Grieco, what movie and or actor inspired you to follow a career in the arts?
Who inspired me? Wow that is a tough one. I mean so much has been just myself and the brows. You know? If I had to pick someone though I would probably go with Scott Baio. I took his formula for the craft and then added a little bit more sex appeal to the roles I played in. I think that if I had been born a decade earlier I would have been Charles in Charge. Cristian Slater also was a huge impact. He has a similar move to the G stare he likes to call the slater scowl. Its pretty much the same thing I do but without as cool of a name. Finally, I would have to say a lot of my inspiration came from Ghandi. I mean he is all about peoples rights and stuff, and he is all about peace. And believe me Richard Fucking Greico is all about getting a peace too.
3) In 1989 21 Jump St. was at the height of it's commercial fame and you and Johnny Depp had emerged as breakout stars. The next year he did Edward Scissorhands and You Did if Looks Could Kill. Explain.
What drove me towards the role of novice high school traveler turned super spy Michael Corben was the simplicity of the role and the fringe benefits. I was offered the role of faggy dildohands but I found out that I would have to wear a bunch of makeup, and the greekster never wears makeup…except for a little toner and base from time to time. Anyways, the producers said I could have carte blanche over the script and all the coke I could handle. Besides it was a free trip to Canada and that hot chick from scent of a woman was my costar. Also, they let me keep the Ferrari that I drove during the movie, and the trunk was filled with coke.
4) How did you loose you virginity?
I lost my virginity like most young men do. I lost it in front of a producer from Hollywood who was filming it for his private archives. It was with the producers wife so that made the whole situation a lot more relaxed. You would think that an 8 year old would have a tough time having sex on camera, but I thought that his wife did a great job. In retrospect that video was probably not the greatest thing for my career. I feel like if I didn't have that hanging over my head I would have been the star of all these lampoon movies that are all the rage in Hollywood. Man I would have been the shit in disaster movie.
5) Can you give us a brief run through of a typical day in Grieco's world?
Typical day for the greekster is as follows. After I wake up in the morning I usually take the gun out of my mouth and head down to the kitchen for a little breakfast made by my personal chef. I usually then start going through my voicemails and messages from producers about what kind of things I have in the pipeline. That's the craziest thing about being RG. One day you may be the new face of Alpo canned cat food and the next you may be holding a sign on Hollywood BLVD for a mattress sale for a character study that you are working on for a mattress commercial. Usually my days are pretty booked up until the early evening but then it's a little me time. I try to hit up a hot spot or two to make sure that the ladies know that the Gman is still out there pounding the pavement for Puss. I usually don't go in the clubs but I think we all know that the vibe has been put out. I usually get my assistant to pick me up down the street from where I was putting out the vibe. Then when I get home I like to go to my room and watch some of my past work Last night I watched Point Doom. By the lack of response I am sure you have seen it and are spellbound by my awesomeness in that movie. After the movie and a late night HJ session I put on my face mask and hit the sack.
6) Richard, If your looks could kill, who would be the first victim?
That's a simple question. Anyone in blast radius. If I could see you my looks wouldn't just kill you. They'd explode you. I would have to go out with a mask over my face if looks could kill. I would be labled a terrorist threat if looks could kill. It would go North Korea, al Quada, and Greico not paticularily in that order. Fuck that was a stupid question. Got any more brain busters?
7) Here at 5thyear.com we love hearing good drinking stories, can you tell us about a good bender with another celebrity?
One time during the nineties I am with Depp at poison show and we have just gotten back stage. 21 jump street had just ended its run and we wanted to blow off a little steam before our new movies came out. The perfect place to be was the poison concert because of the class of ass and the fact that we didn't have to pay for tickets. Anyways, we are sitting in the front row until brett Michaels invites us back stage for drinks and blowjobs. Michaels is making cocktails with whiskey robistusin and speed and there is a bunch of hot tail everywhere. I drank about four of those and blacked out. I woke up in 2006 on my moms couch and no clue how I could have made so many shitty movies while in a cocktail induced coma. But I am clean now and I am really looking forward to staring producing and directing If looks could kill MORE. We are filming in Turkey.

The Golden Asshole Award

It’s Friday and I am bored so I thought I would try to spark an intellectual debate. Now for those of you who didn’t know, from time to time I can be a real asshole. That’s why I have decided to have this discussion in order to determine the winner of the Golden Asshole, an award that can have many winners, I assure you. The Golden Asshole is the award for who you personally think is this week’s biggest asshole. It can be any person you want but please try to give a little explanation for your choice. My nomination is for Tony Danza because he could have stayed on Who’s the Boss? but thought he was better than the show, thereby ruining one of the most in depth character driven shows on television. Will that Mona ever stop being so raunchy? I guess we will never know. Thanks a whole fuck load Tony.

Where the FUCK is Steve Sanders?

Disgusted. Appalled. Hurt. Peeved. Constipated. Those are just a few of the words that I would use to describe my feelings last night about the premier of the new Beverly Hills 90210. Now I am a pretty savvy person when it comes to media news and I was well aware that the new 90210 would return a few people from the first show. I know that Ian Zeiring was not mentioned in any of the press releases for the show but I still had faith that he would be the surprise guest star. Nope. The Z-man was no where to be seen. What the fuck is wrong with you people? How hard is it to write Steve Sanders into this show? It would not be hard at all and I will tell you why.

Steve Sanders was a total loser. He was the running joke on that show. I know you may ask how someone with such badass style and a permed mullet could be such a dork. It was because Brian Austin-Green already had the wigger role taken care of while Preistly and Perry had way too sweet sideburns for comic relief. So the role had to fall to the Z-man. That’s why he could be on this show though. All you have to do is still have him hanging around Beverly Hills high still. He doesn’t work but lives on a trust fund. He is always hanging around the school offering underage girls rides home from school in his busted ass sports car. Campus security is constantly on the lookout for him after he was found doing coke and exposing himself in the first floor women’s bathroom. I mean how is this not in the script? It makes perfect sense. He would still be the comic relief but in a much more creepy and realistic way. If he is not in the next episode I will never watch it again.

Holy shit that is strong coffee

I went down to my local bagel shop this morning and got a cup of coffee. This coffee was strong. So strong that the second I took my first sip I had to shit. It was almost instantaneous. Now don’t get me wrong, I like a strong cup of coffee. Hell, that’s why I buy it. However, if I am going to buy a cup of coffee I don’t want it to be so strong that after one sip I feel like I have a gnome inside me punching my intestines. In the words of Dennis Leary I just want some fucking coffee flavored coffee. I want it to taste good and not leave me with the undeniable need to play battleshits. I think that it is time I switch to tea, maybe some chamomile with cream and a lemon twist. Thoughts?

Dey snakes out dere dis beeg

Yes Cube there are. In fact when I was on the set of the movie Anaconda I saw many snakes that happened to be that “beeg.” You see, I played Jon Voight playing a greasy South American boat captain and snake hunter. I had to go into makeup four three hours every day before shooting to get to look exactly like Voight. They also made me wear a sagging body suit because my perfectly sculpted physique did not match up with the weathered body of the Midnight Cowboy. Anyways, the movie was shot with real snakes. They told people at the theaters that the snakes were CGI because they didn’t want people walking into the woods and trying to hunt these things down. Believe me, these animals have gigantic teeth, massive crushing power, extremely cold skin, and a thirst for human blood. They’re a lot like Jennifer Lopez in that respect. Burn!

We need to bring him back

What happened to television shows like Alf? This was perhaps one of the most universally applauded shows ever to grace the TV screen. Where else are you going to find a protagonist that cynical who also has an unquenchable thirst for cat blood? I bet you would be hard pressed to find any other show that has a character like that. More than anything, I would like to see Alf return to TV and make my world bright again. At the same time I worry about what it would mean for Alf to return. I have no doubt that the product would not be packaged the same way it was back then. Therefore, I have decided to draw up a few plot lines that I would think could make the show relevant to a larger audience while not taking away from the cat killing humor.

The family in the show is going to be replaced by the Winslow family from Family Matters with Reginald VelJohnson continuing his role as Carl.

Harriet Winslow will now be played by a CGI robot that has an affinity for her cat breeding job. (you can already see tons of storylines there)

The family’s house is going to be on top of a small grocery store that Carl runs. Carl was fired from the police force for eating too many twinkies on the job.

No Urkel.

The next door neighbor Gomez is going to be played by Paul Rodriguez. He is good friends with Carl but has seen Alf a few times and thinks he is the Chupacabra. He is always trying to get into Carl’s house so he can capture Alf and sell him.

Alf is exactly the same. No changes.

In his free time Alf likes to solve cold case murders that Carl could never solve when he was on the force.

There is a cooking portion on the show.

This is a reality TV show.

I think that this is a good start in getting Alf back onto TV. Of course, I am welcome to hear whatever types of ideas that you may have to make Alf a more relevant TV product for today’s audience. Please help me to get this show back on the air.

He is out there...I can smell him

After the disappointment of last week’s Bigfoot debacle I have decided to pack up my bags and head into the woods to track this elusive creature down. But Burt, what makes you think that you will be able to catch the Bigfoot when so many others have failed? Well, I have a different approach than most people. I am going to throw the Bigfoot a party. I figure I will get airlifted out to a predetermined location (no I am not telling you) and bring the supplies that I think will get this party started right. And by supplies I mean a pound of mushrooms, and liter of jaegermeister, six candy bars, a Hustler, and a keg of miller high life. I also forgot to mention the boom box that I am going to bring. My plan is to eat a bunch of the mushrooms, tap the keg and then put on my super awesome Bigfoot mix tape (a mix of speed metal and Phil Collins). I figure all I have to do then is wait. Once Bigfoot gets there or I hallucinate him being there I will take photographic evidence and say the pictures are just for me. Once I have lulled him into a false sense of security BAM! Karate chop to the back of the neck and he is out. The hard part is going to be hiking him out on my back, and having to knock him out every once and a while. I don’t plan on handing him over to experts but rather letting him hang at my place for a few days to see how the other half lives. I think it will be funny to see how he reacts to sandwiches and mini malls. Then a few days later when he is adjusting to living life in this new world BAM! I knock him out and drop him right back out in the woods. Why? Because I can.

Blatant false advertising

The other day I went to the movies and was ripped off. In the hopes of not being a spoiler I wanted to let you know that in no way is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 a porno. One can be easily deceived by its poster which shows four young women touching, hugging and giggling with one another. Well, at least I was. Another thing that led me to think that this would be a highly erotic movie is that it is about “traveling pants.” I don’t know what that means but that wording coupled with the poster led me to believe that this would at least be a really good girl on girl film. Instead, I was given a movie about friendship and how growing up can affect those friendships. Boring! The whole time I was waiting for a random pizza man or plumber to come into the scene. I kept waiting for some huge dildo to be “accidently” left at the dinner table. There isn’t even nudity!!!
What I have realized since this movie is that I am not as quick as I once was. In my older age I have developed a hubris that seems to think I will always be right. Well, I have learned a valuable lesson about going to movies without checking the review. I have also learned that I need to stick to the internet for porn. I want my $8.50 back.

Uncle Hulka?

I don't have the words to describe the beauty of this. This man may very well be my long lost uncle.

You want to impress me motherfucker?...Take the wheel

Much has been made recently of Michael Phelps and his “unbelievable” dominance in the summer Olympics for which he has been rewarded with 8 Gold medals. This feat has led him to become the all time leader in gold medals for anyone that has participated in the Olympics. It is safe to say that this is an amazing accomplishment, but where do you go from here? What is the next step to continue the legend that is Phelps? For one thing I can tell you that it is not going to be in a pool. You see, he has reached the mountain top. He has proved to the world that he is the greatest. The only thing that he can do in the next Olympics is match the feat and perhaps add to his already amazing total of gold medals. Basically, he needs to find a way to stay relevant outside of the pool. That’s were one of his Olympic brethren is going to act as the model for which he must follow. Of course, I am talking about my main man Carl Lewis.
Carl Lewis was one of the most amazing athletes of all time, a force within the world of track and field. Yet, Carl was not a one trick pony. He knew that there was life after sport and he focused on finding exactly what that was. What Carl found is that he is also one of the greatest musical performers of all time. This music video is what, for me, only increased the legend that is Carl Lewis.



Now if Michael Phelps can make a video that is better than this I will anoint him god of Olympia. Until that happens I am not impressed.

IT'S FRIDAY...LETS ROCK

Pssst I have a secret

From time to time I realize that I am a bit overwhelming. If you were to base my personality entirely on this blog I think that you would tend to get a certain image of me. Yes, I am an extreme daredevil sex magician that burns with the fires of a thousand tribes while I set forth to conquer every challenge I face on this earth. But that isn’t the only thing that is me. You would find out there is a lot more to me if you dig a little deeper. There is another side to me that I don’t think people would expect, a softer side. With that in mind I thought I would share some things that you may have never expected from big ole bad Burt;

I cry once a year at the winter solstice to let out all of the sad juice in my body

My favorite Golden Girl is Blanche

I was a backup dancer for Dirty Dancing

I collect doilies

I have an extensive record collection of soft jazz

My biggest pet peeve is grocery carts with broken wheels

And………

I LOVE PUPPIES

I am going to go fishing...for Megaladon

The weather has been getting a little nicer lately in my area. I also have been looking to the skies and noticed that most of the bird population has been heading inland. This can only mean one thing. There is a Megaladon off the coast and I must hunt it. If you are not familiar with the megaladon here is a brief description from wikipedia;

The megalodon (pronounced /ˡmɛ.gə.ləˌdɒn/ or MEG-a-la-don; meaning "big tooth" or in Greek as μέγας 'οδόντος) was a giant shark that lived in prehistoric times, between about 18 million to 1.5 million years agoa[›] and was the apex predator of its time. It is the largest carnivorous fish known to have existed,[1] and quite possibly the largest shark to have ever lived. It is believed that the average size of the megalodon was between 12 metres (39 ft) and 18 metres (59 ft). This species is a member of the Lamnidae family but its classification is in dispute …..

Blah Blah Blah more science talk. Basically, this animal is a great white shark the size of a school bus. The entry goes on to say that people think that these animals may still exist in certain waters. Well they do. What do you think happened to all those people in the Burmuda triangle? Yeah, it was Megaladons. So this week I have decided to head out to the “triangle” as I like to call it and try and catch me a biggun. For this journey I am going to need a few things;

Bottle of whiskey
Row Boat
Cuban cigars
Side of beef
Bowie knife
Nose plugs
Hello Kitty Backpack
Floss
The easiest way to hunt the beast is to get out into the middle of the “triangle” and drop the meat overboard. The next step is to drink all of the whiskey. Believe me, you do not want to do this sober. Once the beast is in your sites you must entice it by dancing in the boat naked with the Hello Kitty backpack on. For some reason the mix of the colors and nudity pisses these things right off. As the monster approaches from the deep you need to make sure that your timing is on because you have to make sure that it eats you whole. I miss calculated one time and one of them got a good piece of my heel. Once inside the animal just cut your way out with the knife. Its pretty straight forward but the hard part is after that. Most of the time the row boat is going to be destroyed so you have to make a boat out of the animal carcass, which usually smells like four types of shit. However, upon arrival home after battling the seas and hungry sea birds you are going to have a good amount of meat and a pretty satisfied feeling.

If she can do it, I can do it

Recently, I have noticed that Jessica Simpson has decided to direct her career into that of a country singer. After her TV show was finished her father (pimp) decided that the next big move would be for her to focus on being in feature films. Since these films were not porn, and the fact that she can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag this idea failed miserably. That’s when dear old dad figured that it was time to move in another direction. His first plan was to put her into the arms of Tony Romo and hope that the exposure of her dating a famous football star in Texas would lead into his next master plan, to become the next great country star. I have to admit that I think this is an excellent idea, because any retard can make a country album. That is why I have decided to become a country star myself.

The first step in becoming a country singer is to select the type of star that you want to be. Many of the popular options include blatant racist, super American pride, good time party boy, big titted songstress (see Jessica), sad old farmer, and metro sexual cowboy. This decision is a tough one because most of the song content has to be derived from the image you choose. You can’t sing about loving your fourth wife tender and then go transition into a song about how Mexicans are worse than Al Qaeda. That would be stretching yourself way too thin. In order to be a success you need to pick an image and commit to it. Right now I am not to sure what type of country singer that I want to be. I would really appreciate your help in letting me know what you think would be the best choice for myself. At this time I am currently leaning towards super American pride country singer with my first album tentatively titled “If you don’t like speaking English you can get the fuck out.” I am open to suggestions though.

My god damned fucking arm

Shit it hurts. I have no fucking clue but for some reason it feels like my arm is in a state or permanent sleep. The second it feels like the pain is going away it shoots right back into my elbow and reminds me, even in my old age, that I am not invincible. I am not reffering to that movie that stared Mak Walbag. I am talking about walking through walls superman type invincible. I have compiled a short list of possible reasons that my arm feels this way. One of these has to be the reason for my pain;

Masturbating

Pulling the anchor for a crab fishing boat up with my bare hands in a field of ice during king crab season

I have recently had a stroke on the right side of my body and I am simply just toughing it out so that others don’t see any sign of weakness

I slept on it wrong

Masturbating

Playing tug of war against a gorilla

Throwing a football three hundred yards

The experimental procedure to see if I could possibly get a machine gun arm

Illegal immigrants

Giving myself HJ’s (Also see Masturbating)

Being a night club deejay

Holding up those 32 ounce beers at the concert this weekend

All of those are logical conclusions but in the end I think I might not go with any of them. I think that the real reason that my arm hurts so much is that I had to drink some Cheladas this weekend. It surely is the devils brew. I hate you Conor.

New career move

I had some free time yesterday in between my work as a taxidermist and my work as a male dancer to sit down and catch a little bit of television. Usually, I will hit the same channels and yesterday was no exception. I turned on ESPN to see if I could get highlights of the women’s curling championship in Hounds Bay, Nova Scotia. Instead, I was blessed with a show chronicling the misadventures of the And 1 basketball team. If you haven’t seen this show it is about playground basketball players who play a loosely governed form of basketball that favors style over rules and favors showmanship over teamwork. This game is perfect for me. The best part about it is that you can join the team and travel with them if you are the best player to play against them when they roll through your town. I have already begun my training, and in order to be on the And 1 team you are going to have to meet certain requirements;

Cool Nickname: This perhaps being the most paramount of all requirements. Whether it’s Escalade, Hot Sauce or the PRROOOOOOFEEESAR, you need to have a name that jumps out at the crowd, because lord knows that the guy on the bullhorn that announces the game wants a cool name to say. I have decided that my street ball name is Wet Panties.

Style: Another important concept is the style on and off the court. The players on the team are constantly getting new jerseys and sweat bands. Could I be crazy and wear two head bands at the same time? What about fraying my undershirt to make it look like one of those old leather jackets with tassels? I think that I will wait until I make the team to make that decision. I don’t want to jump on somebody else’s style.

Game: Finally, you have to be able to put your money were your mouth is. In order to stand out you need to have a move that makes the crowd go crazy. Moves that seem to get the most attention are dribbling through people’s legs, dunking the ball and incredible passing. Since I can’t do any of those things I am going to go with the half court bounce shot as my go to move. It isn’t necessarily going to “clown” anybody but I feel that it is my safest bet to make the team.

I am going to focus on these three things until the And 1 bus rolls back around my hood. In the meantime I will continue to stuff animals and strip but I don’t know how much longer I can take women taking advantage of my body.