A NEW PLAN

Had a little bit to eat over Thanksgiving did we? Overindulged a bit? Then you have fallen into my trap. As we speak I've drugged you with a highly powerful neurotoxin. You won't feel the effects, at first. Soon your body will grow tired and you will wake up in a leaky garage with junk food all around you. At this point you may feel a burning pain coming from the 2 hole. Don't worry, it's all part of my plan. Or should I say Wu Tang's plan.

I'll fuckin sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you.

You are going to pop like a balloon fatass.

THANKSGIVING RUINED ME

Today has been horrible. When I say that I rolled out of bed this morning I mean exactly that. When I awoke covered in sweat from nightmares about eating and drinking I also realized that my back is in severe pain from a game of "two touch" football over the weekend. I then proceeded to roll onto the floor by my bed before falling asleep in the shower. Then I got on the bus and went to work. Right now I am falling asleep sitting up and I think I may have to go number three very soon. Hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving.

LET'S BREAK BREAD

I know that I give you a hard time Wednesday. In fact I hate you stupid guts, but this is the time of year to be thankful for everything that we have in life. Yes, even monster sized dongbags like yourself. That's why I would like you to join me for Thanksgiving dinner. We will drown ourselves in old fashioned's and then get high to the bejesus on tryptophan. Perhaps after dinner we could have a cigar or a puff from my ceremonial peace pipe. All in all it will be a wonderful celebration. I promise that I will be a gentleman and that no harm will come your way. Unless you consider Aunt Flo's Ambrosia salad torture(lol). See you there you dirty motherfucking asshole.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNY WAQUIAO

Today is the birthday of noted pugilist, chef, smuggler, cupcake aficionado, lover and all around great person, Danny Waquiao. I would like to raise my glass to toast our birthday hero and to remind everyone else to do the same. Here's to you Waquiao!!!

Love Burt

PS Watch yourself Knophlis.

HAPPY FRIDAY FROM SILKY

THAAAANKS DAD

A story making its way around the interwebs this week involves a father who took his 11 year old son to Hooters after a football game. The father’s plan was to see how his son reacted and gauge whether or not it was time to talk about the birds and bees. The World’s Number One Dad (I am sure he has the Tshirt) has now come under fire from others who find it to be bad parenting. The most common complaint is that you are teaching a child to objectify women at a very young age. While I completely agree with this assessment, it is not the reason why I disapprove of a man taking his son to Hooters. I find fault in his parenting because Hooters food is fucking terrible. How are you going to subject your son to something like that? Do you want him to move out at 18 and never look back? Well, that’s what is going to happen if you keep this shit up pops. The nuclear diarrhea that one gets from ingesting any type of Hooters entrée could tear assholes and families apart. If you want to see where your son is at in regards to the ladies leave a dirty magazine out and see if he takes the bait. But for the love of sweet baby Jebus do not subject him to those wings.

HAVE FUN AT THE KUMITE

I entered Wednesday in the Kumite. If you are not familiar with the Kumite then I would not like to know you. Wednesday will have to compete with some of the worlds top fighters. I am pretty sure that the end result will be Wednesday shitting his pants as he says "MATE!" Why would I sign him up for something where I knew that the outcome would be less than positive? Well if I can take a page from the great Donald Gibb (Ogre) who plays Ray Jackson in Bloodsport...

WANTED: BABY SEAL

Does anyone have any idea where I can get my hands on a baby seal? I have wanted one for a long time now and none of the pet stores in my area seem to carry them. First off, let me assure you that I have no intentions of harming this seal or eating its delicious (so I am told) blubber. I just want to have a baby seal that lives in the bathtub in my apartment. I have taken the necessary precaution of installing rubber floors so that the baby seal can leave the bathtub whenever he sees fit to bask in the sun from the skylight I plan on drilling through my upstairs neighbor's floor this weekend. It's pretty obvious that I have planned ahead with regards to this situation. The only thing left to do is to find said seal and name him. My first choice is to name him snowball but I also really like the name freckles.

TOUGH LOVE IS TOUGH TO WATCH

I wish that I could go back in time and spend the hour that I wasted on this show yesterday doing something much more productive, like watching paint dry. It’s not that the show doesn’t have its moments. All of the women on the show have their own unique form of crazy and I guess that is kind of interesting. There is the girl who used to be fat, the girl who wants to get married at all costs, and of course a nice little sprinkling of gold diggers (always after me lucky charms I tells ya). The thing that gets my goat about this show, and many other ones for that matter, are the obvious plans that some off these people have to become “reality famous.” It is only a matter of time until these ladies try to out-crazy one another for the title. Right now my money is on this lady;

Her name is Rocky and she considers herself to be a rocker, artist and tequila drinker. It just so happens that she has 10 songs written for a yet to be published album and she can rap too! With all that talent it’s a wonder why she would go on a reality show to find love. If this lady somehow finagles stardom out this show I will eat my own hat.

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT

Corky gets lost and wanders around the mean streets of Chicago. He meets a kindhearted, young hooker who gives him his first sexual experience-essentially a few long kisses. (The episode is intentionally vague over whether they went further.) Corky is shadowed (and mystically guided) throughout the evening by a semi-mythic blues singer, the great Leon Redbone. Becca and Tyler spend a rainy, frustrated evening driving around Chicago looking for Corky, and end up smooching in the car. This episode was filmed mostly in black and white.

IN YOUR FACE

Leave it to that knucklehead Garfield to sum up all my feelings about Wednesday in one poignant picture. Just look at him! I bet he woke up in the morning and put on those workout clothes ready to conquer the day. Then he probably realized that it was Wednesday. Now, I am not sure that animated cats can read calendars, but I bet once Garfield realized it was Wednesday he headed straight for the kitchen for some of John Arbuckle's lasagna. Why would he give any effort on the worst day of the week? He may be a fat and lazy fuck, but I agree with him completely.

Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.

FRIDAY IS AS COOL AS ANIMAL

Knife Bird vs. Erotic Falconry

This first picture was sent to me by my friend Nad via the site for Unreality Magazine . This picture is not short on awesomeness. It also helps that Nad had this to say about it;

that eagle loves freedom and will stab you if you dont love it as much as he does

Truer words have never been spoken.


Then we have this photo...

It is from Erotic Falconry . There are many others on the site but this one sings to my heart. I imagine that if this falcon could talk he would be saying "BOOYEAH!"

To me, there is no clear winner. Both photos have a unique point of expression, but if either of these birds were wearing sunglasses we would have a winner.

If you think you can find a better picture of birds (WITH SUNGLASSES?!?!?) than these please send them my way. Or don't, its not like I give a shit.

Run for your life

Run you tubby little bitch. Run for your mafuggin life you lazy, smelly, good for nothing, abomination of a day.

Old Fashioned Thinking

"Call me old fashioned ... but I think we should worship the sun and moon as powerful gods, and fear them."
~Thomas Lennon

Keep your head on a swivel BC

My amigo, Shoopus Allieoopis, sent me a story about a young woman who has assaulted 4 men in Langley, B.C. The interesting part about these attacks is that they have all been aimed at the family jewels. Before you laugh about some girl going around and kicking guys in the nuts maybe you should read this excerpt from the article;

"I was looking down and then I took a passing glance and saw her walk up to me," he said.

That's when the young woman inexplicably kicked him in the groin hard enough to send one of his testicles into his abdomen.

That's right, into his fucking abdomen. JEBUS! If I am a guy living in BC you can bet that I am on high alert at all times with this crazy lady out on the street. I would also be wearing a cup and arm myself with pepper spray or mace. My balls hurt just thinking about it.

Some people had to go to work today

Tell you what dipshit

Here is what is going to happen. You are going to stop being the most unforgiving day in the week. If you don't, I am going to let the dogs have at the 12 pack of Oscar Meyer's finest tied around your waste. Your choice asshole.

P.S. A hungry dog will pretty much eat anything.

A look into the future

Every time I see pictures of Lindsay Lohan I have a few questions. What happened to her “bright” career? Why was Herbie not a critical success? How can someone work so hard all the time and still find time to have fun? And what will she look like if she makes it to 40? Unfortunately, answers to those questions seem to be complicated and hard to reach, all of them except the how she will look at the age of 40.

Earlier this year, I commissioned a crack team of age generation specialists to interpret what we can expect Lindsay to look like at the age of 40. The results were less than satisfactory. That’s when I decided that if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. So, I used my own hi tech software (MS paint) and came up with this depiction. It seems that all you have to do is draw some blonde hair on the Poltergeist lady and you have a dead ringer.

Yeeeeeeeehhhhaaaaawwwwww

Scientists hard at work on sending Balloon Boys family into space

NASA scientists announced a plan this week to send the Heene family into space. The Heenes gained national recognition with a failed publicity stunt that involved one of the children and an experimental aircraft. The stunt did not deter NASA from exploring

“Our plan,” said chief NASA scientist Charles F. Poone, “is to take the aircraft design that the Heenes created and make one that actually works. Of course, we also plan on enlarging the craft so that the whole family can fit on board for this prestigious mission.”

Charges against the family have been dropped on the condition that they participate in the study. The Heenes have signed on and will begin preparations over the next three months.

Poone stated that the training will not be too rigorous as they have already been made aware of the families’ weak stomachs. They also want to make sure that the craft is built to NASA standards.

“What we want to do is create a craft that can safely send the entire family into space.”

When pressed about further plans to retrieve the family Poone was a bit perturbed.

“I don’t think you understand. The plan is to send the family into space. That’s it. Our greatest hope in that they go out into orbit and never return again. If the balloon pops on the way up, so be it.”

It's GLORIOUS

PLEASE CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO VIEW IT'S FULL GLORY

I am proud to say that this week's Wednesday post was user submitted. Our submitter, Katy, took enough time between knife fights to create this work of art. There are so many things about this picture that pull me in. The baby infecting Wednesday with what I can only assume are measles or the pig herpes. Giraffe Puke. Friday looking like he is a Fonzi esque playboy. Thursday looks like she is a total dime. And more giraffe puke.

Pictures like this take you away to another world. Their beauty inspires you to create and inspire. I imagine this is the feeling one gets when they see the Mona Lisa or a really good video of animals doing it. This picture is my Graceland.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick

A British gentleman weighing in at an astounding 980 pounds needs a life saving operation from complications with an eating disorder (I know, I was shocked too). The thing that fascinated me the most about the article (besides that this gentleman hasn’t migrated to the northern seas) were the statistics involved. I came up with a few of my own so see if you can guess which they are.

The previous world's fattest man, Manuel Uribe, once weighed an unbelievable 1,230 pounds, but has lost more than 500 pounds after following a specially designed, low-carb diet (hey maybe this guy should try that)

A typical fart by this man weighs 2.4 pounds

He has spent much of the past eight years in bed at his home in Ipswich in Suffolk, England (to be fair, it’s a waterbed and it’s awesome)

His daily caloric intake is 20,000. That is 34.72 Big Macs or 54.05 Taco Bell bean burritos

His health care costs taxpayers an estimated $165,000 a year.(you could buy a lot of Big Macs or bean burritos with that type of scratch)

A ride in the 5 ton ambulance to the surgery will cost $148,000

I really hope that everything goes smoothly for this man as he begins a new and healthier life. I also hope to have a Big Mac later.

My life is like Oregon Trail

When I awoke in the dark this morning and stubbed my toe I couldn’t help but think that this was going to be a great day. Mondays are already just super to begin with, what with all the dealing with hangovers and the sad realization that the weekend is over. For the past few hours I have been trying to figure out a way to describe this day and I think I found a way to express that sentiment.

Right now, I feel like I am stuck in the back of the wagon on Oregon Trail. We have no more bullets left, two more rivers to ford, and Mary just broke her arm. There is a 100% chance that things are going to shit.

Monday, you aren’t Wednesday but you are getting dangerously close.

Cut from the same cloth

An answer for every question

Q: Do you like Phil Collins?

A: I have two ears and a heart don't I?

Amazazing

Shut up woman get on my horse

Throw him in the iron maiden!!!

WWBD

Go home, eat a grilled chaz samich, watch one hour of PBS, work on that paper about 80's films connection to satanic ritual and then get in to bed before the demons come to take me back to Galagon 7.

Friday face melter

This video is a very good representation of what you can expect from any of SF MUNI’s premier bus lines in the city. The highlights for me in this video were;

The use of the classic line “say that to me one more time”

That awesome jacket

Old sunglasses Mcgee watching her six

Everyone trying to ignore the situation

The most telegraphed punch in the history of time

The mouths on these two

The screaming

And the final front kick from our jacket wearing friend

They need to make more movies like Dark Blue

If only for quotes like this;

Pull this off, you'll be sitting on waterskis...
sucking fumes from my new boat...
a couple of kegs and hookers in Lake Havasu.

I think I have a new fan...EXCITING!!!

This comment was in regards to the post Killing sharks for a week is not easy . My biggest fan's name is dick, I mean Richard.

I have a better idea of what to do with your time:

1./ Grow UP!

2. No one is impressed with such a useless activity.. how hard is this?

They are USEFUL in nature, UNLIKE you... in fact, IF you really want to be famous... here is a hint:

Slice your wrists & dive in a LET YOUR CAMERAMEN PICK UP THE PHOTAGE...NOW THAT IS A SHOW, i WOULD watch, at least once... and hopefully the shark will not of your toxins! regards... am totally sick of fat white guys not wanting to be constructive with their God given lives... want to make a real difference..? Catch eatable fish (not shark!) and give them to the poor... adios

I am going to get right to work on that. Sounds fun.

So that's why he was always cooking

Jeremiah was a bullfrog…and an asshole

That’s right. He was also a womanizer and a smack addict. On many occasions he would steal from his friends in order to support these habits. To his credit, he did have some mighty fine wine. However, that is where the positives end. So if you ever happen to see a drunk/high bullfrog with a Thai hooker and a box of wine, walk the other way.

A message from Puff

If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.

Enjoy your day

I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only you.

Killing sharks for a week is not easy

I will be back in action next week where topics of discussion may include the placements of doilies in a living room setting, the benefits of cheese as lube, early French authors, and whether or not using saran wrap as a condom is an effective birth control method.

Banned? From Cracker Barrell? For Life?

This is Troy West. Troy thought that he could walk into a Cracker Barrel and physically and verbally assault a woman and her child. Well, it turns out that besides the law, Cracker Barrel also has their own form of justice for mouth breathers like Troy. Cracker Barrel had come down hard with a LIFETIME BAN to any of their restaurants. When you look at Troy I think it's pretty clear that news like this is devastating. Where will he get his Fancy Fixins now!?!?

Emperor Norton, I salute you

Today marks the 150th anniversary of Emperor Norton ascending to power. If you have never heard of the “Emperor of these United States” you can read all about him in a great article from the SF Chronicle’s Carl Nolte right here. Wikipedia explains;

Joshua Abraham Norton (c. 1819[2] – January 8, 1880), the self-proclaimed His Imperial Majesty Emperor Norton I, was a celebrated citizen of San Francisco, California, who in 1859 proclaimed himself "Emperor of these United States"[3] and subsequently "Protector of Mexico."[4]

Born in London, Norton spent most of his early life in South Africa. He emigrated to San Francisco in 1849 after receiving a bequest of $40,000 from his father's estate. Norton initially made a living as a businessman, but he lost his fortune investing in Peruvian rice.[5]

After losing a lawsuit in which he tried to void his rice contract, Norton left San Francisco. He returned a few years later, apparently mentally unbalanced, claiming to be the emperor of the United States.[6] Although he had no political power, and his influence extended only so far as he was humored by those around him, he was treated deferentially in San Francisco, and currency issued in his name was honored in the establishments he frequented.

Though he was considered insane, or at least highly eccentric,[7] the citizens of San Francisco celebrated his regal presence and his proclamations, most famously, his "order" that the United States Congress be dissolved by force (which Congress and the U.S. Army ignored) and his numerous decrees calling for a bridge and a tunnel to be built across San Francisco Bay.[8] On January 8, 1880, Norton collapsed at a street corner, and died before he could be given medical treatment. The following day, nearly 30,000 people packed the streets of San Francisco to pay homage to Norton.[9] Norton's legacy has been immortalized in the literature of writers Mark Twain and Robert Louis Stevenson, who based characters on him. In December 2004, a resolution was made to name the San Francisco – Oakland Bay Bridge in honor of Norton, but the idea did not progress further.[10]

This is the greatest idea of all time. Basically, he didn’t like how the chips were stacking up for him in life and he did something about it. Not only did he get everything for free but he walked around in a sweet uniform that included a sword. Yeah, that’s not awesome. IT”S FUCKING AWESOME. With respect to our deceased leader I too would like to change my title. Henceforth, I shall be known as His Majesty of Sexy Time Super Coolness and Protector of Woodland Creatures.

I think I know where I may be going after work.

Eat a fart Wednesday

The things that we can do with computers today. Technology like you would not believe.

Back off Warchild, seriously!

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

It just keeps getting better.

Things I plan on doing today

I thought I would take a minute today to salute the people who passed away eight years ago and those who continue to fight for our freedom around the world. I would also like to salute America by doing the following today;

Eat a bacon cheeseburger

Salute the flag

Listen to Johnny Cash read the Declaration of Independence

Look at pornography

Drink whiskey

Pay homage to my god (Mr. Stupendous)

Yeah, I can do all these things in America. If you don’t like it you can GEEEEEET OUT!

"He then started throwing the sea creatures."

This is Keith Edward Marriott. Keith likes the simple things in life, tanning, malt liquor and pretending to drown in order to throw jellyfish at people. You can read all about this modern day Poseidon right here .

After reading this article one thing becomes abundantly clear, I want to party with KEM. I want to develop sun stroke, drink a bottle of night train and fuck people up jellyfish style with him. Here is a guy who obviously is just trying to have a good time at the beach and bunch of stuck up party poopers had to ruin his fun. Keep on keeping on KEM.

Would you like to play a game?

When I wrote the title up top I was imagining that it was said by the robot from that movie War Games. You know, the movie with Ferris Bueller in it before he married a suckubis? Anyways, I invited Wednesday over today to play some pin the tail on the donkey. I didn't tell him it was a live donkey. In hindsight I realize that may not have been very fair.

Who is the winner?

It is time to pick a side. I don't want to do it, I have to do it. The problem is that I can't make a decision like this on my own. Please let me know who you think is the more worthy of food obsessed children. Is it Ice Cream Kid or Bacon Kid ?

What's on tonight?

FAMILY MATTERS
Laura is dateless for the upcoming school dance, so well-meaning Carl and Eddie (without consulting each other) set Laura up with three different dates. Carl's pick for Laura's date would be someone who would change their lives (as well as the show) forever, and one he'd forever live to regret: Steven Q. Urkel.

This little fella sure loves bacon

I thought ice cream kid was hilarious. This angry little ball of bowl cut will stand for no one taking his dern bacon and making him look like "sorry" people. You do not come between him and his bacon!