Job Wanted

I was looking through the classifieds the other day for some work. It was very mystifying that many of the job titles I was looking for were not being offered. Can you believe that Strongman is not really considered and occupation anymore? I guess that these guys now call themselves body builders, and it is more about looking good than it is about lifting heavy items in front of crowds. Another one that had me stumped is that lion tamer is not a job search on craigslist. I mean there are a shit ton of lions out there in the world. Somebody has to train them, don’t they? I mean we can’t have all of them running around like wild animals.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there doesn’t seem to be a job out there for a guy like myself, a swashbuckling sex sorcerer with mind control powers and really sweet hair. I mean I tried to do a little IT work for a while but was fired because I punched a non functioning computer so hard that it shut down the network. For a brief time I worked with the service industry but was canned after I refused to adhere to the hand washing criteria, I don’t bend for anyone. All the people from monster.com keep recommending me for psychiatric work, but that could possibly be from the department of health. I tend to get a little groggy with all the years of abuse I have put on my mind through legal and illegal drugs.
Basically, I have just come to a point were I don’t think the right job will ever come along for me. That is why I would like to write a short list of options that I will consider. Please only contact me with serious inquiries regarding these jobs;

Hippo Wrestler
Hip hop dancer
Bowling instructor
Megaman
Mickey’s salesman
Sushi chef
Sandwich artist
Gravedigger (the Bigfoot not the job with a shovel)
Bathroom attendant (preferably womens)
Millionaire
Phil Collins personal assistant
Santa or Easter Bunny
Jewel thief
Knife salesman
Panhandler

New tactic

I was having a discussion with my friend Matthew the other night. We were discussing the current state of the world and the proper way to cook a grilled cheese sandwich. When our conversation reached a lull, Matt brought up the topic of revenge. We talked about the many ways that people can get back at others, and how that dish is best served cold. Well I have to say I was trumped by one of the most wonderful pranks I had ever heard of. The BBD, or the Brita Ball Dip, is an easy yet effective prank. I don’t think I need to dignify it with an explanation but it is kind of like a baptism, for your balls. I trust that now that I know of this horrible prank I will never drink from a Brita filter again. Thank you Matt for sharing.

When will I fall in love on a reality TV show

I have been in many relationships in my time but they have all seemed to fail at one point or another. Maybe my reckless lifestyle and commitment to extreme shit was too much for the everyday woman. It could have been the rampant abuse of horse tranquilizers and my addiction to the video game TRON. It is most likely due to my body odor, which has been described as so musky that the word musk is trying to distance itself from me. However, I think I have finally figured out what it is I need to do in order to find someone to share their life with me. I need to have a reality show in which women vie for my affection over the course of a few weeks. What a great way to find the woman of my dreams! Having 15 women move into a house where they have to share cramped living quarters will help the alpha females rise up and weed out the weak before I even meet them. Then I will show up in a tank or something badass like that and explain to the ladies that I will meet them in the backyard for a cocktail hour, a meet and greet if you will. At this time I will also introduce them to my right hand man. He will be my Big John to Brett Michaels, my Big Rick to Flava Flav. I don’t know who I will finally pick, but I am leaning towards Burt Reynolds. Over the course of the next few weeks I will put these women through a series of humiliating challenges that rewards sexiness and cutthroat tactics. I am trying to find love here people! We will slowly whittle the field down with elaborate “elimination” ceremonies in which I will give each girl some sort of present that signifies I wish that she stay, followed by a uniquely crafted question to that effect. Still undecided, but at this point I like the idea of handing them a pink machine gun and eloquently asking, “do you still want to kick it here and have sexual intercourse with me?” Now this is all conjecture at this point but I hope by the time I have gotten it down to my final two I really have someone that has fake fallen in love with me. I mean, by that time I will have spent a day with their parents or some relative that still talks with them, and I am a pretty good judge of character. Let’s hope that it works out and I find love or that the show gets picked up for a second season. The only thing left to do now is come up with the name for the show. Currently, I am leaning towards “Destruction of Love.” MTV and VH1, my email address is on the site when you are ready to start discussing budgets.

Beat it NERD!!!

Seriously......Are you being real? I guess you have a tough time understanding that genuis isn't easy to understand.

It's my friend Lukes 12th birthday this weekend

My friend Luke is turning 12 this weekend. That is almost in the teenager years. I heard that his mom is gonna have a sundae table with like ten toppings. I also heard that there is gonna be a water gun fight and a water balloon tossing contest. I also heard that there might be a clown and a magician. I don’t like clowns though, they scare me. But I do like magicians. Have you ever seen that trick when the magician makes a bunny rabbit disappear? It is really neat. No, its radical. My mom said that the bunny goes to bunny heaven for a few minutes and then the magic guy brings him back. My favorite color crayon is green. You can use it for so many things like grass, boogers and grass.
One time last year I peed myself on the school trip to the aquarium and now my mom says I have to wear these special underwears that are rubber. I hope nobody notices them under my bathing suit. I also got a hair under my right armpit and I don’t know what I should do with it. Maybe…gotta go…transformers is on.

We'll get em next year

Remember that movie the Bad News Bears? The loveable tale of ragtag team of youngsters who go from the worst in the league to almost winning the championship. Yeah I do too. Unfortunately, that will be nothing like the San Francisco Giants this season. We will be staying at the bottom of the league this season regardless of what happens. I think the Giants would still be in last if they had Babe Ruth come back and sign a contract with them. All the teams in the national league west could die in a horrific four plane pileup and the Giants would still finish in last place. Jesus Christ himself could become the cleanup hitter and they would still be in the cellar. I guess what I am trying to say is that tickets are going to be pretty cheap this season. That, and I am going to be betting a lot on the Giants to lose. I figure that I might as well make some money while I have to sit through this season. I am a glass half full type of person.

TGIF

Man I am so glad its Friday. I think that after I get off work tonight I am going to stop by the liquor store and pick up a box of Franzia. Then it is straight home and to the couch for ABC’s Friday night lineup. I mean why would you go out when you have a block of shows together that reads like this;

Full House
When Stephanie apologizes to a boy at school, whom she had insulted by calling him "Duckface", he declares her to be his "secret girlfriend".

Family Matters
When Steve's appendicitis puts him in the hospital, Carl thinks he's in store for a few nerd-free days ... until he is shot in the butt while trying to foil a robbery and winds up sharing the same hospital room as Urkel.

Perfect Strangers
Balki insists on buying a lottery ticket but Larry thinks that it is just a waste of money for something that can't possibly win. But during the draws, Larry realizes that Balki picked the right numbers and won 28 million dollars but Balki can't remember where he hid the ticket.

Step by Step
One of Carol's clients has the Foster/Lamberts come to her country club, and while some are uncomfortable being there, each family member has their own unique experience.

MAN!!! How are you going to beat that on a Friday night? You know that Stephanie Tanner is going to say “how rude” sometime in this episode. It has to happen. Boy, and I bet Steve gets on Carl’s last nerve and hilarity ensues. What can you say about Balki that already hasn’t? I bet Mipos is just as wonderful and interesting as the man who came from there. Then you are gonna finish all of that up with a Susanne Sommer’s helmed TV show. I think I have died and gone to heaven.

Tut tut tut....Not so fast Tuesday

I received an electronic message over the interwebs from my friend Mike;

“You underestimate the crappiness of Tuesday. Although it has some international greatness in the forms of Taco Tuesday, Two for 1 Tuesdays and Fat Tuesday… these name games are just rhetoric to hide the fact that it is just another shitty day sandwiched in between Monday (my sworn enemy) and Wed (which everyone tries to build up by calling it hump day). God I hate when people say, ‘happy hump day’.”

I would have to agree with you on that sentiment Mike. Now while I won’t completely agree with you that Tuesday has taken over Wednesday as douchebag of the week, I will agree that it it’s not as great as people make it out to be. Tuesday thinks he is one of the cool kids and that his shit doesn’t stink. Well it does, really bad. A week should only be Thursday through Sunday. That is until Monday night football comes back. - MM

Well....my bracket is done

Thanks a lot Cornell. This is that last time that I pick an Ivy League school to win the NCAA tournament. I really thought that you had what it takes this year. What, with the fantastic use of the chest and bounce passes I looked for you to be an unstoppable force for this years tournament. What I failed to realize is that basketball has changed dramatically from when me and the other gents would play with peach baskets in the back of Atherton William’s father’s estate. The game has matured in ways that I never thought possible. Now with the crazy addition of the slam dunk and three point shot plays our Ivy League boys have been left behind in the dust. I guess I am just a relic from the past. Give me a Winthrop Jennings inbound bounce pass to Prescott Thourogood for a lay-up any day over this new “Alley-OOP” play. Where are the fundamentals? What happened to boxing out and keeping people over 6 foot out of the game? I tell you, I don’t know what to make of it. I guess this game is no longer a gentleman’s contest and I need to realize that. That and I am also out twenty bucks.

All y'all seen da leprechaun lemme here you say YEAH!!!

Ah yes Saint Paddy's day. I know that I am going to seen some leprechauns today, for many reasons. One being that today is a magical day for the little people and they are most likely to show there faces today above all others. Another reason is that midgets or "the vertically challenged" also will be wearing leprechaun costumes. If they don't have a pot of gold I would lean towards them being a midget, or a very fiscally savy leprechaun. The final reason is that I know I am going to have so much whiskey today that hallucinations are a given, and I plan on seeing Darby O'gill and the little people play Danny Boy in my bedroom at around 2 am. Anyhoo, I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful day filled with merriment and beer, and sweet delicious whiskey.

Warning: Count Assula Returns

The moon is high in the city of New York and Count Assula has caught scent of the western territories again. He has dined on what NY has to offer yet he thirsts for more. This man, or entity, will not be denied his manifest destiny. If you have liquor, daughters or Otis Redding CD's I suggest you lock them all up. He will plunder. His motivations are reduced to primordial instincts. He has been known to fornicate in the areas of North Beach, the Mission, and the Warf. He has many tactics, each more incredible than the next. Ancient secrets forgotten in time, shrouded forever in secrecy. Plug the butts of those you love. The warning has been issued. - DF & MH

Skeezus Christ

If there was any game on earth more important than Skeeball I would be hard pressed to find it. After just one week of playing in my first

Skeeball league

I am hooked. Now I have played many different sports and have had some extreme adventures over the years but nothing compares to skeeball. It is as though God himself invented this game. I will ask him about it the next time we talk. Its simplistic beauty, dedication to perfection and timelessness are unparalleled. It also helps that you can throw down about 30 PBR’s while you play and your game gets better. I look forward to this evening’s test of courage, and whiskey. Please look into joining in an area near you. This game has changed my life. And by change my life, I mean I finally have something to do on Wednesdays other than lift weights and write poetry.

P.S. I hear that the fine young gentleman from the Sofa King Good team really are trying turn things around tonight.

I talk to God...A lot

I talk to god. A lot. We talk in all forms. Sometimes he will just start talking straight into my brain, but usually he calls or IM's me. His most favorite is IM. I think it's because he knows I like all the funny abbreviations and he can make his own emoticons. Last night when we were IMing he was all like;
"The should totally do a facebook for lepers."
And I was like;
"totes!"
I understand that he was trying to get the awareness out but I didn't have the heart to tell him that Leprocy was not as big of an issue on earth these days. We went on to talk about the current presidential race and my appreciation for his work on fucked up looking animals like the platapus. We IM'd a little bit more about weather for the upcoming weekend, and God told me about his plans to get some anal bleaching done. We each sent out a ttyl and promised to text eachother after work today. That's just the kind of connection I have with the lord. It's really open.-DF

A learning computer

I was tipped off by my colleague Joseph that Wednesdays still suck. I gave you a chance Wednesday to turn around the perceptions that many people have of you. Well guess who shit the bed again? I won't even dignify that with an answer. Instead, I will be sending a Saturday from the future back in time to destroy you Wednesday. Good luck dealing with this guy asshole. His CPU is a Nueronet processor, a learning computer. He will not sleep until you have been terminated.

101 is a good pump

I did 101 pushups this morning. Not 100, not 102, 101 pushups, military style. I was watching the Disney movie about all those cute dalmations the night before and it must have just stuck in my head. The thing I don’t get is I live by my own rules and never let my subconscious rule me, but one thing keeps on happening. If I hear a number before I go to bed I have to wake up the next morning and immediately do that amount of pushups. Can you imagine the time that my little boy Danny mistakenly left 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea at my bedside table? Needless to say, when my arms regained feeling we had a little chat. Don’t get me wrong, I love pushups, LOVE THEM. It’s just that 20,000 is a lot more than I am used to in my daily workout. I am trying to find a way to beat this problem. One reason is that I may be forced to lose a lot of my morning to doing pushups. The other problem is that if I get any more buffed I will be entered into the Mr. Universe contest against my will, and I don’t want to win that stupid thing again.

Let me tell you a few questions

1. Did you know that MAK WAHLBAG is the greatest actor of all time?
B. Did you know that I will knock your fucking teeth out if you disagree with me?

What is love?

What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

Everybody plays the fool

Let’s be friends Wednesday, for serious. I feel really bad about how I have treated you. I am going to try and enjoy your company more and not make so many disparaging remarks. I will also promise to stop that whole jihad that I said I was going to deliver to you.

Love,
Burt

PS Hearts and Hugs

Ya turkey

I just wanted to write a column of thanks to Doctor Steve Brule. His knowledge of medicine and his sophistication are unparalleled. There have been many times where Dr. Steve has taught me to go away from convention to get better results. His segments for living on your lonesome are fantastic, and I never knew that rubbing vinegar on yourself could decrease body odor. Thank you Dr. Steve and I hope to one day share a glass of SWEET BERRY WINE with you.

Open wide you son of a bitch

Roy Scheider has passed away at the age of 75. I got to know Roy when I was working on the set of Jaws. This was early in my career and I was doing some free lance stunt work for a few different studios. After a few days on the set I was elected to be the person who peddled the bike inside the beast known as Jaws. All of those scenes when shark is moving through the water at a tremendous speed is actually me peddling a ten speed at about 70 miles per hour. The hardest part was taking those barrels filled with air under the water with me. Actually, that was the second hardest part. The hardest part was making sure that the machine had enough speed right before Roy shot the compressed air tank inside. I jumped out of the back just in time, and the rest is cinematic history. Even up until recently we would phone one another and laugh about how many times that thing sank with me inside. You will be missed Roy, and you were one hell of a shot. RIP