Update: They already knew about them

A while ago I wrote an article about this lost tribe of people that had not been discovered until recently. Well it turns out that this is not the case;

As it turns out, the story is only half true. The men in the photo are members of a tribe, but it certainly isn't "lost." In fact, as the photographer, José Carlos Meirelles, recently explained, authorities have known about this particular tribe since 1910. The photographer and the agency that released the pictures wanted to make it seem like they were members of a lost tribe in order to call attention to the dangers the logging industry may have on the group.

Yeah, I am sure that this has everything to do with logging. We all know that this is part of their clever plan to try and take over America. As I said earlier we must stop these terrorists at any cost. They already knew about these people and did nothing about it. So that means that these people have had close to a hundred years of time to stockpile the weapons needed for a hostile takeover of America. I dom't even want to think about the many body painting techniques they have invented in that time. I for one think we need to mobilize even more young men and women to stop this threat from Americas beard. If we have not done this the terrorists have won. Also, if I don't have a turkey club for lunch today the terrorists will have won. And if you can't take that type of American attitude, you can get out!

Well if your so god damned smart how come you can’t do 100 pushups?

Well Einstein, I am waiting. Sure, you may be able to describe to me the difference between types of elements on the periodic table, but I bet you can’t do 1000 situps before breakfast. What’s that you say? You were head of your class at Harvard law and you had a 4.0 grade point average. Well LADI Fucking DAH Florence Nightengale. I would bet pretty good money that you can’t run the 100 yard dash in less than twelve seconds on your best day. Sure you may be book learned and know how to work a computer, but I can bench press 500 hundred pounds 3 times. I guess what I am saying is that people will always try to one up you with irrelevant facts about their education history or their big ole brain capacity, but in the end it comes down to one thing. If a pickup truck fell on top of someone in front of you would you be able to pick it up and save that persons life? I didn’t think so jackass.

Get out of my home

A major story as of late in Berkeley has been the ongoing standoff between UC Berkeley and environmental groups in regards to some trees near the campus. The issue is that the school wants to cut these trees down in order to break ground on a new athletic facility. This was not taken well by many environmental groups in the area and in a response they have climbed the trees and set up camp. People have now been living in these trees for well over a year. The school has tried to make many efforts to get the people out of the trees, many of which have not stopped the people protecting the trees from remaining in them as a residence. Well, it looks as though more force has been used as of late and the argument is reaching a crescendo.

I really don’t have a particular feeling one way or another as to how this issue turns out. However, I enjoy a good squabble and there is nothing like completely different people trying to change eachother’s viewpoint through loud words and mean faces. I decided to head on down to Berkeley and see what all the fuss was about. When I got there I was surprised to realize that people were so caught up in their arguments that no one would speak with me about how this situation made them feel. So I did the next best thing. Using my gift of speaking with animals I had a chance to speak with a young squirrel named Larry. Larry is from Oakland but now lives in one of the trees in question. We talked at length about the situation but I think these were his most poignant remarks;

You know quite frankly I am ready for this to end. I love my tree but these hippies are horrible roommates. They just sit up here all day listening to Jam band music and eating granola bars. Do you know what shit smells like when all you eat is granola bars? It is horrible to me and I am a fucking animal. Even more unnerving is the smell of these guys. If you didn’t know already, trees don’t have showers in them. Mix that with the already normally poor hygiene of my newest roommates and you have a relative stinkapalooza. If I have to listen to one more of these assholes talk about what they are doing to save the environment and the world I am going to snap. Yes sir, I am sure that the utopian society you speak of were everybody like “does stuff” for one another can exist but lets focus on the now.

It is pretty obvious that Larry has a few problems with the current state of affairs but looks at life with a grain of salt. Besides, he said that there are a lot of other trees out there, so if he has to move on he can.

The Lakers lost

Well it is finally nice to see that Kevin Garnett has won an NBA championship. He already had built an impressive career that was sure to be recognized by the hall of fame when it is complete. This championship is just a positive note to add to an already illustrious career. Congratulations.

Now that I am done swinging on K.G.’s nuts I would like to get down to what really made me happy yesterday evening. My heart was aflutter as I watched the Lakers’ players sit through the second half of what looked like a high school basketball game. A high school basketball game that would be on par with a team full of blue chip division 1 recruits versus the school for the blind. Now I have nothing against blind people, I am blind in my left eye from a knife fight I had when I was in the shit. I have a problem with the Lakers and the fans of the team in general. As you can imagine last night was a wonderful experience for me. I felt like I was given a basket filled with puppies that piss whiskey and crap weed. It was just a wonderful experience to behold. Yet, there was one thing that I think made this victory a bit sour for me, that the Celtics didn’t clinch the victory in L.A.

It would have been wonderful to see all the fan reaction when the air was sucked out of the Lakers season. Would Justin Timberlake (I call him JT) have run onto the court to celebrate with the Celtics after they won, even though he was there to support the Lakers? You bet he would. Would Will Smith have abandoned Jada to give reverse HJ’s to Sam Cassell? For sure! It is because people in LA are into trends and when a new trend hits they jump off that sinking ship, and fast. So now that the Lakers season has ended and we all have to sit through their explanations of how they lost this championship that so many said they would win, I wonder what the next big thing will be. I am going to go out on a limb and say that is has something to do with hammer pants or movies based on gay robots.

What have I done to anger the weather gods?

I am at a loss for words when it comes down to the recent weather trends we are experiencing. One day it can be quite sunny and pleasant and the next you can find me on the couch buried under blankets like those creepy grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. No, I don’t get buried under blankets with a bunch of octogenarians, I just sit under the warmth of blankets to hide the loss of my faculties due to the cold. I turned the heat on yesterday. It is June for love of pete. Which leads me to my question, which God did I anger to make things this way?

I am not trying to say it is completely my fault, but it probably is. Was there some ritualistic sacrifice to be made that I missed? Did I not pray in the right direction when the sun was setting? Does Marclar, the god of horrible films, have an the ear of other Gods? Yeah, so I didn’t like Air Bud 2. That doesn’t mean that you have to talk to your buddy in the weather department and make my life shitty. I mean c’mon it is a movie about a dog that plays basketball.

Look, I am really sorry about whatever I did to inspire this bad weather but I want to make things good again. Please give me a sign as what to do to appease you. I have no problem with pretty much anything that you need me to do. Just don’t make me watch Air Bud 2 again.

Thank you Jebus

It is as if some magical fairy had been watching my dreams and decided to combine them all into one object. I feel as though the mighty gods have taken pity on the things I have had to endure in life and are now trying to make up for it. This is a good start, a very good start .

Sometimes I wonder if heaven got a ghetto

Just the other day I was listening to the song by 2PAC and it got me thinking? Does heaven really got a ghetto? If most popular theories are true, heaven is a magical land where all of one’s wildest dreams can come true, a land of champagne wishes and caviar dreams. I think that 2PAC was merely asking whether or not there would be a place for his lifestyle in heaven. My question is can heaven handle the type of ill shit that I would like in my personal heaven? I am not going to sit here and describe what my personal heaven is like to the rest of you. Frankly, because I think that my heaven is way too sexy and awesome for most people to handle. If my heaven was described to people their heads would explode and the world itself would detach from its gravitational pull hurtling the rest of society towards a final collision with the Sun or Mars (not sure). I am not saying that you couldn’t have an equally awesome and sexy heaven. I am just saying that it probably isn’t likely. Please feel free to try and describe what you think would be the greatest version of heaven but remember head explosions and the sun.

FOX's newest fall hit

Well it took some time, but I finally was able to get a pilot with FOX. Yes, I realize that it is not that hard to get a pilot with FOX considering that show with Kelsey Grammer and the other one about prison sex. However, an opportunity is an opportunity, and I really think this idea has some legs. Let me give you a little sneak peek into what you can expect on the soon to be megahit Office Butler. A brief synopsis;

The show follows Edward Longington, a Royal Butler from the United Kingdom, who has been relieved of his service due to inappropriate sexual contact with the Royal Maid staff. Humiliated by a tarnished reputation and a lack of job openings Edward takes a job as the butler for a wacky computer sales company in San Francisco. A butler for a sales company?!?! Exactly! Edward is going to have a lot to learn when his formal attitude meshes with the zany staff of Center Source. Of course, as Edward starts his new job he starts to make both friends and enemies among the staff. He finds problems with the overbearing facilities manager Thad Munclap and develops a friendship with the mildly retarded company janitor Harvey Musterman (who in a twist is not retarded, and is actually the CEO). There is also the love interest of Mary Shinnmanburg, the one eyed narcoleptic secretary and the constant threat of deportation. British restraint is put to the test when Edward Longington is Office Butler, Saturdays at 12am on FOX.

I don’t know about you but I think that this show is going to be the fucking bomb. I know that I wrote it, but I think I am being fairly impartial. Besides, Mad TV is still on at that time, and that heaping pile of shit doesn’t have anything on Office Butler. This show is going to make 60 minutes look like Romper Room. - AL, CK, MH

I want to get in shape...Prison style

Last night I had the pleasure of watching Lockup on TV. If you haven’t seen the show it chronicles America’s prisons and the people who inhabit them. Most shows deal with the same type of things; riots, drug sales, gang affiliation, intercommunication between convicts and gang rape….sweet sweet gang rape. The one thing that I don’t think they focus on enough is how guys who are confined to cells for 23 hours a day stay in such wonderful shape. Sure, you have all the time in the world to masturbate but I think it is more than that. Its all about getting that prison swole. The Urban Dictionary defines swole and even gives an example in a sentence;

To be big, with large muscles.

Usually one gets 'Swole' or 'Swole Up' while in prison because of excessive lifting weights.

In Texas usually pronounced Shwole.
'oooooooooooie that maaafucker is swole!!!

I think that if I was going to get “swole” I would focus on the pushups and resistance training. I hear that rolling up ones mattress is a good way to do some power lifting. I also remember this movie with Michael Keaton where he fills up bags with water and does curls with those. That might work.

But why would you be worried about getting swole in prison you may ask? My theory is that sooner rather than later I will be going to jail for some offense. My biggest fear is that I will be released back into general pop without the physical strength to take on five or six men in a shower knife fight. Please let me know if any of you have some exercise routines that may help.

I thought this was ergonomic

One of the companies I work for has changed its base of operations and today is the first day at the new site. The first thing that I have noticed is that everything in the office is ergonomic. My new chair…. Ergonomic. My new modern cubical working space with built in closet….. ergonomic. White board to diagram up game plays and draw pictures...yep, ergonomic. I have not christened them yet but word on the street is that the toilet seats are ergonomic too. Now I am not really sure what ergonomic means but I think it has something to do with the Greek god of comfort. Wikipedia defines it thusly;

Ergonomics is the scientific discipline concerned with designing according to the human needs, and the profession that applies theory, principles, data and methods to design in order to optimize human well-being and overall system performance. [1] The field is also called human engineering, and human factors engineering.

Well for some odd reason I feel that this is a bit of an overstatement. If I was to define ergonomic it would probably have something to do with Lazy Boys, a microwave, and a magazine rack for my consistently long bathroom breaks (nobody drops the Cosby’s off at the pool with the dedication and precision that I do).

Maybe I just haven’t given this ergonomic trend a fair shake. Maybe in time I could learn to love and grow in an ergonomical enviorment, but right now my back is killing me and nobody has explained where the free snack room is. FUCK.

We must stop these terrorists

There is no doubt that by now you have heard the news about the discovery of a lost tribe of people discovered deep in the forests of the Amazon, a sect of peoples that have never come in contact with a society outside of their own, fascinating. That is why I am going to go out on a limb here and beat the Bush administration to the next obvious step. We had best send troops to the Amazon and take care of these bastards before they ruin our way of life. One day we are marveling at their ability to self sustain themselves and their culture. The next, we are fighting for our lives while they shoot their arrows at us and use black magic. I bet the arrows even have anthrax on the tip of them. You might say, “Burt you can’t be serious.” Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. If we don’t start protecting our borders from people like this we are going to regret it for the rest of our lives. Leave them alone some may say. Well, they have already seen us flying above them, which means Charlie has the jump on us. That is why we need to focus on getting our troops out of Iraq and into the Amazon. If not to protect our borders and American way of life, then to see if they have any oil down there. I mean I think it’s a little easier to fight a few orange guys with arrows than people with guns. USA USA USA!!!!!!

A trip to Whales Vagina sounds nice

Anytime one of these three day weekends come around I get down on my knees and thank Sudaram, my god and savior, for his kindness and generosity. The other thing I do is try to get out of town for a little me time. Well, this time around I have decided to visit Whales Vagina for a few days and soak up the atmosphere. It is going to be quite a time. I plan on coming in HOT, hitting the ground running at a rate of speed that many would not perceive rational. However, I will try to remain dignified in the presence of this beautiful town and my constituents. All that being said I would like to issue a simple mantra for the weekend. See the ball, be the ball, drink a high ball.

It's someones special day

There is a sweet boy that lives down the street from me and it is his birthday today. He loves Ghostbusters and candy. He also wanted me to tell everyone that he appreciates the well wishes and candy baskets. He would have said thanks but he only types one word a minute.

Holy shit it is hot out

It is hot as balls out right now and I am frustrated. Don’t get me wrong. I happen to love hot weather. I welcome a chance to don the speedo and head out to my local park for a little sunning. What gets my panties all in a bunch is that never, not once, has the Coors Light Ice cold Beer train run through my neighborhood. I know that the thing exists. It has been in countless commercials. You know the scenario. It is closing time at work and everybody is exhausted by the heat and a long day of servitude to the powers that be, when all of a sudden this silver bastion of hope comes flying out of nowhere handing out ice cold beers and making life just a bit more bearable. Where the fuck is this magic train when I need it?!? The thing doesn’t run on tracks or anything. Scientists have concluded that it is a magic train. If it is a engineer you need then I am your man, but please don’t deny my people this super train any longer. Today would be the perfect day to do it. I will be waiting at my corner at about 4pm and if I don’t start to hear “Love Train” by the O’Jays you best believe that heads are going to roll. That’s right Pete Coors, you rocky mountain water drinking son of a bitch.

Nickolas Spencer is a dirty dumb whore

There are some people in life that, tragically, have been ignored to a point that obnoxious behavior is the only reason people pay them any attention. Whether it was little attention from their parents, impotency issues or overwhelming body odor something happened that led people to distance themselves. The only thing left to do at this time is make outrageous claims in order for people to realize who you are in the first place. One such person is Nickolas Spencer. I do not know this asswipe from a hole in the wall but apparently he thinks that everyone does. Nick, if I can call him that, wrote quite an unflattering letter to a group of people describing what he thought were injustices revolving around a certain recreational league’s treatment of him. His largely un-based claims seem to point to a person who is lonely and mad at the world. More to the point, he just seems like a gigantic gaping asshole. Anyways, I wanted to say that I thought that this league was a great chance to meet people of like mind and I do not have one bad thing to say about it. So to the people who made it so enjoyable, I thank you. As for our friend Nick I think that my feelings would best be represented by the words of Silky Johnson and Ice T;

“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you, but I hate you. I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only to you.”

“I want every hot tub you ever step in to be cold.”

May Madness?

We have finally come to the breaking point of the season. The Brewskee Mug Tournament has arrived. As you can see above the Wednesday night league is going to have a doozy of a first round. Team Sofa King Good has their hands full with the Skee Amigos, a most worthy opponent. Don Juan Hundo, Hot Dog Hurley and myself have our work cut out for us. The only way that I can think of describing our plan for the tournie is best described by the words of the late Tupac Shakur as Birdie in Above the Rim;

"All I see right now is Bombers, Bombers, Bombers.....CHAMPIONSHIP!"

Now if you replace Bombers with Sofa King Good you have our montra.

Sweeps week

Well it finally happened. After all my years of sending in head shots I am going to be doing some work during sweeps week. I am talking about on camera work. Yours truly has been given a contract to appear on the Hills. Yes, those Hills. They wanted a really hunky guy to be the new love interest. For whom you might ask? All of the people on the show, that’s who. MTV has taken into account the raw sexuality that I exude and think that I would be the perfect fit for every character on the show. Both the guys and girls will fall for this new hunk. Basically, I am going to come onto the scene as a hardened east coast bad boy with a cloudy past that lives by his own rules and loves Yaeger Bombs. It doesn’t matter that I am actually from the west coast because my east coast accent is dead on. You just have to use a lot of “HEYYY” and “OHHHHHHH” in your regular conversations. Example;

“HEYYYYY yo honey get ova here and let me get a better look at that ass of yous….OHHHHHHHH!”

I am going to go to all the hip clubs and accidentally bump into different groups that are on the show. Maybe I will even be dj’ing because a lot of people do that I am told. Within a week I will probably have already been mentioned as a love interest for all the people on the show. Of course, there will have to be a point when I have to break everyone’s hearts and leave the show. I am hoping that the reason is the secret service couldn’t find a recruit worthy enough to guard the presidents dogs, so off I head back to the east coast. There will be tears and I am sure that one of stars will have something really deep to say like, “did that juss really HAPPEN (blank stare devoid of any brain waves).” I will get a little emotional and explain that this is something I have to do, but that when I am done I will come back, which is really a lie because I never plan on being on the show again. What I really want is my own spin-off.

I think that Hulk said it best

Tonight marks the end of the regular season for Brewskeeball and the team is starting to gel at the right time. Don Juan Hundo and Hot Dog Hurley have taken this team to unimaginable levels. We embark on tonight’s contest much like Hulk Hogan had to deal with people when he was at the top of his game;

“In generalities, thank God people are nipping at my heels, talking about me, and jealous. Sometimes people celebrate my failures. It's just a different take on things. Sometimes people are good people and sometimes people are bad people. Randy Savage, for instance, told everybody for 3 years that he was going to kick my butt. I ran into him in Orlando, walked right up to him, offered to shake his hand - he wouldn't shake my hand, didn't want to go outside. He just sat in his chair and shook for 30 minutes scared to death. That has got to tell you something about his character. He can say whatever he wants. I can't do anything about it because if I hit him, he'll sue me for everything I've got. That's his deal. That's what makes him happy. He lives in misery.”

It is eirie how much professional wrestling and skeeball leagues are alike. So to all you miserable assholes that think you will take us out I have only one question for you. Once again I will use the noble words of the Hulkster;

"Watcha gonna do? When the 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania destroy you!"

I want a nickname

Lately I have been thinking about why I don’t have a nickname. Sure, Burt is a pretty sweet name in and of itself but I would really like to have a nickname. The problem is that nobody has given me one. I am a man of etiquette, and following those principals it would be rude of me to decide on a nickname for myself. It has to be chosen for me. Like my good friend Catfish Lamson. Now his name isn’t really Catfish, but that is one hell of a nickname. I want to have a nickname that jumps out at you and says “BOOYEA” or something of equal volume. I can also tell you what I don’t want. Remember that episode of Seinfeld were George is trying to persuade people to call him T-bone and he ends up with Coco for a nickname instead? I don’t want that to happen. That is why I have decided to open this up for debate. Please let me know what you think my nickname should be. Try to make it sound really macho.

Shit Damn

I tell you what. I come out of my house this morning and I see that the gas price has reached the unthinkable level of $4.00. Flabbergasted would be the word of choice in this situation. What is this gas made out of anyways, Chuck Norris’s tears and unicorn horns? I would understand if that was the case because both of those items are extremely rare. Yet, it is just oil. This has led me to the ultimate conclusion. It is time for me to sell my car.
That’s right I am going to be putting my T Top IROC-Z on the market in order to purchase a more gas efficient vehicle. Now its going to be real tough getting rid of this little beauty. It’s got a lot of extra special features that all you book learned elitists don’t have enough appreciation for. That airbrushed painting on the hood of an Aztec Goddess sacrificing a lamb on top of an old ruin in a thunderstorm was custom made for yours truly. I also had a pretty sweet nitrous system in there for that extra kick in top gear, or as I like to call it the panty banisher. Finally, I had rewired my window cleaners to point into the car. Why you might ask? It’s because I pour whiskey into the window cleaning tank. Anyways, she was a real beauty, but it is time to move on.
I have been looking through the auto traders and I can’t find a god damned thing that makes me feel good about selling my car. So I am going to do the most logical thing and buy a golf cart. I am just hoping that I will be able to get it airbrushed, and that my electricity bill isn’t too high.