Obessesed (not so much)

If you have not seen Obsessed yet…don’t. I want the two hours back from my life that I could have spent sleeping or fixing my potato gun. Seriously, I would gladly take up a hobby like knitting or working with killer bees if I could erase this film from my memory. It seemed as though the entire movie was one large take for Beyonce to try and pretend she wasn’t in a music video (psst…it didn’t work).

You’re better than that String!

Looking for my Goomah

Orange male, 24, pretty tall, fucking jacked. Looking for a girl who likes tanning and going to clubs. You got to be a good cook but not a better cook that my mother. I work out 8 days a week so you better be in shape, no fatties. I have three tattoos; one tribal, one barb wire and one tribal barb wire. My hobbies include shopping for shirts with humorous sayings about my penis, dead lifting, and eating with my hands. People say I am thoughtful, caring and funny. If you don’t believe me I will kick your fucking ass. No fatties.

Gnome Sayin

This picture tickles my funny bone

And I don't mean my penis. Get your head out of the gutter you perve!

CHILD PLEASE!!!

Child Please indeed Chad. Child Please indeed.

Leave Miley Alone!!!

People are going to look at these pictures and probably have some choice words for Miley Cyrus. I just don’t think that’s fair. Come on! She is sixteen years old! That is definitely an old enough age to take sleazy pictures in Vanity Fair or to date a 20 year old underwear model. Why don’t people just leave her alone? I bet that folks are going to get all righteous about this too. Probably saying things like “A 16 year old has no right to be on a stripper pole while performing at the kids choice awards.” WHATEVER!!! That is not a stripper pole. It is clearly an ice cream cart that they took the umbrella of in order to have more dancing space. So before you start going around and criticizing her remember a few things. She is Christian and she has a very good family structure at home. I mean any father would be proud to see his daughter….. Oh shit. I just saw this photo.
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Looks like someone was OXY CLEANing his nose

This actually explains a lot. His ability to talk about shitty household items for hours upon end. The constant sweating and yelling. His thirst for thai hookers. Well, maybe not the Thai hookers but you have to admit that everything makes a whole lot more sense now.

Fare the well Office Butler

After a long and tumultuous journey Office Butler has been canceled. It leaves with critical acclaim yet a very low viewer rating. Good luck in the future Mr. Longington, shows like this only come along once in a lifetime.



Original Office Butler Post

Negotiation worked well

The big news over the past 24 hours has been the successful release of journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling from North Korea. They were expected to serve up to 12 years in a hard labor camp for entering the country illegally. That was until the inventor of the internet and sweet Billy C walked up in there and made a deal that Kim Jong Il could not refuse. What hasn't been reported is that we had to send someone over to take their place and serve that time for them. I may or may not have had something to do with it but as you can imagine I am pretty happy with the choice that was made. Have fun in hard labor camp asswipe.

Selling Crack Now?!?!?

"Yellow Tops!! WMD's WMD's!!! Got them BODY BAGS!! Right chere right chere!!!"

Wednesday observed saying this just yesterday in Hamsterdam by yours truly.

Kirby Cove is Magic

Kirby Cove is a land where dreams are made and fortunes are won and lost. Where the beer flows like wine and floating boat parts come in with every wave. A place where men and women alike can sit and enjoy a game of horseshoes or a baby seal carcass. This land is God’s country, and the mind expansion of the weekend was aided by flabongos and the stump bar. A perfect place to return to with one exception; Would someone tell that jackass to get off that god damned rope swing?!?!

FULL EXTENSION

Once in a while an idea so creative is formed that we need to take a step back and appreciate it like a work of art. Like the person who created easy cheese or pulling out, the full extension beer chug is revolutionary. Yes, it is extreme and messy, but gosh dangit does it look awesome. I salute the gentleman who created this site and I will be working extremely hard at having my visage line the halls of legends. The hall of fame is right chere!

Final Destina.....ZZZzzzz......

Final Destination 4 (Or snore as I like to call it...ohhhhh smell that burn)is coming to theaters in August and I could not be less excited. In these movies people are destined to die because they all escaped some terrible tragedy. They escape the accident because the main character has a vision the foresees the carnage. Then this person can't see into the future ever again(great idea!). Inevitably, people who survived start getting picked off in weird and, usually, complex ways. I guess that is why people go to see these movies in the first place. Well praise the sweet baby jebus that I don't have to worry about that because I already know what happens.

Sometime last night when I came out of a strong opium high I saw the trailer for this movie and am pretty sure I can pick out a few of the death scenes already.

BEWARE SPOILER ALERT

Somebody is going to get crushed to death at a 30 minute oil change place. Just trying to put some in some oil and BAM! hyrdolics go out and a car crushes them.

It looked like one girl is going to get her head stuck outside of a sunroof while in a carwash and the machines are going to rip her head off. Surprisingly, this accounts for 500 deaths each year in the US alone.

Somebody is going to be hit by an errant race car tire. Much like Maude Flanders did (R.I.P.iddly).

At some point there will be an explosion that sends shards of stuff flying to kill maybe two people. I actually think this will happen twice.

Something happens with some sort of kitchen appliance. That's the only one I didn't see but I know it will happen.

A rock is going to shoot out of a lawnmower. Those damn kids need to stop throwing rocks on people's lawns.

And my favorite. It looks as though a gentleman in the movie is going to be swimming some laps and somehow gets sucked down to the pool drain where his insides are sucked from his body through the two hole.

So there you have it. I just saved you at least ten dollars. Why not take that money and buy some flowers for your mom or favorite hooker?

Could you get any worse?

Well Wednesday, it looks like you have hit an all time low. I read that in the end of the season you have a three episode arch as a yet to be know character on Entourage. Well if you aren't anything besides Turtle's retarded brother I would be surprised. Goddungit you suck.

When are they going to release House Party 5?

I feel that the character development from the first four House Party movies didn’t give us enough time to fully understand the depth of Kid N Play. Their unique blend of comedy and fresh hip hop molded an entire generation. Not only did they teach us to throw a dope ass pajama jammy jam but they also showed us what it takes to be real with the ladies (oh Play, when will you ever learn to treat the ladies with respect like Kid!).

All I am saying is there has to someone out there who can produce this film with the same originality and honest eye that were evidenced in the first 4 films. I think that it might be time to get a petition going in order to make my dream a reality. Of course, we are first going to need to get KnP on board, but I think once we have them all the other pieces will fall into place. If not, maybe we could at least look at doing a sequel for Class Act.

All Hail Brosieden! King of the Brocean!

He rules the sea with his trident. He commands the water and the animals therein. The powerful Brosieden has conquered the Brocean. His fury sunk the titanic and created whirlpools in the Bermuda Triangle. The floor of the sea is his living room. The coral reef his commode. Brosieden is a fair god, but there are two things that one should not mess with. His waves and his babes! WAPOW!!!!

Suuuuuuuure Pal

Sometimes people make excuses for their behavior that are so outlandish you have to believe them solely based on the ridiculousness of the story. This morning I was delighted to read the story of a man who was kidnapped and forced to drink beers. From FOX News;

Utah ~ A man was kidnapped, force-fed beer and then abandoned on a Utah roadside in a possible case of mistaken identity, police say.
The victim — whose name and age were not available — was found by a passer-by walking across Legacy Highway near Centerville at about 9 a.m. Saturday, the Deseret News reported.

The man said he had been kidnapped roughly three hours earlier, according to Salt Lake Police Sgt. Dennis McGowan.

The victim, who was not seriously injured, told police he parked his car near his home when two Spanish-speaking men dragged him out into the driveway, the newspaper reported.

The story goes on to say that the kidnappers put a bag over his head, threatened him to stop selling drugs, and then made him drink two beers before throwing him out on the highway. Yeah…..I am going to go ahead and call bullshit on that. Rather I believe that this gentleman may have to instead be awarded The Greatest Mormon Excuse Ever for Drinking Award. Well played you racist bastard.

Wizard posts a classified

I found this interesting personal ad in the paper for a Wizard.

WMW seeks BBW 35-1000 who is into magic, owls, crystal balls and an*l. Looking for someone to develop a friendship with that maybe could lead to more? About me: 6’6’, 755 years old, 3 foot beard, white eyes, magical powers, gray and white hair. I am not a body builder but I am not fat either. My interests include summoning demons from the netherworld, bocce ball, casting spells, Japanese as a second language (I am also fluent in Elvish), developing potions, and collecting model ships inside of bottles. If interested, contact me and let’s see what MAGIC can happen.
P.S. I am super horny.

It's About Time!

Looks like someone out there in this great country of ours took enough time to pull their thumb out of their ass and invent something relevant. For too long we have waited for an invention like this. I am not talking about a weapon to defeat the terrorists (I say we kill them…with kindness ;) ) or some sort of deadly pathogen to kill people who want to be on reality television (game shows not included, I love me some Price is Right like a motherfugum). No, I am talking about David Burke and his spray on diet. Yes, you read that right, now say it with me. Spray. On. Diet.

I want to thank David for his ingenuity. Why? Because we are a country built on obesity (we have the gold metal winners of fatass). If these sprays could make more people eat salad and vegtables by making them taste like mangos and pesto then mission accomplished. Some might say that we need to resolve the conflict with North Korea or perhaps find a way to stop Oprah. I say that we focus on making more spray able flavor. MOTHER FUCKING SMOKED BACON SPRAY BITCH!!!

There has been an accident

I took Wednesday out on my yacht yesterday. We smoked some sweet cheeba and then had a mimosa filled brunch on our way out to the Farallon Islands. We anticipated some bird watching and maybe seeing a seal or two. After a long lull in said animal watching, Wednesday decided to take a dip in the ocean since his stomach had settled (if there is a bigger stickler to the 30 minute rule I would be surprised). Turns out that the water around these islands are filled with great whites this time of year. Whoops. Some would say I should have been more responsible with my knowledge of the waters. Seriously though, who am I supposed to be? Chuck Custeau?