Dey snakes out dere dis beeg

Yes Cube there are. In fact when I was on the set of the movie Anaconda I saw many snakes that happened to be that “beeg.” You see, I played Jon Voight playing a greasy South American boat captain and snake hunter. I had to go into makeup four three hours every day before shooting to get to look exactly like Voight. They also made me wear a sagging body suit because my perfectly sculpted physique did not match up with the weathered body of the Midnight Cowboy. Anyways, the movie was shot with real snakes. They told people at the theaters that the snakes were CGI because they didn’t want people walking into the woods and trying to hunt these things down. Believe me, these animals have gigantic teeth, massive crushing power, extremely cold skin, and a thirst for human blood. They’re a lot like Jennifer Lopez in that respect. Burn!

We need to bring him back

What happened to television shows like Alf? This was perhaps one of the most universally applauded shows ever to grace the TV screen. Where else are you going to find a protagonist that cynical who also has an unquenchable thirst for cat blood? I bet you would be hard pressed to find any other show that has a character like that. More than anything, I would like to see Alf return to TV and make my world bright again. At the same time I worry about what it would mean for Alf to return. I have no doubt that the product would not be packaged the same way it was back then. Therefore, I have decided to draw up a few plot lines that I would think could make the show relevant to a larger audience while not taking away from the cat killing humor.

The family in the show is going to be replaced by the Winslow family from Family Matters with Reginald VelJohnson continuing his role as Carl.

Harriet Winslow will now be played by a CGI robot that has an affinity for her cat breeding job. (you can already see tons of storylines there)

The family’s house is going to be on top of a small grocery store that Carl runs. Carl was fired from the police force for eating too many twinkies on the job.

No Urkel.

The next door neighbor Gomez is going to be played by Paul Rodriguez. He is good friends with Carl but has seen Alf a few times and thinks he is the Chupacabra. He is always trying to get into Carl’s house so he can capture Alf and sell him.

Alf is exactly the same. No changes.

In his free time Alf likes to solve cold case murders that Carl could never solve when he was on the force.

There is a cooking portion on the show.

This is a reality TV show.

I think that this is a good start in getting Alf back onto TV. Of course, I am welcome to hear whatever types of ideas that you may have to make Alf a more relevant TV product for today’s audience. Please help me to get this show back on the air.

He is out there...I can smell him

After the disappointment of last week’s Bigfoot debacle I have decided to pack up my bags and head into the woods to track this elusive creature down. But Burt, what makes you think that you will be able to catch the Bigfoot when so many others have failed? Well, I have a different approach than most people. I am going to throw the Bigfoot a party. I figure I will get airlifted out to a predetermined location (no I am not telling you) and bring the supplies that I think will get this party started right. And by supplies I mean a pound of mushrooms, and liter of jaegermeister, six candy bars, a Hustler, and a keg of miller high life. I also forgot to mention the boom box that I am going to bring. My plan is to eat a bunch of the mushrooms, tap the keg and then put on my super awesome Bigfoot mix tape (a mix of speed metal and Phil Collins). I figure all I have to do then is wait. Once Bigfoot gets there or I hallucinate him being there I will take photographic evidence and say the pictures are just for me. Once I have lulled him into a false sense of security BAM! Karate chop to the back of the neck and he is out. The hard part is going to be hiking him out on my back, and having to knock him out every once and a while. I don’t plan on handing him over to experts but rather letting him hang at my place for a few days to see how the other half lives. I think it will be funny to see how he reacts to sandwiches and mini malls. Then a few days later when he is adjusting to living life in this new world BAM! I knock him out and drop him right back out in the woods. Why? Because I can.

Blatant false advertising

The other day I went to the movies and was ripped off. In the hopes of not being a spoiler I wanted to let you know that in no way is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 a porno. One can be easily deceived by its poster which shows four young women touching, hugging and giggling with one another. Well, at least I was. Another thing that led me to think that this would be a highly erotic movie is that it is about “traveling pants.” I don’t know what that means but that wording coupled with the poster led me to believe that this would at least be a really good girl on girl film. Instead, I was given a movie about friendship and how growing up can affect those friendships. Boring! The whole time I was waiting for a random pizza man or plumber to come into the scene. I kept waiting for some huge dildo to be “accidently” left at the dinner table. There isn’t even nudity!!!
What I have realized since this movie is that I am not as quick as I once was. In my older age I have developed a hubris that seems to think I will always be right. Well, I have learned a valuable lesson about going to movies without checking the review. I have also learned that I need to stick to the internet for porn. I want my $8.50 back.

Uncle Hulka?

I don't have the words to describe the beauty of this. This man may very well be my long lost uncle.

You want to impress me motherfucker?...Take the wheel

Much has been made recently of Michael Phelps and his “unbelievable” dominance in the summer Olympics for which he has been rewarded with 8 Gold medals. This feat has led him to become the all time leader in gold medals for anyone that has participated in the Olympics. It is safe to say that this is an amazing accomplishment, but where do you go from here? What is the next step to continue the legend that is Phelps? For one thing I can tell you that it is not going to be in a pool. You see, he has reached the mountain top. He has proved to the world that he is the greatest. The only thing that he can do in the next Olympics is match the feat and perhaps add to his already amazing total of gold medals. Basically, he needs to find a way to stay relevant outside of the pool. That’s were one of his Olympic brethren is going to act as the model for which he must follow. Of course, I am talking about my main man Carl Lewis.
Carl Lewis was one of the most amazing athletes of all time, a force within the world of track and field. Yet, Carl was not a one trick pony. He knew that there was life after sport and he focused on finding exactly what that was. What Carl found is that he is also one of the greatest musical performers of all time. This music video is what, for me, only increased the legend that is Carl Lewis.



Now if Michael Phelps can make a video that is better than this I will anoint him god of Olympia. Until that happens I am not impressed.

IT'S FRIDAY...LETS ROCK

Pssst I have a secret

From time to time I realize that I am a bit overwhelming. If you were to base my personality entirely on this blog I think that you would tend to get a certain image of me. Yes, I am an extreme daredevil sex magician that burns with the fires of a thousand tribes while I set forth to conquer every challenge I face on this earth. But that isn’t the only thing that is me. You would find out there is a lot more to me if you dig a little deeper. There is another side to me that I don’t think people would expect, a softer side. With that in mind I thought I would share some things that you may have never expected from big ole bad Burt;

I cry once a year at the winter solstice to let out all of the sad juice in my body

My favorite Golden Girl is Blanche

I was a backup dancer for Dirty Dancing

I collect doilies

I have an extensive record collection of soft jazz

My biggest pet peeve is grocery carts with broken wheels

And………

I LOVE PUPPIES

I am going to go fishing...for Megaladon

The weather has been getting a little nicer lately in my area. I also have been looking to the skies and noticed that most of the bird population has been heading inland. This can only mean one thing. There is a Megaladon off the coast and I must hunt it. If you are not familiar with the megaladon here is a brief description from wikipedia;

The megalodon (pronounced /ˡmɛ.gə.ləˌdɒn/ or MEG-a-la-don; meaning "big tooth" or in Greek as μέγας 'οδόντος) was a giant shark that lived in prehistoric times, between about 18 million to 1.5 million years agoa[›] and was the apex predator of its time. It is the largest carnivorous fish known to have existed,[1] and quite possibly the largest shark to have ever lived. It is believed that the average size of the megalodon was between 12 metres (39 ft) and 18 metres (59 ft). This species is a member of the Lamnidae family but its classification is in dispute …..

Blah Blah Blah more science talk. Basically, this animal is a great white shark the size of a school bus. The entry goes on to say that people think that these animals may still exist in certain waters. Well they do. What do you think happened to all those people in the Burmuda triangle? Yeah, it was Megaladons. So this week I have decided to head out to the “triangle” as I like to call it and try and catch me a biggun. For this journey I am going to need a few things;

Bottle of whiskey
Row Boat
Cuban cigars
Side of beef
Bowie knife
Nose plugs
Hello Kitty Backpack
Floss
The easiest way to hunt the beast is to get out into the middle of the “triangle” and drop the meat overboard. The next step is to drink all of the whiskey. Believe me, you do not want to do this sober. Once the beast is in your sites you must entice it by dancing in the boat naked with the Hello Kitty backpack on. For some reason the mix of the colors and nudity pisses these things right off. As the monster approaches from the deep you need to make sure that your timing is on because you have to make sure that it eats you whole. I miss calculated one time and one of them got a good piece of my heel. Once inside the animal just cut your way out with the knife. Its pretty straight forward but the hard part is after that. Most of the time the row boat is going to be destroyed so you have to make a boat out of the animal carcass, which usually smells like four types of shit. However, upon arrival home after battling the seas and hungry sea birds you are going to have a good amount of meat and a pretty satisfied feeling.

If she can do it, I can do it

Recently, I have noticed that Jessica Simpson has decided to direct her career into that of a country singer. After her TV show was finished her father (pimp) decided that the next big move would be for her to focus on being in feature films. Since these films were not porn, and the fact that she can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag this idea failed miserably. That’s when dear old dad figured that it was time to move in another direction. His first plan was to put her into the arms of Tony Romo and hope that the exposure of her dating a famous football star in Texas would lead into his next master plan, to become the next great country star. I have to admit that I think this is an excellent idea, because any retard can make a country album. That is why I have decided to become a country star myself.

The first step in becoming a country singer is to select the type of star that you want to be. Many of the popular options include blatant racist, super American pride, good time party boy, big titted songstress (see Jessica), sad old farmer, and metro sexual cowboy. This decision is a tough one because most of the song content has to be derived from the image you choose. You can’t sing about loving your fourth wife tender and then go transition into a song about how Mexicans are worse than Al Qaeda. That would be stretching yourself way too thin. In order to be a success you need to pick an image and commit to it. Right now I am not to sure what type of country singer that I want to be. I would really appreciate your help in letting me know what you think would be the best choice for myself. At this time I am currently leaning towards super American pride country singer with my first album tentatively titled “If you don’t like speaking English you can get the fuck out.” I am open to suggestions though.

My god damned fucking arm

Shit it hurts. I have no fucking clue but for some reason it feels like my arm is in a state or permanent sleep. The second it feels like the pain is going away it shoots right back into my elbow and reminds me, even in my old age, that I am not invincible. I am not reffering to that movie that stared Mak Walbag. I am talking about walking through walls superman type invincible. I have compiled a short list of possible reasons that my arm feels this way. One of these has to be the reason for my pain;

Masturbating

Pulling the anchor for a crab fishing boat up with my bare hands in a field of ice during king crab season

I have recently had a stroke on the right side of my body and I am simply just toughing it out so that others don’t see any sign of weakness

I slept on it wrong

Masturbating

Playing tug of war against a gorilla

Throwing a football three hundred yards

The experimental procedure to see if I could possibly get a machine gun arm

Illegal immigrants

Giving myself HJ’s (Also see Masturbating)

Being a night club deejay

Holding up those 32 ounce beers at the concert this weekend

All of those are logical conclusions but in the end I think I might not go with any of them. I think that the real reason that my arm hurts so much is that I had to drink some Cheladas this weekend. It surely is the devils brew. I hate you Conor.

New career move

I had some free time yesterday in between my work as a taxidermist and my work as a male dancer to sit down and catch a little bit of television. Usually, I will hit the same channels and yesterday was no exception. I turned on ESPN to see if I could get highlights of the women’s curling championship in Hounds Bay, Nova Scotia. Instead, I was blessed with a show chronicling the misadventures of the And 1 basketball team. If you haven’t seen this show it is about playground basketball players who play a loosely governed form of basketball that favors style over rules and favors showmanship over teamwork. This game is perfect for me. The best part about it is that you can join the team and travel with them if you are the best player to play against them when they roll through your town. I have already begun my training, and in order to be on the And 1 team you are going to have to meet certain requirements;

Cool Nickname: This perhaps being the most paramount of all requirements. Whether it’s Escalade, Hot Sauce or the PRROOOOOOFEEESAR, you need to have a name that jumps out at the crowd, because lord knows that the guy on the bullhorn that announces the game wants a cool name to say. I have decided that my street ball name is Wet Panties.

Style: Another important concept is the style on and off the court. The players on the team are constantly getting new jerseys and sweat bands. Could I be crazy and wear two head bands at the same time? What about fraying my undershirt to make it look like one of those old leather jackets with tassels? I think that I will wait until I make the team to make that decision. I don’t want to jump on somebody else’s style.

Game: Finally, you have to be able to put your money were your mouth is. In order to stand out you need to have a move that makes the crowd go crazy. Moves that seem to get the most attention are dribbling through people’s legs, dunking the ball and incredible passing. Since I can’t do any of those things I am going to go with the half court bounce shot as my go to move. It isn’t necessarily going to “clown” anybody but I feel that it is my safest bet to make the team.

I am going to focus on these three things until the And 1 bus rolls back around my hood. In the meantime I will continue to stuff animals and strip but I don’t know how much longer I can take women taking advantage of my body.

For my next trick...

As many of you know I am a new age renaissance man. I have applied myself in the many pleasures of life albeit that they tend to be more on the extreme side. If you have forgotten here are a few of my more dubious achievements;

First man to Hang Glide in space

Bungee Jumped at the top of the Himalayas’ without oxygen

Beat up the entire South Central Bloods using only an aquasock and my bare hands

Surfed Mavericks on a Taco Bell tray

Went against Dear Abby’s advice and decided not to apologize to the parents of the child that I told Santa and the Easter bunny had been killed by a guerilla fighting force from Canada

Visited New Jersey and never said “ova here” or “OH!!!”

Put pop rocks in my ears and then got a wet willy

Watched Oprah for a day straight

All of these accomplishments are a testament to the remarkable courage and dedication that I have to accepting the extreme challenges this world can offer us. This leads me to my most extreme challenge to date, to have sex with Amy Winehouse.




It poses a few problems right off the bat. First, how is it that you are going to get her attention? Well, I figure I will just dress up as a gigantic crack rock or perhaps a shiny new hypodermic needle. Once I have her lured in to me I will simply put on my home made cologne made specifically for her. The cologne is called Hot Butt and features smell notes of cigarettes, box wine, cigars, feces and peppermint. This will no doubt lead to some sort of sexual contact. By my calculations I will need 16 condoms, protective goggles and a full wetsuit for one thrust. If I follow these precautions to the T, I believe that I will make it out alive and with the title of most extreme person ever.

Burt 1 - Scientology 0

It has taken some time but I have come to the decision that I need to come up with my own religion. In our world today there are so many options in which one can put their faith in. We have groups like Kabbalah and Opus Dei that are offshoots of mainstream religions. There are non denominational religions that focus on a multitude of different things as God, and of course there is Scientology (knuckleheads). What I have learned from Scientology is that you can basically make up your own religion and if you are crazy enough and committed to it people will follow you. Well I happen to be crazy, almost insane, and I think that I have just enough time between skeeball league and thong pulls to commit to this religion and increasing its congregation. I have decided to name the new religion Burtholiscm or Burtenomics. Here are a few of the more recently established tenements of the new religion;

Our god is named Mr. Stupendous and he is made of diamonds and can shoot lazers from his eyes. He lives in outer space with his wife, Donna Stupendous, and their 3,800 celestial children. He also shits stars and orgasms black holes.

You are more than welcome to eat meat on Fridays. The only thing you can’t eat is pussy. I am referring to both the genital and animal.

Once a week our congregants must take a bowel movement standing up. In our bible, the Super Awesome Book of Power, Sex and Mad Libs, this process is referred to as “the process.”

There will be no masturbating, I repeat NO masturbating, between the one hour that Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune are running on you local cable access. You don’t have to watch the shows, but you can’t masturbate. Also, if you don’t have a TV just take an hour out of your day not to do it.

There will be no false gods. That includes Lebron James, Dom Delouise, Alex Trebek or myself.

Each year on December 26 we remember the birth of Mr. Stupendous by taking a naked hot tub and re-gifting birthday presents to our loved ones.

There is no marriage in our religion. You are only asked to hold hand with your life partner through the entire American Gladiators course. If you can accomplish that feat you are deemed “best buds” and are allowed to have sex in public.

Jean Claude Van Damme is our current pope and he talks to Mr. Stupendous through Penepathy (telepathy of the penis).

Every Monday is a religious holiday. The only problem is that we haven’t come up with a name for each holiday on the calendar. I am sure we will run into problem with all these non believers and their five day work week, but we shall press on.

That is pretty much all that I have at this time, but I am more than willing to take suggestions on what it is that you would like this religion to base its faith in. Besides I...I mean MR. Stupendous has not released his commandments.

I get my new Zubaz in the mail today

It is a magical day in the Destruction household for today is the day when my families’ Zubaz arrive. If I could describe today I would say that it is if someone had taken Kwanza, Christmas and Hanukah and wrapped them into one gigantic super holiday. That is how good I feel about these pants. And why not? Look at the beauty, the craftsmanship. You have to be careful walking down the street wearing these things because more than likely someone is going to try and rape you. I am not one to worry about such trivial things so I will be wearing these constantly. I won’t be just wearing them. I will be making them look good too. Dare I say better than a young Dan Marino.

I do dare, and I don’t even have the benefit of isotoners. Fuck you Dan and your non super bowl winning ass.

Coming back to work sucks

I took a long weekend and now getting back to work has been pretty hard. I don’t know if you have heard of these things called rum runners but holy shit are they a kick in the pants. When I got to the bar on Friday I was told if I had a tab that was over twenty five dollars that my parking would be validated. Shrewd move on there part, but the problem is that I don’t eat food unless I have killed it with my bare hands or ripped it from the earth myself. Do you have a hard on after hearing that? I do. Anyways, due to my position on food I was left to a strictly liquid diet. Therefore, I would like to give you a drink by drink examination of getting my parking validated.

Drink one – Oh this tastes good. It’s like an adult slurpee, and would you look at all the rum that they put on top for you. A little umbrella too!! I think I may have to try another one of these.

Drink two – Holy shit my brain hurts. Do they put ice from Antarctica in these things? I mean my head seriously hurts right now. I should probably have one more just to make sure that it is not the drink that is giving me this splitting headache.

Drink three – No longer have any pain in my head. Obviously it wasn’t the drink that was making me feel that way. Although I am now noticing that people are starting to make sure I don’t fall over on them. Can’t they see that I am just dancing to the oldies cover band?

Drink four – I just had a conversation with one of the security personnel. I don’t know what the word 86’d means, but he said it quite a few time. I have never seen someone’s face turn that shade of burgundy when they are talking to you but I don’t think they are happy.

Drink five – Good news, I just got my parking validated. Bad news, I pissed myself and that guy is walking over this way to talk with me again. His face is now crimson.

Drink six – I had to take this one in the bathroom because a bunch of these jerks keep trying to talk to me about something or other. I bet they just want to have a sip of my drink. Guess what? They aren’t getting none of it. Nones I tell you.

Drink seven – whas the problem ya jerk. I only hads twose of those…..how come my parking valimated zen? I donut know. Maybe this was yur plan all along assface.

I am not sure how the rest of the evening turned out but I stayed in a lovely little 6X6 room. It didn’t have cable but at least when I got to my car the next morning my parking had been taken care of. Now the only thing I have to worry about are the lawsuits.

What's up bud

Hey bud. Yeah, whats up bud? How you doing bud? Yeah I just wanted to check in and see how things were going with getting those St. Mary’s tickets bud. It is a really great deal. Right now there’s like six of us Bud. Yeah all the dudes are going to be going. So can I lock you in as one of the six bud? Awesome. Yeah I think I am going to go play some tennis after work today bud. My dad and I are going to play a little tennis and then going to head over to the greek theatre to catch a show bud. I have to go to the bathroom now bud. Yeah I am gonna stand up in the stall with my baby dick in my hands as always bud. I wore the sandals to work again bud. So I don’t want to stand in pee bud. Can't do that to the flops bud.

We need to formulate a plan

Obviously we have fallen into a slump in regards to the programming that is on TV these days. Case in point would be the Hills and the “stars” of the show. It just boggles my mind that shows like A-Team and Macguyver are no longer on TV while these people are getting interviewed on Letterman and getting paid money to show up at places. Just to show up at places! I could do that. Shit, I could do that naked if you paid me enough, and by enough I mean dinner and free drinks. The problem is that I have come to realize that this show or the fame of these retarded spoiled children is not going to go away any time soon. That is why it is time to formulate a plan. Here are some of the ideas that I have been pushing around the home office.

Kill all of them

Yeah that’s it. I think that for the longest time I was really over thinking how to put an end to this. I mean there are so many other ways that this show could begin to decline in ratings and grow old and stale, but I can’t wait that long. This needs to end now. I don’t care how it’s done. If it takes me using all of my money to hire a group of Ninjas assassins, then that’s what needs to be done. Also, it is smart to note that we need to include the producers and people involved in the writing for the show to be killed too. This isn’t one of those situations were you cut the head off and the body dies. If you cut the head off the body would still have a bunch of no talent ass clowns coming out with clothing lines and horrible music. Basically, I want to get my hands on a very small nuclear weapon and try to detonate it at the next premier for the show. Now if I only hadn’t burned all those bridges with the government earlier in my life. In fairness I had no idea that illegal plutonium sales were frowned upon.

I went to the thong pull this weekend

The fourth of July weekend is not complete unless you can get to an event that really showcases the greatness of America. Unfortunately, the monster truck rally was two towns over and I was too drunk to drive, plus Skeeter said his old lady wasn’t going to drive us “nowhere” because she smoked up all their meth. Therefore, I had to settle with going to the annual thong pulling competition held in the town square. It is nice to be able to drink a bottle of Everclear and be the most sober person at the event. I definitely got there at the right time because they were just starting to weigh in the contestants and check their thongs for tampering. After grabbing a complimentary beer koozie and a seat I readied myself for some good old fashioned competition. If you have never had a chance to attend one of these events before it works this way;

Three females (can be post op) are put into the middle of the town square wearing only their sturdiest thong and classiest White Snake, Ratt, or Cinderella belly t shirt. Before the competition begins and everyone has turned off their hogs (that means both motorcycles and penises) each female contestant is given a rock of Meth, a flask of rum, and 5 twelve packs of whatever beer the Walmart had thrown out for going bad. The contestants are then moved to the starting line and each given a sled. The course is 100 yards long and is mostly flat minus the spectators that have passed out or died on it. Everyone in the crowd is allowed to bring rotten fruit to throw at the contestants, or to eat. At the blast of the Mayor’s shotgun the race will begin, as well as the strategy.

Each contestant must first smoke all of their meth and drink their flask of Rum before going past the starting line. This usually poses no problems as most contestants are weathered women of the night. This concoction is like Whore Gatorade. With the five twelve packs of beer on their sleds it is up to the contestants to decide if they want to lighten their load by drinking the beer off of their sled. If you have never pulled a bunch of beers on a sled using only a thong then you need to understand that a good portion of beers need to be drank so that the thong doesn’t break. Did I mention that if the thong breaks the first man to touch her is given a free hour of alone time with the contestant? Well, that’s what happens. Basically, the contestants usually have to drink most of there twelve packs before they can really start pulling that sled. That is if they are still breathing. In the end the woman to cross the finish line first wins a live chicken, two cartons of Menthols, and a new thong for next years competition. That’s because the winner gets invited to compete in next year’s contest, if they are still alive.

This year’s winner was Becky Joe Tate with a new record time of three hours and thirteen minutes. She outlasted two very worthy contestants to earn her first victory. I think she also turned a few heads and may have some new gentleman suitors that are trying to catch her eye, all in all a wonderful day for Becky Joe, America, and most importantly myself. Although, I still wish I could have made it to the monster truck jam.

Somebody better write Snow Dogs 2

I am a huge fan of movies. I don’t know if you knew that, but now that you do listen to what I am saying. There needs to be a sequel to Snow Dogs, and Cuba Gooding Jr. needs to be attached to star. All I know is that this movie is a sure hit. I will gladly tell you my idea but first a synopsis of the first film;

When Miami dentist Ted Brooks (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) learns that his birth mother has passed away and that he was named in her will, he travels to Alaska to claim his inheritance. Rather than the large chunk of change that many people would expect, Ted instead receives his mother's pack of rowdy sled dogs and her property. Although the dogs seemingly have it in for Ted, he decides to keep the dogs and race them in the local race, the Arctic Challenge, spiting a mountain man (played by James Coburn) who wants the dogs. What follows is a comedy detailing Ted's adventures in learning to run the sled dogs.

If you aren’t already on the way to the video store to catch up on the first one I am very confused. How could you not love this movie idea? A dentist from Miami, in Alaska? Genius! How is he possibly going to be able to survive in that type of situation? Well without trying to ruin the movie he does just fine and learns some valuable lessons on the way, albeit hilariously.

I think that the problem right now is that there is no starting point for the second movie. This is where I come in. My idea is as solid as a rock. Here is my pitch;

The second movie is going to find Cuba and the Snow Dogs transplanted back in Miami. This time it’s the dogs that are going to be out of their environment. Oh BOY! Of course, the first twenty or thirty minutes will be about the dogs getting assimilated to living on Cuba’s turf and dealing with the beach and ocean. One day when they are down at the beach they notice a flyer for dog Olympics, and because Cuba wants to show off how awesome his dogs are to his cute next door neighbor with the dauschound, they enter the contest. We will have to have a villain and if we could I would like to get Martin Short. I figure he could do a vaguely gay/European accent and have a troop of super agile poodles. Can you imagine how funny that would be? Anyways, a few montages mixed with an awkward date and we have enough filler to get to the finals of the competition where the snow dogs dig deep and win the dog Olympics. After that I guess we could have Cuba marry his neighbor with all the dogs in attendance in tuxedos. That doesn’t really matter because I am open to ideas. There is only one thing that I am adamant about and that is the title. The only name for this movie is Snow Dogs 2: Life’s a Beach.