Burt and the Beanstalk

Last night the American public was treated to round two of Obama vs. McCain. I only caught the first segment of the debate where the topic was, unsurprisingly, the economy. It is the hot topic on everyone’s mind these days and it was inevitable that it would be a point of focus. My problem with these debates is the constant rhetoric from both sides trying to distance themselves from the crisis and explaining how they wouldn’t have let this happen under “their plans.” Well obviously that is what they are going to say. It’s not like they are going to approve of the current situation. I just think that if the question was posed to me I would have a new take on it. Therefore, I would like to pose the question to myself.

“Mr. Destruction, given the current state of the economy and our recent plan to help stimulate it what is your plan to help right the ship that is our economy?”

Well Tom, first I would like to say thank you to the American people and these jackasses here in the town hall meeting. Seriously though, I think I may have a plan that isn’t very conventional but a solid one nonetheless. Do you remember that story about Jack and the magic beanstalk? Well, I have a feeling that it may actually be based on fact. That’s why the first part of my plan would center on finding these “magic beans,” wherever they may be. Once we have the beans we can plant and water them until we have a beanstalk that grows into the clouds. From there I would send in a crack recovery unit to invade the giant’s castle in the sky and try to steal some of the giant’s gold. We would have to be a lot quicker and quieter than young Jack was. I think that if we can get a good amount of the giant’s gold and escape undetected this might just be the thing to get our economy back in shape. I say that because Giant gold is ten times the size of regular gold and probably worth more. I base that on no facts at all. Also, we are going to have to cut the beanstalk down once they return so that the giant doesn’t come down to take back his gold. Can you say expanded job market? Shit, we are going to need a ton of Americans to cut that sucker down and then get rid of the waste from the beanstalk. If that isn’t a plan to stimulate and invigorate this economy I don’t know what is. [Throw mic down on the ground, flex a few times, and make gesture with hands to show penis size.]

I think that this argument would compel many Americans to vote for me based on my outside the box thinking and overall sexiness. I would also smile a lot and make eye contact.

My brain hurt

If you didn’t know HSM3 is coming out pretty soon. If you didn’t know that, you probably also didn’t know that HSM3 is High School Musical 3, Disney’s extremely successful movie series. I have happened to catch a few of the previews on TV and I have to tell you I am extremely confused as to what this movie is about. Now what I am about to say may surprise you, but I have yet to catch either HSM or HSM2. Obviously, this is a movie with a lot of singing and dancing, but what else is it about? Well if I was to explain it simply based on the trailers I have seen, here are a few predictions that I have for this movie;

The one girl with the big nose is a real jerk and she wants the spotlight to be on her. She will eventually learn the lesson of being a team player and in the end have an emotional breakthrough with the group. Emotional breakthrough = gangbang.

At some point a basketball game will be interrupted by an impromptu dance routine. The dancing will help the team to focus and they will win the game. They will most likely be playing a school for the deaf and blind.

For some reason something will happen between the male and female leads that makes them question their relationship. I expect it’s probably because they are seniors in high school and they haven’t bumped uglies yet.

The black guy will have a really cool catch phrase.

The unpopular kids at school will have a crazy liquor fueled sex party. There will be no singing or dancing at this party, because popular people don’t do that kind of stuff.

At some point there is going to have to be some sort of final dance where they all sing together before deciding which one of the non believers must be sacrificed to appease the God Zuel. It’s a metaphor for going off to college.

I know the basketball scene is kind of a stretch, but I am just going off of what the commercials show me.

Somebody's going shopping

I have to admit. I have been down in the dumps recently. It feels like the world is caving in around me and that I am struggling just to keep my head above water. You see, I am going bald, in my pubes. It is terribly embarrassing. You think about it all day and night. It makes you think twice about taking your clothes off in order to make love to a sweet lady. I haven’t had sex with the lights on in months. This is never what I would have expected to feel like when I started to lose hair around little Burt. Close friends would recommend that I throw caution to the wind and shave it all off. Yet, I just can’t do that. It feels like I would be denying myself my manliness. The hair down there is just as important as the silken locks on the top of my head (which look great BTW). Now a new hope burns inside of me, I am going to purchase a merkin;

Merkin – Imitation pubic hair. A pubic wig.

That’s right! I’m back. It’s a whole new world for me. I feel like my confidence is going to be back. That old swagger is going to return. Along with the lights when I make sexuals raaaarrrrrrr. The biggest decision that I have to make now is the style of my merkin. Should I go with the low key brown curly wig or should I try that multicolor emo look. I might even buy a bunch of different ones to mix it up. I am open to suggestions and would love to hear what kind of merkin you think I should get.

Happy Birthday Count Assula

Well he has been back in the city for a while spreading his joy and good cheer to many. He has helped the disadvantaged and once again gained a strong foothold in the city by the bay. Kudos to you Count Assula! Why don’t you take a day off and enjoy your special day? I am not saying that this gives you carte blanches to do whatever that perverted mind of yours wants, you already have that. Go out and get in a knife fight, drink a quart of whiskey, pee yourself in a fancy restaurant, and make sure that you are in bed by a reasonable time.

God Speed you Crazy Sex Beast.

Nice try Rocketman

Yves Rossy is some swiss dude that gets thrown out of planes with a backpack on that looks like he has wings. With these wings he can increase his time spent in the air and his ability to cover great distances in a short amount of time. This past week he was able to cross the English Channel with his special wings. I really don’t know how I feel about this accomplishment. The amazing thing is that this man is flying, which is tremendous. The boring thing is that his wings aren’t real and the person flying isn’t me. I am not saying that I don’t respect what he is doing. This type of thing reeks of adventure and I bet chicks totally dig it. I am just saying that maybe we should all hold off on giving him handjobs until he does it with naturally grown human wings. Now that would be impressive. I am currently working on growing mine right now.

Confidence

I found this photo today on Afrojacks.com. I don't know who this young gentleman is or what he does with his life but I want to meet him. Why? I will tell you why. That young man has confidence. Look at his face. That is a face that says I will drink from your tears of jealousy. A face that cries out I am all that is man. This kind of confident fellow is exactly the kind of person that all young people should model themselves after. He could take you one on one in basketball and then impress you with his impeccable manners at a five star restaurant. This child has IT. I think he may be my son.

Dancing with the Stars made a huge mistake

I was watching TV last night in my underground fortress when I noticed that a new season of Dancing with the Stars is on. It surprised me because I had not been asked to be on the show yet. I figured by now they had gotten to my status of celebrity which is no status. I mean Kim Kardashian is on the show and she is famous for letting someone piss on her. Now I am not saying that I would let someone piss on me to be on DWTS but I would hope that some of the other things I have done in life would get me on that stage. But Burt, why would you care about being on DWTS when you have done so many other awesome things and chicks in you lifetime? I know that this question was inevitable but I will tell you why. I think I can win this thing.
Very few people know that I was once a three time Salsa dance champion. I used to teach salsa and perform in annual tournaments around the country. I have a natural gift for dance. It is as though god made me a vessel to deliver the sexiest moves this earth or any earth (except for middle earth) has ever seen. The one thing that does worry me is that this is not just a Salsa competition, there are many different types of dancing moves that I will need to master. I am not worried though. If that hyperventilating piglet Marie Osmand can do the rumba then anything is possible. Besides, the real way to win this thing is to wear tighter pants than all the other contestants and to dance with a semi. The only people that call in and vote for this show are gay men and women over the age of 65. This thing is in the bag.

So what?

Josh Howard doesn’t like the national anthem, so the fuck what? I myself don’t mind taking off my hat before a game and listening to the song. I have done it for years and never have been bothered by the need for it to be played before many events in our culture. At the same time I don’t care if some other guy doesn’t like the song. He, much more than myself, might have a better reason for not feeling that the anthem is something he can get behind. It is not Hip Hop enough. The SBB could use a fresh remix. That is the reason that I think Josh has such a problem with it. Well, that and the whole slavery thing.

Shame on you Tony

Tony Kornheiser has once again put himself in the spotlight by being “controversial” with some of the comments that he made on Monday night football. It seems that this is what we can expect from Tony these days because that is how he has gained national recognition and that is how he is going to stay in the public eye. It’s part of his image and what ESPN hired him for. I am not going to sit here and ask Tony to put himself in the shoes of another person and think how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Instead, I am going to continue to ignore his rants and try to come up with a solution to cover that gigantic solar panel on his head. Here are some of my thoughts;

Borrow some hair from John Madden.

Try the risky surgery of removing hair from his beard/ass and have it glued to his head.

CGI hair (I think ESPN could afford it).

Shave the rest of his hair off and try to go with the Mr. Clean look.

Wear a new hat every week. Next week should be a sombrero.

Those are pretty lame suggestions. I am just trying to get a dialog going and since my skills in Photoshop are limited to MS paint I would love to see if anyone could put together a picture of what you think Tony could do to stop blinding us. My attempt is below.

Eagle Eye did it

My good friend Doug recently brought up the new Shia Lebouf movie that is soon to hit the theatres. Although it is not completely clear I believe that Eagle Eye is some sort of government entity that has access to any and all people and networks. Well the thing is that this Eagle Eye concept is real. Trust me I have spent enough time within the inner sanctums of our government to know that we have something like this and most of the time it is calling the shots. I have compiled a list of some of the things that Eagle Eye is responsible for and I thought that I would share it with you.

Eagle Eye told OJ to go steal his memorabilia from the vegas hotel room.

Eagle Eye is the reason that the Eagles split up and then got back together again.

Eagle Eye saw me watching porn this morning.

Eagle Eye sent those dirty pictures of you to all your friends email with the handcrafted note to each person that would make it seem like you are propositioning them for sex, which is pretty believable.

Eagle Eye is responsible for the peanut butter and jelly combo jar at the supermarket.

Eagle Eye is the one who destroyed your bathroom last weekend after eating all that BBQ food and then wouldn’t admit to it.

Eagle Eye used to be Edward James Olmos.

Eagle Eye is responsible for every major war and the new KFC snacker bowl.

Eagle Eye was the person that called you for like a week straight and just kept hanging up.

Eagle Eye is really being watched and controlled by Red Eye which is a giant butt hole in space.

What has Eagle Eye done to you?

Richard Wright

Yesterday was marked by the unfortunate passing of Richard Wright, a founding member of Pink Floyd. On their website the band states that Richard had passed away due to a short bout with cancer. Although it is very sad news I almost find it puzzling that a disease like cancer could take out a man who probably has done a thousand things more life threatening to himself during his time on earth. It’s almost like hearing Keith Richards passed away due to old age. It almost feels like we are being cheated. That maybe a more fitting way to go would be riding a hot air balloon into outer space or being devoured by a pride of lions while on a bad acid trip. Anyways, thanks for the tunes.

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

Man oh man do I hate Fridays sometimes. Although people are generally happier because the weekend is here it isn’t always the easiest day to get through. Sometimes when I work on Friday’s I often wonder what it would be like if everybody got up and started rioting.

I have been to prison many times in my life and I feel like I have gotten to experience a few really good riots. Besides the occasional knife fight in the shower and making wine in your toilet, riots really are what make prison life bearable. It gives you a chance to get creative and get some of that aggression out. When else are you going to have that much time to make a really fancy shank or cut that guy’s stomach up whose really been asking for it? After you have sealed off the entrances with barricades you tend to focus on those things a lot. I mean the only real bummer about a prison riot, a good prison riot, is when the guards come back armed with tear gas and non-lethal weaponry, but I digress. Now that I have been out of prison for a while I have missed that visceral experience.

Why can’t we have a riot here in our corporate office? I could see how this would go down. Someone from Human Resources explains that we are going to be downsizing and that there will be significant pay cuts. At the company meeting to make this announcement someone will inevitably tackle the CEO and take them hostage. There isn’t enough security to take on a rabid workforce of underpaid people so they will have to retreat and negotiate later. Meanwhile, a couple more of the higher ups have been held hostage with the CEO in that one cramped meeting room that smells like someone spilt coffee in it. The next step would be to fashion weapons and I think that the supply closet would be of great benefit for making that extra special weapon. I think if it were up to me I would try to make stapler nunchucks. Now all that is left to do is block the entrances and ration the food from the vending machines. Inevitably, there is going to be a power struggle and the cops are eventually going to get brought in. All riots come to an end sooner or later but I think that with the right type of planning and positive attitude it could last for well over a week. Any thoughts on how to maintain an office riot?

Yes he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell

My interview with Richard Grieco

1) Richard Grieco, you were considered a sex symbol of the 80's. What is it about you that women find attractive?
That's a very good question to ask. Oh hold on one second. (speaking offline) Mom can I get that splenda or what!???!?!?! (comes back on line) Sorry I was just making sure that my assistant had a splenda for me before I do this interview. The Greekster always needs a splenda to do his interviews. Anyhoo where were we? Ahh yes. The attraction that the ladies have for me. First off I would like to question the logic of your question. I think I heard you say that I used to be a sex symbol. There is your first problem. I am STILL a sex symbol. Always have been, always will be. Now that is cleared up lets talk about what has kept me there for so long. In no particular order the top five traits that got the greekster were he is today are the brows, the hair, the tan, the hair, and the greico stare. If you are not familiar with the G Stare…I have that patented by the way…it is when I tilt my head down to a 45 degree angle and look at the camera from the left side of my face with my eyes slightly looking downward. Its an immediate way to get the girls vajay into the Greicoshpere.
2) Richard Grieco, what movie and or actor inspired you to follow a career in the arts?
Who inspired me? Wow that is a tough one. I mean so much has been just myself and the brows. You know? If I had to pick someone though I would probably go with Scott Baio. I took his formula for the craft and then added a little bit more sex appeal to the roles I played in. I think that if I had been born a decade earlier I would have been Charles in Charge. Cristian Slater also was a huge impact. He has a similar move to the G stare he likes to call the slater scowl. Its pretty much the same thing I do but without as cool of a name. Finally, I would have to say a lot of my inspiration came from Ghandi. I mean he is all about peoples rights and stuff, and he is all about peace. And believe me Richard Fucking Greico is all about getting a peace too.
3) In 1989 21 Jump St. was at the height of it's commercial fame and you and Johnny Depp had emerged as breakout stars. The next year he did Edward Scissorhands and You Did if Looks Could Kill. Explain.
What drove me towards the role of novice high school traveler turned super spy Michael Corben was the simplicity of the role and the fringe benefits. I was offered the role of faggy dildohands but I found out that I would have to wear a bunch of makeup, and the greekster never wears makeup…except for a little toner and base from time to time. Anyways, the producers said I could have carte blanche over the script and all the coke I could handle. Besides it was a free trip to Canada and that hot chick from scent of a woman was my costar. Also, they let me keep the Ferrari that I drove during the movie, and the trunk was filled with coke.
4) How did you loose you virginity?
I lost my virginity like most young men do. I lost it in front of a producer from Hollywood who was filming it for his private archives. It was with the producers wife so that made the whole situation a lot more relaxed. You would think that an 8 year old would have a tough time having sex on camera, but I thought that his wife did a great job. In retrospect that video was probably not the greatest thing for my career. I feel like if I didn't have that hanging over my head I would have been the star of all these lampoon movies that are all the rage in Hollywood. Man I would have been the shit in disaster movie.
5) Can you give us a brief run through of a typical day in Grieco's world?
Typical day for the greekster is as follows. After I wake up in the morning I usually take the gun out of my mouth and head down to the kitchen for a little breakfast made by my personal chef. I usually then start going through my voicemails and messages from producers about what kind of things I have in the pipeline. That's the craziest thing about being RG. One day you may be the new face of Alpo canned cat food and the next you may be holding a sign on Hollywood BLVD for a mattress sale for a character study that you are working on for a mattress commercial. Usually my days are pretty booked up until the early evening but then it's a little me time. I try to hit up a hot spot or two to make sure that the ladies know that the Gman is still out there pounding the pavement for Puss. I usually don't go in the clubs but I think we all know that the vibe has been put out. I usually get my assistant to pick me up down the street from where I was putting out the vibe. Then when I get home I like to go to my room and watch some of my past work Last night I watched Point Doom. By the lack of response I am sure you have seen it and are spellbound by my awesomeness in that movie. After the movie and a late night HJ session I put on my face mask and hit the sack.
6) Richard, If your looks could kill, who would be the first victim?
That's a simple question. Anyone in blast radius. If I could see you my looks wouldn't just kill you. They'd explode you. I would have to go out with a mask over my face if looks could kill. I would be labled a terrorist threat if looks could kill. It would go North Korea, al Quada, and Greico not paticularily in that order. Fuck that was a stupid question. Got any more brain busters?
7) Here at 5thyear.com we love hearing good drinking stories, can you tell us about a good bender with another celebrity?
One time during the nineties I am with Depp at poison show and we have just gotten back stage. 21 jump street had just ended its run and we wanted to blow off a little steam before our new movies came out. The perfect place to be was the poison concert because of the class of ass and the fact that we didn't have to pay for tickets. Anyways, we are sitting in the front row until brett Michaels invites us back stage for drinks and blowjobs. Michaels is making cocktails with whiskey robistusin and speed and there is a bunch of hot tail everywhere. I drank about four of those and blacked out. I woke up in 2006 on my moms couch and no clue how I could have made so many shitty movies while in a cocktail induced coma. But I am clean now and I am really looking forward to staring producing and directing If looks could kill MORE. We are filming in Turkey.

The Golden Asshole Award

It’s Friday and I am bored so I thought I would try to spark an intellectual debate. Now for those of you who didn’t know, from time to time I can be a real asshole. That’s why I have decided to have this discussion in order to determine the winner of the Golden Asshole, an award that can have many winners, I assure you. The Golden Asshole is the award for who you personally think is this week’s biggest asshole. It can be any person you want but please try to give a little explanation for your choice. My nomination is for Tony Danza because he could have stayed on Who’s the Boss? but thought he was better than the show, thereby ruining one of the most in depth character driven shows on television. Will that Mona ever stop being so raunchy? I guess we will never know. Thanks a whole fuck load Tony.

Where the FUCK is Steve Sanders?

Disgusted. Appalled. Hurt. Peeved. Constipated. Those are just a few of the words that I would use to describe my feelings last night about the premier of the new Beverly Hills 90210. Now I am a pretty savvy person when it comes to media news and I was well aware that the new 90210 would return a few people from the first show. I know that Ian Zeiring was not mentioned in any of the press releases for the show but I still had faith that he would be the surprise guest star. Nope. The Z-man was no where to be seen. What the fuck is wrong with you people? How hard is it to write Steve Sanders into this show? It would not be hard at all and I will tell you why.

Steve Sanders was a total loser. He was the running joke on that show. I know you may ask how someone with such badass style and a permed mullet could be such a dork. It was because Brian Austin-Green already had the wigger role taken care of while Preistly and Perry had way too sweet sideburns for comic relief. So the role had to fall to the Z-man. That’s why he could be on this show though. All you have to do is still have him hanging around Beverly Hills high still. He doesn’t work but lives on a trust fund. He is always hanging around the school offering underage girls rides home from school in his busted ass sports car. Campus security is constantly on the lookout for him after he was found doing coke and exposing himself in the first floor women’s bathroom. I mean how is this not in the script? It makes perfect sense. He would still be the comic relief but in a much more creepy and realistic way. If he is not in the next episode I will never watch it again.

Holy shit that is strong coffee

I went down to my local bagel shop this morning and got a cup of coffee. This coffee was strong. So strong that the second I took my first sip I had to shit. It was almost instantaneous. Now don’t get me wrong, I like a strong cup of coffee. Hell, that’s why I buy it. However, if I am going to buy a cup of coffee I don’t want it to be so strong that after one sip I feel like I have a gnome inside me punching my intestines. In the words of Dennis Leary I just want some fucking coffee flavored coffee. I want it to taste good and not leave me with the undeniable need to play battleshits. I think that it is time I switch to tea, maybe some chamomile with cream and a lemon twist. Thoughts?

Dey snakes out dere dis beeg

Yes Cube there are. In fact when I was on the set of the movie Anaconda I saw many snakes that happened to be that “beeg.” You see, I played Jon Voight playing a greasy South American boat captain and snake hunter. I had to go into makeup four three hours every day before shooting to get to look exactly like Voight. They also made me wear a sagging body suit because my perfectly sculpted physique did not match up with the weathered body of the Midnight Cowboy. Anyways, the movie was shot with real snakes. They told people at the theaters that the snakes were CGI because they didn’t want people walking into the woods and trying to hunt these things down. Believe me, these animals have gigantic teeth, massive crushing power, extremely cold skin, and a thirst for human blood. They’re a lot like Jennifer Lopez in that respect. Burn!

We need to bring him back

What happened to television shows like Alf? This was perhaps one of the most universally applauded shows ever to grace the TV screen. Where else are you going to find a protagonist that cynical who also has an unquenchable thirst for cat blood? I bet you would be hard pressed to find any other show that has a character like that. More than anything, I would like to see Alf return to TV and make my world bright again. At the same time I worry about what it would mean for Alf to return. I have no doubt that the product would not be packaged the same way it was back then. Therefore, I have decided to draw up a few plot lines that I would think could make the show relevant to a larger audience while not taking away from the cat killing humor.

The family in the show is going to be replaced by the Winslow family from Family Matters with Reginald VelJohnson continuing his role as Carl.

Harriet Winslow will now be played by a CGI robot that has an affinity for her cat breeding job. (you can already see tons of storylines there)

The family’s house is going to be on top of a small grocery store that Carl runs. Carl was fired from the police force for eating too many twinkies on the job.

No Urkel.

The next door neighbor Gomez is going to be played by Paul Rodriguez. He is good friends with Carl but has seen Alf a few times and thinks he is the Chupacabra. He is always trying to get into Carl’s house so he can capture Alf and sell him.

Alf is exactly the same. No changes.

In his free time Alf likes to solve cold case murders that Carl could never solve when he was on the force.

There is a cooking portion on the show.

This is a reality TV show.

I think that this is a good start in getting Alf back onto TV. Of course, I am welcome to hear whatever types of ideas that you may have to make Alf a more relevant TV product for today’s audience. Please help me to get this show back on the air.

He is out there...I can smell him

After the disappointment of last week’s Bigfoot debacle I have decided to pack up my bags and head into the woods to track this elusive creature down. But Burt, what makes you think that you will be able to catch the Bigfoot when so many others have failed? Well, I have a different approach than most people. I am going to throw the Bigfoot a party. I figure I will get airlifted out to a predetermined location (no I am not telling you) and bring the supplies that I think will get this party started right. And by supplies I mean a pound of mushrooms, and liter of jaegermeister, six candy bars, a Hustler, and a keg of miller high life. I also forgot to mention the boom box that I am going to bring. My plan is to eat a bunch of the mushrooms, tap the keg and then put on my super awesome Bigfoot mix tape (a mix of speed metal and Phil Collins). I figure all I have to do then is wait. Once Bigfoot gets there or I hallucinate him being there I will take photographic evidence and say the pictures are just for me. Once I have lulled him into a false sense of security BAM! Karate chop to the back of the neck and he is out. The hard part is going to be hiking him out on my back, and having to knock him out every once and a while. I don’t plan on handing him over to experts but rather letting him hang at my place for a few days to see how the other half lives. I think it will be funny to see how he reacts to sandwiches and mini malls. Then a few days later when he is adjusting to living life in this new world BAM! I knock him out and drop him right back out in the woods. Why? Because I can.