That is it!

If you have not heard about it already American Gladiators will be returning to television during the summer of 2008. I for one am extremely pissed off. You may think that this was a show that was meant for a man of my talents. A swashbuckling sex god from outer space would seem to love a show like this. Perhaps even want to make sweet love to it if the opportunity presented itself. Yet, I have been slighted by the people who produce this show not once, but twice. The story is a heartbreaking tale of a dream snatched from my very hands.

It all started in the late 80's. I had just finished winning my third consecutive Iron Man competition in Hawaii. I challenged myself the third year by wearing leg and arm weights the entire time. I still found the strength to win, but that is beside the point. The point is, that as I was having my celebratory Mai Tai, I noticed that the television was broadcasting a sport I had seen before. Many years before I had been trapped in Canada by a group of wealthy landowners who made their prisoners fight in matches that are similar to what I was now watching on TV. The only exception was that these games were not till death, and the "gladiators" all had tans and long hair. In the Canadian prisons you couldn't grow hair because of the lice, and its hard to get a tan when you are allowed one hour a week out in the snow. Once again, I am getting off the subject. From the little I caught of the show I knew that this could be a viable profession for myself. So, I dusted off my resume and I sent it in to their offices.

Well it didn't take long for me to get word from the show. Turns out that it is the same Canadian bastards that are running this show. I guess they realized that they could make a lot more if the "gladiators" weren't DYING. Anyhoo, they get back to me and explain that due to my past record up in Canada I was not deemed a good fit for this show. I asked them if I could be a contestant instead and once again I was denied. They explained that my brutality and thirst for blood were just a little to much for the networks to handle. I thanked them for the consideration and asked that they keep me in mind for future hirings. A few years later the show was cancelled, ending my chance once and for all. Or so I thought.

Now I hear that they have a new version and have I heard anything from these assholes? Nope! They don't even call to ask me to do a screen test. I think that it is based on one of three things;

• My forementioned brutality and lust for blood.
• My incredible sex appeal and chisled pecs.
• And most likely, the fact that I would not change my name from Burt into something really stupid, like blazer.

So now I have come to a realization. FUCK YOU AMERICAN GLADIATORS!!! Fuck you in your stupid faces. Let me just say that without my help this show is gonna go the way of the Dodo bird. Burn in hell you goddamned Canucks. You couldn't even let me host?