I thought this was ergonomic

One of the companies I work for has changed its base of operations and today is the first day at the new site. The first thing that I have noticed is that everything in the office is ergonomic. My new chair…. Ergonomic. My new modern cubical working space with built in closet….. ergonomic. White board to diagram up game plays and draw pictures...yep, ergonomic. I have not christened them yet but word on the street is that the toilet seats are ergonomic too. Now I am not really sure what ergonomic means but I think it has something to do with the Greek god of comfort. Wikipedia defines it thusly;

Ergonomics is the scientific discipline concerned with designing according to the human needs, and the profession that applies theory, principles, data and methods to design in order to optimize human well-being and overall system performance. [1] The field is also called human engineering, and human factors engineering.

Well for some odd reason I feel that this is a bit of an overstatement. If I was to define ergonomic it would probably have something to do with Lazy Boys, a microwave, and a magazine rack for my consistently long bathroom breaks (nobody drops the Cosby’s off at the pool with the dedication and precision that I do).

Maybe I just haven’t given this ergonomic trend a fair shake. Maybe in time I could learn to love and grow in an ergonomical enviorment, but right now my back is killing me and nobody has explained where the free snack room is. FUCK.

We must stop these terrorists

There is no doubt that by now you have heard the news about the discovery of a lost tribe of people discovered deep in the forests of the Amazon, a sect of peoples that have never come in contact with a society outside of their own, fascinating. That is why I am going to go out on a limb here and beat the Bush administration to the next obvious step. We had best send troops to the Amazon and take care of these bastards before they ruin our way of life. One day we are marveling at their ability to self sustain themselves and their culture. The next, we are fighting for our lives while they shoot their arrows at us and use black magic. I bet the arrows even have anthrax on the tip of them. You might say, “Burt you can’t be serious.” Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. If we don’t start protecting our borders from people like this we are going to regret it for the rest of our lives. Leave them alone some may say. Well, they have already seen us flying above them, which means Charlie has the jump on us. That is why we need to focus on getting our troops out of Iraq and into the Amazon. If not to protect our borders and American way of life, then to see if they have any oil down there. I mean I think it’s a little easier to fight a few orange guys with arrows than people with guns. USA USA USA!!!!!!

A trip to Whales Vagina sounds nice

Anytime one of these three day weekends come around I get down on my knees and thank Sudaram, my god and savior, for his kindness and generosity. The other thing I do is try to get out of town for a little me time. Well, this time around I have decided to visit Whales Vagina for a few days and soak up the atmosphere. It is going to be quite a time. I plan on coming in HOT, hitting the ground running at a rate of speed that many would not perceive rational. However, I will try to remain dignified in the presence of this beautiful town and my constituents. All that being said I would like to issue a simple mantra for the weekend. See the ball, be the ball, drink a high ball.

It's someones special day

There is a sweet boy that lives down the street from me and it is his birthday today. He loves Ghostbusters and candy. He also wanted me to tell everyone that he appreciates the well wishes and candy baskets. He would have said thanks but he only types one word a minute.

Holy shit it is hot out

It is hot as balls out right now and I am frustrated. Don’t get me wrong. I happen to love hot weather. I welcome a chance to don the speedo and head out to my local park for a little sunning. What gets my panties all in a bunch is that never, not once, has the Coors Light Ice cold Beer train run through my neighborhood. I know that the thing exists. It has been in countless commercials. You know the scenario. It is closing time at work and everybody is exhausted by the heat and a long day of servitude to the powers that be, when all of a sudden this silver bastion of hope comes flying out of nowhere handing out ice cold beers and making life just a bit more bearable. Where the fuck is this magic train when I need it?!? The thing doesn’t run on tracks or anything. Scientists have concluded that it is a magic train. If it is a engineer you need then I am your man, but please don’t deny my people this super train any longer. Today would be the perfect day to do it. I will be waiting at my corner at about 4pm and if I don’t start to hear “Love Train” by the O’Jays you best believe that heads are going to roll. That’s right Pete Coors, you rocky mountain water drinking son of a bitch.

Nickolas Spencer is a dirty dumb whore

There are some people in life that, tragically, have been ignored to a point that obnoxious behavior is the only reason people pay them any attention. Whether it was little attention from their parents, impotency issues or overwhelming body odor something happened that led people to distance themselves. The only thing left to do at this time is make outrageous claims in order for people to realize who you are in the first place. One such person is Nickolas Spencer. I do not know this asswipe from a hole in the wall but apparently he thinks that everyone does. Nick, if I can call him that, wrote quite an unflattering letter to a group of people describing what he thought were injustices revolving around a certain recreational league’s treatment of him. His largely un-based claims seem to point to a person who is lonely and mad at the world. More to the point, he just seems like a gigantic gaping asshole. Anyways, I wanted to say that I thought that this league was a great chance to meet people of like mind and I do not have one bad thing to say about it. So to the people who made it so enjoyable, I thank you. As for our friend Nick I think that my feelings would best be represented by the words of Silky Johnson and Ice T;

“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you, but I hate you. I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only to you.”

“I want every hot tub you ever step in to be cold.”

May Madness?

We have finally come to the breaking point of the season. The Brewskee Mug Tournament has arrived. As you can see above the Wednesday night league is going to have a doozy of a first round. Team Sofa King Good has their hands full with the Skee Amigos, a most worthy opponent. Don Juan Hundo, Hot Dog Hurley and myself have our work cut out for us. The only way that I can think of describing our plan for the tournie is best described by the words of the late Tupac Shakur as Birdie in Above the Rim;

"All I see right now is Bombers, Bombers, Bombers.....CHAMPIONSHIP!"

Now if you replace Bombers with Sofa King Good you have our montra.

Sweeps week

Well it finally happened. After all my years of sending in head shots I am going to be doing some work during sweeps week. I am talking about on camera work. Yours truly has been given a contract to appear on the Hills. Yes, those Hills. They wanted a really hunky guy to be the new love interest. For whom you might ask? All of the people on the show, that’s who. MTV has taken into account the raw sexuality that I exude and think that I would be the perfect fit for every character on the show. Both the guys and girls will fall for this new hunk. Basically, I am going to come onto the scene as a hardened east coast bad boy with a cloudy past that lives by his own rules and loves Yaeger Bombs. It doesn’t matter that I am actually from the west coast because my east coast accent is dead on. You just have to use a lot of “HEYYY” and “OHHHHHHH” in your regular conversations. Example;

“HEYYYYY yo honey get ova here and let me get a better look at that ass of yous….OHHHHHHHH!”

I am going to go to all the hip clubs and accidentally bump into different groups that are on the show. Maybe I will even be dj’ing because a lot of people do that I am told. Within a week I will probably have already been mentioned as a love interest for all the people on the show. Of course, there will have to be a point when I have to break everyone’s hearts and leave the show. I am hoping that the reason is the secret service couldn’t find a recruit worthy enough to guard the presidents dogs, so off I head back to the east coast. There will be tears and I am sure that one of stars will have something really deep to say like, “did that juss really HAPPEN (blank stare devoid of any brain waves).” I will get a little emotional and explain that this is something I have to do, but that when I am done I will come back, which is really a lie because I never plan on being on the show again. What I really want is my own spin-off.

I think that Hulk said it best

Tonight marks the end of the regular season for Brewskeeball and the team is starting to gel at the right time. Don Juan Hundo and Hot Dog Hurley have taken this team to unimaginable levels. We embark on tonight’s contest much like Hulk Hogan had to deal with people when he was at the top of his game;

“In generalities, thank God people are nipping at my heels, talking about me, and jealous. Sometimes people celebrate my failures. It's just a different take on things. Sometimes people are good people and sometimes people are bad people. Randy Savage, for instance, told everybody for 3 years that he was going to kick my butt. I ran into him in Orlando, walked right up to him, offered to shake his hand - he wouldn't shake my hand, didn't want to go outside. He just sat in his chair and shook for 30 minutes scared to death. That has got to tell you something about his character. He can say whatever he wants. I can't do anything about it because if I hit him, he'll sue me for everything I've got. That's his deal. That's what makes him happy. He lives in misery.”

It is eirie how much professional wrestling and skeeball leagues are alike. So to all you miserable assholes that think you will take us out I have only one question for you. Once again I will use the noble words of the Hulkster;

"Watcha gonna do? When the 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania destroy you!"

I want a nickname

Lately I have been thinking about why I don’t have a nickname. Sure, Burt is a pretty sweet name in and of itself but I would really like to have a nickname. The problem is that nobody has given me one. I am a man of etiquette, and following those principals it would be rude of me to decide on a nickname for myself. It has to be chosen for me. Like my good friend Catfish Lamson. Now his name isn’t really Catfish, but that is one hell of a nickname. I want to have a nickname that jumps out at you and says “BOOYEA” or something of equal volume. I can also tell you what I don’t want. Remember that episode of Seinfeld were George is trying to persuade people to call him T-bone and he ends up with Coco for a nickname instead? I don’t want that to happen. That is why I have decided to open this up for debate. Please let me know what you think my nickname should be. Try to make it sound really macho.

Shit Damn

I tell you what. I come out of my house this morning and I see that the gas price has reached the unthinkable level of $4.00. Flabbergasted would be the word of choice in this situation. What is this gas made out of anyways, Chuck Norris’s tears and unicorn horns? I would understand if that was the case because both of those items are extremely rare. Yet, it is just oil. This has led me to the ultimate conclusion. It is time for me to sell my car.
That’s right I am going to be putting my T Top IROC-Z on the market in order to purchase a more gas efficient vehicle. Now its going to be real tough getting rid of this little beauty. It’s got a lot of extra special features that all you book learned elitists don’t have enough appreciation for. That airbrushed painting on the hood of an Aztec Goddess sacrificing a lamb on top of an old ruin in a thunderstorm was custom made for yours truly. I also had a pretty sweet nitrous system in there for that extra kick in top gear, or as I like to call it the panty banisher. Finally, I had rewired my window cleaners to point into the car. Why you might ask? It’s because I pour whiskey into the window cleaning tank. Anyways, she was a real beauty, but it is time to move on.
I have been looking through the auto traders and I can’t find a god damned thing that makes me feel good about selling my car. So I am going to do the most logical thing and buy a golf cart. I am just hoping that I will be able to get it airbrushed, and that my electricity bill isn’t too high.

Job Wanted

I was looking through the classifieds the other day for some work. It was very mystifying that many of the job titles I was looking for were not being offered. Can you believe that Strongman is not really considered and occupation anymore? I guess that these guys now call themselves body builders, and it is more about looking good than it is about lifting heavy items in front of crowds. Another one that had me stumped is that lion tamer is not a job search on craigslist. I mean there are a shit ton of lions out there in the world. Somebody has to train them, don’t they? I mean we can’t have all of them running around like wild animals.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there doesn’t seem to be a job out there for a guy like myself, a swashbuckling sex sorcerer with mind control powers and really sweet hair. I mean I tried to do a little IT work for a while but was fired because I punched a non functioning computer so hard that it shut down the network. For a brief time I worked with the service industry but was canned after I refused to adhere to the hand washing criteria, I don’t bend for anyone. All the people from monster.com keep recommending me for psychiatric work, but that could possibly be from the department of health. I tend to get a little groggy with all the years of abuse I have put on my mind through legal and illegal drugs.
Basically, I have just come to a point were I don’t think the right job will ever come along for me. That is why I would like to write a short list of options that I will consider. Please only contact me with serious inquiries regarding these jobs;

Hippo Wrestler
Hip hop dancer
Bowling instructor
Megaman
Mickey’s salesman
Sushi chef
Sandwich artist
Gravedigger (the Bigfoot not the job with a shovel)
Bathroom attendant (preferably womens)
Millionaire
Phil Collins personal assistant
Santa or Easter Bunny
Jewel thief
Knife salesman
Panhandler

New tactic

I was having a discussion with my friend Matthew the other night. We were discussing the current state of the world and the proper way to cook a grilled cheese sandwich. When our conversation reached a lull, Matt brought up the topic of revenge. We talked about the many ways that people can get back at others, and how that dish is best served cold. Well I have to say I was trumped by one of the most wonderful pranks I had ever heard of. The BBD, or the Brita Ball Dip, is an easy yet effective prank. I don’t think I need to dignify it with an explanation but it is kind of like a baptism, for your balls. I trust that now that I know of this horrible prank I will never drink from a Brita filter again. Thank you Matt for sharing.

When will I fall in love on a reality TV show

I have been in many relationships in my time but they have all seemed to fail at one point or another. Maybe my reckless lifestyle and commitment to extreme shit was too much for the everyday woman. It could have been the rampant abuse of horse tranquilizers and my addiction to the video game TRON. It is most likely due to my body odor, which has been described as so musky that the word musk is trying to distance itself from me. However, I think I have finally figured out what it is I need to do in order to find someone to share their life with me. I need to have a reality show in which women vie for my affection over the course of a few weeks. What a great way to find the woman of my dreams! Having 15 women move into a house where they have to share cramped living quarters will help the alpha females rise up and weed out the weak before I even meet them. Then I will show up in a tank or something badass like that and explain to the ladies that I will meet them in the backyard for a cocktail hour, a meet and greet if you will. At this time I will also introduce them to my right hand man. He will be my Big John to Brett Michaels, my Big Rick to Flava Flav. I don’t know who I will finally pick, but I am leaning towards Burt Reynolds. Over the course of the next few weeks I will put these women through a series of humiliating challenges that rewards sexiness and cutthroat tactics. I am trying to find love here people! We will slowly whittle the field down with elaborate “elimination” ceremonies in which I will give each girl some sort of present that signifies I wish that she stay, followed by a uniquely crafted question to that effect. Still undecided, but at this point I like the idea of handing them a pink machine gun and eloquently asking, “do you still want to kick it here and have sexual intercourse with me?” Now this is all conjecture at this point but I hope by the time I have gotten it down to my final two I really have someone that has fake fallen in love with me. I mean, by that time I will have spent a day with their parents or some relative that still talks with them, and I am a pretty good judge of character. Let’s hope that it works out and I find love or that the show gets picked up for a second season. The only thing left to do now is come up with the name for the show. Currently, I am leaning towards “Destruction of Love.” MTV and VH1, my email address is on the site when you are ready to start discussing budgets.

Beat it NERD!!!

Seriously......Are you being real? I guess you have a tough time understanding that genuis isn't easy to understand.

It's my friend Lukes 12th birthday this weekend

My friend Luke is turning 12 this weekend. That is almost in the teenager years. I heard that his mom is gonna have a sundae table with like ten toppings. I also heard that there is gonna be a water gun fight and a water balloon tossing contest. I also heard that there might be a clown and a magician. I don’t like clowns though, they scare me. But I do like magicians. Have you ever seen that trick when the magician makes a bunny rabbit disappear? It is really neat. No, its radical. My mom said that the bunny goes to bunny heaven for a few minutes and then the magic guy brings him back. My favorite color crayon is green. You can use it for so many things like grass, boogers and grass.
One time last year I peed myself on the school trip to the aquarium and now my mom says I have to wear these special underwears that are rubber. I hope nobody notices them under my bathing suit. I also got a hair under my right armpit and I don’t know what I should do with it. Maybe…gotta go…transformers is on.

We'll get em next year

Remember that movie the Bad News Bears? The loveable tale of ragtag team of youngsters who go from the worst in the league to almost winning the championship. Yeah I do too. Unfortunately, that will be nothing like the San Francisco Giants this season. We will be staying at the bottom of the league this season regardless of what happens. I think the Giants would still be in last if they had Babe Ruth come back and sign a contract with them. All the teams in the national league west could die in a horrific four plane pileup and the Giants would still finish in last place. Jesus Christ himself could become the cleanup hitter and they would still be in the cellar. I guess what I am trying to say is that tickets are going to be pretty cheap this season. That, and I am going to be betting a lot on the Giants to lose. I figure that I might as well make some money while I have to sit through this season. I am a glass half full type of person.

TGIF

Man I am so glad its Friday. I think that after I get off work tonight I am going to stop by the liquor store and pick up a box of Franzia. Then it is straight home and to the couch for ABC’s Friday night lineup. I mean why would you go out when you have a block of shows together that reads like this;

Full House
When Stephanie apologizes to a boy at school, whom she had insulted by calling him "Duckface", he declares her to be his "secret girlfriend".

Family Matters
When Steve's appendicitis puts him in the hospital, Carl thinks he's in store for a few nerd-free days ... until he is shot in the butt while trying to foil a robbery and winds up sharing the same hospital room as Urkel.

Perfect Strangers
Balki insists on buying a lottery ticket but Larry thinks that it is just a waste of money for something that can't possibly win. But during the draws, Larry realizes that Balki picked the right numbers and won 28 million dollars but Balki can't remember where he hid the ticket.

Step by Step
One of Carol's clients has the Foster/Lamberts come to her country club, and while some are uncomfortable being there, each family member has their own unique experience.

MAN!!! How are you going to beat that on a Friday night? You know that Stephanie Tanner is going to say “how rude” sometime in this episode. It has to happen. Boy, and I bet Steve gets on Carl’s last nerve and hilarity ensues. What can you say about Balki that already hasn’t? I bet Mipos is just as wonderful and interesting as the man who came from there. Then you are gonna finish all of that up with a Susanne Sommer’s helmed TV show. I think I have died and gone to heaven.

Tut tut tut....Not so fast Tuesday

I received an electronic message over the interwebs from my friend Mike;

“You underestimate the crappiness of Tuesday. Although it has some international greatness in the forms of Taco Tuesday, Two for 1 Tuesdays and Fat Tuesday… these name games are just rhetoric to hide the fact that it is just another shitty day sandwiched in between Monday (my sworn enemy) and Wed (which everyone tries to build up by calling it hump day). God I hate when people say, ‘happy hump day’.”

I would have to agree with you on that sentiment Mike. Now while I won’t completely agree with you that Tuesday has taken over Wednesday as douchebag of the week, I will agree that it it’s not as great as people make it out to be. Tuesday thinks he is one of the cool kids and that his shit doesn’t stink. Well it does, really bad. A week should only be Thursday through Sunday. That is until Monday night football comes back. - MM

Well....my bracket is done

Thanks a lot Cornell. This is that last time that I pick an Ivy League school to win the NCAA tournament. I really thought that you had what it takes this year. What, with the fantastic use of the chest and bounce passes I looked for you to be an unstoppable force for this years tournament. What I failed to realize is that basketball has changed dramatically from when me and the other gents would play with peach baskets in the back of Atherton William’s father’s estate. The game has matured in ways that I never thought possible. Now with the crazy addition of the slam dunk and three point shot plays our Ivy League boys have been left behind in the dust. I guess I am just a relic from the past. Give me a Winthrop Jennings inbound bounce pass to Prescott Thourogood for a lay-up any day over this new “Alley-OOP” play. Where are the fundamentals? What happened to boxing out and keeping people over 6 foot out of the game? I tell you, I don’t know what to make of it. I guess this game is no longer a gentleman’s contest and I need to realize that. That and I am also out twenty bucks.

All y'all seen da leprechaun lemme here you say YEAH!!!

Ah yes Saint Paddy's day. I know that I am going to seen some leprechauns today, for many reasons. One being that today is a magical day for the little people and they are most likely to show there faces today above all others. Another reason is that midgets or "the vertically challenged" also will be wearing leprechaun costumes. If they don't have a pot of gold I would lean towards them being a midget, or a very fiscally savy leprechaun. The final reason is that I know I am going to have so much whiskey today that hallucinations are a given, and I plan on seeing Darby O'gill and the little people play Danny Boy in my bedroom at around 2 am. Anyhoo, I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful day filled with merriment and beer, and sweet delicious whiskey.

Warning: Count Assula Returns

The moon is high in the city of New York and Count Assula has caught scent of the western territories again. He has dined on what NY has to offer yet he thirsts for more. This man, or entity, will not be denied his manifest destiny. If you have liquor, daughters or Otis Redding CD's I suggest you lock them all up. He will plunder. His motivations are reduced to primordial instincts. He has been known to fornicate in the areas of North Beach, the Mission, and the Warf. He has many tactics, each more incredible than the next. Ancient secrets forgotten in time, shrouded forever in secrecy. Plug the butts of those you love. The warning has been issued. - DF & MH

Skeezus Christ

If there was any game on earth more important than Skeeball I would be hard pressed to find it. After just one week of playing in my first

Skeeball league

I am hooked. Now I have played many different sports and have had some extreme adventures over the years but nothing compares to skeeball. It is as though God himself invented this game. I will ask him about it the next time we talk. Its simplistic beauty, dedication to perfection and timelessness are unparalleled. It also helps that you can throw down about 30 PBR’s while you play and your game gets better. I look forward to this evening’s test of courage, and whiskey. Please look into joining in an area near you. This game has changed my life. And by change my life, I mean I finally have something to do on Wednesdays other than lift weights and write poetry.

P.S. I hear that the fine young gentleman from the Sofa King Good team really are trying turn things around tonight.

I talk to God...A lot

I talk to god. A lot. We talk in all forms. Sometimes he will just start talking straight into my brain, but usually he calls or IM's me. His most favorite is IM. I think it's because he knows I like all the funny abbreviations and he can make his own emoticons. Last night when we were IMing he was all like;
"The should totally do a facebook for lepers."
And I was like;
"totes!"
I understand that he was trying to get the awareness out but I didn't have the heart to tell him that Leprocy was not as big of an issue on earth these days. We went on to talk about the current presidential race and my appreciation for his work on fucked up looking animals like the platapus. We IM'd a little bit more about weather for the upcoming weekend, and God told me about his plans to get some anal bleaching done. We each sent out a ttyl and promised to text eachother after work today. That's just the kind of connection I have with the lord. It's really open.-DF

A learning computer

I was tipped off by my colleague Joseph that Wednesdays still suck. I gave you a chance Wednesday to turn around the perceptions that many people have of you. Well guess who shit the bed again? I won't even dignify that with an answer. Instead, I will be sending a Saturday from the future back in time to destroy you Wednesday. Good luck dealing with this guy asshole. His CPU is a Nueronet processor, a learning computer. He will not sleep until you have been terminated.

101 is a good pump

I did 101 pushups this morning. Not 100, not 102, 101 pushups, military style. I was watching the Disney movie about all those cute dalmations the night before and it must have just stuck in my head. The thing I don’t get is I live by my own rules and never let my subconscious rule me, but one thing keeps on happening. If I hear a number before I go to bed I have to wake up the next morning and immediately do that amount of pushups. Can you imagine the time that my little boy Danny mistakenly left 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea at my bedside table? Needless to say, when my arms regained feeling we had a little chat. Don’t get me wrong, I love pushups, LOVE THEM. It’s just that 20,000 is a lot more than I am used to in my daily workout. I am trying to find a way to beat this problem. One reason is that I may be forced to lose a lot of my morning to doing pushups. The other problem is that if I get any more buffed I will be entered into the Mr. Universe contest against my will, and I don’t want to win that stupid thing again.

Let me tell you a few questions

1. Did you know that MAK WAHLBAG is the greatest actor of all time?
B. Did you know that I will knock your fucking teeth out if you disagree with me?

What is love?

What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

Everybody plays the fool

Let’s be friends Wednesday, for serious. I feel really bad about how I have treated you. I am going to try and enjoy your company more and not make so many disparaging remarks. I will also promise to stop that whole jihad that I said I was going to deliver to you.

Love,
Burt

PS Hearts and Hugs

Ya turkey

I just wanted to write a column of thanks to Doctor Steve Brule. His knowledge of medicine and his sophistication are unparalleled. There have been many times where Dr. Steve has taught me to go away from convention to get better results. His segments for living on your lonesome are fantastic, and I never knew that rubbing vinegar on yourself could decrease body odor. Thank you Dr. Steve and I hope to one day share a glass of SWEET BERRY WINE with you.

Open wide you son of a bitch

Roy Scheider has passed away at the age of 75. I got to know Roy when I was working on the set of Jaws. This was early in my career and I was doing some free lance stunt work for a few different studios. After a few days on the set I was elected to be the person who peddled the bike inside the beast known as Jaws. All of those scenes when shark is moving through the water at a tremendous speed is actually me peddling a ten speed at about 70 miles per hour. The hardest part was taking those barrels filled with air under the water with me. Actually, that was the second hardest part. The hardest part was making sure that the machine had enough speed right before Roy shot the compressed air tank inside. I jumped out of the back just in time, and the rest is cinematic history. Even up until recently we would phone one another and laugh about how many times that thing sank with me inside. You will be missed Roy, and you were one hell of a shot. RIP

I stepped in a bear trap last night

I was taking a hike through a mountain range by my house last night and I stepped in a bear trap. I had never had this happen to me before and believe me it really hurts. My first feeling was owwwwww this fucking hurts reeeeeal bad. Then I started to think, “Who the fuck is still using bear traps?” I mean are we still in the olden days. I thought man killed bears with semi-automatic weapons and plastic explosives these days. Well, I guess I was wrong. This bear trap was in good shape and wasn’t rusty at all. I had to chew through my own foot to get out, but I finally made it. I just wanted to write and say to whomever it may concern that I made it out okay, but what about all of the small woodland critters that could step in that trap? It sometimes makes me teary eyed to think of thumper and bambi getting caught in the contraption that took my right foot. I think that whoever set this trap needs to think about that too. I would also like you to pay for my new robotic foot that I am paying for and making myself.

Not impressed

Super Tuesday has come and gone. What have I learned from it? All of the candidates have shitty commercials and I could care less about all of them. Not one person thought it would be a good idea to have a commercial of them in space fighting aliens on a foreign planet? Come on! Whether you like it or not, fighting off hordes of alien invaders is going to be something that this president deals with. Sooner or later we are going to deplete our resources or the aliens are going to do the same with theirs, leading to an inevitable hostile takeover by one over the other. I think that our next President should be aware of this type of problem and face it head on. I also noticed that none of the candidates has “giant laser” listed on their platform. We are going to need this laser. Maybe not now, maybe not five years from now, but by golly we are going to need it.
This laser could allow us the time to properly prepare for the looming invasion. It just bothers me that candidates still ignore the big issues and won’t take a stand for things that we will inevitably deal with. That is why I have decided to once again enter the presidential race as an independent. My platform includes the following;

• Free Healthcare
• Legalize Marijuana
• Giant Laser
• Better spaceships
• More holidays (I have some I made up)
• Free cable TV

I am getting to work on a commercial that can put into perspective the issues that I think so clearly define my first four years in office. Good day my fellow Americans.

Plan: Acquire, then liquidate Yahoo Inc's soul

The associated press has been grossly misinformed regarding a potential Yahoo acquisition. Popular sources have revealed that small internet start up, Microsoft Corp who operates out of a strip mall in northern Washington state, has attempted to purchase the internet giant Yahoo. When, in actuality, I had been negotiating on behalf of the Carmichael Corporation with Yahoo for over a year. I am not a man of convention or common practices - so you can imagine everyone's shock when I addressed the board of directors at Yahoo thusly:

“Gentleman, Yahoo has totally sharted the bed here. Clearly your users are starving for more pornography. There is too much useless content on your website that mires people down in the daily doses of the news, email, movie times, and phone book listings."

When you can walk into the room with stones like that people pay attention, or call security. In this case they paid attention. Now the only thing left to do was cross the t’s and dot the i’s. There was also the matter of money but I hoped we could make the deal without it. The final transaction between Yahoo and the Carmichael Corporation was sealed over a handshake and the ritualistic and brutal sacrifice of the nearest mailroom employee. I ate his heart, literally swallowed it while it was still beating, right there in the board room while the most powerful men in business watched me. Then I grabbed the chairman's tie and wiped some blood from the corner of my mouth and said “we'll be in touch.” Looks like the old rainmaker closed another deal. - DF

Awwwwww Yeah

TGIF! You know what I mean. I think that this monkey above feels the same way. I can't talk to animals but I think that we understand eachother. Kind of a don't mess with my shit I won't mess with your shit type of deal. Anyways, I plan on accomplish some big things on this Glutton Bowl weekend, and I hope your prayers are with me and this monkey who I have affectionately named Prince Bananahead.

Journey to the center of the Earth my ass

My friend Conor sent me this movie poster a week ago and I am still trying to figure it out. Unlike many of you I have actually been to the center of the earth, and it looks nothing like this. Now I understand that Hollywood has to make movies that are interesting and visually appealing, but you don’t have to make it look this stupid. The center of the earth is a lot dirtier than what this poster implies, and it is also hot as fuck down there. It’s the kind of heat that makes you feel like your wearing a wet swimsuit for underwear. What I am trying to say is that going to the center of the earth is not easy. I had to make a large drilling machine out of the remnants of a tank and a 1976 Ford Pinto. What most people ask me about my trip to the center of the earth is, ‘did you go all the way to china?’ Yes I did. It wasn’t my first choice, but I just seemed to end up there. Do you want to know something? People in China are not very happy when an American made earth tunneling Pinto ends up breaching the grounds of Tiananmen Square. Not happy at all.

I have you in my sights

That's right you son of a bitch. For too long you have made my weeks horrible. It was only a matter of time until I had to dispose of you. My hate for you burns with the power of a thousand suns. I would keep your head on a swivel from now on if I were you. That or you just disappear forever. Your call asshole.

I am not buying it Brady

Nice try Thomas. You thought that you could trick me but you forgot that I am smart (insert New England spelling for smart, e.g. smaaat). This past week Tom Brady has been seen in many photos wearing a walking cast and has been absent from team workouts. Meanwhile, Bill Belichick has been noticeably tight lipped about his quarterback’s condition. The sports writing and broadcasting pundits from across America have all weighed in on what they think this means to the Patriots chances and the affect it will have on Brady’s game. Well I would like to weigh in what I think is going on. Nothing is wrong with Tom Brady, nothing at all. He probably doesn’t even have a high ankle sprain, that cast probably has liquor in it. You see Belichick comes from the Bill Parcell’s school of football, and this classic panzer strike move is something we have seen before. A time ago when the Tuna was coaching the Giants he faced a very successful Buffalo Bills team in the Super Bowl. In the weeks leading up to the game he praised the Bills and all the things that they could do as a football team. At the same time he was giving his players time to prepare, and letting LT smoke all the crack he could, while allowing the Bills organization to become full of itself. The Giants came into the game and punched the Bills in the mouth. The game was close but in the end the Giants prevailed. There is a little difference in the type of smoke being used by Belichick, but this is the same kind of situation. He has allowed everyone to focus on Tom Brady and his mystery leg injury while letting the rest of the team focus on the task at hand. I bet the second that Tom walks in the door of his house that boot is off and he is dancing around like Fred Astaire while his girlfriend makes him waffles in the nude. This is one of the most prepared quarterbacks in the game. I don’t think he is going to miss a few practices and lose his hold on the offense. If anyone thinks that Tom Brady is not going to be one hundred percent ready for this game this weekend you might be in for quite a letdown.

Fuck you Applebee's

Applebee’s has gone too far this time. Those assholes sent me a cease a desist order saying that I was no longer welcome in their restaurants. Every single restaurant that they own, even the ones in Mexico. I think that they should have just heard me out instead of getting the law involved. Is it too much for me to ask for my own shrine or wall of fame? I noticed in many of your commercials that you honor the local coach or teacher with a piece of history honoring their legacy and accomplishment. This usually means some sort of crappy picture or memento that symbolizes their contribution to the community. Why then will you not honor your local shark slaying, unicorn enthusiast? I understand that I may have been a little bit short with the staff in the past. That time that I passed out at the bar was an unfortunate event, and that hostess’s ass ran into my hand not the other way around. I guess the straw that broke the camels back though was my request for a shrine. Yes, I went to the bathroom on my table when I was informed of the decision to not put me on the wall of fame and no, I did not mean to make all the other patrons sick. Listen, I am over this whole wall of fame thing. I say let bygones be bygones and allow me to once again frequent your restaurants. I promise that I will never defecate on a table in anger again. Please? I am lost without your appetizer sampler, and Chili’s gives me number 3.

It's all over Tom

I expect that by now most of you have seen the videos of Tom Cruise getting all mushy about being a Scientologist. If you haven’t you’re probably one of those hippie types that doesn’t believe in electricity, have a compost pile in your kitchen, and wash your clothes in a bath tub. Anyways, in the videos Tom explains the differences between scientologists and regular people. I was ashamed to find out that people who aren’t Scientologists don’t have the capacity to do as much. Well guess what Tom? I have a little something to tell you. Your career is over. That’s right pal. A few months from now you are going to be making Time Cop 2 because Van Damme passed on it. Straight to DVD my man.

Carmichael Corporation is coming out of the shadows

Long ago a few business men (not to be named) put together a small company that was to be known and not known, to be here and there at the same time, a shadow company. Carmichael Corporation first started as the world’s foremost supplier and developer of beatdowns in America. Business was good and continues to be good, but with any great company expansion is inevitable. Carmichael has started to put our hands into other types of business, and both profits and beatdowns are skyrocketing. I should know because I have held many titles within the company, and have watched its growth up close. Most recently, I have been named the Executive Vice President of Taking Over. My other titles have included Senior Team Lead of Body Bag Sales, Lead Analyst on Punching Power, and Janitor. Now I am not saying to go out and start purchasing Carmichael stock right now, you can’t. We haven’t gone public and we won’t until the time is right. Rather, I would like to issue a warning that has been approved by the people here at Carmichael;

GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR WAY! WE ARE THE STEALTH BOMBERS OF BEATDOWNS AND BUSINESS DEALS. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE IN OUR WAKE WHEN WE COME THROUGH. OUR ADVICE TO YOU IS DROP ALL OF YOUR HOLDINGS AND SIGN THEM OVER TO US. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN BANKRUPTCY AND PERHAPS EVEN PHYSICAL PAIN, AND BY “PERHAPS” I MEAN “DEFINITELY.”

Sincerely,




Burt Destruction
Executive V.P. of T.0.
http://www.carmichaelcorp.com/_.html

Bobby Fisher also died

But he was an anti-semetic bed wetting chess player. He gets no Burt love.

Wham-O R.I.P.

My friend Chris just passed this sad information on to me. Richard Knerr, a co-founder of the company that turned the Hula Hoop and Frisbee into beloved toys, has died. He also was the reason why we have the slip n slide and super frisbee. This man deserves a moment of science for helping children, hippies, and drunk college students with inventions that have stayed relevant for decades. You sir, are a true American hero.

Bootie Trap Docka Jones

After the rousing success that was last weeks roundhouse discussion, I have decided to raise another intellectual debate. Namely, if you had to use any type of booby trap to protect yourself what would you use and why? I always find myself drawn to the swinging spike log, as evidenced by my crude artistic depiction above. It has worked on many occasions, and it usually makes people shit themselves on impact. Please let me know your opinion below.

I have a plan to stop Britney Spears

This needs to stop. Someone has to put an end to this. People around the world are suffering and the biggest news most often seems to be Britney Spears and her impending mental breakdown/suicide/mountain dew commercial. Obviously, some of you people can’t get enough of her. Want to know something? I have had enough. So you can imagine my glee when I saw on the news that she had been taken from her home by police and placed in a mental hospital for evaluation. Thank god. They are going to have to keep her in there for a while. WRONG. They released her a day or two later and now she is back on the streets causing havoc. It is obvious that she craves attention and will go to any lengths to see that she is noticed. She can break the law and get away with it by paying her way out of it or spinning the truth with press releases. Basically, she can not be stopped, at least not by conventional standards. That is why I would like to apply a new tactic in getting Britney out of the public eye.

Remember that part in Jurassic Park 2 when they come back to the island to hunt and capture the dinosaurs. Well that stuff really happens. I have hunted and trapped many dinosaurs during my day using that type of machinery. I don’t know if it will work, but it is worth a try. I figure we can set a trap in downtown LA for her that she cannot avoid, something along the lines of free French fries or a baby giveaway. Once she has gotten to the target zone we will sound the hunt. She is prone to quick and aggressive movements so we will have to be quick and not make any mistakes. My guess is that she isn’t in the best cardio shape so if we take her car out of the equation and force her to run, the odds would be in our favor. I am pretty sure that we will be able to take her down with a high dosage of horse tranquilizers and a steel net gun. The only problem I see is all the ridiculous paparazzi around her. I figure we can just shoot them or run them over with the trucks, because nobody really cares about those people. They are like hookers. They have no souls. Once we have Britney in custody I would recommend the same Raptor enclosure that they used in the movie. It will be nice for her and us. She gets to eat a live cow everyday and lives in a pretty electric house. We don’t have to watch a self-absorbed, bipolar, attention whore make a fool of herself. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Visited the Snook’s beach house this weekend

I decided to get out of town this past weekend and head to my dear friend Benjamin Snook’s beach house. Bengie and I have been close for quite some time. We both attended Yardale were we had 4.0 grade point averages. It was as joint president of the student body were we became such close chums. After graduation Benjamin went into the world of finance while I moved into a world of adventure and death defiance. Yet, we still managed to keep our friendship by summering each year in Nantucket. So you can imagine my surprise when Benjamin called to invite me to the beach. I thought that he was calling about some IPO’s that we had discussed a few weeks prior. Instead it was an invitation to relax at his beach chalet for a few days. Needless to say I accepted. What a wonderful weekend. We dined on many fancy cheeses such as Kraft single slices and mozzarella sticks. The wine was delicious as well. If you haven’t already, please try Carlo Rossi and his bevy of delicious wines. We sat around the fire while Benjamin’s wife Linda played her harp for us. I barely had to lift a finger due to the Snook’s illegal alien wait staff. I don’t know how they do it, but Linda and Benjamin really have those people trained. I would imagine it is from severe beatings after mistakes have been made, or death threats. Anyhoo, I couldn’t have asked for a lovelier time. The only regret of the weekend is that the shark fishing wasn’t really up to par. Regardless, I would like to thank the Snooks for their generosity and taste for the finer things in life. Bravo!

So Mavericks is this weekend

Easy Warchild, seriously! We have once again come to that time of the year when one of surfings most talked about contests has gotten the green light. A long time ago I wrote about how I had surfed Mavericks before. It is definitely not as easy as it looks. However, I should mention that I surfed it during the fourty year storm and I was riding a taco bell tray. The thing that I don’t get is how surfing has not progressed in a long time. “But Burt,” you ask “aren’t people getting gnarlier all the time?” Of course they are. They are getting way gnarly broski. The thing is I am not talking about bigger waves, longer barrels and tons of fresh nugs. I am talking about competitions and their lack of pushing the limits. They are getting less gnarly, very less gnarly. Therefore, I thought I would put out some new ideas out there to “spice up” the competition;

• Transport Great Whites into the area and chum the surrounding water
• Put mines in the water at different locations
• Everyone has to surf in the nude
• Have people drop nets from helicopters above the waves
• Everyone has to ride Taco Bell trays while eating a 7 layer crunch rap

This is just me workshopping some ideas. I am open to suggestions but they had best be extreme, intense, and of course, gnarly.

Greatest roundhouse ever

I am a huge fan of the roundhouse kick. I have used it so many times in my lifetime that I received a lifetime achievement award from Roundhouse Monthly. My question to you is what is the greatest roundhouse of all time in cinema? For my money, it doesn't get any better than JCVD in bloodsport taking out Chong Lee. Please share your opinions, or don't.

I invented that

I was watching a college football game the other day and something caught my eye, then I got pissed off. It just so happens that the University of Tulsa’s team mascot is the Golden Hurricanes. I for one would like to call shenanigans on that. You see, back in the early seventies I was part of a crowd of people who, how do I say this tastefully? People who enjoyed to attend wild fuck parties where there were no inhibitions and pretty much anything went. This is why I am having a problem with Tulsa’s choice of a mascot. It just so happens that their mascot is a sex move that I patented on one of those fateful evenings long ago. Basically, it involves me in a room with about six girls in a circle around me. I don’t think you need to be Alfred Einstein to figure out what happens next. In case you are that stupid, it involves a lot of body fluids and spinning around in circles. It’s a lot like being in the first few rows of a killer whale show at Sea World.
I don’t have a problem with Tulsa using the name Golden Hurricane. If anything it puts a smile on my face when I am feeling down. I just want people to be aware of the other, and only true meaning, for this term. They can try to make it into some cutesy little mascot that shows up at halftime and shoots t-shirts from an air cannon. Yet, we all know the true version originated in the upstairs den of Dave McClusky’s house in the summer of 73’. I still owe him money for dry cleaning.

Guess who shit the bed?

NBC. I have been reading the periodicals this morning and the resounding review of the new American Gladiators. Basically, everyone thinks it licks balls. Like huge sweaty fly infested donkey balls dipped in bile, and that’s being nice about it. As I have stated before I have a personal problem with the American Gladiator show in general, but I won’t let it interfere with my honest opinion of the show. First thing that needs to be changed are the hosts. The Hulkster and Layla Ali are just not the men for the job. I think you need to bring a silver voiced pimp like Bob Barker out of retirement or just have a announcer over the PA system (like the guy from movie previews that starts every thing with “In a time/ land/ world…”). Next up, they need to have more consequences for when people fail an event. If you lose in joust you fall into water. Oh, how embarrassing! How about filling that water with piranhas and alligators? I am sure as shit you are going to get a lot more effort out of people that way. Essentially, I am saying add something to each event that makes it life threatening. Finally, please stop making the gladiators dance, howl, or all wear mascara. I know that the guys that play the female gladiators have to use it to make them look feminine but I think it is okay if the other guys don’t wear it. It helps me to differentiate. Anyways, all I can say is that I would have been a much better contestant or gladiator had I been given a chance. Although, I would have made a request to wear my old sweatsuit instead of those tight fancy lad outfits.

Murp! Tsk Tsk

You did it again you son of a bitch. That is the last time I let you house sit for me. Who in their right mind would do that on the living room carpet? I don’t care if that is the only way that you can “get off.” I think that it is time you learned some manners my friend. I have worked with you through many tough times in the past, but I think you may have taken it a bit too far this time. I have no idea why you have to involve so many fluids into a sex act, but all I can say is that my carpet looks like an early Pollack right now. The thing is that I like you Murp. You brighten up my day, and your knowledge of the world knows no bounds, but when you bring home three homeless prostitutes and redecorate my carpet, I have to draw the line.

P.S. The cleaning bill is in the mail.