A little something for the ladies

Last week I posted some scorching hot pictures as a way to lure people to this blog. Guess what? It worked. Then I got to thinking and realized that I had completely neglected the ladies and men who crave some hot man meat. I want you to be able to read about me having diarrhea at the DMV too. So without any further ado check out this little treasure trove of pictures and try not to get too riled up. I had to drink three frescas in order to finish this post I was so hot and bothered.

Have a good time at the DMV dickwad

I took the advice of Skinny Stewart and decided that I would torture Wednesday by sending him to the DMV. Seriously, a DMV visit is something I would only wish upon my worst enemies. I can confidently say that for each time I go to the DMV there has been a negative experience associated with it. Some of the more unfortunate incidents include;

Getting close to the front of the line and having explosive diarrhea kick in(I held it).

Watch a deadbeat haggle with the lady at the counter about why he can’t move forward with his car registration because he has unpaid child support (he looked like Bob Ross the painter but I don’t think he knew how to paint happy trees).

Dealing with the lady at the counter right after the deadbeat.

Listening to a thuggish young man haggle about speaker and rim prices with his “shorty” the entire time I was in line.

The diarrhea thing was really bad.

So I can only hope that Wednesday comes down with a case of the scoots when I send him down to the DMV today. Maybe this will make Wednesday take things easier on me and make itself somewhat bearable. Right now he is not off to a good start.

Just stop it already

I got an email from my friend Nad Nad yesterday. Mondays tend to have a contemplative effect on us all and yesterday was no exception. Nad Nad’s thought for the day;

so i just realized i have a new pet peeve:

people who say "cheers" at the end of calls instead of "good bye" or "later" or "smell you later" or put it at the end of their emails, replacing thanks, or regards.


This dude that sits by me says it with every call and puts it in every email and he isnt even british or irish. if he were, i could maybe undersand. maybe. but he isnt.

i have a white board in my cube and today i started to count the times he used cheers on just calls. im up to 11. im going to kill him before the week is over

The restraint you have shown by not killing him already is astounding(we get it “cheers” guy…you’re the life of the party…cool as an island breeze and always ready to have a beer). I think that I would have tried to boobie trap his cube with a mine or perhaps a swinging log with spikes on it. I would imagine though that Nad Nad is buying his time until he can inflict a grizzly end to somebody like that, and if I know Nads it’s going to involve a samurai sword and some ninja stars. Any other types of quirks bothering you people?

My thoughts on the Oscars

I watched the annual hand job tournament called the Oscars last night and I actually watched the whole thing. Most of that had to do with the money I put into a pool betting on who would win the awards. By the time I realized that I would not be winning they were giving out the award for best movie. Since I did watch the whole show and I thought I would share my feelings about the show (I know that is why everyone woke up this morning);

They need to sexy the Oscars up, enough with the fancy clothes and jewelry. It should be bikinis and high heels for the ladies with some obvious exceptions (I’m looking at you Meryl Streep).

There needs to be more beef. Jennifer Aniston has the perfect chance to call Angelina Jolie out and she does nothing? It would have been like the Source awards if I was up on that stage and one of my enemies was in the crowd. Aniston – “Yeah Yeah. Fuck jolie. Fuck Pitt. Fuck yo kids. Real talk son. Death Row for life. WESTSIDE!”

Not one lifetime achievement award for Van Damme.

There isn’t even an action movie category. If there was Deathrace would have won it.

Beyonce has got to go. Somewhere out there people are still paying her to act and it makes no sense to me. She should have quit after Foxy Cleopatra. The point of making sure she sang a few bars of “At Last” by Etta James to reference her work portraying her made my angries come out.

Where was Jack Nickolson?

Trying to get younger people into the Oscar’s? That can be the only explanation for the Miley Cyrus attendance. Next year Dora the Explorer and Blues Clues will be interviewed by Tim Gunn.


More cha cha cha, less razzle dazzle Mr. Jackman

Philip Seymore Hoffman had an awesome beanie, nobody else rocked a hat like that.

JAI HO is my new favorite song.

I need to watch the movies that are up for awards if I am going to bet again next year.

This dog and I share similar interests

Rawwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrr

It has come to my attention that a way to drive more people to your site is pictures of women. While I am not sure this works I am going to give it a try anyways. I went into my secret stash and pulled out a few of my favorites. If it gets to hot for you open a window and think about baseball.

We started the Brotherhood

Just the other day I received a letter from my cousin Chuck Destruction. When he's not playing basketball for pocket money he's usually cutting someone up for mentioning the name Chuck Norris. As far as he is concerned there should only be one Chuck. It's a lot like Highlander in that regard. Anyways, he sent me a letter to talk about some injustices in the world and how we are getting left with the short end of the stick when it comes to a gang. A gang we started!

I started watching this show on History Channel ‘Gangland’ because I thought there would be some good pictures of me with my pals messing around killing dragons with our bare hands and the like, but all I see are these so-called biker gangs like the Mongols, Pagans, Outlaws and the Hells Angels. Where is the Brotherhood? The gang we started and the focus of one of cinemas most shining moments, 1991’s Stone Cold starring none other than Brian Bosworth. In it the Boz has to infiltrate the Brotherhood to try and take them down and to stop them from assassinating the district attorney. That’s what I like my biker gang to do, not only drug dealing, strong arming, pimping or intra gang rivalry, but assassinating bureucrats, that is ballsy. This is also the movie in which Boz makes a milk shake for his monitor lizard that contains;

Whole King Size Snickers Bar
3 Eggs (crack open eggs and empty contents, then throw the shell in)
Tab (honestly have no idea where to find that)
Banana
Tabasco
Pepto Bismal
Tequila



The best part of this movie is when the gangs leader Chains walks into the state capitol dressed as a priest. This guy is wanted all over the state and gets into the capitol because he shaved his beard and dressed like a priest, absolutely brilliant. Nobody even expected him to be armed to the teeth. The guy seriously crashes into a trial on a Harley and starts shooting up the place, Arnold Schwarzenegger eat your heart out. I hope that these other biker gangs can get their shit together and learn from the best.

Truer words have never been spoken. Thats just how our gang does business. The Brotherhood is a gang you don't want to mess with. The movie may have shed light on many illicit activities that the gang participates in but we knew that would happen when we signed the contracts. It just looks like the movie may have made people think the Brotherhood isn't real. I need to send this letter off to the History channel so that I can do one of those interviews in the dark with the voice manipulator. Brotherhood for life.

You asked for it you peice of shit

This post is in regards to the wonderful method of torture inspired by the 5thyear in last weeks comments section for Too hot for you?

Step 1) Make him shit in a bucket. Check

Step 2) Spoon his own shit into his mouth but tell him not to swallow.Check

Step 3) Put Pulp Fiction type ball gag over mouth. Check

Step 4) Make him play the board game operation and every time he buzzes he gets a whiff of smelling salts causing him to gag on his own shit.Check


Would you like to see bad things happen to Wednesday? Send me an email and let me know.

A dream that will haunt me forever

If you’re like me you love Rock of Love (you’re also like me if you have a penis down to your knee a pet unicorn and a lifetime pass to Knott’s Berry Farm). I have watched closely as Brett Michaels has tried in vain to find true love as he rocks his cock off across America. Why he can’t find love with women of such high moral character and intelligence is beyond me? However, I think it may be time for me to stop watching this show. I had a dream about Rock of Love this weekend that has shaken me to my core.

The dream started as if it was the typical end to a normal Rock of Love episode. All of the ladies are in their finest hooker garb and making whorish puppy dog eyes. It felt so real that I almost was waiting to hear some girl explain that she’s worried Brett might eliminate her because she had not taken the initiative to blow him when she had a chance. Otherwise, everything else is normal. Big John is even there with the passes. Then Brett comes out. HOLY SHIT JESUS TESTICALS FUCK COCK. Brett has just come out without wearing a hat or a bandana and he looks like Jet Li in Once Upon a Time in China.

He seriously looked just like that. I woke up like it was a nightmare. I had a cold sweat all over my body. It was terrifying. I tried to push it far from my mind and returned to bed. I had almost completely forgotten about it until I was flipping through the channels and came to this week’s episode of Rock of Love. All I could think of was this…

I never want to dream again.

True Poetry

Valentines day is upon us and I thought I would try to get in the spirit. I may not be the most romantic person but I think I know a heartfelt sentiment when I see one. From the Mother Teresa of Boning;

What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

Happy Valentines Day. Watch out for STD's.

What have I done to the people of Utah and Delaware?

Lately I have been playing around with the analytics program from google. It allows you to see different metrics about your blog all for the extremely low price of free. One of the cooler features is that you can see which state the visitor of your blog comes from. I managed to find a way to look at the past year and what states those visitors hail from. The only states that did not have a visitor were Delaware and Utah. What did I do to you guys? Did I say something I shouldn’t have? That is why I am pulling out all the stops and asking you the reader to help me find someone from these states to read my blog.
I will do whatever it takes in order for this to happen. Some of the things I will do include;

Having both the Utah and Delaware state flags tattooed on each ass cheek.

Trying out polygamy

Stop referring to Utah’s state outline as boring and unimaginative

Move to Provo

Get a tattoo of a Ladybug (Delaware’s State Bug)

Start rooting for the Jazz

Stop listening to Jazz

Not laugh during the part in Wayne’s World were they make fun of Delaware

Stop swearing so gosh dang much

If these don’t work I am going to have to drive out to one of these states and visit the site myself. Please don’t make me do that. I can’t stand long trips and my explosive diarrhea has been acting up again.

Too hot for you?

Well it is going to get a lot hotter you son of a bitch!

They need to make another Ghost Dad

Why has this not happened yet? They do movie remakes in Hollywood all the time. I feel like that is the only thing they are doing in Hollywood right now. You may ask, “Burt what about The Wrestler and Gran Torino?” Well, The Wrestler is a rip-off of Tag Team staring Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Gran Torino was a re-imagining of Cannonball Run 2. So no idea is really a new idea. That’s why I think it is a great time to remake this movie before Bill Cosby becomes the big Huxtable in the sky. I have just the plan to do it too.

Basically, we have Bill Cosby return as Ghost Dad and make a bunch of silly faces as he scares his grandchildren into getting better grades at school. The only catch is that we change the name of the movie to Ghost Grandad. BAM! They can’t print money fast enough for people to see that movie. You’re welcome Hollywood.

Always take a good cock picture

This past week I read the story of Anthony Stancl and his nefarious plan to blackmail people on facebook into participating in sex acts with him. From the AP;

MILWAUKEE — An 18-year-old U.S. student is accused of posing as a girl on Facebook, tricking at least 31 male classmates into sending him naked photos of themselves and then blackmailing some for sex acts.

After I read this story I immediately felt bad about how these poor young men had been duped. Imagine that you are a young high school student that only cares about sex, food, and acne prevention. If some girl comes on to you and tells you that she wants a shot of the goods, of course you would be all for it. It’s almost like an application to bone. However, it is here that we disconnect.

If I am sending out a picture of myself naked it is going to look good, real good. I would plan that sooner or later this picture is going to get distributed to the public. That’s why I would take the time to focus on lighting and a nice set in which to take the pictures. Maybe I would even play around with costumes like cowboy or astronaut. I think I would also have taken the time to do some sit ups and a little manscaping before taking pictures of my cock to send to some girl I met over the internet. Why? Because you never know when some guy could be blackmailing you for sex, that’s why.

These kids must have taken some really bad cock pictures if they would be willing to have a sexual encounter with somebody of the same sex when all they wanted was a lady. If they had taken the time to take a good picture I assume that they would have told old Anthony to fuck off and make sure that when he publishes the photo to not doctor it because you have copies at home. That, or these guys do like boys and the joke is on Anthony.

I think that the lesson here is to take pride in everything you do in life, especially when it comes to taking pictures of your cock for somebody on the internet.

It's friday afternoon

Almost time for it

NEEEEEERRRRRRRDDDDD!!!!!!

From the comment section of Try Burtosil ;

I thought turrets where something on houses.....you know, those round things that are hooked to houses, a form of architecture. Or maybe turrets had something to do with guns. Or maybe I remember turrets having to do with something electronic, boards or something, but a disease?? oh, by jove could you be thinking of tourette syndrome?

Actually nerd, I was talking about Turrets. It’s when people have gigantic house like structures grow out of their shoulders. It makes it almost impossible to wear any clothes besides tank tops. How dare you insult this small percent of people with your obvious lack of knowledge? Furthermore, I bet if you have enough time to go around and play grammar wizard on people’s blogs you have little time for important things like lifting weights and having sexy time with the ladies. I bet you can’t even bench press the bar. AND I bet you think a dumbbell is an insult. AND I bet you have never felt the tender embrace of 5 women trying to bring you to the greatest ecstasy man has ever felt. AND I bet you think unicorns aren’t real and that Chlamydia is a soup. Thanks for reading but try to educate yourself a bit more, nerd.

Big shout out to POPT for bringing the thunder.

Try Burtosil

Feeling down and in the dumps? Have health problems stopped you from leading a normal life? Can’t take a crap unless you drink a bottle of prune juice? Well, worry no more. Introducing Burtosil, the new and improved wonder drug made in an Alhambra machine in the basement of my house. This drug is able to cure the common cold but so much more than that. Burtosil can help you treat;

Runny nose
Fever
Anal leakage
Impotence
Syphilis
Testicular inflammation
Depression
Not being able to pee
Peeing way to much
Herpes
Bed Sores
Sleeping
Turrets
Bleeding Gums

All that and in some cases it has proven to increase male genitalia size and turn your bowel movements into gold. So what are you waiting for? Change your life and talk with your doctor today about Burtosil.

Side effects include all of the items listed above, night terrors, constant itching, bad breath, hair bugs, soupy farts, and death.

Phelps smokes bammer

You know Phelpsie doesnt have his hands on the good stuff. I would put good money on him coughing into bong and murphing the bowl about a second from this picture being taken. Might want to rethink that role model thing buddy. No child should try and copy this technique.

Friday Question

Have you ever drank a cup of coffee so strong that when you peed it smelled like farts? No? Yeah, me neither, I was just asking.

The Snuggie is for mouth breathers

I am sick and fucking tired of all of you assholes claiming that the snuggie is the second coming of Jebus or Mothra. It isn’t. The sunggie is a blanket with arm holes and nothing else. Let me ask you something if you really want a snuggie. Do you have a blanket at home? Do you own a pair of scissors? If yes, then you already own a snuggie. Do me a favor. If you really want to treat yourself to something both comfortable and practical to be a snuggly piece of shit with go with the one piece footed pajamas that this gentleman is wearing below.

They also work as a great outfit for Ninja Raids

I just started playing World of Warcraft...for real

I am not a rich man by any means. To be quite honest I make just enough to cover my rent, food, and unhealthy liquor obsession. It doesn’t leave much room for other expenses such as heat or toilet paper. That is why I had been feeling pretty left out recently because I can not purchase the game World of Warcraft (WoW). It is mostly because I don’t have the money to buy the game and pay its monthly dues, but also because I don’t own a computer, and I guess you kind of need one of those. Turns out that you really do need to have the game on your own computer as public libraries and coffee shops have explained to me ad nauseam that I cannot install it on theirs. So with a heavy heart I looked for another way to experience this growing culture and I found it. I have started playing WoW for real.

Now I don’t want to confuse this with Live Action Role Playing
or other variations thereof. I do something completely different and let me explain. What I typically end up doing is I will drive out to a very secluded area that is far from the bright lights of the city. Typically, I like to go deep into the woods where animals will be my only companions. With me I will bring all types of medieval clothing (from my days in the renaissance fair, don’t ask) and a lot of swords and weapons (those are from killing people who come on my property). Once I have taken the time to pack up all of my belongings I take drugs. I take a SHITLOAD of drugs. Recently, I have been using a combination of acid, ecstasy, mushrooms and the tranquilizers they use on small animals. I will take this combo and hike out into the woods for the day. You never know what type of adventure is going to happen. Just last week I fought an Ogre to the death and swam in a pool with freshwater mermaids. However, when I replay the day after I have come down it was more like I fought a tree for a half hour and then fell in a creek where a fish swam up my ass. That aside it is a magical adventure and I think that if you have some time you should join me. My name is Burticus and I rule the wooded glen.

GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!

That is all.

That’s a badass tombstone

Over the past weekend a tragic event took place at a monster truck jam in Madison, Wisconsin. From the AP;

The Dane County Coroner says 41-year-old George Eisenhart Jr. of Chardon, Ohio, died after the accident on Saturday night in Madison. A witness tells the Wisconsin State Journal that Eisenhart walked out in front of one of the monster trucks just as it was about to pass by.

This is not a very positive story but I thought I would take a moment to share my thoughts. The first thing that I thought was that this is extremely sad. No one should have their life cut short so early and in such a freak way. The second thing I thought about was The Royal Tenenbaums and how after Gene Hackman passes away in the end they have a shot of his tombstone that reads;

Royal Tenenbaum died rescuing his family from a destroyed sinking battleship

Of course in the movie he had died from a heart attack but he wanted to have an epitaph that people would take note of. If George Eisenhart Jr. can take any solace from his untimely death, whilst watching the big monster truck jam in the sky, it is that he will most likely have one of the most badass graves of all time.

HERE LIES GEORGE EISENTHART JR.
KILLED BY A FUCKING MONSTER TRUCK
DIED DOING WHAT HE LOVED

Damn I love Friday

To show Friday how much it means to me I would like to write it a real sexy R and B jam sung by a group like Boyz II Men. You know it would start off real slow with maybe some synchronized thumb snapping. Then in comes a little piano a lot of base and a tiny bit of drums to start that slow sexy beat. The kind of music you make babies in the rain to. Anyways, you get the group to start humming in the background and you have the short fat guy in the group with glasses start laying down verbal sex. You know it’s kind of like he is telling a story about how he did Friday wrong and that he now realizes the error of his ways. Then it’s back up to a chorus with all the guys singing again. They all sing together and maybe awkward skinny guy taking it to some high notes with unintelligible jargon that sounds real dirty. Something like;

OOOOOhhhh BABAY OOOOH GIRL KNAw PULISSSSSSSE

After that comes the most important part to the song. This is when the quiet guy with the super deep voice comes in and just talks for a minute of song time while everybody claps their hands. He doesn’t really talk about anything in particular. Rather he just hypnotizes you with the depth of his voice and the constant use of the phrases “you know it’s true girl” and “take a moment to see what I am feeling.” After that you bring it back up for one more chorus and have the awkward guy take it to crazy heights and then fade out the same way you came in. BAM. Friday’s all moist and I just won a grammy.

Advice from Coach Finstock of Teen Wolf

There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

Max Payne: As reviewed by this man

Do me a favor. Go see Max Payne right now or you are a total dooche. That was by far the greatest movie of all time. If it doesn’t win best everything at the Oscar’s this year I will fucking take my shirt off and fight some one right there. Don’t think I’ll do it? Fuck you! First off, Mark Walhberg is the fucking balls in this movie. He’s always wearing this sweet fucking leather trenchcoat and he is strapped to the fucking hilt with guns and all types of karate moves. So anyways, the movie starts with him trying to find somebody who knows where the people are that killed his wife. He is at this fucking queer rave party trying to get answers. He isn’t there to dance or listen to any of that faggot shit. He is there to get answers. He has all these broads all over him and he could totally fuck them if he wanted to but that isn’t his style. Plus he still wants to get the motherfuckers that killed his wife. Anyways, a bunch of shit happens and the cops think Mark is dirty, but he isn’t. He keeps trying to get answers but all these drug addicts are fucking dying and he can’t figure out why. I am not gonna ruin it but Mark eventually finds out what happens and then all fucking hell breaks loose. He gets like forty fucking guns and goes batshit on these fucking guys in one final shootout. Boom! Shotgun blasts two jerkoffs through an elevator. BAM! Makes a private security team into swiss cheese. Makes them look like fucking boy scouts. Mark is so fucking hard he doesn’t even wear a fucking bullet proof vest. Pansies wear bullet proof vests. I don’t want to ruin it but there are some great surprises in the end. Do me one more favor, and I am not asking, I’m telling. See this movie before everyone in America buys all the VHS copies from the video store.

There is a new sheriff in town

One of the companies that I work for was nice enough to take some time off from firing people and cutting costs to allow the employees to watch Obama’s inauguration. I have to say that it was a very moving moment for both America and humanity in general. I think that we are looking at a bright new future with this man as our leader. That being said, I definitely had some thoughts come into my head as I watched our 44th president deliver his speech.

Yo-Yo Ma. Seriously? You could have any band in the world come and play and you pick Yo-Yo Ma. I am not debating this man’s musical talent but if I had a choice I would have had Kool and the Gang come down and play “Celebration.”

Where is Guliani’s kid when you need him? You have a lot to learn Sasha and Malia Obama.

No reaction shots of Dubya? I just was waiting for them to swing the camera by him and he is playing a gameboy or wearing the glasses with open eyes drawn on them.

Fireworks. When I become president there are going to be a shitload of fireworks.

George Bush 1.0. Did you see him wearing the fur trapper hat? What the hell does he have under that thing anyways? I am sure that it was some gift from Gorbachev back in the 80’s but still a little too much. I would imagine that people with that type of money take their brain in to get it rewired once a year and the hat is a good way of concealing the scars.

It didn’t look like there were many snacks out there in the audience.

All in all it was a momentous event and I look forward to seeing Obama fulfill his duty as our president.

Demolition Man = Window to the Future?

Last night I was at home flipping through the channels when I came upon one of 1993’s biggest action films, Demolition Man. This movie gave us a look at what life will be like in San Angeles (Los Angeles) 60 years from now. It is a pretty fantastical imagination of what we can expect in our future. From having Taco Bells as every restaurant to using three sea shells as a means of cleaning up after going to the bathroom, this movie really made some bold predictions. The scary part is that they may be true.
At a certain point in the movie Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) has broken out of the cryogenic lab where they freeze the prisoners. He was unfrozen for a parole hearing. I know it’s ridiculous but bear with me. In the next scene the police are trying to figure who would have broken out of the lab that day and they start going through the records of criminals that had parole hearings. Right before they get to Simon Phoenix the prisoner who had a hearing before him comes up on the list. It is Scott Peterson, the guy who killed his wife and unborn child, an all around piece of shit. At first I laughed at the coincidence and then I started to get scared.
What if Demolition Man can predict the future? What if all the things that this movie prophesizes will come true? If that is the case I had a few thoughts;

If there is a family that has the last name Phoenix and they name their child Simon and he happens to be a black child with blonde hair we might want to keep some tabs on him. Maybe try to work on some positive reinforcement and nature camps.

We are going to have to figure out how these sea shells work. I don’t want to be the guy who is still using toilet paper. I think that in the future you would get a lot of shit for that.

Get used to having diarrhea. If all the restaurants are Taco Bells this does not bode well for my anus.

I should get all of the swear words out of my system or risk getting fines every time I say something. Cock, fuck, shit, damn, horsefucker.

Finally, if we can’t bump uglies in the future because we have to wear stupid sex helmets I will most likely just kill myself.

Good God, I hope that Demolition Man is not a window to our future.

A whole new world

Now this is a great idea . So many times I have sat in my office (shitter) and thought about how much work I am exactly doing. Well somebody must have felt the same way because as I live and breathe it does exist. I also imagine that this is a popular item for people with eating disorders and obsessive compulsive behaviors (“I shoot for between 1 and 1.2 pounds per movement whether I am finished or not”). Anyways, my order is in the mail and I look forward to the maiden voyage. The only thing I am concerned about is whether or not there is a seat heater on it.

If I don't come home after this weekend

You will know it is because I lost my life hunting the Abominable Snowman. I venture in to the cold to seek this beast’s pelt. Of course, I will be doing so only with a hunting knife and my wilderness preparedness kit (jack daniels, fresh underwear, cheese flavored goldfish, and a copy of Adventures of Assman 8). Wish me luck but also wish the Snowman luck, he is going to need it.

Rich People Club

Has anyone noticed the rash of Millionaires and Billionaires that have committed suicide lately? It seems that every other day CNN of FOX has a news story that talks about how some rich guy killed himself because he was losing considerable amounts of money in our current financial crisis. It seems that this is the only way that these people think they can get out. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously, you would rather kill yourself than face the possibility of getting rid of the house in Aspen and giving up on the idea of building that gigantic new garage to house all your vintage cars. It really makes me question what it is that the loss of money means to people like this. Would all the other rich people make fun of you? Does the air not smell as sweet when you dip below the Billion Net worth mark? I keep trying to think of a way to explain what is happening and after careful thought I could only come up with one theory. Rich people have a secret club.
When you get to a certain level of affluence you become eligible to join the rich person club. Most likely, the headquarters for this club is located on some uninhabited island or is some type of ice fortress. At this place all the rich people have exotic animals that man has never seen, this includes dinosaurs, bigfoots and unicorns. Everyone has access to UFO’s to fly into space. You can eat ice cream for breakfast and have eggs for dinner. I would also imagine that there are no rules and plenty of servants to go around, most likely some sort of monkey butler. Seriously, there has to be something like that because you wouldn’t kill yourself for being less rich. Right?

Greatest insult of all time?

I get into shit with people all the time. Why? Because I am an ornery old cuss that’s why! Whether it’s arguing about the price of stamps or waiting in line for a public restroom disagreements are bound to come up. When one tends to get in these situations it helps to have insults to punctuate the point that is being made. They also add fuel to the fire if you want the disagreement to venture into fisticuffs (I usually do because of my unhealthy bloodlust). This morning I was reading a very informative article from Joe Eskenazi of SFweekly that talks about the rise of douchebag as a major derogatory term in the lexicon of American insults. However, he takes it one step further and drops this knowledge nugget about his findings on international insults that carry some serious weight. His findings are as follows;

Yet among those who study profanity for a living, the douchebag is kid stuff. Reinhold Aman of Cotati publishes Maledicta “the international journal of verbal aggression.” He rattles off a series of curses that knock the vinegar out of douchebag:
“I shit in the beard if your father” (Persia); “Your mother’s milk is camel piss” (the Arab world); “Your parents have diseased genitals” (Ghana); and “I fuck the soul of your dead mother” (Serbian Gypsies). He hesitates before revealing the most vile, horrific curse he’s ever come across, a lament from Hungary’s peasantry: “Oh God, stop slapping me with your cock all covered with shit from fucking Jesus.”


Now THAT is an insult. To think that for years I have been using words like dipshit, fuckhole, and pederass to get under peoples skin. This article has opened a whole new world to me. I feel like I have a new wind beneath my wings upon which I can fly into the verbally abusive skies much higher than ever before.

Fan Mail

I received the following email and picture in regards to the post It is almost a New Year from last week;

My resolution is to stop reading your posts.

p.s. Don't worry about challenging yourself... you're "challenged" enough already!


Ohhh BURN!!

Top Trend of 2009: Body Slams

It is a new year my friends and I can’t be more excited. A new year means that we have a clean slate in front of us. Out with the old and in with the new, or so they say. I can safely say that this year’s trends have not had any time to establish themselves but I have a pretty good idea what some of them might be. If you will humor me here are some trends I see happening in 2009;

Old people doing drugs
This past year the talk centered on Senior citizens and their foray into new types of activities like playing the Wii and not shitting themselves in public. It is only a matter of time before these old timers become wise to another type of fad that has swept the youth culture of America, DRUGS! It makes perfect sense. Here are a bunch of people with tons of time on their hands and the disposable income to maintain that type of habit. I would get used to seeing a bunch of bleary eyed blue hairs checking out the latest Pixar film for the fifth time while decimating the popcorn supply at your local theatre. The scariest thing is that they already have tons of access to meds and with a little creativity and sharing our older generations will be flying high in ’09.

Backwards hats
I don’t know when this phenomenon died but it is surely up for resurrection in ’09. The style of late is to barely wear the hat on your head at all. Well, I am wearing my hat backwards right now and it looks dope. I am also contemplating that keeping the tags on the hat may make a comeback in conjunction with the backward style.

Sweatpants
They are going to become the new dress casual at work places across the country.

Sandwiches
I really feel that this might be the year for sandwiches to top burritos as the go to lunch time or dinner grind. Burritos are delicious but they have enjoyed their time in the sun for far too long. I base most of this argument on the fact that I have found Ike's Place , which has the greatest sandwiches I have ever eaten in my life. Sorry burrito.

Body Slams
This is my top trend for ’09. Over the years the body slam has become a lost art. It is a devastating way to end any argument and the hurt that it throws down is palpable. I just know that in regards to body slams I will be THE trend setter this year.
Having a problem settling the bill with friends?
BODY SLAM
Still trying to lose that extra 10 pounds you have been talking about for a while?
BODY SLAM
Don’t want to pay your bills?
BODY SLAM
Sick and tired of that douchebag at the office who walks around with an air of superiority because they think that they run the place?
TOP ROPE BODY SLAM!

You get the point.

Let me know what you think your trends for 09’ will be.