Thoughts for the weekend

Well I for one am not sure. I seem to always get this way before the weekend rolls around. It’s not that I don’t have things to do, because I do. The problem is to make the choice and live with it. For instance, last weekend I decided that going down a ski jump on a Segway with a parachute was going to be fun. Turns out that the Segway just doesn’t have enough speed to get down the jump and provide the rider with any type of launch trajectory. I felt bad because I could have gone to an all day bungee jumping competition. I won the contest a few years back and felt like I had stayed away long enough to let some other people win. I thought why not give those wieners another year and try this Segway thing. Boy was I wrong. That’s why this weekend I am going to do something that I know will be an adventure.

I am going to get shit-faced drunk.

As you are reading this, I am having my first drink of the weekend. I like to start with an Irish coffee to get me started. The mix of whiskey and caffeine sends a message to the entire body that today is going to be a test of heroes. I will probably have two of those before I get into my early morning calisthenics (give myself and HJ in the shower / play a perfect game of darts). Next up, I think it will be time to leave the house and head out to greener pastures.

I like to head to a bar where you can spit on the floor and people don’t mind a little foul language at 11 in the morning. I will start with a shot of whiskey and a pint of their strongest ale. If they don’t serve beer I will have two shots of whiskey. After playing pool or getting into a bar fight I think I will head to the local liquor store and pick up some 40oz’s, kool aid, and night train. After I mix up the blood juice I think I will walk to a local park. I like to mix it up with the locals by commentating on their choice of dogs or asking them why they aren’t at work at this time of the day. People always seem to answer that question with the same question, to which I reply “BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BLAA BLAHHHHHHHHHH!” Once I have finished my “park” drinks I think it is time to head to the local sports bar.

I don’t care what game is playing. I just want two fingers of whiskey and a six pack of Pabste. Usually, when I watch the games at the bar I find the team that most people are rooting for and root for the other team. This leads to more bar fights or perhaps an intelligent conversation regarding the merits of both teams systems, most of the time it is bar fights. By this time I will have worked up quite an appetite for dinner. Notice how I didn’t eat lunch. If you don’t eat lunch you are going to be a lot drunker by the time dinner rolls around.

I will probably go to a fancy steak house and have a bottle of white before dinner. Before dessert I will have finished my post steak bottle of red, and after dessert I will have a glass of port, or something fancy like that. After all that drinking I think it is safe to say it is time to go to the strip clubs. I like to be extremely drunk and broke by the time I get into the strip club. That way I sober up a bit while these single moms work for my attention. After a few songs it is finally time to head home for the night. If I am lucky I will be taken home by one of the strippers or a limo driver. Its more likely that I will fall asleep in an alley and walk home the next morning. That is just part of the adventure of drinking on the weekend. If I make it out alive I will tell you all about it on Monday.