You guys are a bunch of sissies

For those of you who follow sports this is a momentous day. In a few hours the Mitchell report will be delivered. Senator George Mitchell will present his findings on his 2 year investigation of steroid use in Major League Baseball. The part of this report that has received the most attention is that some 50-70 players are to be named as steroid users. Many have speculated as to the type of big names that could be mentioned in this report. You know what I think? That anybody who used steroids is a gigantic vagina.

What ever happened to the days of old? When did we start to eschew the typical training techniques that worked for years? I’ll tell you what happened. People got soft. I remember when people used to chop down trees with their bare hands in order to get a better upper body workout. Did you need some more power and stamina in those legs? Well the old way used to be to strap that tree that you chopped down on to your back and run up a snow covered mountain. Yes, I came up with that well before Stallone used it in Rocky 4. No, I did not have a fake beard or listen to “Hearts on Fire” as I did it. Now all these pro athletes have all these fancy smancy diets that go along with their illegal supplements. When I was younger, my diet before a workout included the following;

A dozen eggs
One raw steak
A pint of Jack Daniels
1 apple

I would take those ingredients and put them into a blender to make a smoothie, but back then we didn’t call them smoothies. We called them death shakes. After that I would actually go out and train. It didn’t really matter what type of exercise was involved. Whether it was deep sea whale hunting, or pulling train cars up a steep hill without the tracks, I was doing work. This is not what I can say for these bums.

This report will have a major effect on the history of these players’ careers, a stain on the statistics and records that have been accomplished over the years. Regular blue collar guys like myself, will have their records taken by cheaters. It is sad to know that many careers will be tarnished over the use of these “wonder drugs.” It is even sadder to imagine the tiny testes of these men, while mine continue to have the problem of dipping into the toilet water when I crap.