Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I cook my turkey in SPACE...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and you know what that means.....alcohol fueled comas. That, and for many, a turkey.... or if you really have some stones, some of you assholes are going to buy a Turducken and let the rest of us wallow in self pity. My focus is on the preparation of that delicious bird, not whether or not there are more birds stuffed in it. Many of you will fall into the same pathetic groups that we see year in year out, while I have found the new and only way to do it. Do you like to cook the Turkey in the oven and let it bake for a few hours? Please don't bore me with your hopelessness. Why don't you just get an easy bake oven and make dessert for us in that afterwards? Do you think that deep frying is the way to go? Wrong! Although this option takes a bit more skill and affinity for grease burns, you are mistaken. Are you a vegitarian? STOP reading this right now. There is only one true way to cook a turkey....


Every year I do two things during the summer. I get a list of all the people that are coming over for dinner on thanksgiving. This is in order to allocate the appropriate amount of meat for each guest. If Chuck Norris is coming, I add another turkey. Once I have the weight down I begin step two, building the turkey shuttle. I have a blueprint for the shuttle that I can adjust depending on how many turkeys are to be stacked in it. The hardest part is making the fuel for the shuttle. Without giving away too many trade secrets I can say the fuel is a mixture of bathtub gin, yaegermeister, and peach schnapps. Coincidentally, that is the same thing I drink before I head out for more drinks. Anyways, the shuttle gets launched from my backyard on the fourth of July. I find that people are far to intoxicated or distracted by fireworks to notice the shuttle leave our atmosphere, or the brush fires it creates. As my homemade shuttle rips through space towards the Sun I focus on other matters through the months. Mostly push-ups and counting my enormous amounts of money. The shuttle goes all the way to the Sun, and just before it makes impact I turn it around using the RC remote attached to it. I find that turning the shuttle around at the Sun cooks the turkey best. As the turkey heads back to earth it cools to a manageable heat and forms a deliciously golden skin. Space skin. The touchdown date is on the day before Thanksgiving to allow for prep time. Which reminds me that I have to go, because I have not filled up the kiddie pool for landing, and I see a burning object entering our atmosphere.
Happy Thanksgiving.

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