Thursday, January 31, 2008

Journey to the center of the Earth my ass

My friend Conor sent me this movie poster a week ago and I am still trying to figure it out. Unlike many of you I have actually been to the center of the earth, and it looks nothing like this. Now I understand that Hollywood has to make movies that are interesting and visually appealing, but you don’t have to make it look this stupid. The center of the earth is a lot dirtier than what this poster implies, and it is also hot as fuck down there. It’s the kind of heat that makes you feel like your wearing a wet swimsuit for underwear. What I am trying to say is that going to the center of the earth is not easy. I had to make a large drilling machine out of the remnants of a tank and a 1976 Ford Pinto. What most people ask me about my trip to the center of the earth is, ‘did you go all the way to china?’ Yes I did. It wasn’t my first choice, but I just seemed to end up there. Do you want to know something? People in China are not very happy when an American made earth tunneling Pinto ends up breaching the grounds of Tiananmen Square. Not happy at all.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I have you in my sights

That's right you son of a bitch. For too long you have made my weeks horrible. It was only a matter of time until I had to dispose of you. My hate for you burns with the power of a thousand suns. I would keep your head on a swivel from now on if I were you. That or you just disappear forever. Your call asshole.

Monday, January 28, 2008

I am not buying it Brady

Nice try Thomas. You thought that you could trick me but you forgot that I am smart (insert New England spelling for smart, e.g. smaaat). This past week Tom Brady has been seen in many photos wearing a walking cast and has been absent from team workouts. Meanwhile, Bill Belichick has been noticeably tight lipped about his quarterback’s condition. The sports writing and broadcasting pundits from across America have all weighed in on what they think this means to the Patriots chances and the affect it will have on Brady’s game. Well I would like to weigh in what I think is going on. Nothing is wrong with Tom Brady, nothing at all. He probably doesn’t even have a high ankle sprain, that cast probably has liquor in it. You see Belichick comes from the Bill Parcell’s school of football, and this classic panzer strike move is something we have seen before. A time ago when the Tuna was coaching the Giants he faced a very successful Buffalo Bills team in the Super Bowl. In the weeks leading up to the game he praised the Bills and all the things that they could do as a football team. At the same time he was giving his players time to prepare, and letting LT smoke all the crack he could, while allowing the Bills organization to become full of itself. The Giants came into the game and punched the Bills in the mouth. The game was close but in the end the Giants prevailed. There is a little difference in the type of smoke being used by Belichick, but this is the same kind of situation. He has allowed everyone to focus on Tom Brady and his mystery leg injury while letting the rest of the team focus on the task at hand. I bet the second that Tom walks in the door of his house that boot is off and he is dancing around like Fred Astaire while his girlfriend makes him waffles in the nude. This is one of the most prepared quarterbacks in the game. I don’t think he is going to miss a few practices and lose his hold on the offense. If anyone thinks that Tom Brady is not going to be one hundred percent ready for this game this weekend you might be in for quite a letdown.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Fuck you Applebee's

Applebee’s has gone too far this time. Those assholes sent me a cease a desist order saying that I was no longer welcome in their restaurants. Every single restaurant that they own, even the ones in Mexico. I think that they should have just heard me out instead of getting the law involved. Is it too much for me to ask for my own shrine or wall of fame? I noticed in many of your commercials that you honor the local coach or teacher with a piece of history honoring their legacy and accomplishment. This usually means some sort of crappy picture or memento that symbolizes their contribution to the community. Why then will you not honor your local shark slaying, unicorn enthusiast? I understand that I may have been a little bit short with the staff in the past. That time that I passed out at the bar was an unfortunate event, and that hostess’s ass ran into my hand not the other way around. I guess the straw that broke the camels back though was my request for a shrine. Yes, I went to the bathroom on my table when I was informed of the decision to not put me on the wall of fame and no, I did not mean to make all the other patrons sick. Listen, I am over this whole wall of fame thing. I say let bygones be bygones and allow me to once again frequent your restaurants. I promise that I will never defecate on a table in anger again. Please? I am lost without your appetizer sampler, and Chili’s gives me number 3.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

It's all over Tom

I expect that by now most of you have seen the videos of Tom Cruise getting all mushy about being a Scientologist. If you haven’t you’re probably one of those hippie types that doesn’t believe in electricity, have a compost pile in your kitchen, and wash your clothes in a bath tub. Anyways, in the videos Tom explains the differences between scientologists and regular people. I was ashamed to find out that people who aren’t Scientologists don’t have the capacity to do as much. Well guess what Tom? I have a little something to tell you. Your career is over. That’s right pal. A few months from now you are going to be making Time Cop 2 because Van Damme passed on it. Straight to DVD my man.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Carmichael Corporation is coming out of the shadows

Long ago a few business men (not to be named) put together a small company that was to be known and not known, to be here and there at the same time, a shadow company. Carmichael Corporation first started as the world’s foremost supplier and developer of beatdowns in America. Business was good and continues to be good, but with any great company expansion is inevitable. Carmichael has started to put our hands into other types of business, and both profits and beatdowns are skyrocketing. I should know because I have held many titles within the company, and have watched its growth up close. Most recently, I have been named the Executive Vice President of Taking Over. My other titles have included Senior Team Lead of Body Bag Sales, Lead Analyst on Punching Power, and Janitor. Now I am not saying to go out and start purchasing Carmichael stock right now, you can’t. We haven’t gone public and we won’t until the time is right. Rather, I would like to issue a warning that has been approved by the people here at Carmichael;



Burt Destruction
Executive V.P. of T.0.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Bobby Fisher also died

But he was an anti-semetic bed wetting chess player. He gets no Burt love.

Wham-O R.I.P.

My friend Chris just passed this sad information on to me. Richard Knerr, a co-founder of the company that turned the Hula Hoop and Frisbee into beloved toys, has died. He also was the reason why we have the slip n slide and super frisbee. This man deserves a moment of science for helping children, hippies, and drunk college students with inventions that have stayed relevant for decades. You sir, are a true American hero.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Bootie Trap Docka Jones

After the rousing success that was last weeks roundhouse discussion, I have decided to raise another intellectual debate. Namely, if you had to use any type of booby trap to protect yourself what would you use and why? I always find myself drawn to the swinging spike log, as evidenced by my crude artistic depiction above. It has worked on many occasions, and it usually makes people shit themselves on impact. Please let me know your opinion below.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I have a plan to stop Britney Spears

This needs to stop. Someone has to put an end to this. People around the world are suffering and the biggest news most often seems to be Britney Spears and her impending mental breakdown/suicide/mountain dew commercial. Obviously, some of you people can’t get enough of her. Want to know something? I have had enough. So you can imagine my glee when I saw on the news that she had been taken from her home by police and placed in a mental hospital for evaluation. Thank god. They are going to have to keep her in there for a while. WRONG. They released her a day or two later and now she is back on the streets causing havoc. It is obvious that she craves attention and will go to any lengths to see that she is noticed. She can break the law and get away with it by paying her way out of it or spinning the truth with press releases. Basically, she can not be stopped, at least not by conventional standards. That is why I would like to apply a new tactic in getting Britney out of the public eye.

Remember that part in Jurassic Park 2 when they come back to the island to hunt and capture the dinosaurs. Well that stuff really happens. I have hunted and trapped many dinosaurs during my day using that type of machinery. I don’t know if it will work, but it is worth a try. I figure we can set a trap in downtown LA for her that she cannot avoid, something along the lines of free French fries or a baby giveaway. Once she has gotten to the target zone we will sound the hunt. She is prone to quick and aggressive movements so we will have to be quick and not make any mistakes. My guess is that she isn’t in the best cardio shape so if we take her car out of the equation and force her to run, the odds would be in our favor. I am pretty sure that we will be able to take her down with a high dosage of horse tranquilizers and a steel net gun. The only problem I see is all the ridiculous paparazzi around her. I figure we can just shoot them or run them over with the trucks, because nobody really cares about those people. They are like hookers. They have no souls. Once we have Britney in custody I would recommend the same Raptor enclosure that they used in the movie. It will be nice for her and us. She gets to eat a live cow everyday and lives in a pretty electric house. We don’t have to watch a self-absorbed, bipolar, attention whore make a fool of herself. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Visited the Snook’s beach house this weekend

I decided to get out of town this past weekend and head to my dear friend Benjamin Snook’s beach house. Bengie and I have been close for quite some time. We both attended Yardale were we had 4.0 grade point averages. It was as joint president of the student body were we became such close chums. After graduation Benjamin went into the world of finance while I moved into a world of adventure and death defiance. Yet, we still managed to keep our friendship by summering each year in Nantucket. So you can imagine my surprise when Benjamin called to invite me to the beach. I thought that he was calling about some IPO’s that we had discussed a few weeks prior. Instead it was an invitation to relax at his beach chalet for a few days. Needless to say I accepted. What a wonderful weekend. We dined on many fancy cheeses such as Kraft single slices and mozzarella sticks. The wine was delicious as well. If you haven’t already, please try Carlo Rossi and his bevy of delicious wines. We sat around the fire while Benjamin’s wife Linda played her harp for us. I barely had to lift a finger due to the Snook’s illegal alien wait staff. I don’t know how they do it, but Linda and Benjamin really have those people trained. I would imagine it is from severe beatings after mistakes have been made, or death threats. Anyhoo, I couldn’t have asked for a lovelier time. The only regret of the weekend is that the shark fishing wasn’t really up to par. Regardless, I would like to thank the Snooks for their generosity and taste for the finer things in life. Bravo!

Friday, January 11, 2008

So Mavericks is this weekend

Easy Warchild, seriously! We have once again come to that time of the year when one of surfings most talked about contests has gotten the green light. A long time ago I wrote about how I had surfed Mavericks before. It is definitely not as easy as it looks. However, I should mention that I surfed it during the fourty year storm and I was riding a taco bell tray. The thing that I don’t get is how surfing has not progressed in a long time. “But Burt,” you ask “aren’t people getting gnarlier all the time?” Of course they are. They are getting way gnarly broski. The thing is I am not talking about bigger waves, longer barrels and tons of fresh nugs. I am talking about competitions and their lack of pushing the limits. They are getting less gnarly, very less gnarly. Therefore, I thought I would put out some new ideas out there to “spice up” the competition;

• Transport Great Whites into the area and chum the surrounding water
• Put mines in the water at different locations
• Everyone has to surf in the nude
• Have people drop nets from helicopters above the waves
• Everyone has to ride Taco Bell trays while eating a 7 layer crunch rap

This is just me workshopping some ideas. I am open to suggestions but they had best be extreme, intense, and of course, gnarly.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Greatest roundhouse ever

I am a huge fan of the roundhouse kick. I have used it so many times in my lifetime that I received a lifetime achievement award from Roundhouse Monthly. My question to you is what is the greatest roundhouse of all time in cinema? For my money, it doesn't get any better than JCVD in bloodsport taking out Chong Lee. Please share your opinions, or don't.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I invented that

I was watching a college football game the other day and something caught my eye, then I got pissed off. It just so happens that the University of Tulsa’s team mascot is the Golden Hurricanes. I for one would like to call shenanigans on that. You see, back in the early seventies I was part of a crowd of people who, how do I say this tastefully? People who enjoyed to attend wild fuck parties where there were no inhibitions and pretty much anything went. This is why I am having a problem with Tulsa’s choice of a mascot. It just so happens that their mascot is a sex move that I patented on one of those fateful evenings long ago. Basically, it involves me in a room with about six girls in a circle around me. I don’t think you need to be Alfred Einstein to figure out what happens next. In case you are that stupid, it involves a lot of body fluids and spinning around in circles. It’s a lot like being in the first few rows of a killer whale show at Sea World.
I don’t have a problem with Tulsa using the name Golden Hurricane. If anything it puts a smile on my face when I am feeling down. I just want people to be aware of the other, and only true meaning, for this term. They can try to make it into some cutesy little mascot that shows up at halftime and shoots t-shirts from an air cannon. Yet, we all know the true version originated in the upstairs den of Dave McClusky’s house in the summer of 73’. I still owe him money for dry cleaning.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Guess who shit the bed?

NBC. I have been reading the periodicals this morning and the resounding review of the new American Gladiators. Basically, everyone thinks it licks balls. Like huge sweaty fly infested donkey balls dipped in bile, and that’s being nice about it. As I have stated before I have a personal problem with the American Gladiator show in general, but I won’t let it interfere with my honest opinion of the show. First thing that needs to be changed are the hosts. The Hulkster and Layla Ali are just not the men for the job. I think you need to bring a silver voiced pimp like Bob Barker out of retirement or just have a announcer over the PA system (like the guy from movie previews that starts every thing with “In a time/ land/ world…”). Next up, they need to have more consequences for when people fail an event. If you lose in joust you fall into water. Oh, how embarrassing! How about filling that water with piranhas and alligators? I am sure as shit you are going to get a lot more effort out of people that way. Essentially, I am saying add something to each event that makes it life threatening. Finally, please stop making the gladiators dance, howl, or all wear mascara. I know that the guys that play the female gladiators have to use it to make them look feminine but I think it is okay if the other guys don’t wear it. It helps me to differentiate. Anyways, all I can say is that I would have been a much better contestant or gladiator had I been given a chance. Although, I would have made a request to wear my old sweatsuit instead of those tight fancy lad outfits.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Murp! Tsk Tsk

You did it again you son of a bitch. That is the last time I let you house sit for me. Who in their right mind would do that on the living room carpet? I don’t care if that is the only way that you can “get off.” I think that it is time you learned some manners my friend. I have worked with you through many tough times in the past, but I think you may have taken it a bit too far this time. I have no idea why you have to involve so many fluids into a sex act, but all I can say is that my carpet looks like an early Pollack right now. The thing is that I like you Murp. You brighten up my day, and your knowledge of the world knows no bounds, but when you bring home three homeless prostitutes and redecorate my carpet, I have to draw the line.

P.S. The cleaning bill is in the mail.