Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A message from Puff

If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools. Then I'd take a dump in the back of a movie theater, and just wait until somebody sat in it. Hear it squish. That's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time.

Enjoy your day

create animated gif

I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only you.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Killing sharks for a week is not easy

I will be back in action next week where topics of discussion may include the placements of doilies in a living room setting, the benefits of cheese as lube, early French authors, and whether or not using saran wrap as a condom is an effective birth control method.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Banned? From Cracker Barrell? For Life?

This is Troy West. Troy thought that he could walk into a Cracker Barrel and physically and verbally assault a woman and her child. Well, it turns out that besides the law, Cracker Barrel also has their own form of justice for mouth breathers like Troy. Cracker Barrel had come down hard with a LIFETIME BAN to any of their restaurants. When you look at Troy I think it's pretty clear that news like this is devastating. Where will he get his Fancy Fixins now!?!?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Emperor Norton, I salute you

Today marks the 150th anniversary of Emperor Norton ascending to power. If you have never heard of the “Emperor of these United States” you can read all about him in a great article from the SF Chronicle’s Carl Nolte right here. Wikipedia explains;

Joshua Abraham Norton (c. 1819[2] – January 8, 1880), the self-proclaimed His Imperial Majesty Emperor Norton I, was a celebrated citizen of San Francisco, California, who in 1859 proclaimed himself "Emperor of these United States"[3] and subsequently "Protector of Mexico."[4]

Born in London, Norton spent most of his early life in South Africa. He emigrated to San Francisco in 1849 after receiving a bequest of $40,000 from his father's estate. Norton initially made a living as a businessman, but he lost his fortune investing in Peruvian rice.[5]

After losing a lawsuit in which he tried to void his rice contract, Norton left San Francisco. He returned a few years later, apparently mentally unbalanced, claiming to be the emperor of the United States.[6] Although he had no political power, and his influence extended only so far as he was humored by those around him, he was treated deferentially in San Francisco, and currency issued in his name was honored in the establishments he frequented.

Though he was considered insane, or at least highly eccentric,[7] the citizens of San Francisco celebrated his regal presence and his proclamations, most famously, his "order" that the United States Congress be dissolved by force (which Congress and the U.S. Army ignored) and his numerous decrees calling for a bridge and a tunnel to be built across San Francisco Bay.[8] On January 8, 1880, Norton collapsed at a street corner, and died before he could be given medical treatment. The following day, nearly 30,000 people packed the streets of San Francisco to pay homage to Norton.[9] Norton's legacy has been immortalized in the literature of writers Mark Twain and Robert Louis Stevenson, who based characters on him. In December 2004, a resolution was made to name the San Francisco – Oakland Bay Bridge in honor of Norton, but the idea did not progress further.[10]

This is the greatest idea of all time. Basically, he didn’t like how the chips were stacking up for him in life and he did something about it. Not only did he get everything for free but he walked around in a sweet uniform that included a sword. Yeah, that’s not awesome. IT”S FUCKING AWESOME. With respect to our deceased leader I too would like to change my title. Henceforth, I shall be known as His Majesty of Sexy Time Super Coolness and Protector of Woodland Creatures.

I think I know where I may be going after work.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Eat a fart Wednesday

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The things that we can do with computers today. Technology like you would not believe.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

It just keeps getting better.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Things I plan on doing today

I thought I would take a minute today to salute the people who passed away eight years ago and those who continue to fight for our freedom around the world. I would also like to salute America by doing the following today;

Eat a bacon cheeseburger

Salute the flag

Listen to Johnny Cash read the Declaration of Independence

Look at pornography

Drink whiskey

Pay homage to my god (Mr. Stupendous)

Yeah, I can do all these things in America. If you don’t like it you can GEEEEEET OUT!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

"He then started throwing the sea creatures."

This is Keith Edward Marriott. Keith likes the simple things in life, tanning, malt liquor and pretending to drown in order to throw jellyfish at people. You can read all about this modern day Poseidon right here .

After reading this article one thing becomes abundantly clear, I want to party with KEM. I want to develop sun stroke, drink a bottle of night train and fuck people up jellyfish style with him. Here is a guy who obviously is just trying to have a good time at the beach and bunch of stuck up party poopers had to ruin his fun. Keep on keeping on KEM.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Would you like to play a game?

When I wrote the title up top I was imagining that it was said by the robot from that movie War Games. You know, the movie with Ferris Bueller in it before he married a suckubis? Anyways, I invited Wednesday over today to play some pin the tail on the donkey. I didn't tell him it was a live donkey. In hindsight I realize that may not have been very fair.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Who is the winner?

It is time to pick a side. I don't want to do it, I have to do it. The problem is that I can't make a decision like this on my own. Please let me know who you think is the more worthy of food obsessed children. Is it Ice Cream Kid or Bacon Kid ?

What's on tonight?

Laura is dateless for the upcoming school dance, so well-meaning Carl and Eddie (without consulting each other) set Laura up with three different dates. Carl's pick for Laura's date would be someone who would change their lives (as well as the show) forever, and one he'd forever live to regret: Steven Q. Urkel.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

This little fella sure loves bacon

I thought ice cream kid was hilarious. This angry little ball of bowl cut will stand for no one taking his dern bacon and making him look like "sorry" people. You do not come between him and his bacon!