Nice try Rocketman

Yves Rossy is some swiss dude that gets thrown out of planes with a backpack on that looks like he has wings. With these wings he can increase his time spent in the air and his ability to cover great distances in a short amount of time. This past week he was able to cross the English Channel with his special wings. I really don’t know how I feel about this accomplishment. The amazing thing is that this man is flying, which is tremendous. The boring thing is that his wings aren’t real and the person flying isn’t me. I am not saying that I don’t respect what he is doing. This type of thing reeks of adventure and I bet chicks totally dig it. I am just saying that maybe we should all hold off on giving him handjobs until he does it with naturally grown human wings. Now that would be impressive. I am currently working on growing mine right now.

Confidence

I found this photo today on Afrojacks.com. I don't know who this young gentleman is or what he does with his life but I want to meet him. Why? I will tell you why. That young man has confidence. Look at his face. That is a face that says I will drink from your tears of jealousy. A face that cries out I am all that is man. This kind of confident fellow is exactly the kind of person that all young people should model themselves after. He could take you one on one in basketball and then impress you with his impeccable manners at a five star restaurant. This child has IT. I think he may be my son.

Dancing with the Stars made a huge mistake

I was watching TV last night in my underground fortress when I noticed that a new season of Dancing with the Stars is on. It surprised me because I had not been asked to be on the show yet. I figured by now they had gotten to my status of celebrity which is no status. I mean Kim Kardashian is on the show and she is famous for letting someone piss on her. Now I am not saying that I would let someone piss on me to be on DWTS but I would hope that some of the other things I have done in life would get me on that stage. But Burt, why would you care about being on DWTS when you have done so many other awesome things and chicks in you lifetime? I know that this question was inevitable but I will tell you why. I think I can win this thing.
Very few people know that I was once a three time Salsa dance champion. I used to teach salsa and perform in annual tournaments around the country. I have a natural gift for dance. It is as though god made me a vessel to deliver the sexiest moves this earth or any earth (except for middle earth) has ever seen. The one thing that does worry me is that this is not just a Salsa competition, there are many different types of dancing moves that I will need to master. I am not worried though. If that hyperventilating piglet Marie Osmand can do the rumba then anything is possible. Besides, the real way to win this thing is to wear tighter pants than all the other contestants and to dance with a semi. The only people that call in and vote for this show are gay men and women over the age of 65. This thing is in the bag.

So what?

Josh Howard doesn’t like the national anthem, so the fuck what? I myself don’t mind taking off my hat before a game and listening to the song. I have done it for years and never have been bothered by the need for it to be played before many events in our culture. At the same time I don’t care if some other guy doesn’t like the song. He, much more than myself, might have a better reason for not feeling that the anthem is something he can get behind. It is not Hip Hop enough. The SBB could use a fresh remix. That is the reason that I think Josh has such a problem with it. Well, that and the whole slavery thing.

Shame on you Tony

Tony Kornheiser has once again put himself in the spotlight by being “controversial” with some of the comments that he made on Monday night football. It seems that this is what we can expect from Tony these days because that is how he has gained national recognition and that is how he is going to stay in the public eye. It’s part of his image and what ESPN hired him for. I am not going to sit here and ask Tony to put himself in the shoes of another person and think how he would feel if the situation was reversed. Instead, I am going to continue to ignore his rants and try to come up with a solution to cover that gigantic solar panel on his head. Here are some of my thoughts;

Borrow some hair from John Madden.

Try the risky surgery of removing hair from his beard/ass and have it glued to his head.

CGI hair (I think ESPN could afford it).

Shave the rest of his hair off and try to go with the Mr. Clean look.

Wear a new hat every week. Next week should be a sombrero.

Those are pretty lame suggestions. I am just trying to get a dialog going and since my skills in Photoshop are limited to MS paint I would love to see if anyone could put together a picture of what you think Tony could do to stop blinding us. My attempt is below.

Eagle Eye did it

My good friend Doug recently brought up the new Shia Lebouf movie that is soon to hit the theatres. Although it is not completely clear I believe that Eagle Eye is some sort of government entity that has access to any and all people and networks. Well the thing is that this Eagle Eye concept is real. Trust me I have spent enough time within the inner sanctums of our government to know that we have something like this and most of the time it is calling the shots. I have compiled a list of some of the things that Eagle Eye is responsible for and I thought that I would share it with you.

Eagle Eye told OJ to go steal his memorabilia from the vegas hotel room.

Eagle Eye is the reason that the Eagles split up and then got back together again.

Eagle Eye saw me watching porn this morning.

Eagle Eye sent those dirty pictures of you to all your friends email with the handcrafted note to each person that would make it seem like you are propositioning them for sex, which is pretty believable.

Eagle Eye is responsible for the peanut butter and jelly combo jar at the supermarket.

Eagle Eye is the one who destroyed your bathroom last weekend after eating all that BBQ food and then wouldn’t admit to it.

Eagle Eye used to be Edward James Olmos.

Eagle Eye is responsible for every major war and the new KFC snacker bowl.

Eagle Eye was the person that called you for like a week straight and just kept hanging up.

Eagle Eye is really being watched and controlled by Red Eye which is a giant butt hole in space.

What has Eagle Eye done to you?

Richard Wright

Yesterday was marked by the unfortunate passing of Richard Wright, a founding member of Pink Floyd. On their website the band states that Richard had passed away due to a short bout with cancer. Although it is very sad news I almost find it puzzling that a disease like cancer could take out a man who probably has done a thousand things more life threatening to himself during his time on earth. It’s almost like hearing Keith Richards passed away due to old age. It almost feels like we are being cheated. That maybe a more fitting way to go would be riding a hot air balloon into outer space or being devoured by a pride of lions while on a bad acid trip. Anyways, thanks for the tunes.

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!

Man oh man do I hate Fridays sometimes. Although people are generally happier because the weekend is here it isn’t always the easiest day to get through. Sometimes when I work on Friday’s I often wonder what it would be like if everybody got up and started rioting.

I have been to prison many times in my life and I feel like I have gotten to experience a few really good riots. Besides the occasional knife fight in the shower and making wine in your toilet, riots really are what make prison life bearable. It gives you a chance to get creative and get some of that aggression out. When else are you going to have that much time to make a really fancy shank or cut that guy’s stomach up whose really been asking for it? After you have sealed off the entrances with barricades you tend to focus on those things a lot. I mean the only real bummer about a prison riot, a good prison riot, is when the guards come back armed with tear gas and non-lethal weaponry, but I digress. Now that I have been out of prison for a while I have missed that visceral experience.

Why can’t we have a riot here in our corporate office? I could see how this would go down. Someone from Human Resources explains that we are going to be downsizing and that there will be significant pay cuts. At the company meeting to make this announcement someone will inevitably tackle the CEO and take them hostage. There isn’t enough security to take on a rabid workforce of underpaid people so they will have to retreat and negotiate later. Meanwhile, a couple more of the higher ups have been held hostage with the CEO in that one cramped meeting room that smells like someone spilt coffee in it. The next step would be to fashion weapons and I think that the supply closet would be of great benefit for making that extra special weapon. I think if it were up to me I would try to make stapler nunchucks. Now all that is left to do is block the entrances and ration the food from the vending machines. Inevitably, there is going to be a power struggle and the cops are eventually going to get brought in. All riots come to an end sooner or later but I think that with the right type of planning and positive attitude it could last for well over a week. Any thoughts on how to maintain an office riot?

Yes he deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell

My interview with Richard Grieco

1) Richard Grieco, you were considered a sex symbol of the 80's. What is it about you that women find attractive?
That's a very good question to ask. Oh hold on one second. (speaking offline) Mom can I get that splenda or what!???!?!?! (comes back on line) Sorry I was just making sure that my assistant had a splenda for me before I do this interview. The Greekster always needs a splenda to do his interviews. Anyhoo where were we? Ahh yes. The attraction that the ladies have for me. First off I would like to question the logic of your question. I think I heard you say that I used to be a sex symbol. There is your first problem. I am STILL a sex symbol. Always have been, always will be. Now that is cleared up lets talk about what has kept me there for so long. In no particular order the top five traits that got the greekster were he is today are the brows, the hair, the tan, the hair, and the greico stare. If you are not familiar with the G Stare…I have that patented by the way…it is when I tilt my head down to a 45 degree angle and look at the camera from the left side of my face with my eyes slightly looking downward. Its an immediate way to get the girls vajay into the Greicoshpere.
2) Richard Grieco, what movie and or actor inspired you to follow a career in the arts?
Who inspired me? Wow that is a tough one. I mean so much has been just myself and the brows. You know? If I had to pick someone though I would probably go with Scott Baio. I took his formula for the craft and then added a little bit more sex appeal to the roles I played in. I think that if I had been born a decade earlier I would have been Charles in Charge. Cristian Slater also was a huge impact. He has a similar move to the G stare he likes to call the slater scowl. Its pretty much the same thing I do but without as cool of a name. Finally, I would have to say a lot of my inspiration came from Ghandi. I mean he is all about peoples rights and stuff, and he is all about peace. And believe me Richard Fucking Greico is all about getting a peace too.
3) In 1989 21 Jump St. was at the height of it's commercial fame and you and Johnny Depp had emerged as breakout stars. The next year he did Edward Scissorhands and You Did if Looks Could Kill. Explain.
What drove me towards the role of novice high school traveler turned super spy Michael Corben was the simplicity of the role and the fringe benefits. I was offered the role of faggy dildohands but I found out that I would have to wear a bunch of makeup, and the greekster never wears makeup…except for a little toner and base from time to time. Anyways, the producers said I could have carte blanche over the script and all the coke I could handle. Besides it was a free trip to Canada and that hot chick from scent of a woman was my costar. Also, they let me keep the Ferrari that I drove during the movie, and the trunk was filled with coke.
4) How did you loose you virginity?
I lost my virginity like most young men do. I lost it in front of a producer from Hollywood who was filming it for his private archives. It was with the producers wife so that made the whole situation a lot more relaxed. You would think that an 8 year old would have a tough time having sex on camera, but I thought that his wife did a great job. In retrospect that video was probably not the greatest thing for my career. I feel like if I didn't have that hanging over my head I would have been the star of all these lampoon movies that are all the rage in Hollywood. Man I would have been the shit in disaster movie.
5) Can you give us a brief run through of a typical day in Grieco's world?
Typical day for the greekster is as follows. After I wake up in the morning I usually take the gun out of my mouth and head down to the kitchen for a little breakfast made by my personal chef. I usually then start going through my voicemails and messages from producers about what kind of things I have in the pipeline. That's the craziest thing about being RG. One day you may be the new face of Alpo canned cat food and the next you may be holding a sign on Hollywood BLVD for a mattress sale for a character study that you are working on for a mattress commercial. Usually my days are pretty booked up until the early evening but then it's a little me time. I try to hit up a hot spot or two to make sure that the ladies know that the Gman is still out there pounding the pavement for Puss. I usually don't go in the clubs but I think we all know that the vibe has been put out. I usually get my assistant to pick me up down the street from where I was putting out the vibe. Then when I get home I like to go to my room and watch some of my past work Last night I watched Point Doom. By the lack of response I am sure you have seen it and are spellbound by my awesomeness in that movie. After the movie and a late night HJ session I put on my face mask and hit the sack.
6) Richard, If your looks could kill, who would be the first victim?
That's a simple question. Anyone in blast radius. If I could see you my looks wouldn't just kill you. They'd explode you. I would have to go out with a mask over my face if looks could kill. I would be labled a terrorist threat if looks could kill. It would go North Korea, al Quada, and Greico not paticularily in that order. Fuck that was a stupid question. Got any more brain busters?
7) Here at 5thyear.com we love hearing good drinking stories, can you tell us about a good bender with another celebrity?
One time during the nineties I am with Depp at poison show and we have just gotten back stage. 21 jump street had just ended its run and we wanted to blow off a little steam before our new movies came out. The perfect place to be was the poison concert because of the class of ass and the fact that we didn't have to pay for tickets. Anyways, we are sitting in the front row until brett Michaels invites us back stage for drinks and blowjobs. Michaels is making cocktails with whiskey robistusin and speed and there is a bunch of hot tail everywhere. I drank about four of those and blacked out. I woke up in 2006 on my moms couch and no clue how I could have made so many shitty movies while in a cocktail induced coma. But I am clean now and I am really looking forward to staring producing and directing If looks could kill MORE. We are filming in Turkey.

The Golden Asshole Award

It’s Friday and I am bored so I thought I would try to spark an intellectual debate. Now for those of you who didn’t know, from time to time I can be a real asshole. That’s why I have decided to have this discussion in order to determine the winner of the Golden Asshole, an award that can have many winners, I assure you. The Golden Asshole is the award for who you personally think is this week’s biggest asshole. It can be any person you want but please try to give a little explanation for your choice. My nomination is for Tony Danza because he could have stayed on Who’s the Boss? but thought he was better than the show, thereby ruining one of the most in depth character driven shows on television. Will that Mona ever stop being so raunchy? I guess we will never know. Thanks a whole fuck load Tony.

Where the FUCK is Steve Sanders?

Disgusted. Appalled. Hurt. Peeved. Constipated. Those are just a few of the words that I would use to describe my feelings last night about the premier of the new Beverly Hills 90210. Now I am a pretty savvy person when it comes to media news and I was well aware that the new 90210 would return a few people from the first show. I know that Ian Zeiring was not mentioned in any of the press releases for the show but I still had faith that he would be the surprise guest star. Nope. The Z-man was no where to be seen. What the fuck is wrong with you people? How hard is it to write Steve Sanders into this show? It would not be hard at all and I will tell you why.

Steve Sanders was a total loser. He was the running joke on that show. I know you may ask how someone with such badass style and a permed mullet could be such a dork. It was because Brian Austin-Green already had the wigger role taken care of while Preistly and Perry had way too sweet sideburns for comic relief. So the role had to fall to the Z-man. That’s why he could be on this show though. All you have to do is still have him hanging around Beverly Hills high still. He doesn’t work but lives on a trust fund. He is always hanging around the school offering underage girls rides home from school in his busted ass sports car. Campus security is constantly on the lookout for him after he was found doing coke and exposing himself in the first floor women’s bathroom. I mean how is this not in the script? It makes perfect sense. He would still be the comic relief but in a much more creepy and realistic way. If he is not in the next episode I will never watch it again.

Holy shit that is strong coffee

I went down to my local bagel shop this morning and got a cup of coffee. This coffee was strong. So strong that the second I took my first sip I had to shit. It was almost instantaneous. Now don’t get me wrong, I like a strong cup of coffee. Hell, that’s why I buy it. However, if I am going to buy a cup of coffee I don’t want it to be so strong that after one sip I feel like I have a gnome inside me punching my intestines. In the words of Dennis Leary I just want some fucking coffee flavored coffee. I want it to taste good and not leave me with the undeniable need to play battleshits. I think that it is time I switch to tea, maybe some chamomile with cream and a lemon twist. Thoughts?