Thursday, December 31, 2009

THEY WILL DESTROY US ALL

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

STOP THROWING DOG SHIT


I have to admit sometimes I feel like things happen for a reason, that somehow an invisible force is guiding me. Today was one of those days. I walked out of my office (not the bathroom) to head towards a lunch spot to get some soup. Only when I got to the store they only had cream of broccoli available (I hate broccoli as much as I love puppies, which is a lot). So I decided to go around the corner and find some soup with no broccoli in it. When I turn the corner I see that two men are having somewhat of an animated discussion in front of a parking car lot.

One of the gentlemen in question is walking his tiny fancy dog, has a bag of dog shit in his hand, and looks something like this;

The other gentleman is an employee of the garage and looks like he is trying to explain something to our fancy friend. When I walk by the conversation it becomes clear that the parking attendant does not want this man to throw dog shit in the trash can he is putting a new bag in. What I heard went something like this;

Douchebag: What do you mean I can’t put the trash in this garbage can? That is RIDICULOUS!!
Attendant: This is a private trash can for the lot. I was just moving it inside right now after I had changed it.

I am just getting out of earshot when I hear a loud “HEY!” I turn around to see that our douchie pal had decided that nobody is going to tell him where he can and can’t throw princesses doodies. I bet he didn’t expect that the attendant would take the shitbag from the trash and throw it on his fancy new clothes. So he returns fire with the bag. Then the attendant does. Then douchebag throws it again And then they got into what I can only describe as some sort of slap boxing/dance routine. I wish that I had it on video because it would have been the type of thing that holiday miracles are made of. Keep doing your job invisible voices, that made my day.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT: BACK TO BACK GOLDEN GIRLS


ROSE THE PRUDE
In this episode we have a Rose centered episode where we find out many things about Rose's history and her character in general. Blanche and Rose take on blind dates and Rose's date turns out to be a jewel since he invites her to a personal cruise where Rose is faced with the question "can she handle being with another man since her husband died?"


A LETTER TO GORBACHEV

Rose writes a letter to both world leaders, Gorbachev and Reagan. She does this after a small child in her group draws a picture of a not so pleasant future for the world. Rose gets a response from the Soviet Union and a nice twist of events occur in Miami.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

DROPPING KNOWLEDGE


Thank you dump.com.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSBAG


At first I wasn't going to buy you anything for Christmas this year. Then I thought that even though you are a horrible, rotten, no good excuse for a day it doesn't mean that you shouldn't get something special during the holidays. So I thought real hard about the gift and decided to make you something myself. I hope you like it.

PS It's a box filled with my shit.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

CLAUS BROUGHT UP ON CHARGES


North Pole police have arrested one Santa Claus early this morning. The warrant for his arrest was issued when multiple elves came forward with accusations of sexual harassment and physical abuse. Stories are now coming to light with accounts of sub standard work place conditions and a climate of fear from the North Poles leading provider of jobs.

Tinkle Boogle, one of the elves, spoke about what led him to come forward against the SCHTW (Santa Claus Happy Time Workshop). “The conditions in the workstation are deplorable, we have one break every eight hours and injuries often go untreated,” said Boogle. “You would think we were working for Nike.”

Perhaps more damning have been the accusations of sexual harassment. The complaints paint a picture of a serial molester and masochist. One source, who refused to be named in this story, has said “let’s just say that he was a little bit more than ‘jolly’ when it came to his interactions female employees.”

When reached for comment Claus’ lawyer Frosty T. Snowman called the suit “pathetic and without merit.” He added, “Mr. Claus fully expects to be exonerated when both sides of the case have been presented in a court of law.”

Claus is currently still in North Pole jail as he was considered a flight risk. The elves are being represented in the suit by Gloria Allred and Mark Geragos.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

NEXT SEASON'S BIG HOLIDAY HIT


The script has already been written. I am just looking for someone with vision to produce it.

Get these motherfucking wise men out of my mother fucking manger! ~ Joseph of Arimathea as played by the great Sir Samuel Jackson.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

SOMEONE FROM COMMENTS HAS A CRUSH ON YOU KNOW WHO


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This message was in the comments section from my post on Friday about Buttons the sad cat. When I click on the text it takes me to a site filled with many young ladies posed like the picture above. Some people would have you think that this is merely some spam. Well, fuck those people. All of these pretty babes want to get frisky with Burt, not you! Don't try to stop our love.

Friday, December 11, 2009

THAT’S ONE SAD CAT


What could have possibly happened to make this cat so sad? I think that many would say it probably has something to do with that boring striped sweater he is wearing (stripes are out you know). I think that it is much deeper than that. There is a story here and I may just have the explanation.

In my mind this cat’s name is Buttons. He lives a comfortable life with his owners Stacy and Rob. Buttons likes to chase birds and take long naps. What he doesn’t like is having carrot cake on his birthday! I could just see the Buttons running to the table for his birthday dinner and instead of the chocolate ice cream cake, which he specifically had asked for, Rob blew the cake assignment on his way home from work and brought that abomination home with him. Way to go Rob! You ruined Buttons birthday.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I WORK OUT 8 DAYS A WEEK


Look at these guys. They are puny. It looks like they work out maybe 5 days a week, tops. I work out 8 days a week. Four days for the upper body (chest, back, guns), four days for the lower body (butt, calves, leg guns) and I do abs every single fucking day. This guy has the nerve to call his stomach the situation? More like no fucking situation dillweed (BURN! Hi Five). I call my abs the Annexation of Puerto Rico. Got that shit trademarked. I'm not even going to get into how much I bench. Step your game up fellas or all the guidettes are gonna be tuggin on my longshoreman when I get to town.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

NOT SO FAST BROTHER MUNSON

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Yesterday I read a story about Amish man who ran afoul with the law while driving his buggy. He was all hopped up on grandpappies cough syrup. You can read more about the story here . The thing that I thought was so good about the story was that it reminded me of this exchange from Black Sheep;

Motorcycle Cop: Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Mike: Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops.
Motorcycle Cop: SEVEN! SEVEN miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the *shoulder*!
Motorcycle Cop: I don't know how they do things up in Buckley Town, but down here, we are caution for other drivers on the road.
Steve: Roades, Roods.
Mike: [reaches back and smacks Steve] Quiet back there. Geez, raving psycho, we arrested him becuase he butchered over 300 chickens and screwed a Begal. I'm taking him back to Navada where he's wanted for Bangin Horses'.
Motorcycle Cop: [looks in the back seat and Steve smiles at him] Good God! Just make sure you get him through this state a little faster then 7 miles an hour officer...
Mike: Meoff... Jack.
[looks back at Steve and laughs making a jerking off motion]
Motorcycle Cop: Ok? now get him out of here.
Mike: Ookie Dookie.

Then I laughed because I imagined that this asshole was the one screwing beagles and banging horses.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

MACHO MAN TALKS TO MY SANDWICH


I am hungry as a mafugga right now. All I can think about is the sandwich I am about to eat for lunch. I don’t care what comes on it but it is going to be on a hard roll and covered in mustard. I plan on absolutely devastating this sandwich. The problem I have is that I don’t know how to tell this sandwich the kind of hurt I am going to put on it. Therefore, I have enlisted the help of one Macho Man Randall Savage to do the talking for me. Macho?

OOHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!!!! When Burt gets into the ring two hours from now to face off against the sandwich special you better believe there is gonna be a bloodbath. OHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! He’s gonna take that soft little sando and put him in a OOOOHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH RUNNING POWERSLAM!!!!!! Then its off to the top rope with a bag of chips, OHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAH BARBEQUE FLAVOR!!!!! Double elbow drop off the top rope with a bag of chips in his mouth OOOOOHHHHH YEAAAAHHHHH MAYBE SOUR CREAM AND ONION INSTEAD. OOHHHHHHH YEAH! Then its 1….2….3….and that sandwich is destroyed forever. OOOOOOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAAAAH.

Friday, December 04, 2009

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT


Episode 15: I've Got a New Attitude
Willie catches ALF from eating a box of chocolate that was to be a Valentine's Day present for Kate. This incites Willie to give ALF a lecture on how ALF does not respect private property and needs to adopt a new attitude. Also, Kate's mom is moving out of the Tanners' house. The problem is that her new neighbor, Whizzer, wants to come help Dorothy move her stuff. Which means ALF has to hide from him. Kate likes Whizzer and suggests that they invite him over for a dinner. Dorothy doesn't want that. ALF interjects by claiming to have spoken to Dorothy's dead husband Sparky's spirit, who wants Dorothy to move on. Apparently, all Melmacians have the ability to speak to the dead. Dorothy wants ALF to prove his ability and let her speak to Sparky through ALF...

Thursday, December 03, 2009

A SHOE FOR A SHOE


Remember the guy that threw a shoe at Dubya? Well he got a little bit of his own medicine this past week when, in a press conference, someone tried to deliver some footwear justice of their own. Don’t worry, he is ok. He was able to avoid the shoe using the same duck technique employed by his original target.

What I don’t like about this story is that neither man could connect with their target. Come on! If you are going to throw a show at someone it needs to be lightweight and balanced. You are never going to get anywhere in life throwing heavy dress shoes. You have to think about form and function. I could hit a man in a dead sprint from fifty yards out with any running shoe but if you asked me to do it with a dress shoe I may not even make it past my feet. Damn that polish!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

A NEW PLAN


Had a little bit to eat over Thanksgiving did we? Overindulged a bit? Then you have fallen into my trap. As we speak I've drugged you with a highly powerful neurotoxin. You won't feel the effects, at first. Soon your body will grow tired and you will wake up in a leaky garage with junk food all around you. At this point you may feel a burning pain coming from the 2 hole. Don't worry, it's all part of my plan. Or should I say Wu Tang's plan.

I'll fuckin sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you.


You are going to pop like a balloon fatass.