Friday, May 29, 2009

A question on a friday

Friday is a day for people to find as many things as they can on the interwebs to make the day somewhat bearable until that first Tom Collins. In that same vain I would like to propose a thought provoking question. If pizza and fried chicken had to fight in a cage match to the death, who would win?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

An insightful argument on John and Kate Plus Eight

I have been reading a lot of stories this past week on John and Kate Plus Eight and the current controversies that surround the show. It appears that John and Kate have both been accused of cheating on one another as well as exploiting their children for financial gain when their marriage is falling into shambles. Honestly, I really don’t have an opinion on this whole issue one way or another. I do, however, have an opinion when I pretend that I am a guido wannabe Mafioso douche from Jersey. Here is my/his opinion;

HEyyyyyyyyyy YOOOO (grabs crotch) Woah woah woah there cool your jets America! Youse acting like this is some kind of fucking idiot ova here. So what if jonny boy wants to dip his wick at another candle factory one in a whiles. He ain’t hurting nobody. Can you friggin imagine the vaj on that broad!?!?! That is one muscle you can’t work out. It ain’t like my shoulders or the triceps. Which look dope right now. Scotty D put me on a new workout schedule and I am in my second cycle of steroids. BOOYEAH (grabs crotch and moves it around in a clockwise rotation while flicking his toungue out) Futhamoe, its sounds like she is skanking her self out two. SLUT! How could she do that to her children? Fuck that shit (opens up overpriced bottle of vodka). Look I gotta go because I have the second bounce shift at TJ O’Titties but I will be glad to give these fucking people a talking to. God Bless America. Neva forget 9/11.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Time to get Medieval on that ass

I thought that I would go old school this week. Not old school as in Adidas sweat suits with a ghetto blaster on my shoulder. No, more like I want to see Wednesday pulled apart in four different directions by horses. That's old school. I want to add some fresh flavor to it though, so I have decided to use T-Rex's instead of horses. Why? If you have the technology to make dinosaurs reappear on this earth why wouldn't you? Okay, besides the insurance problems and clean up.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Ashton Kutcher to stop using Twitter?

My God NOOOOOOO! Please don't deprive me of listening to your 140 words or less daily ramblings. Who will I turn to for tweets? You realize how many people you will be letting down if you do this? A lot. Like over a hundred people are going to be devastated.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Looking good there champ

Sometimes I like to walk to work. It’s nice because it gets the blood flowing in the morning and you don’t have to listen to nosy bus drivers tell you to put your pants back on and stop “touching yourself”. One of the better parts of my walk is that I get to experience the magic of Chinatown. It always seems like there is something to discover on my way through and the other day was no exception.

On my walk I noticed a young man who could not have been any older than 12 checking around the corner like someone was after him. Judging by his weight and general sloppiness I was waiting to see some deranged chef running around the corner screaming in French about one his pies going missing. Instead, once this little gentleman was assured that he was in the clear of whoever he thought may have been watching him he goes into to his backpack and pulls out a pack of Marlboro 100’s, lights one up like a pro, and walks right past me puffing away.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. Kids grow up with different values these days and a heavy emphasis is put on not smoking(I applaud that if you want to be a sissy). In my day I was given a cigarette as congratulations from my doctor for delivering me. No spank on the ass, just a Camel and a shot of whiskey, like I said different times. As he walked by I was tempted to say something but I thought better of it for a few reasons.

He could have been one of those people that look like a kid their entire life.

He may come from a family of smokers that support his habit.

He was a pretty tough looking kid and I don’t think he would hesitate to put his smoke out in my eye.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I've been saving this for you

I decided to take the advice of "anonymous" from last week and give Wednesday a big jar of farts. Why? Because Wednesday makes me SICK! And I ate a bunch of garlic last week and garlic makes me really gassy.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Watch out for Stephanie the Warlock

I have spoken about this one time before but it has to be mentioned again. Stephanie, the tremendous bitch (imagine a gargoyle that mated with a banshee) that lives below me graced me with her presence this Saturday morning. She of course came to complain that there was too much movement and sound coming from my apartment for her liking on a Saturday morning. She is obviously in an easy spot to complain as she lives on the first floor and doesn’t have to deal with people underneath her. For the love of fuck, I have to live under these bongo playing hippies that listen to that song over the rainbow by that gigantic Hawaiian guy about three times a day at least. Do you know how many times I have gone up to their place? Zero. Why Zero? It might have something to do with my poor hearing or general tolerance for noise. Or it could be that I have a life and don’t come up to people’s apartments to express my dissatisfaction with theirs. Listen lady, it is pretty clear what is going on here. You are stupid humorless woman who has little to do in her life except for inviting hairless German teens over to your house while your spandex clad boyfriend is off at pilates. Get bent, you cave dwelling monster.

Friday, May 15, 2009

It’s not like I’ve been lazy

This past week I may have missed posting on a day or two but it hasn’t been because I am lazy. It also hasn’t been because I have been too busy with work (damn this cure for cancer!). I even had swine flu for a few weeks but that didn’t slow me down (when your body is carefully sculpted granite like mine you tend to ignore silly little “life threatenting diseases”). No, the reason I didn’t post a few times this week is because I was stabbed in an alley during a confrontation with members of the local yakuza.

From time to time I dabble in the import/export business. I have recently been making a killing on backscratchers. The model I sell is the AROG2000. It is a beautifully crafted wooden backscratcher that has two massage balls in the handle (retail $.99). Most of my sales have been going through a small group of stores in Japan town. The other day I went to make a delivery and one of my customers was not very pleased with the last shipment of scratchers. It turns out that the last batch may or may not have been water damaged in an unfortunate accident at sea. The customer tells me that he wants the next shipment free. I told him to kick rocks. He tells me he is in the Yakuza. I tell him that I am in the Brotherhood. He pulls of his shirt and brandishes a knife. I take off my shirt and spit at him. He stabs me in my gut and pays me for both shipments. I get into my car and drive to the nearest animal hospital to get stitched up.

I guess that is just the way that business is done with the Yakuza. It is new to me but I always will adapt to ensure repeat business. It has already paid off. They want two orders next week. So, I may have not posted two times this week, but I did get stabbed and sold two more boxes of scratchers. Advantage Burt.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

You dirty pervert

Lately, I have been trying to give Wednesday a little bit more respect . We often don't see eye to eye and more often than that I hate his stupid freaking guts. Well to add some fuel to the fire I found this cover from a little movie that he released in the seventies. It makes me sick that someone would objectify women in such a demeaning way. There is a time and a place for that and it is called a strip club.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Frustration thy name is Darlene

I work with a woman over the phone that seems to hate me for some apparent reason that I am not aware of. Sure, she could be mad about my general lack of enthusiasm with the job or the fact that I am not the friendliest person in the mornings. It could also be that my silky voice does not to charm this maiden. What I do know is that is has nothing to do with my tremendous good looks or my sometimes intense garlic breath because we have never met in person.

Yes, we have never met. But I would imagine that she looks a little like this;

Friday, May 08, 2009

Let's Go Dancing!!!

OMG! Do you ever just feel like you have had one of those weeks where nothing is going right? Your hair is all over the place, you don’t have anything to wear and whatever you do wear makes you look fat. Tell me about it sister! Seems like that happens every week to me! LOL! Well I have found just the cure for those weekday blues, and no, it isn’t bubble baths ;) LOL!


Let’s just put on some outfits that make us feel sexy and go out and hit up a hot club and tear up the dance floor. Believe me it is going to make you feel ten times better than you do right now. See you at the club at 9. XOXO

Thursday, May 07, 2009

tsk tsk Manny Ramirez

"This is how big the hole is. You know, the hole were I fucked the dodgers in their stupid asses."

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Breaking Speidi News!!!! OMG !!!!

Recently, there has been some talk about Heidi, from MTV’s show The Hills, might expose her nekkid body in an upcoming issue of Playboy. I am here to tell you that this story is a complete fabrication and in no way is close to happening. That is because both Heidi and Spencer have been contracted for a snuff film. It’s called Something That Everybody Wants and it is set to start filming a few weeks from now. It is going to be shot on one hand held camera and both of the “reality stars” have “decided” to do the movie for free. Of course, they will both deny that they know nothing about it so please don’t try to bring it up. Did I mention that I will be directing and that I have never spoken with either of them? Yeah, that could be a production setback.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

What do racist people do on Cinco De Mayo?


As a person who lives in the United States (Illegally? Wouldn’t you like to know) I am constantly inundated with the discussion of illegal aliens and if they have the right to be in this country. The argument is undoubtedly complex with many different arguments presented for both sides. Unfortunately, many of the people who are opposed to illegal aliens tend to be just a weeeeeeeeee bit racist.

Therefore, I would assume if you are racist enough to not want someone to move to your country for a better life then you have no right to participate in anything that would be considered a part of Mexican heritage. That’s right. You can at no point today, or any other day, partake in the wonderfulness of the Mexican culture. So tonight when I am slamming down a plate of Mole Enchiladas and my fourth margarita you are going to just have to sit their grooving on it.

Happy Cinco De Mayo my friends.

Monday, May 04, 2009

BM Sharts Memorial Golf Tournament

This Sunday I was invited to the first annual BM Sharts Memorial Golf Tournament. When you talk about an event that defines classy this would be just short of it. Many perennial blowhards were taking time off from their normal Sunday plans of avoiding their wives and household responsibilities to hit golf balls into the woods. Indeed, some of the greatest players of their own generations were there. Bubba, Madge, Bellbottom Shit Pants and many more dropped their names in the hat to win the elusive crown. It truly was a day of nerves, beer, and more stories about pooping one’s pants than could possibly be normal. While I can not claim victory, the day in and of itself was a tremendous accomplishment. Not for golf, but for no one having a mental breakdown or crapping their pants. I plan to return next year with a renewed level of commitment, a bowl of stockpot chili, and a box of adult depends.

Bullshit that is SHIT! – Bubba to Bellbottom Shit Pants in San Diego Circa 1980