Friday, February 27, 2009


On occasion I am privileged to get together with some of my closest hunting buddies (megaladon and Bigfoot mostly) and have a round table discussion over a finely crafted batch of moonshine. The setting of this discussion was my downstairs rumpus room, or as some people like to call it, my sex dungeon. Anyhoo, after a few strong pulls of the moonshine a feats of strength competition was begun. Each person would display a feat of strength and the other people would have to match it, very much like a game of horse. The game went on for quite some time without anyone getting as much as a letter on the board. That was when my good friend (I will not mention names) threw down the gauntlet and challenged everyone to imagine having sex with Octomom without puking. Game Over. Evening ruined. And my sex dungeon is a complete disaster. Thanks a lot you nasty ass.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

A little something for the ladies

Last week I posted some scorching hot pictures as a way to lure people to this blog. Guess what? It worked. Then I got to thinking and realized that I had completely neglected the ladies and men who crave some hot man meat. I want you to be able to read about me having diarrhea at the DMV too. So without any further ado check out this little treasure trove of pictures and try not to get too riled up. I had to drink three frescas in order to finish this post I was so hot and bothered.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Have a good time at the DMV dickwad

I took the advice of Skinny Stewart and decided that I would torture Wednesday by sending him to the DMV. Seriously, a DMV visit is something I would only wish upon my worst enemies. I can confidently say that for each time I go to the DMV there has been a negative experience associated with it. Some of the more unfortunate incidents include;

Getting close to the front of the line and having explosive diarrhea kick in(I held it).

Watch a deadbeat haggle with the lady at the counter about why he can’t move forward with his car registration because he has unpaid child support (he looked like Bob Ross the painter but I don’t think he knew how to paint happy trees).

Dealing with the lady at the counter right after the deadbeat.

Listening to a thuggish young man haggle about speaker and rim prices with his “shorty” the entire time I was in line.

The diarrhea thing was really bad.

So I can only hope that Wednesday comes down with a case of the scoots when I send him down to the DMV today. Maybe this will make Wednesday take things easier on me and make itself somewhat bearable. Right now he is not off to a good start.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Just stop it already

I got an email from my friend Nad Nad yesterday. Mondays tend to have a contemplative effect on us all and yesterday was no exception. Nad Nad’s thought for the day;

so i just realized i have a new pet peeve:

people who say "cheers" at the end of calls instead of "good bye" or "later" or "smell you later" or put it at the end of their emails, replacing thanks, or regards.

This dude that sits by me says it with every call and puts it in every email and he isnt even british or irish. if he were, i could maybe undersand. maybe. but he isnt.

i have a white board in my cube and today i started to count the times he used cheers on just calls. im up to 11. im going to kill him before the week is over

The restraint you have shown by not killing him already is astounding(we get it “cheers” guy…you’re the life of the party…cool as an island breeze and always ready to have a beer). I think that I would have tried to boobie trap his cube with a mine or perhaps a swinging log with spikes on it. I would imagine though that Nad Nad is buying his time until he can inflict a grizzly end to somebody like that, and if I know Nads it’s going to involve a samurai sword and some ninja stars. Any other types of quirks bothering you people?

Monday, February 23, 2009

My thoughts on the Oscars

I watched the annual hand job tournament called the Oscars last night and I actually watched the whole thing. Most of that had to do with the money I put into a pool betting on who would win the awards. By the time I realized that I would not be winning they were giving out the award for best movie. Since I did watch the whole show and I thought I would share my feelings about the show (I know that is why everyone woke up this morning);

They need to sexy the Oscars up, enough with the fancy clothes and jewelry. It should be bikinis and high heels for the ladies with some obvious exceptions (I’m looking at you Meryl Streep).

There needs to be more beef. Jennifer Aniston has the perfect chance to call Angelina Jolie out and she does nothing? It would have been like the Source awards if I was up on that stage and one of my enemies was in the crowd. Aniston – “Yeah Yeah. Fuck jolie. Fuck Pitt. Fuck yo kids. Real talk son. Death Row for life. WESTSIDE!”

Not one lifetime achievement award for Van Damme.

There isn’t even an action movie category. If there was Deathrace would have won it.

Beyonce has got to go. Somewhere out there people are still paying her to act and it makes no sense to me. She should have quit after Foxy Cleopatra. The point of making sure she sang a few bars of “At Last” by Etta James to reference her work portraying her made my angries come out.

Where was Jack Nickolson?

Trying to get younger people into the Oscar’s? That can be the only explanation for the Miley Cyrus attendance. Next year Dora the Explorer and Blues Clues will be interviewed by Tim Gunn.

More cha cha cha, less razzle dazzle Mr. Jackman

Philip Seymore Hoffman had an awesome beanie, nobody else rocked a hat like that.

JAI HO is my new favorite song.

I need to watch the movies that are up for awards if I am going to bet again next year.

Friday, February 20, 2009

This dog and I share similar interests


It has come to my attention that a way to drive more people to your site is pictures of women. While I am not sure this works I am going to give it a try anyways. I went into my secret stash and pulled out a few of my favorites. If it gets to hot for you open a window and think about baseball.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

We started the Brotherhood

Just the other day I received a letter from my cousin Chuck Destruction. When he's not playing basketball for pocket money he's usually cutting someone up for mentioning the name Chuck Norris. As far as he is concerned there should only be one Chuck. It's a lot like Highlander in that regard. Anyways, he sent me a letter to talk about some injustices in the world and how we are getting left with the short end of the stick when it comes to a gang. A gang we started!

I started watching this show on History Channel ‘Gangland’ because I thought there would be some good pictures of me with my pals messing around killing dragons with our bare hands and the like, but all I see are these so-called biker gangs like the Mongols, Pagans, Outlaws and the Hells Angels. Where is the Brotherhood? The gang we started and the focus of one of cinemas most shining moments, 1991’s Stone Cold starring none other than Brian Bosworth. In it the Boz has to infiltrate the Brotherhood to try and take them down and to stop them from assassinating the district attorney. That’s what I like my biker gang to do, not only drug dealing, strong arming, pimping or intra gang rivalry, but assassinating bureucrats, that is ballsy. This is also the movie in which Boz makes a milk shake for his monitor lizard that contains;

Whole King Size Snickers Bar
3 Eggs (crack open eggs and empty contents, then throw the shell in)
Tab (honestly have no idea where to find that)
Pepto Bismal

The best part of this movie is when the gangs leader Chains walks into the state capitol dressed as a priest. This guy is wanted all over the state and gets into the capitol because he shaved his beard and dressed like a priest, absolutely brilliant. Nobody even expected him to be armed to the teeth. The guy seriously crashes into a trial on a Harley and starts shooting up the place, Arnold Schwarzenegger eat your heart out. I hope that these other biker gangs can get their shit together and learn from the best.

Truer words have never been spoken. Thats just how our gang does business. The Brotherhood is a gang you don't want to mess with. The movie may have shed light on many illicit activities that the gang participates in but we knew that would happen when we signed the contracts. It just looks like the movie may have made people think the Brotherhood isn't real. I need to send this letter off to the History channel so that I can do one of those interviews in the dark with the voice manipulator. Brotherhood for life.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

You asked for it you peice of shit

This post is in regards to the wonderful method of torture inspired by the 5thyear in last weeks comments section for Too hot for you?

Step 1) Make him shit in a bucket. Check

Step 2) Spoon his own shit into his mouth but tell him not to swallow.Check

Step 3) Put Pulp Fiction type ball gag over mouth. Check

Step 4) Make him play the board game operation and every time he buzzes he gets a whiff of smelling salts causing him to gag on his own shit.Check

Would you like to see bad things happen to Wednesday? Send me an email and let me know.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A dream that will haunt me forever

If you’re like me you love Rock of Love (you’re also like me if you have a penis down to your knee a pet unicorn and a lifetime pass to Knott’s Berry Farm). I have watched closely as Brett Michaels has tried in vain to find true love as he rocks his cock off across America. Why he can’t find love with women of such high moral character and intelligence is beyond me? However, I think it may be time for me to stop watching this show. I had a dream about Rock of Love this weekend that has shaken me to my core.

The dream started as if it was the typical end to a normal Rock of Love episode. All of the ladies are in their finest hooker garb and making whorish puppy dog eyes. It felt so real that I almost was waiting to hear some girl explain that she’s worried Brett might eliminate her because she had not taken the initiative to blow him when she had a chance. Otherwise, everything else is normal. Big John is even there with the passes. Then Brett comes out. HOLY SHIT JESUS TESTICALS FUCK COCK. Brett has just come out without wearing a hat or a bandana and he looks like Jet Li in Once Upon a Time in China.

He seriously looked just like that. I woke up like it was a nightmare. I had a cold sweat all over my body. It was terrifying. I tried to push it far from my mind and returned to bed. I had almost completely forgotten about it until I was flipping through the channels and came to this week’s episode of Rock of Love. All I could think of was this…

I never want to dream again.

Friday, February 13, 2009

True Poetry

Valentines day is upon us and I thought I would try to get in the spirit. I may not be the most romantic person but I think I know a heartfelt sentiment when I see one. From the Mother Teresa of Boning;

What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

Happy Valentines Day. Watch out for STD's.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

What have I done to the people of Utah and Delaware?

Lately I have been playing around with the analytics program from google. It allows you to see different metrics about your blog all for the extremely low price of free. One of the cooler features is that you can see which state the visitor of your blog comes from. I managed to find a way to look at the past year and what states those visitors hail from. The only states that did not have a visitor were Delaware and Utah. What did I do to you guys? Did I say something I shouldn’t have? That is why I am pulling out all the stops and asking you the reader to help me find someone from these states to read my blog.
I will do whatever it takes in order for this to happen. Some of the things I will do include;

Having both the Utah and Delaware state flags tattooed on each ass cheek.

Trying out polygamy

Stop referring to Utah’s state outline as boring and unimaginative

Move to Provo

Get a tattoo of a Ladybug (Delaware’s State Bug)

Start rooting for the Jazz

Stop listening to Jazz

Not laugh during the part in Wayne’s World were they make fun of Delaware

Stop swearing so gosh dang much

If these don’t work I am going to have to drive out to one of these states and visit the site myself. Please don’t make me do that. I can’t stand long trips and my explosive diarrhea has been acting up again.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Too hot for you?

Well it is going to get a lot hotter you son of a bitch!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

They need to make another Ghost Dad

Why has this not happened yet? They do movie remakes in Hollywood all the time. I feel like that is the only thing they are doing in Hollywood right now. You may ask, “Burt what about The Wrestler and Gran Torino?” Well, The Wrestler is a rip-off of Tag Team staring Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Gran Torino was a re-imagining of Cannonball Run 2. So no idea is really a new idea. That’s why I think it is a great time to remake this movie before Bill Cosby becomes the big Huxtable in the sky. I have just the plan to do it too.

Basically, we have Bill Cosby return as Ghost Dad and make a bunch of silly faces as he scares his grandchildren into getting better grades at school. The only catch is that we change the name of the movie to Ghost Grandad. BAM! They can’t print money fast enough for people to see that movie. You’re welcome Hollywood.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Always take a good cock picture

This past week I read the story of Anthony Stancl and his nefarious plan to blackmail people on facebook into participating in sex acts with him. From the AP;

MILWAUKEE — An 18-year-old U.S. student is accused of posing as a girl on Facebook, tricking at least 31 male classmates into sending him naked photos of themselves and then blackmailing some for sex acts.

After I read this story I immediately felt bad about how these poor young men had been duped. Imagine that you are a young high school student that only cares about sex, food, and acne prevention. If some girl comes on to you and tells you that she wants a shot of the goods, of course you would be all for it. It’s almost like an application to bone. However, it is here that we disconnect.

If I am sending out a picture of myself naked it is going to look good, real good. I would plan that sooner or later this picture is going to get distributed to the public. That’s why I would take the time to focus on lighting and a nice set in which to take the pictures. Maybe I would even play around with costumes like cowboy or astronaut. I think I would also have taken the time to do some sit ups and a little manscaping before taking pictures of my cock to send to some girl I met over the internet. Why? Because you never know when some guy could be blackmailing you for sex, that’s why.

These kids must have taken some really bad cock pictures if they would be willing to have a sexual encounter with somebody of the same sex when all they wanted was a lady. If they had taken the time to take a good picture I assume that they would have told old Anthony to fuck off and make sure that when he publishes the photo to not doctor it because you have copies at home. That, or these guys do like boys and the joke is on Anthony.

I think that the lesson here is to take pride in everything you do in life, especially when it comes to taking pictures of your cock for somebody on the internet.

Friday, February 06, 2009

It's friday afternoon

Almost time for it


From the comment section of Try Burtosil ;

I thought turrets where something on know, those round things that are hooked to houses, a form of architecture. Or maybe turrets had something to do with guns. Or maybe I remember turrets having to do with something electronic, boards or something, but a disease?? oh, by jove could you be thinking of tourette syndrome?

Actually nerd, I was talking about Turrets. It’s when people have gigantic house like structures grow out of their shoulders. It makes it almost impossible to wear any clothes besides tank tops. How dare you insult this small percent of people with your obvious lack of knowledge? Furthermore, I bet if you have enough time to go around and play grammar wizard on people’s blogs you have little time for important things like lifting weights and having sexy time with the ladies. I bet you can’t even bench press the bar. AND I bet you think a dumbbell is an insult. AND I bet you have never felt the tender embrace of 5 women trying to bring you to the greatest ecstasy man has ever felt. AND I bet you think unicorns aren’t real and that Chlamydia is a soup. Thanks for reading but try to educate yourself a bit more, nerd.

Big shout out to POPT for bringing the thunder.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Try Burtosil

Feeling down and in the dumps? Have health problems stopped you from leading a normal life? Can’t take a crap unless you drink a bottle of prune juice? Well, worry no more. Introducing Burtosil, the new and improved wonder drug made in an Alhambra machine in the basement of my house. This drug is able to cure the common cold but so much more than that. Burtosil can help you treat;

Runny nose
Anal leakage
Testicular inflammation
Not being able to pee
Peeing way to much
Bed Sores
Bleeding Gums

All that and in some cases it has proven to increase male genitalia size and turn your bowel movements into gold. So what are you waiting for? Change your life and talk with your doctor today about Burtosil.

Side effects include all of the items listed above, night terrors, constant itching, bad breath, hair bugs, soupy farts, and death.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Phelps smokes bammer

You know Phelpsie doesnt have his hands on the good stuff. I would put good money on him coughing into bong and murphing the bowl about a second from this picture being taken. Might want to rethink that role model thing buddy. No child should try and copy this technique.