Monday, March 14, 2005

The Games I Play(insert evil laugh)

I looked through all of the sites for games that you could control the character through the adventure. Although many of the comedy games were not that funny or fun, your friend Burt did like some of the sci fi adventure games. Yet, I began to tire of those as well, and began searching for a real challenge in the game of life. I found a site that offered a game where you told a real person what to do and based on that, they would suffer the real life consequences. On my computers video player I saw my human Gary. Gary had offered his services to the company because he "really needed that dough man." Whatever that meant I knew I had someone under my control and willing to risk it all for some cash. As the game began I had Gary inventory himself quite a few times, because I was under the sinking suspicion that Gary had a bit of a substance abuse problem. After finding out that he had the key to make it out of the maze we went to work. I made Gary run to each new destination at 100%(that's all I give, so should he). When he finally had made it to the end of the maze he was missing a hand and a large portion of his right thigh. Due to the waiver I signed I can no longer discuss the extent of Gary's horrific injuries. We were however, the first people to ever make it out of the maze. Gary lost a lot of blood, but I am sure that the two hundred dollars he won as a prize will cover the hospital bill. As for me, I'm taking and going to the amazon to hunt the most dangerous animal alive. MAN!!!!

Monday, March 07, 2005

Best Movie Ever?

The other night I got nostalgic with some of my Navy Seal buddies. It was during the Antonio Banderas number with Carlos Santana that Staff Seargent Jimenez aked what our favorite movies of all time were. I wanted to think about what choice others had before I blurted mine out. Dawson was partial to Bloodsport, and I found it hard not to agree with him. Jimenez waxed nostalgically about Starship Troopers and its poingnant scenes. I agreed with him. Not only is the score amazing but the killing, oh the killing, was killtastic. I finally was ready to give my choice. Neverending Story taught all of us to never give up and to fight for what was right. Even if it meant reading a book in the attic like a weiner. It still had a lot of great moments. And that flying dog thing does exist. I rode one in Thailand.

The new extreme sports suck

All these people keep telling me how extreme all these new sports are. People will always have arguements over what is the most extreme of all sports. I have finally decided to reveal the answer. The truth is that they are all equal in extremeness. That is if you follow old proffesor Burt's guide to rock'n out with your cock out. First, if you plan on big wave surfing try surfing with a great white shark instead of a surfboard. When skydiving with buddies pack one of the chutes up with dirty laundry then have everyone pick up their pack at random. This adds for a more exteme rush and also people begin to learn how to survive falls from that type of distance. Bungee jump over areas with wild animals. Attach rockets to your skateboard. Only snowboard in avalanches. And try playing chess against one of the old guys down on market. I cannot give you all my extreme secrets so I implore you to try other routes. But just remember, if you can walk away from it without a scratch you obviously must not be trying. Now get out there and get Jiggy Wit It.
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Saturday, March 05, 2005

A funny thing happened the other night.

I went out the other night with the idea of having a nightcap. I was walking down by the docks trying to find the scummiest and tough bar in the whole city. Let's face it, if I don't challenge myself in every aspect of my life that would not be extreme. And if it isn't extreme it isn't Burt. I found a nice little nook called Timmy O'Shitty's. As I walked in a bottle was immeadiately broken over my head. As I wiped the blood off of my face I thought to myself 'this is one hell of a bar.' It had all the types of thing a good bar does. They had darts, pool, and in the basement Northern California's largest cock fighting ring. There were no matches scheduled for that evening, but it is good to know. The patrons have also built a community that has scheduled events they take very seriously. It just so happened to be "KNIFE FIGHT NIGHT" on Thursdays at O'Shitty's. I decided to be a spectator for the evening. Instead of trying to take the life of someone, again, I turned my attention to the bar and began one of the most legendary benders in recent history. O'Shitty's only serves whiskey and tequila. Therefore, it was only obvious that I would mix them together and begin challenging strangers to contests that included push ups, pull ups, and arm wrestling. The Bartender made some comment about how he couldn't serve me after 2. I did what any other logical drunk would. I threw up on the man and walked home in a drunken rage. I do plan on going back though for "BRING YOUR GUN TUESDAYS."
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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

I was snubbed at the Oscars.... AGAIN

I am so sick and tired of the Oscars. First of all there is no category for best action scene, or most specialist bloody massacre scene. Therefore, yours truly would not be nominated for any type of award at this years show. I had a little bit to do with the movie Million Dollar Baby. And by little bit I mean that I had a very intimate relationship with Morgan Freeman and Hillary Swank, or as I like to call her the "swankster." I regret that the relationship fell apart but it was not right for her and I continue on in that fashion. Besides i have found a new calling in life. I recommend you try Crack .