Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Selling Crack Now?!?!?

"Yellow Tops!! WMD's WMD's!!! Got them BODY BAGS!! Right chere right chere!!!"

Wednesday observed saying this just yesterday in Hamsterdam by yours truly.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Kirby Cove is Magic

Kirby Cove is a land where dreams are made and fortunes are won and lost. Where the beer flows like wine and floating boat parts come in with every wave. A place where men and women alike can sit and enjoy a game of horseshoes or a baby seal carcass. This land is God’s country, and the mind expansion of the weekend was aided by flabongos and the stump bar. A perfect place to return to with one exception; Would someone tell that jackass to get off that god damned rope swing?!?!

Monday, July 27, 2009


Once in a while an idea so creative is formed that we need to take a step back and appreciate it like a work of art. Like the person who created easy cheese or pulling out, the full extension beer chug is revolutionary. Yes, it is extreme and messy, but gosh dangit does it look awesome. I salute the gentleman who created this site and I will be working extremely hard at having my visage line the halls of legends. The hall of fame is right chere!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Final Destina.....ZZZzzzz......

Final Destination 4 (Or snore as I like to call it...ohhhhh smell that burn)is coming to theaters in August and I could not be less excited. In these movies people are destined to die because they all escaped some terrible tragedy. They escape the accident because the main character has a vision the foresees the carnage. Then this person can't see into the future ever again(great idea!). Inevitably, people who survived start getting picked off in weird and, usually, complex ways. I guess that is why people go to see these movies in the first place. Well praise the sweet baby jebus that I don't have to worry about that because I already know what happens.

Sometime last night when I came out of a strong opium high I saw the trailer for this movie and am pretty sure I can pick out a few of the death scenes already.


Somebody is going to get crushed to death at a 30 minute oil change place. Just trying to put some in some oil and BAM! hyrdolics go out and a car crushes them.

It looked like one girl is going to get her head stuck outside of a sunroof while in a carwash and the machines are going to rip her head off. Surprisingly, this accounts for 500 deaths each year in the US alone.

Somebody is going to be hit by an errant race car tire. Much like Maude Flanders did (R.I.P.iddly).

At some point there will be an explosion that sends shards of stuff flying to kill maybe two people. I actually think this will happen twice.

Something happens with some sort of kitchen appliance. That's the only one I didn't see but I know it will happen.

A rock is going to shoot out of a lawnmower. Those damn kids need to stop throwing rocks on people's lawns.

And my favorite. It looks as though a gentleman in the movie is going to be swimming some laps and somehow gets sucked down to the pool drain where his insides are sucked from his body through the two hole.

So there you have it. I just saved you at least ten dollars. Why not take that money and buy some flowers for your mom or favorite hooker?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Could you get any worse?

Well Wednesday, it looks like you have hit an all time low. I read that in the end of the season you have a three episode arch as a yet to be know character on Entourage. Well if you aren't anything besides Turtle's retarded brother I would be surprised. Goddungit you suck.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

When are they going to release House Party 5?

I feel that the character development from the first four House Party movies didn’t give us enough time to fully understand the depth of Kid N Play. Their unique blend of comedy and fresh hip hop molded an entire generation. Not only did they teach us to throw a dope ass pajama jammy jam but they also showed us what it takes to be real with the ladies (oh Play, when will you ever learn to treat the ladies with respect like Kid!).

All I am saying is there has to someone out there who can produce this film with the same originality and honest eye that were evidenced in the first 4 films. I think that it might be time to get a petition going in order to make my dream a reality. Of course, we are first going to need to get KnP on board, but I think once we have them all the other pieces will fall into place. If not, maybe we could at least look at doing a sequel for Class Act.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

All Hail Brosieden! King of the Brocean!

He rules the sea with his trident. He commands the water and the animals therein. The powerful Brosieden has conquered the Brocean. His fury sunk the titanic and created whirlpools in the Bermuda Triangle. The floor of the sea is his living room. The coral reef his commode. Brosieden is a fair god, but there are two things that one should not mess with. His waves and his babes! WAPOW!!!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Suuuuuuuure Pal

Sometimes people make excuses for their behavior that are so outlandish you have to believe them solely based on the ridiculousness of the story. This morning I was delighted to read the story of a man who was kidnapped and forced to drink beers. From FOX News;

Utah ~ A man was kidnapped, force-fed beer and then abandoned on a Utah roadside in a possible case of mistaken identity, police say.
The victim — whose name and age were not available — was found by a passer-by walking across Legacy Highway near Centerville at about 9 a.m. Saturday, the Deseret News reported.

The man said he had been kidnapped roughly three hours earlier, according to Salt Lake Police Sgt. Dennis McGowan.

The victim, who was not seriously injured, told police he parked his car near his home when two Spanish-speaking men dragged him out into the driveway, the newspaper reported.

The story goes on to say that the kidnappers put a bag over his head, threatened him to stop selling drugs, and then made him drink two beers before throwing him out on the highway. Yeah…..I am going to go ahead and call bullshit on that. Rather I believe that this gentleman may have to instead be awarded The Greatest Mormon Excuse Ever for Drinking Award. Well played you racist bastard.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Wizard posts a classified

I found this interesting personal ad in the paper for a Wizard.

WMW seeks BBW 35-1000 who is into magic, owls, crystal balls and an*l. Looking for someone to develop a friendship with that maybe could lead to more? About me: 6’6’, 755 years old, 3 foot beard, white eyes, magical powers, gray and white hair. I am not a body builder but I am not fat either. My interests include summoning demons from the netherworld, bocce ball, casting spells, Japanese as a second language (I am also fluent in Elvish), developing potions, and collecting model ships inside of bottles. If interested, contact me and let’s see what MAGIC can happen.
P.S. I am super horny.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

It's About Time!

Looks like someone out there in this great country of ours took enough time to pull their thumb out of their ass and invent something relevant. For too long we have waited for an invention like this. I am not talking about a weapon to defeat the terrorists (I say we kill them…with kindness ;) ) or some sort of deadly pathogen to kill people who want to be on reality television (game shows not included, I love me some Price is Right like a motherfugum). No, I am talking about David Burke and his spray on diet. Yes, you read that right, now say it with me. Spray. On. Diet.

I want to thank David for his ingenuity. Why? Because we are a country built on obesity (we have the gold metal winners of fatass). If these sprays could make more people eat salad and vegtables by making them taste like mangos and pesto then mission accomplished. Some might say that we need to resolve the conflict with North Korea or perhaps find a way to stop Oprah. I say that we focus on making more spray able flavor. MOTHER FUCKING SMOKED BACON SPRAY BITCH!!!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

There has been an accident

I took Wednesday out on my yacht yesterday. We smoked some sweet cheeba and then had a mimosa filled brunch on our way out to the Farallon Islands. We anticipated some bird watching and maybe seeing a seal or two. After a long lull in said animal watching, Wednesday decided to take a dip in the ocean since his stomach had settled (if there is a bigger stickler to the 30 minute rule I would be surprised). Turns out that the water around these islands are filled with great whites this time of year. Whoops. Some would say I should have been more responsible with my knowledge of the waters. Seriously though, who am I supposed to be? Chuck Custeau?

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Robot Movie

Well I have not had a chance to go to the movies much lately. Due to outstanding gambling debts it is best I save up and stay out of public for the time being. One movie that I really want to see is the one with robots that can change into other things. These robots are from other planets and they are on earth to make life miserable for all forms of life. I think that the robots are all looking for some type of power source to feed their unhealthy obsession with power. They look like normal earthly entities but they hide deep secrets under all of that metal and paint. Ahhhh… whats the name of this movie? That’s right! It’s My Sister’s Keeper with Cameron Diaz.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

No more dead people rumors

This past week a lot of people died. A lot of people die every week but this past week was “special” because some of those people who kicked the bucket were celebrities. Due to that we are subjected to many columns and tributes to the careers of each of these people. It is a fairly standard procedure that people have always done when someone who was in the public eye passes away. The funniest thing about this past week (besides the fact that all of the celebrities passed away in order of relevancy) is that rumors started to pop up that Jeff Goldblum had passed away as well. Well he didn’t, but a lot of people were convinced he did. I see this on craigslist all the time;

Patrick Swayze loses battle with cancer

Liza Minelli found dead, likely due to overdose

Paris Hilton torn apart by pack of wild dogs

Sometimes I want to believe that these stories are true, I really do. However, in my heart of hearts I know that this is just a ruse. It still fascinates me that Jeff Goldblum did interviews on TV to let people know he wasn’t dead after all. This got me thinking. Why do people always write rumors about people dying? We should start doing rumors about people coming back to life. I think that would be much more fun and creepy. Did you hear that the corpse of Sammy Davis Jr has reanimated and is looking for his lost glass eye? CNN is reporting that TMZ is confirming that story right now.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Beware of Uncle Benny


Not many people know this, but the piers of San Francisco are ruled by a shadowy figure known only by the name Uncle Benny. I am risking my own life telling you what little I do know about this mystical crime figure. Contrary to popular belief this is not the same Uncle Ben of rice serving fame. This Uncle Benny is from Southeast Asia and has been in the city by the bay for close to a hundred years. Some of the facts that we have been able to verify in our dossier;

He has his hands in many different business ventures but none more successful than his string of donut, laundry and firework stores that he uses as elaborate fronts for beedie/cigarillo rolling

Long, gnarled, tobacco stained fingers as a result of that

Hates cats

Diminutive in stature, but a commanding presence

He rules with an iron foot as his hands have deteriorated from arthritis

Uncle Benny uses mail order brides from any impoverished nation as long as the girls are “clean”

Phenemonal mahjong player

He makes a killing with corn dog booths at farmer’s markets and fairs

His real name isn’t Ben

He also does catering for bat mitzvahs

Refuses to call Soccer Futbol

Once killed a man for riding by one of his restaurants and asking for him by name. Upon hearing that Uncle Benny was not around the man rode off in a huff. That was the last huff he ever rode off in.

This is all I have at the moment, but the more information that we have the better. Please leave your tips in the comments or send me an email if you know something that I already don’t.