Wednesday, February 27, 2008

101 is a good pump

I did 101 pushups this morning. Not 100, not 102, 101 pushups, military style. I was watching the Disney movie about all those cute dalmations the night before and it must have just stuck in my head. The thing I don’t get is I live by my own rules and never let my subconscious rule me, but one thing keeps on happening. If I hear a number before I go to bed I have to wake up the next morning and immediately do that amount of pushups. Can you imagine the time that my little boy Danny mistakenly left 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea at my bedside table? Needless to say, when my arms regained feeling we had a little chat. Don’t get me wrong, I love pushups, LOVE THEM. It’s just that 20,000 is a lot more than I am used to in my daily workout. I am trying to find a way to beat this problem. One reason is that I may be forced to lose a lot of my morning to doing pushups. The other problem is that if I get any more buffed I will be entered into the Mr. Universe contest against my will, and I don’t want to win that stupid thing again.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Let me tell you a few questions

1. Did you know that MAK WAHLBAG is the greatest actor of all time?
B. Did you know that I will knock your fucking teeth out if you disagree with me?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

What is love?

What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. By Leon Phelps

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Everybody plays the fool

Let’s be friends Wednesday, for serious. I feel really bad about how I have treated you. I am going to try and enjoy your company more and not make so many disparaging remarks. I will also promise to stop that whole jihad that I said I was going to deliver to you.


PS Hearts and Hugs

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Ya turkey

I just wanted to write a column of thanks to Doctor Steve Brule. His knowledge of medicine and his sophistication are unparalleled. There have been many times where Dr. Steve has taught me to go away from convention to get better results. His segments for living on your lonesome are fantastic, and I never knew that rubbing vinegar on yourself could decrease body odor. Thank you Dr. Steve and I hope to one day share a glass of SWEET BERRY WINE with you.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Open wide you son of a bitch

Roy Scheider has passed away at the age of 75. I got to know Roy when I was working on the set of Jaws. This was early in my career and I was doing some free lance stunt work for a few different studios. After a few days on the set I was elected to be the person who peddled the bike inside the beast known as Jaws. All of those scenes when shark is moving through the water at a tremendous speed is actually me peddling a ten speed at about 70 miles per hour. The hardest part was taking those barrels filled with air under the water with me. Actually, that was the second hardest part. The hardest part was making sure that the machine had enough speed right before Roy shot the compressed air tank inside. I jumped out of the back just in time, and the rest is cinematic history. Even up until recently we would phone one another and laugh about how many times that thing sank with me inside. You will be missed Roy, and you were one hell of a shot. RIP

Thursday, February 07, 2008

I stepped in a bear trap last night

I was taking a hike through a mountain range by my house last night and I stepped in a bear trap. I had never had this happen to me before and believe me it really hurts. My first feeling was owwwwww this fucking hurts reeeeeal bad. Then I started to think, “Who the fuck is still using bear traps?” I mean are we still in the olden days. I thought man killed bears with semi-automatic weapons and plastic explosives these days. Well, I guess I was wrong. This bear trap was in good shape and wasn’t rusty at all. I had to chew through my own foot to get out, but I finally made it. I just wanted to write and say to whomever it may concern that I made it out okay, but what about all of the small woodland critters that could step in that trap? It sometimes makes me teary eyed to think of thumper and bambi getting caught in the contraption that took my right foot. I think that whoever set this trap needs to think about that too. I would also like you to pay for my new robotic foot that I am paying for and making myself.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Not impressed

Super Tuesday has come and gone. What have I learned from it? All of the candidates have shitty commercials and I could care less about all of them. Not one person thought it would be a good idea to have a commercial of them in space fighting aliens on a foreign planet? Come on! Whether you like it or not, fighting off hordes of alien invaders is going to be something that this president deals with. Sooner or later we are going to deplete our resources or the aliens are going to do the same with theirs, leading to an inevitable hostile takeover by one over the other. I think that our next President should be aware of this type of problem and face it head on. I also noticed that none of the candidates has “giant laser” listed on their platform. We are going to need this laser. Maybe not now, maybe not five years from now, but by golly we are going to need it.
This laser could allow us the time to properly prepare for the looming invasion. It just bothers me that candidates still ignore the big issues and won’t take a stand for things that we will inevitably deal with. That is why I have decided to once again enter the presidential race as an independent. My platform includes the following;

• Free Healthcare
• Legalize Marijuana
• Giant Laser
• Better spaceships
• More holidays (I have some I made up)
• Free cable TV

I am getting to work on a commercial that can put into perspective the issues that I think so clearly define my first four years in office. Good day my fellow Americans.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Plan: Acquire, then liquidate Yahoo Inc's soul

The associated press has been grossly misinformed regarding a potential Yahoo acquisition. Popular sources have revealed that small internet start up, Microsoft Corp who operates out of a strip mall in northern Washington state, has attempted to purchase the internet giant Yahoo. When, in actuality, I had been negotiating on behalf of the Carmichael Corporation with Yahoo for over a year. I am not a man of convention or common practices - so you can imagine everyone's shock when I addressed the board of directors at Yahoo thusly:

“Gentleman, Yahoo has totally sharted the bed here. Clearly your users are starving for more pornography. There is too much useless content on your website that mires people down in the daily doses of the news, email, movie times, and phone book listings."

When you can walk into the room with stones like that people pay attention, or call security. In this case they paid attention. Now the only thing left to do was cross the t’s and dot the i’s. There was also the matter of money but I hoped we could make the deal without it. The final transaction between Yahoo and the Carmichael Corporation was sealed over a handshake and the ritualistic and brutal sacrifice of the nearest mailroom employee. I ate his heart, literally swallowed it while it was still beating, right there in the board room while the most powerful men in business watched me. Then I grabbed the chairman's tie and wiped some blood from the corner of my mouth and said “we'll be in touch.” Looks like the old rainmaker closed another deal. - DF

Awwwwww Yeah

TGIF! You know what I mean. I think that this monkey above feels the same way. I can't talk to animals but I think that we understand eachother. Kind of a don't mess with my shit I won't mess with your shit type of deal. Anyways, I plan on accomplish some big things on this Glutton Bowl weekend, and I hope your prayers are with me and this monkey who I have affectionately named Prince Bananahead.