Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday Question

Have you ever drank a cup of coffee so strong that when you peed it smelled like farts? No? Yeah, me neither, I was just asking.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Snuggie is for mouth breathers

I am sick and fucking tired of all of you assholes claiming that the snuggie is the second coming of Jebus or Mothra. It isn’t. The sunggie is a blanket with arm holes and nothing else. Let me ask you something if you really want a snuggie. Do you have a blanket at home? Do you own a pair of scissors? If yes, then you already own a snuggie. Do me a favor. If you really want to treat yourself to something both comfortable and practical to be a snuggly piece of shit with go with the one piece footed pajamas that this gentleman is wearing below.

They also work as a great outfit for Ninja Raids

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I just started playing World of Warcraft...for real

I am not a rich man by any means. To be quite honest I make just enough to cover my rent, food, and unhealthy liquor obsession. It doesn’t leave much room for other expenses such as heat or toilet paper. That is why I had been feeling pretty left out recently because I can not purchase the game World of Warcraft (WoW). It is mostly because I don’t have the money to buy the game and pay its monthly dues, but also because I don’t own a computer, and I guess you kind of need one of those. Turns out that you really do need to have the game on your own computer as public libraries and coffee shops have explained to me ad nauseam that I cannot install it on theirs. So with a heavy heart I looked for another way to experience this growing culture and I found it. I have started playing WoW for real.

Now I don’t want to confuse this with Live Action Role Playing
or other variations thereof. I do something completely different and let me explain. What I typically end up doing is I will drive out to a very secluded area that is far from the bright lights of the city. Typically, I like to go deep into the woods where animals will be my only companions. With me I will bring all types of medieval clothing (from my days in the renaissance fair, don’t ask) and a lot of swords and weapons (those are from killing people who come on my property). Once I have taken the time to pack up all of my belongings I take drugs. I take a SHITLOAD of drugs. Recently, I have been using a combination of acid, ecstasy, mushrooms and the tranquilizers they use on small animals. I will take this combo and hike out into the woods for the day. You never know what type of adventure is going to happen. Just last week I fought an Ogre to the death and swam in a pool with freshwater mermaids. However, when I replay the day after I have come down it was more like I fought a tree for a half hour and then fell in a creek where a fish swam up my ass. That aside it is a magical adventure and I think that if you have some time you should join me. My name is Burticus and I rule the wooded glen.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

That’s a badass tombstone

Over the past weekend a tragic event took place at a monster truck jam in Madison, Wisconsin. From the AP;

The Dane County Coroner says 41-year-old George Eisenhart Jr. of Chardon, Ohio, died after the accident on Saturday night in Madison. A witness tells the Wisconsin State Journal that Eisenhart walked out in front of one of the monster trucks just as it was about to pass by.

This is not a very positive story but I thought I would take a moment to share my thoughts. The first thing that I thought was that this is extremely sad. No one should have their life cut short so early and in such a freak way. The second thing I thought about was The Royal Tenenbaums and how after Gene Hackman passes away in the end they have a shot of his tombstone that reads;

Royal Tenenbaum died rescuing his family from a destroyed sinking battleship

Of course in the movie he had died from a heart attack but he wanted to have an epitaph that people would take note of. If George Eisenhart Jr. can take any solace from his untimely death, whilst watching the big monster truck jam in the sky, it is that he will most likely have one of the most badass graves of all time.


Friday, January 23, 2009

Damn I love Friday

To show Friday how much it means to me I would like to write it a real sexy R and B jam sung by a group like Boyz II Men. You know it would start off real slow with maybe some synchronized thumb snapping. Then in comes a little piano a lot of base and a tiny bit of drums to start that slow sexy beat. The kind of music you make babies in the rain to. Anyways, you get the group to start humming in the background and you have the short fat guy in the group with glasses start laying down verbal sex. You know it’s kind of like he is telling a story about how he did Friday wrong and that he now realizes the error of his ways. Then it’s back up to a chorus with all the guys singing again. They all sing together and maybe awkward skinny guy taking it to some high notes with unintelligible jargon that sounds real dirty. Something like;


After that comes the most important part to the song. This is when the quiet guy with the super deep voice comes in and just talks for a minute of song time while everybody claps their hands. He doesn’t really talk about anything in particular. Rather he just hypnotizes you with the depth of his voice and the constant use of the phrases “you know it’s true girl” and “take a moment to see what I am feeling.” After that you bring it back up for one more chorus and have the awkward guy take it to crazy heights and then fade out the same way you came in. BAM. Friday’s all moist and I just won a grammy.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Advice from Coach Finstock of Teen Wolf

There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Max Payne: As reviewed by this man

Do me a favor. Go see Max Payne right now or you are a total dooche. That was by far the greatest movie of all time. If it doesn’t win best everything at the Oscar’s this year I will fucking take my shirt off and fight some one right there. Don’t think I’ll do it? Fuck you! First off, Mark Walhberg is the fucking balls in this movie. He’s always wearing this sweet fucking leather trenchcoat and he is strapped to the fucking hilt with guns and all types of karate moves. So anyways, the movie starts with him trying to find somebody who knows where the people are that killed his wife. He is at this fucking queer rave party trying to get answers. He isn’t there to dance or listen to any of that faggot shit. He is there to get answers. He has all these broads all over him and he could totally fuck them if he wanted to but that isn’t his style. Plus he still wants to get the motherfuckers that killed his wife. Anyways, a bunch of shit happens and the cops think Mark is dirty, but he isn’t. He keeps trying to get answers but all these drug addicts are fucking dying and he can’t figure out why. I am not gonna ruin it but Mark eventually finds out what happens and then all fucking hell breaks loose. He gets like forty fucking guns and goes batshit on these fucking guys in one final shootout. Boom! Shotgun blasts two jerkoffs through an elevator. BAM! Makes a private security team into swiss cheese. Makes them look like fucking boy scouts. Mark is so fucking hard he doesn’t even wear a fucking bullet proof vest. Pansies wear bullet proof vests. I don’t want to ruin it but there are some great surprises in the end. Do me one more favor, and I am not asking, I’m telling. See this movie before everyone in America buys all the VHS copies from the video store.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

There is a new sheriff in town

One of the companies that I work for was nice enough to take some time off from firing people and cutting costs to allow the employees to watch Obama’s inauguration. I have to say that it was a very moving moment for both America and humanity in general. I think that we are looking at a bright new future with this man as our leader. That being said, I definitely had some thoughts come into my head as I watched our 44th president deliver his speech.

Yo-Yo Ma. Seriously? You could have any band in the world come and play and you pick Yo-Yo Ma. I am not debating this man’s musical talent but if I had a choice I would have had Kool and the Gang come down and play “Celebration.”

Where is Guliani’s kid when you need him? You have a lot to learn Sasha and Malia Obama.

No reaction shots of Dubya? I just was waiting for them to swing the camera by him and he is playing a gameboy or wearing the glasses with open eyes drawn on them.

Fireworks. When I become president there are going to be a shitload of fireworks.

George Bush 1.0. Did you see him wearing the fur trapper hat? What the hell does he have under that thing anyways? I am sure that it was some gift from Gorbachev back in the 80’s but still a little too much. I would imagine that people with that type of money take their brain in to get it rewired once a year and the hat is a good way of concealing the scars.

It didn’t look like there were many snacks out there in the audience.

All in all it was a momentous event and I look forward to seeing Obama fulfill his duty as our president.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Demolition Man = Window to the Future?

Last night I was at home flipping through the channels when I came upon one of 1993’s biggest action films, Demolition Man. This movie gave us a look at what life will be like in San Angeles (Los Angeles) 60 years from now. It is a pretty fantastical imagination of what we can expect in our future. From having Taco Bells as every restaurant to using three sea shells as a means of cleaning up after going to the bathroom, this movie really made some bold predictions. The scary part is that they may be true.
At a certain point in the movie Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) has broken out of the cryogenic lab where they freeze the prisoners. He was unfrozen for a parole hearing. I know it’s ridiculous but bear with me. In the next scene the police are trying to figure who would have broken out of the lab that day and they start going through the records of criminals that had parole hearings. Right before they get to Simon Phoenix the prisoner who had a hearing before him comes up on the list. It is Scott Peterson, the guy who killed his wife and unborn child, an all around piece of shit. At first I laughed at the coincidence and then I started to get scared.
What if Demolition Man can predict the future? What if all the things that this movie prophesizes will come true? If that is the case I had a few thoughts;

If there is a family that has the last name Phoenix and they name their child Simon and he happens to be a black child with blonde hair we might want to keep some tabs on him. Maybe try to work on some positive reinforcement and nature camps.

We are going to have to figure out how these sea shells work. I don’t want to be the guy who is still using toilet paper. I think that in the future you would get a lot of shit for that.

Get used to having diarrhea. If all the restaurants are Taco Bells this does not bode well for my anus.

I should get all of the swear words out of my system or risk getting fines every time I say something. Cock, fuck, shit, damn, horsefucker.

Finally, if we can’t bump uglies in the future because we have to wear stupid sex helmets I will most likely just kill myself.

Good God, I hope that Demolition Man is not a window to our future.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A whole new world

Now this is a great idea . So many times I have sat in my office (shitter) and thought about how much work I am exactly doing. Well somebody must have felt the same way because as I live and breathe it does exist. I also imagine that this is a popular item for people with eating disorders and obsessive compulsive behaviors (“I shoot for between 1 and 1.2 pounds per movement whether I am finished or not”). Anyways, my order is in the mail and I look forward to the maiden voyage. The only thing I am concerned about is whether or not there is a seat heater on it.

Friday, January 09, 2009

If I don't come home after this weekend

You will know it is because I lost my life hunting the Abominable Snowman. I venture in to the cold to seek this beast’s pelt. Of course, I will be doing so only with a hunting knife and my wilderness preparedness kit (jack daniels, fresh underwear, cheese flavored goldfish, and a copy of Adventures of Assman 8). Wish me luck but also wish the Snowman luck, he is going to need it.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Rich People Club

Has anyone noticed the rash of Millionaires and Billionaires that have committed suicide lately? It seems that every other day CNN of FOX has a news story that talks about how some rich guy killed himself because he was losing considerable amounts of money in our current financial crisis. It seems that this is the only way that these people think they can get out. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously, you would rather kill yourself than face the possibility of getting rid of the house in Aspen and giving up on the idea of building that gigantic new garage to house all your vintage cars. It really makes me question what it is that the loss of money means to people like this. Would all the other rich people make fun of you? Does the air not smell as sweet when you dip below the Billion Net worth mark? I keep trying to think of a way to explain what is happening and after careful thought I could only come up with one theory. Rich people have a secret club.
When you get to a certain level of affluence you become eligible to join the rich person club. Most likely, the headquarters for this club is located on some uninhabited island or is some type of ice fortress. At this place all the rich people have exotic animals that man has never seen, this includes dinosaurs, bigfoots and unicorns. Everyone has access to UFO’s to fly into space. You can eat ice cream for breakfast and have eggs for dinner. I would also imagine that there are no rules and plenty of servants to go around, most likely some sort of monkey butler. Seriously, there has to be something like that because you wouldn’t kill yourself for being less rich. Right?

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Greatest insult of all time?

I get into shit with people all the time. Why? Because I am an ornery old cuss that’s why! Whether it’s arguing about the price of stamps or waiting in line for a public restroom disagreements are bound to come up. When one tends to get in these situations it helps to have insults to punctuate the point that is being made. They also add fuel to the fire if you want the disagreement to venture into fisticuffs (I usually do because of my unhealthy bloodlust). This morning I was reading a very informative article from Joe Eskenazi of SFweekly that talks about the rise of douchebag as a major derogatory term in the lexicon of American insults. However, he takes it one step further and drops this knowledge nugget about his findings on international insults that carry some serious weight. His findings are as follows;

Yet among those who study profanity for a living, the douchebag is kid stuff. Reinhold Aman of Cotati publishes Maledicta “the international journal of verbal aggression.” He rattles off a series of curses that knock the vinegar out of douchebag:
“I shit in the beard if your father” (Persia); “Your mother’s milk is camel piss” (the Arab world); “Your parents have diseased genitals” (Ghana); and “I fuck the soul of your dead mother” (Serbian Gypsies). He hesitates before revealing the most vile, horrific curse he’s ever come across, a lament from Hungary’s peasantry: “Oh God, stop slapping me with your cock all covered with shit from fucking Jesus.”

Now THAT is an insult. To think that for years I have been using words like dipshit, fuckhole, and pederass to get under peoples skin. This article has opened a whole new world to me. I feel like I have a new wind beneath my wings upon which I can fly into the verbally abusive skies much higher than ever before.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Fan Mail

I received the following email and picture in regards to the post It is almost a New Year from last week;

My resolution is to stop reading your posts.

p.s. Don't worry about challenging yourself... you're "challenged" enough already!

Ohhh BURN!!

Monday, January 05, 2009

Top Trend of 2009: Body Slams

It is a new year my friends and I can’t be more excited. A new year means that we have a clean slate in front of us. Out with the old and in with the new, or so they say. I can safely say that this year’s trends have not had any time to establish themselves but I have a pretty good idea what some of them might be. If you will humor me here are some trends I see happening in 2009;

Old people doing drugs
This past year the talk centered on Senior citizens and their foray into new types of activities like playing the Wii and not shitting themselves in public. It is only a matter of time before these old timers become wise to another type of fad that has swept the youth culture of America, DRUGS! It makes perfect sense. Here are a bunch of people with tons of time on their hands and the disposable income to maintain that type of habit. I would get used to seeing a bunch of bleary eyed blue hairs checking out the latest Pixar film for the fifth time while decimating the popcorn supply at your local theatre. The scariest thing is that they already have tons of access to meds and with a little creativity and sharing our older generations will be flying high in ’09.

Backwards hats
I don’t know when this phenomenon died but it is surely up for resurrection in ’09. The style of late is to barely wear the hat on your head at all. Well, I am wearing my hat backwards right now and it looks dope. I am also contemplating that keeping the tags on the hat may make a comeback in conjunction with the backward style.

They are going to become the new dress casual at work places across the country.

I really feel that this might be the year for sandwiches to top burritos as the go to lunch time or dinner grind. Burritos are delicious but they have enjoyed their time in the sun for far too long. I base most of this argument on the fact that I have found Ike's Place , which has the greatest sandwiches I have ever eaten in my life. Sorry burrito.

Body Slams
This is my top trend for ’09. Over the years the body slam has become a lost art. It is a devastating way to end any argument and the hurt that it throws down is palpable. I just know that in regards to body slams I will be THE trend setter this year.
Having a problem settling the bill with friends?
Still trying to lose that extra 10 pounds you have been talking about for a while?
Don’t want to pay your bills?
Sick and tired of that douchebag at the office who walks around with an air of superiority because they think that they run the place?

You get the point.

Let me know what you think your trends for 09’ will be.