Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Max Payne: As reviewed by this man
Do me a favor. Go see Max Payne right now or you are a total dooche. That was by far the greatest movie of all time. If it doesn’t win best everything at the Oscar’s this year I will fucking take my shirt off and fight some one right there. Don’t think I’ll do it? Fuck you! First off, Mark Walhberg is the fucking balls in this movie. He’s always wearing this sweet fucking leather trenchcoat and he is strapped to the fucking hilt with guns and all types of karate moves. So anyways, the movie starts with him trying to find somebody who knows where the people are that killed his wife. He is at this fucking queer rave party trying to get answers. He isn’t there to dance or listen to any of that faggot shit. He is there to get answers. He has all these broads all over him and he could totally fuck them if he wanted to but that isn’t his style. Plus he still wants to get the motherfuckers that killed his wife. Anyways, a bunch of shit happens and the cops think Mark is dirty, but he isn’t. He keeps trying to get answers but all these drug addicts are fucking dying and he can’t figure out why. I am not gonna ruin it but Mark eventually finds out what happens and then all fucking hell breaks loose. He gets like forty fucking guns and goes batshit on these fucking guys in one final shootout. Boom! Shotgun blasts two jerkoffs through an elevator. BAM! Makes a private security team into swiss cheese. Makes them look like fucking boy scouts. Mark is so fucking hard he doesn’t even wear a fucking bullet proof vest. Pansies wear bullet proof vests. I don’t want to ruin it but there are some great surprises in the end. Do me one more favor, and I am not asking, I’m telling. See this movie before everyone in America buys all the VHS copies from the video store.