Thursday, December 31, 2009

THEY WILL DESTROY US ALL

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

STOP THROWING DOG SHIT


I have to admit sometimes I feel like things happen for a reason, that somehow an invisible force is guiding me. Today was one of those days. I walked out of my office (not the bathroom) to head towards a lunch spot to get some soup. Only when I got to the store they only had cream of broccoli available (I hate broccoli as much as I love puppies, which is a lot). So I decided to go around the corner and find some soup with no broccoli in it. When I turn the corner I see that two men are having somewhat of an animated discussion in front of a parking car lot.

One of the gentlemen in question is walking his tiny fancy dog, has a bag of dog shit in his hand, and looks something like this;

The other gentleman is an employee of the garage and looks like he is trying to explain something to our fancy friend. When I walk by the conversation it becomes clear that the parking attendant does not want this man to throw dog shit in the trash can he is putting a new bag in. What I heard went something like this;

Douchebag: What do you mean I can’t put the trash in this garbage can? That is RIDICULOUS!!
Attendant: This is a private trash can for the lot. I was just moving it inside right now after I had changed it.

I am just getting out of earshot when I hear a loud “HEY!” I turn around to see that our douchie pal had decided that nobody is going to tell him where he can and can’t throw princesses doodies. I bet he didn’t expect that the attendant would take the shitbag from the trash and throw it on his fancy new clothes. So he returns fire with the bag. Then the attendant does. Then douchebag throws it again And then they got into what I can only describe as some sort of slap boxing/dance routine. I wish that I had it on video because it would have been the type of thing that holiday miracles are made of. Keep doing your job invisible voices, that made my day.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT: BACK TO BACK GOLDEN GIRLS


ROSE THE PRUDE
In this episode we have a Rose centered episode where we find out many things about Rose's history and her character in general. Blanche and Rose take on blind dates and Rose's date turns out to be a jewel since he invites her to a personal cruise where Rose is faced with the question "can she handle being with another man since her husband died?"


A LETTER TO GORBACHEV

Rose writes a letter to both world leaders, Gorbachev and Reagan. She does this after a small child in her group draws a picture of a not so pleasant future for the world. Rose gets a response from the Soviet Union and a nice twist of events occur in Miami.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

DROPPING KNOWLEDGE


Thank you dump.com.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSBAG


At first I wasn't going to buy you anything for Christmas this year. Then I thought that even though you are a horrible, rotten, no good excuse for a day it doesn't mean that you shouldn't get something special during the holidays. So I thought real hard about the gift and decided to make you something myself. I hope you like it.

PS It's a box filled with my shit.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

CLAUS BROUGHT UP ON CHARGES


North Pole police have arrested one Santa Claus early this morning. The warrant for his arrest was issued when multiple elves came forward with accusations of sexual harassment and physical abuse. Stories are now coming to light with accounts of sub standard work place conditions and a climate of fear from the North Poles leading provider of jobs.

Tinkle Boogle, one of the elves, spoke about what led him to come forward against the SCHTW (Santa Claus Happy Time Workshop). “The conditions in the workstation are deplorable, we have one break every eight hours and injuries often go untreated,” said Boogle. “You would think we were working for Nike.”

Perhaps more damning have been the accusations of sexual harassment. The complaints paint a picture of a serial molester and masochist. One source, who refused to be named in this story, has said “let’s just say that he was a little bit more than ‘jolly’ when it came to his interactions female employees.”

When reached for comment Claus’ lawyer Frosty T. Snowman called the suit “pathetic and without merit.” He added, “Mr. Claus fully expects to be exonerated when both sides of the case have been presented in a court of law.”

Claus is currently still in North Pole jail as he was considered a flight risk. The elves are being represented in the suit by Gloria Allred and Mark Geragos.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

NEXT SEASON'S BIG HOLIDAY HIT


The script has already been written. I am just looking for someone with vision to produce it.

Get these motherfucking wise men out of my mother fucking manger! ~ Joseph of Arimathea as played by the great Sir Samuel Jackson.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

SOMEONE FROM COMMENTS HAS A CRUSH ON YOU KNOW WHO


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This message was in the comments section from my post on Friday about Buttons the sad cat. When I click on the text it takes me to a site filled with many young ladies posed like the picture above. Some people would have you think that this is merely some spam. Well, fuck those people. All of these pretty babes want to get frisky with Burt, not you! Don't try to stop our love.

Friday, December 11, 2009

THAT’S ONE SAD CAT


What could have possibly happened to make this cat so sad? I think that many would say it probably has something to do with that boring striped sweater he is wearing (stripes are out you know). I think that it is much deeper than that. There is a story here and I may just have the explanation.

In my mind this cat’s name is Buttons. He lives a comfortable life with his owners Stacy and Rob. Buttons likes to chase birds and take long naps. What he doesn’t like is having carrot cake on his birthday! I could just see the Buttons running to the table for his birthday dinner and instead of the chocolate ice cream cake, which he specifically had asked for, Rob blew the cake assignment on his way home from work and brought that abomination home with him. Way to go Rob! You ruined Buttons birthday.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I WORK OUT 8 DAYS A WEEK


Look at these guys. They are puny. It looks like they work out maybe 5 days a week, tops. I work out 8 days a week. Four days for the upper body (chest, back, guns), four days for the lower body (butt, calves, leg guns) and I do abs every single fucking day. This guy has the nerve to call his stomach the situation? More like no fucking situation dillweed (BURN! Hi Five). I call my abs the Annexation of Puerto Rico. Got that shit trademarked. I'm not even going to get into how much I bench. Step your game up fellas or all the guidettes are gonna be tuggin on my longshoreman when I get to town.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

NOT SO FAST BROTHER MUNSON

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Yesterday I read a story about Amish man who ran afoul with the law while driving his buggy. He was all hopped up on grandpappies cough syrup. You can read more about the story here . The thing that I thought was so good about the story was that it reminded me of this exchange from Black Sheep;

Motorcycle Cop: Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Mike: Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops.
Motorcycle Cop: SEVEN! SEVEN miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the *shoulder*!
Motorcycle Cop: I don't know how they do things up in Buckley Town, but down here, we are caution for other drivers on the road.
Steve: Roades, Roods.
Mike: [reaches back and smacks Steve] Quiet back there. Geez, raving psycho, we arrested him becuase he butchered over 300 chickens and screwed a Begal. I'm taking him back to Navada where he's wanted for Bangin Horses'.
Motorcycle Cop: [looks in the back seat and Steve smiles at him] Good God! Just make sure you get him through this state a little faster then 7 miles an hour officer...
Mike: Meoff... Jack.
[looks back at Steve and laughs making a jerking off motion]
Motorcycle Cop: Ok? now get him out of here.
Mike: Ookie Dookie.

Then I laughed because I imagined that this asshole was the one screwing beagles and banging horses.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

MACHO MAN TALKS TO MY SANDWICH


I am hungry as a mafugga right now. All I can think about is the sandwich I am about to eat for lunch. I don’t care what comes on it but it is going to be on a hard roll and covered in mustard. I plan on absolutely devastating this sandwich. The problem I have is that I don’t know how to tell this sandwich the kind of hurt I am going to put on it. Therefore, I have enlisted the help of one Macho Man Randall Savage to do the talking for me. Macho?

OOHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!!!! When Burt gets into the ring two hours from now to face off against the sandwich special you better believe there is gonna be a bloodbath. OHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! He’s gonna take that soft little sando and put him in a OOOOHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH RUNNING POWERSLAM!!!!!! Then its off to the top rope with a bag of chips, OHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAH BARBEQUE FLAVOR!!!!! Double elbow drop off the top rope with a bag of chips in his mouth OOOOOHHHHH YEAAAAHHHHH MAYBE SOUR CREAM AND ONION INSTEAD. OOHHHHHHH YEAH! Then its 1….2….3….and that sandwich is destroyed forever. OOOOOOOOOOOH YEAAAAAAAAAH.

Friday, December 04, 2009

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT


Episode 15: I've Got a New Attitude
Willie catches ALF from eating a box of chocolate that was to be a Valentine's Day present for Kate. This incites Willie to give ALF a lecture on how ALF does not respect private property and needs to adopt a new attitude. Also, Kate's mom is moving out of the Tanners' house. The problem is that her new neighbor, Whizzer, wants to come help Dorothy move her stuff. Which means ALF has to hide from him. Kate likes Whizzer and suggests that they invite him over for a dinner. Dorothy doesn't want that. ALF interjects by claiming to have spoken to Dorothy's dead husband Sparky's spirit, who wants Dorothy to move on. Apparently, all Melmacians have the ability to speak to the dead. Dorothy wants ALF to prove his ability and let her speak to Sparky through ALF...

Thursday, December 03, 2009

A SHOE FOR A SHOE


Remember the guy that threw a shoe at Dubya? Well he got a little bit of his own medicine this past week when, in a press conference, someone tried to deliver some footwear justice of their own. Don’t worry, he is ok. He was able to avoid the shoe using the same duck technique employed by his original target.

What I don’t like about this story is that neither man could connect with their target. Come on! If you are going to throw a show at someone it needs to be lightweight and balanced. You are never going to get anywhere in life throwing heavy dress shoes. You have to think about form and function. I could hit a man in a dead sprint from fifty yards out with any running shoe but if you asked me to do it with a dress shoe I may not even make it past my feet. Damn that polish!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

A NEW PLAN


Had a little bit to eat over Thanksgiving did we? Overindulged a bit? Then you have fallen into my trap. As we speak I've drugged you with a highly powerful neurotoxin. You won't feel the effects, at first. Soon your body will grow tired and you will wake up in a leaky garage with junk food all around you. At this point you may feel a burning pain coming from the 2 hole. Don't worry, it's all part of my plan. Or should I say Wu Tang's plan.

I'll fuckin sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you.


You are going to pop like a balloon fatass.

Monday, November 30, 2009

THANKSGIVING RUINED ME


Today has been horrible. When I say that I rolled out of bed this morning I mean exactly that. When I awoke covered in sweat from nightmares about eating and drinking I also realized that my back is in severe pain from a game of "two touch" football over the weekend. I then proceeded to roll onto the floor by my bed before falling asleep in the shower. Then I got on the bus and went to work. Right now I am falling asleep sitting up and I think I may have to go number three very soon. Hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

LET'S BREAK BREAD


I know that I give you a hard time Wednesday. In fact I hate you stupid guts, but this is the time of year to be thankful for everything that we have in life. Yes, even monster sized dongbags like yourself. That's why I would like you to join me for Thanksgiving dinner. We will drown ourselves in old fashioned's and then get high to the bejesus on tryptophan. Perhaps after dinner we could have a cigar or a puff from my ceremonial peace pipe. All in all it will be a wonderful celebration. I promise that I will be a gentleman and that no harm will come your way. Unless you consider Aunt Flo's Ambrosia salad torture(lol). See you there you dirty motherfucking asshole.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNY WAQUIAO


Today is the birthday of noted pugilist, chef, smuggler, cupcake aficionado, lover and all around great person, Danny Waquiao. I would like to raise my glass to toast our birthday hero and to remind everyone else to do the same. Here's to you Waquiao!!!

Love Burt

PS Watch yourself Knophlis.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

THAAAANKS DAD


A story making its way around the interwebs this week involves a father who took his 11 year old son to Hooters after a football game. The father’s plan was to see how his son reacted and gauge whether or not it was time to talk about the birds and bees. The World’s Number One Dad (I am sure he has the Tshirt) has now come under fire from others who find it to be bad parenting. The most common complaint is that you are teaching a child to objectify women at a very young age. While I completely agree with this assessment, it is not the reason why I disapprove of a man taking his son to Hooters. I find fault in his parenting because Hooters food is fucking terrible. How are you going to subject your son to something like that? Do you want him to move out at 18 and never look back? Well, that’s what is going to happen if you keep this shit up pops. The nuclear diarrhea that one gets from ingesting any type of Hooters entrée could tear assholes and families apart. If you want to see where your son is at in regards to the ladies leave a dirty magazine out and see if he takes the bait. But for the love of sweet baby Jebus do not subject him to those wings.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

HAVE FUN AT THE KUMITE


I entered Wednesday in the Kumite. If you are not familiar with the Kumite then I would not like to know you. Wednesday will have to compete with some of the worlds top fighters. I am pretty sure that the end result will be Wednesday shitting his pants as he says "MATE!" Why would I sign him up for something where I knew that the outcome would be less than positive? Well if I can take a page from the great Donald Gibb (Ogre) who plays Ray Jackson in Bloodsport...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

WANTED: BABY SEAL


Does anyone have any idea where I can get my hands on a baby seal? I have wanted one for a long time now and none of the pet stores in my area seem to carry them. First off, let me assure you that I have no intentions of harming this seal or eating its delicious (so I am told) blubber. I just want to have a baby seal that lives in the bathtub in my apartment. I have taken the necessary precaution of installing rubber floors so that the baby seal can leave the bathtub whenever he sees fit to bask in the sun from the skylight I plan on drilling through my upstairs neighbor's floor this weekend. It's pretty obvious that I have planned ahead with regards to this situation. The only thing left to do is to find said seal and name him. My first choice is to name him snowball but I also really like the name freckles.

Monday, November 16, 2009

TOUGH LOVE IS TOUGH TO WATCH


I wish that I could go back in time and spend the hour that I wasted on this show yesterday doing something much more productive, like watching paint dry. It’s not that the show doesn’t have its moments. All of the women on the show have their own unique form of crazy and I guess that is kind of interesting. There is the girl who used to be fat, the girl who wants to get married at all costs, and of course a nice little sprinkling of gold diggers (always after me lucky charms I tells ya). The thing that gets my goat about this show, and many other ones for that matter, are the obvious plans that some off these people have to become “reality famous.” It is only a matter of time until these ladies try to out-crazy one another for the title. Right now my money is on this lady;

Her name is Rocky and she considers herself to be a rocker, artist and tequila drinker. It just so happens that she has 10 songs written for a yet to be published album and she can rap too! With all that talent it’s a wonder why she would go on a reality show to find love. If this lady somehow finagles stardom out this show I will eat my own hat.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

WHAT'S ON TONIGHT


Corky gets lost and wanders around the mean streets of Chicago. He meets a kindhearted, young hooker who gives him his first sexual experience-essentially a few long kisses. (The episode is intentionally vague over whether they went further.) Corky is shadowed (and mystically guided) throughout the evening by a semi-mythic blues singer, the great Leon Redbone. Becca and Tyler spend a rainy, frustrated evening driving around Chicago looking for Corky, and end up smooching in the car. This episode was filmed mostly in black and white.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

IN YOUR FACE


Leave it to that knucklehead Garfield to sum up all my feelings about Wednesday in one poignant picture. Just look at him! I bet he woke up in the morning and put on those workout clothes ready to conquer the day. Then he probably realized that it was Wednesday. Now, I am not sure that animated cats can read calendars, but I bet once Garfield realized it was Wednesday he headed straight for the kitchen for some of John Arbuckle's lasagna. Why would he give any effort on the worst day of the week? He may be a fat and lazy fuck, but I agree with him completely.

Friday, November 06, 2009


Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.

FRIDAY IS AS COOL AS ANIMAL

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Knife Bird vs. Erotic Falconry


This first picture was sent to me by my friend Nad via the site for Unreality Magazine . This picture is not short on awesomeness. It also helps that Nad had this to say about it;

that eagle loves freedom and will stab you if you dont love it as much as he does

Truer words have never been spoken.


Then we have this photo...

It is from Erotic Falconry . There are many others on the site but this one sings to my heart. I imagine that if this falcon could talk he would be saying "BOOYEAH!"

To me, there is no clear winner. Both photos have a unique point of expression, but if either of these birds were wearing sunglasses we would have a winner.

If you think you can find a better picture of birds (WITH SUNGLASSES?!?!?) than these please send them my way. Or don't, its not like I give a shit.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Run for your life


Run you tubby little bitch. Run for your mafuggin life you lazy, smelly, good for nothing, abomination of a day.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Old Fashioned Thinking


"Call me old fashioned ... but I think we should worship the sun and moon as powerful gods, and fear them."
~Thomas Lennon

Friday, October 30, 2009

Keep your head on a swivel BC


My amigo, Shoopus Allieoopis, sent me a story about a young woman who has assaulted 4 men in Langley, B.C. The interesting part about these attacks is that they have all been aimed at the family jewels. Before you laugh about some girl going around and kicking guys in the nuts maybe you should read this excerpt from the article;

"I was looking down and then I took a passing glance and saw her walk up to me," he said.

That's when the young woman inexplicably kicked him in the groin hard enough to send one of his testicles into his abdomen.


That's right, into his fucking abdomen. JEBUS! If I am a guy living in BC you can bet that I am on high alert at all times with this crazy lady out on the street. I would also be wearing a cup and arm myself with pepper spray or mace. My balls hurt just thinking about it.

Some people had to go to work today

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tell you what dipshit


Here is what is going to happen. You are going to stop being the most unforgiving day in the week. If you don't, I am going to let the dogs have at the 12 pack of Oscar Meyer's finest tied around your waste. Your choice asshole.

P.S. A hungry dog will pretty much eat anything.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A look into the future

Every time I see pictures of Lindsay Lohan I have a few questions. What happened to her “bright” career? Why was Herbie not a critical success? How can someone work so hard all the time and still find time to have fun? And what will she look like if she makes it to 40? Unfortunately, answers to those questions seem to be complicated and hard to reach, all of them except the how she will look at the age of 40.

Earlier this year, I commissioned a crack team of age generation specialists to interpret what we can expect Lindsay to look like at the age of 40. The results were less than satisfactory. That’s when I decided that if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. So, I used my own hi tech software (MS paint) and came up with this depiction. It seems that all you have to do is draw some blonde hair on the Poltergeist lady and you have a dead ringer.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Scientists hard at work on sending Balloon Boys family into space


NASA scientists announced a plan this week to send the Heene family into space. The Heenes gained national recognition with a failed publicity stunt that involved one of the children and an experimental aircraft. The stunt did not deter NASA from exploring

“Our plan,” said chief NASA scientist Charles F. Poone, “is to take the aircraft design that the Heenes created and make one that actually works. Of course, we also plan on enlarging the craft so that the whole family can fit on board for this prestigious mission.”

Charges against the family have been dropped on the condition that they participate in the study. The Heenes have signed on and will begin preparations over the next three months.

Poone stated that the training will not be too rigorous as they have already been made aware of the families’ weak stomachs. They also want to make sure that the craft is built to NASA standards.

“What we want to do is create a craft that can safely send the entire family into space.”

When pressed about further plans to retrieve the family Poone was a bit perturbed.

“I don’t think you understand. The plan is to send the family into space. That’s it. Our greatest hope in that they go out into orbit and never return again. If the balloon pops on the way up, so be it.”

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's GLORIOUS


PLEASE CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO VIEW IT'S FULL GLORY

I am proud to say that this week's Wednesday post was user submitted. Our submitter, Katy, took enough time between knife fights to create this work of art. There are so many things about this picture that pull me in. The baby infecting Wednesday with what I can only assume are measles or the pig herpes. Giraffe Puke. Friday looking like he is a Fonzi esque playboy. Thursday looks like she is a total dime. And more giraffe puke.

Pictures like this take you away to another world. Their beauty inspires you to create and inspire. I imagine this is the feeling one gets when they see the Mona Lisa or a really good video of animals doing it. This picture is my Graceland.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I wash myself with a rag on a stick


A British gentleman weighing in at an astounding 980 pounds needs a life saving operation from complications with an eating disorder (I know, I was shocked too). The thing that fascinated me the most about the article (besides that this gentleman hasn’t migrated to the northern seas) were the statistics involved. I came up with a few of my own so see if you can guess which they are.

The previous world's fattest man, Manuel Uribe, once weighed an unbelievable 1,230 pounds, but has lost more than 500 pounds after following a specially designed, low-carb diet (hey maybe this guy should try that)

A typical fart by this man weighs 2.4 pounds

He has spent much of the past eight years in bed at his home in Ipswich in Suffolk, England (to be fair, it’s a waterbed and it’s awesome)

His daily caloric intake is 20,000. That is 34.72 Big Macs or 54.05 Taco Bell bean burritos

His health care costs taxpayers an estimated $165,000 a year.(you could buy a lot of Big Macs or bean burritos with that type of scratch)

A ride in the 5 ton ambulance to the surgery will cost $148,000

I really hope that everything goes smoothly for this man as he begins a new and healthier life. I also hope to have a Big Mac later.

Monday, October 19, 2009

My life is like Oregon Trail


When I awoke in the dark this morning and stubbed my toe I couldn’t help but think that this was going to be a great day. Mondays are already just super to begin with, what with all the dealing with hangovers and the sad realization that the weekend is over. For the past few hours I have been trying to figure out a way to describe this day and I think I found a way to express that sentiment.

Right now, I feel like I am stuck in the back of the wagon on Oregon Trail. We have no more bullets left, two more rivers to ford, and Mary just broke her arm. There is a 100% chance that things are going to shit.

Monday, you aren’t Wednesday but you are getting dangerously close.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

WWBD


Go home, eat a grilled chaz samich, watch one hour of PBS, work on that paper about 80's films connection to satanic ritual and then get in to bed before the demons come to take me back to Galagon 7.