Tuesday, June 30, 2009


This food is fucking excellent! Probably the best food in all of LA.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Powerful Greeting

High fives are getting stale. The chest bump is overplayed. Man hug is a little too soft. And the pound is for douchebags. That is why I have decided to explain to the masses the ATOMIC BOMB HIGH FIVE. All you have to do is follow the simple steps below and you to can salute friends and coworker alike with a high five that can cure cancer and impregnate both women and men with its sexuality. Without any further adieu.
Step 1 - Face partner with arm at 90 degree angle

Step 2 - Connect elbow and fist with high five partner and hold.

Step 3 - While holding elbows and fists together proceed in a downward motion.

Step 4 - While still holding together move violently upward.

Step 5 - Release hands and elbows while extending the arm and moving away.

Note: Emphasis can be added in step five by adding explosion sounds and jazz hands.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Watch him fly

I shot Wednesday out of a cannon this morning. He was pretty excited because there were a lot of people in the crowd. I can tell you something though that might ruin his day. He isn't going to be thrilled when he lands in the cactus patch that I forgot to cover with a landing tarp. Ooops.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

America's Pastime

The video above has been circulating around the web for the past few days. It is amazing, or as Dashiell Bennet from DEADSPIN puts it,"It's like the Citizen Kane of stadium fan fight clips." It does the video no justice for me to try and describe what transpires. You have to watch it for yourself. Ok, done? Pretty great stuff huh? I was impressed by all parts of this video. My good friend Shrek made a terrific point.

about the 8 sec mark where the young kid sneaks in a ballsy sucker punch for no reason. he' s well on his way to an illustrious bar fight record in his 20's.

I could not agree more. Look at that form! This kid is setting himself up(with the proper training) to become the ultimate cheap shot artist. If things go right I can see him making a name for himself in high school by running into fights that his friends are in, delivering a cheap punch or kick, and then running away. If he really applies himself I don't think that it is out of the question that he upgrades to using weapons by college. Let's keep our eye on this youngster.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Boo Hoo

When I see this picture the first thing I do is laugh. The second thing I do is think of this sound . Then I think of how perfect it would be if this sound had a long wet fart right after it. I think that best explains my thoughts on this person.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Trash Can Lawyer

The gentleman nestled in the trash can above is Larry (“Big L”?) Wilder. He is a lawyer in the great state of Indiana, and I am guessing, the owner of an amazing hangover this past Wednesday morning. It seems as if Big L had one too many on Tuesday night and didn’t quite make it into the house. Like Han Solo cutting open the Tauntaun in The Empire Strikes Back he did what he could to survive the harsh cold of the night. Hey Big L, how did you get so drunk?

Wilder says he was with friends for dinner and drinks in nearby Louisville, Ky., on Tuesday night but was driven home in a client's limousine and remembers little of what happened after that. A neighbor found Wilder in the trash can early Wednesday and called police, who helped Wilder home.

Why do people always have the craziest blackout experiences when they just went out for dinner and drinks? I have ended up in some interesting places in my lifetime after a night of drinking, and it may have started with dinner and drinks, but it sure didn’t end that way. I have a feeling there may be a hole in his story. He may be drunk with that explanation but not trash can drunk.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

So much better

What the fuck TV?

I have been trying to get my TV to work for the past three days without any luck at all. It seems like I have exhausted all options. I checked all of the cables and everything looks to be in order. My bunny ears on the top of the TV are sufficiently covered with foil. I even check inside my TV to see if something had gone wrong there. No luck at all. I am about to lose my sweet mind without the goodness of TV there to calm me, nurture me and make me forget about all of the horrible things that happened to me in that Korean sex dungeon when I was a young man. I need to get to the bottom of this, and fast.

Friday, June 12, 2009


This is the first thing that I heard this morning when I walked out of my house. It seems that a passing bus’ vibration had set the car alarm off on a shitty convertible. I sat at the corner and watched as the alarm went through all of the usual sounds (it is almost like knowing an old ace of base song. You hate it but the second you hear it you sing it in your head) and then turned off. Of course, no one came down to turn it off. This is what bothers me about car alarms. For the life of me I just don’t think that they are that effective. I mean the club has to be more effective than a car alarm. So with that in mind I have come up with a few new car alarms/theft deterrents of my own.

Have the alarm sound be the audio of Rosanne Barr singing the national anthem.

Have a novelty boxing glove come out of the airbag and punch people in the face.

Driver ejection seat if the weight does not match up. Note to self: Must warn friends when borrowing my car.

Sleeping gas in the AC unit.

No first gear.

Put angry badgers in the front seat. Of course you are going to deal with the occasional mess and rabies but no one will touch your car.

Any of those has got to be better than the alarm sound.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

This movie needs a title

I am starting to get the ball rolling on the action movie to defeat all other action movies (this action movie would be 20 year old Tyson while any other action movie would be this guy ). I have the story. All I need now is a love interest, the funding, and a title for the movie. My nomination is Space Fucker.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A shocking revelation

I was browsing through photos from a history book the other day and came across this photo. Needless to say I am hardly shocked. People usually say to me,"Burt, I think you might be a little hard on Wednesday!" Well I am hard on Wednesday for a reason. It's because Wednesday is a hateful bigot.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Penis getting harder

This picture is so fucking awesome that I don't have any control over myself right now. The only thing that could possibly make it more awesome was if looking at it could cure all diseases. Well, at least herpes.

I found this picture on Warming Glow . If you have the means I do suggest that you partake in said blog. It is oh so choice.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Question for a Friday

If you had to torture someone with one song on repeat which song would it be? I will start the discussion with my pick.

This song on repeat would be a tough one to take. Besides the synthesized beats and horrible "rapping" you have to contend with that woman shrieking about dancing now. I think this song would take me to the limit. Top that genius.

Thinking about a new job

I think I would like to start a new job as a wizard or sorcerer. I just don’t have any idea how to get into that profession. I assume the easiest way to start is to buy a lot of bathrobes, a crystal ball and some sort of pointy hat. Then its time to learn how to cast spells or summon things or maybe even get some sort of curse brewing in a cauldron. To be honest, like most things in my life I have committed to something with a minimal amount of thought, but I think I have found a niche here. I just figure that there aren’t many “professional” wizards out there for me to compete with. In the beginning I might do birthdays and old folk’s homes. You know, hone my craft and improve my spells while working with an easily entertained audience. In no time I will graduate to bachelor parties and graduations. Sooner or later I am going to get approached by someone in the entertainment sector and that is going to lay the groundwork for my own daytime talk show. I imagine it would be like Oprah with more magic (if that’s possible!!!). A few years after taking over the industry with my magic and timely wit I will get the primetime new special I have been looking for. That is when I spring my master curse and enslave the 9 million viewers that tuned in to watch me interview Oprah about how she lost it all when some fresh new magical go getter took everything from her. Yeah, I think this might work. Next stop is Walmart for bathrobes.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Pregnant Chicks!!!

The other evening my buddy, the Perezidente, and I were ruminating on world politics and the benefits of hedge funds when the conversation shifted gears. It seems that the commander and chief has a little something for the ladies with child. Yep, pregger ladies. We didn’t get into too much but he stated that it was something he had thought about doing for some time and was contemplating when to put the plan into action. I didn’t think about it much myself at first. At first. You see the more I think about it the better it sounds (not for myself mind you. It is illegal for me to be with a woman anywhere in the world because of my dynamic and life threatening love making) Here are a few of the reasons that I can see this working.

If a lady is pregnant you won’t have to feel like a pig when you’re a rummaging for pickles in the fridge at 4 in the morning. She would most likely ask for one as well.

There are going to be a lot of mood swings. That kind of drama can make for some explosive makeup sex. RAWRRRR.

Bigger boobs.

You aren’t going to feel bad about wearing clothes with elastic in the waist band. Your wardrobe is going to get about 64% (study done in July) more comfortable. Sweat pants and slippers all of the time!!!

Fatigue is also going to be a tremendous factor. Nights on the town are going to be at a minimum. No more fancy dinners (I only eat hungry man so I wouldn’t know what that is like).

Bigger boobs.

So I would like to salute this man for his ability to think outside of the box. I think that this is a tremendous approach to dating that most men or women (Burt has much love for the same sex couples) would not initially contemplate. So if you know a hot pregnant lady who is looking for love but thinks she is out of luck shoot me an email. I will have the Perezidente swoop you up in Air Force Juan.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Fuck it! Let's combine them all

There are certain ideas in the movie business that seem like they will always be reinvented for another generation no matter how shitty the idea might be. A few examples of this downhill trend would include Predator, Aliens, and the recent Terminator film. Jason Statham is also doing quite well for himself with the Transporter series. It just seems that producers want a proven commodity that they can suck the life out of and these movies provide that. Of course, we have seen some of these characters already combined in the critically acclaimed and Oscar nominated AVP series. That movie did not translate into a winner financially but it sure did keep Aliens and Predators in the mix for years to come. I recently read that there are plans for remakes of both these franchises and you can bet your sweet tits that those things are probably already in pre production. Well, I have a feeling that they might not do too well. Why? Because we need to combine all of them.

Here is what I propose. We take Chev Chelios (the transporter) and put him in outer space. He has to drive a Audi spaceship across the galaxy with a mysterious container in it. The container has a Alien/Predator baby in it and all of the Aliens and Predators are trying to get their hands on it. The spaceship is also a transformer. There are terminator pirates in space and they don’t take too kindly to life forms. Also, we will have the kid from Harry Potter play a magic helper robot that makes martinis. I am not going to give away too much but let’s just say there is a love story, a twist ending and six shirtless knife fight with the Stat.

The best part? I could make this movie under a budget of 500 million.

Monday, June 01, 2009

You may have won this time red wine

Savor the flavor of victory red wine. I may have overindulged in you a weeeee bit last night but mark my words you have not defeated me. Right now I feel like there are a thousand mini construction workers in my head using jackhammers on my temples, but it won’t last. I may be down today but you can bet your sweet fancy ass that I will be back later this week ready to take you on with a new level of commitment, same level of gas, and the eye of the tiger. You don’t stand a chance.