Monday, November 30, 2009


Today has been horrible. When I say that I rolled out of bed this morning I mean exactly that. When I awoke covered in sweat from nightmares about eating and drinking I also realized that my back is in severe pain from a game of "two touch" football over the weekend. I then proceeded to roll onto the floor by my bed before falling asleep in the shower. Then I got on the bus and went to work. Right now I am falling asleep sitting up and I think I may have to go number three very soon. Hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


I know that I give you a hard time Wednesday. In fact I hate you stupid guts, but this is the time of year to be thankful for everything that we have in life. Yes, even monster sized dongbags like yourself. That's why I would like you to join me for Thanksgiving dinner. We will drown ourselves in old fashioned's and then get high to the bejesus on tryptophan. Perhaps after dinner we could have a cigar or a puff from my ceremonial peace pipe. All in all it will be a wonderful celebration. I promise that I will be a gentleman and that no harm will come your way. Unless you consider Aunt Flo's Ambrosia salad torture(lol). See you there you dirty motherfucking asshole.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Today is the birthday of noted pugilist, chef, smuggler, cupcake aficionado, lover and all around great person, Danny Waquiao. I would like to raise my glass to toast our birthday hero and to remind everyone else to do the same. Here's to you Waquiao!!!

Love Burt

PS Watch yourself Knophlis.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


A story making its way around the interwebs this week involves a father who took his 11 year old son to Hooters after a football game. The father’s plan was to see how his son reacted and gauge whether or not it was time to talk about the birds and bees. The World’s Number One Dad (I am sure he has the Tshirt) has now come under fire from others who find it to be bad parenting. The most common complaint is that you are teaching a child to objectify women at a very young age. While I completely agree with this assessment, it is not the reason why I disapprove of a man taking his son to Hooters. I find fault in his parenting because Hooters food is fucking terrible. How are you going to subject your son to something like that? Do you want him to move out at 18 and never look back? Well, that’s what is going to happen if you keep this shit up pops. The nuclear diarrhea that one gets from ingesting any type of Hooters entrée could tear assholes and families apart. If you want to see where your son is at in regards to the ladies leave a dirty magazine out and see if he takes the bait. But for the love of sweet baby Jebus do not subject him to those wings.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I entered Wednesday in the Kumite. If you are not familiar with the Kumite then I would not like to know you. Wednesday will have to compete with some of the worlds top fighters. I am pretty sure that the end result will be Wednesday shitting his pants as he says "MATE!" Why would I sign him up for something where I knew that the outcome would be less than positive? Well if I can take a page from the great Donald Gibb (Ogre) who plays Ray Jackson in Bloodsport...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Does anyone have any idea where I can get my hands on a baby seal? I have wanted one for a long time now and none of the pet stores in my area seem to carry them. First off, let me assure you that I have no intentions of harming this seal or eating its delicious (so I am told) blubber. I just want to have a baby seal that lives in the bathtub in my apartment. I have taken the necessary precaution of installing rubber floors so that the baby seal can leave the bathtub whenever he sees fit to bask in the sun from the skylight I plan on drilling through my upstairs neighbor's floor this weekend. It's pretty obvious that I have planned ahead with regards to this situation. The only thing left to do is to find said seal and name him. My first choice is to name him snowball but I also really like the name freckles.

Monday, November 16, 2009


I wish that I could go back in time and spend the hour that I wasted on this show yesterday doing something much more productive, like watching paint dry. It’s not that the show doesn’t have its moments. All of the women on the show have their own unique form of crazy and I guess that is kind of interesting. There is the girl who used to be fat, the girl who wants to get married at all costs, and of course a nice little sprinkling of gold diggers (always after me lucky charms I tells ya). The thing that gets my goat about this show, and many other ones for that matter, are the obvious plans that some off these people have to become “reality famous.” It is only a matter of time until these ladies try to out-crazy one another for the title. Right now my money is on this lady;

Her name is Rocky and she considers herself to be a rocker, artist and tequila drinker. It just so happens that she has 10 songs written for a yet to be published album and she can rap too! With all that talent it’s a wonder why she would go on a reality show to find love. If this lady somehow finagles stardom out this show I will eat my own hat.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Corky gets lost and wanders around the mean streets of Chicago. He meets a kindhearted, young hooker who gives him his first sexual experience-essentially a few long kisses. (The episode is intentionally vague over whether they went further.) Corky is shadowed (and mystically guided) throughout the evening by a semi-mythic blues singer, the great Leon Redbone. Becca and Tyler spend a rainy, frustrated evening driving around Chicago looking for Corky, and end up smooching in the car. This episode was filmed mostly in black and white.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Leave it to that knucklehead Garfield to sum up all my feelings about Wednesday in one poignant picture. Just look at him! I bet he woke up in the morning and put on those workout clothes ready to conquer the day. Then he probably realized that it was Wednesday. Now, I am not sure that animated cats can read calendars, but I bet once Garfield realized it was Wednesday he headed straight for the kitchen for some of John Arbuckle's lasagna. Why would he give any effort on the worst day of the week? He may be a fat and lazy fuck, but I agree with him completely.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.


Thursday, November 05, 2009

Knife Bird vs. Erotic Falconry

This first picture was sent to me by my friend Nad via the site for Unreality Magazine . This picture is not short on awesomeness. It also helps that Nad had this to say about it;

that eagle loves freedom and will stab you if you dont love it as much as he does

Truer words have never been spoken.

Then we have this photo...

It is from Erotic Falconry . There are many others on the site but this one sings to my heart. I imagine that if this falcon could talk he would be saying "BOOYEAH!"

To me, there is no clear winner. Both photos have a unique point of expression, but if either of these birds were wearing sunglasses we would have a winner.

If you think you can find a better picture of birds (WITH SUNGLASSES?!?!?) than these please send them my way. Or don't, its not like I give a shit.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Run for your life

Run you tubby little bitch. Run for your mafuggin life you lazy, smelly, good for nothing, abomination of a day.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Old Fashioned Thinking

"Call me old fashioned ... but I think we should worship the sun and moon as powerful gods, and fear them."
~Thomas Lennon