It's not yo cheese

I went to a wedding this weekend. The best way to describe what happened is through the following math equation;

BURT + FREE BOOZE + FREE FOOD = HANGOVER

Therefore I am going to be lazy today and tell you a question. If a gun was put to your head and you have to choose would you pick nachos that were made from scratch or nachos with the cheese that comes in a can? There is no wrong answer.

Predator for President

Yesterday an article was written about Sonny Landham and his bid to become elected to the Senate. What makes this interesting is that Sonny Landham played Billy in perhaps one of the greatest films in modern history, Predator. He follows a long line of actors from the film that made eventual forays into the world of politics. There is the “Gubernator” Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, and “Action Jackson” himself Carl Weathers. I don’t think it is much of a stretch to imagine Sonny making it into the Senate based on the track records of his Predator compatriots. I think it would be great if that happened because it is inevitable that once he gets in the Predator has to run for president. It would be embarrassing if he didn’t.

There is no doubt in my mind that the Predator would make a wonderful president. Yes, I do realize that race would be a big factor in the election but I think that the other things that he brings to the table would make that a non factor. For one, he is a lethal killing machine from another world (citizenship could be an issue). Do you think for one minute that Predator is going to go to a peace summit? Nope, things will just go how he says. As my pal HAMilton would say, “big shit poppin, little shit stoppin!” Secondly, he would save us tons of money that the president routinely gobbles up. Think about it. Secret Service would be gone. Why? Because he can turn invisible any time he wants and he has a gigantic gun on his shoulder. Air force one? Oh you can junk that thing, he has his own SPACESHIP! Finally, this guy has hunted the most horrific and vicious creatures in the galaxy so dealing with politicians on a daily basis should be a snap.

Right now there is not much time to announce his candidacy so I have to believe he is waiting to see how Sonny fairs in the upcoming election. My feeling is that he will wait until the next presidential election to throw his name into the cap. That, or he stages a hostile takeover whenever he feels like it. I would lean more towards the later.

Thank you Wipeout

I watched the TV show Wipeout’s premiere last night and I have to say that I enjoyed it. There is nothing in the entire world that is more satisfying than seeing out of shape and uncoordinated people try to do obstacle courses that are clearly above their level of skill. I laughed so hard at one point that I pooped myself a little. However, I do have a few suggestions to the contestants on the show that I think could lessen the humiliation that the cameras catch;

Don’t try to relate the course to someone that you have been with in the past. The very first contestant said she was going to “treat the course like her ex-boyfriend and kick its ass.” Well, she didn’t. I am sure that after you flopped all over the place and barely finished the course he has realized the error in his ways and wants you back.

Don’t try to relate the activity to something else you have accomplished in life. One contestant had hiked to the top of a mountain and rides a motorcycle, Big Fucking Deal. That has nothing to do with your fat old ass on a rope swing and falling into pools of mud.

Don’t wear pants. For the love of god why would you wear pants? It’s like the kid in baseball who played in jeans.

Now those are only a few critiques that I have of the show. I am sure I will have more but if you happened to have caught it please let me know your thoughts.

Update: They already knew about them

A while ago I wrote an article about this lost tribe of people that had not been discovered until recently. Well it turns out that this is not the case;

As it turns out, the story is only half true. The men in the photo are members of a tribe, but it certainly isn't "lost." In fact, as the photographer, José Carlos Meirelles, recently explained, authorities have known about this particular tribe since 1910. The photographer and the agency that released the pictures wanted to make it seem like they were members of a lost tribe in order to call attention to the dangers the logging industry may have on the group.

Yeah, I am sure that this has everything to do with logging. We all know that this is part of their clever plan to try and take over America. As I said earlier we must stop these terrorists at any cost. They already knew about these people and did nothing about it. So that means that these people have had close to a hundred years of time to stockpile the weapons needed for a hostile takeover of America. I dom't even want to think about the many body painting techniques they have invented in that time. I for one think we need to mobilize even more young men and women to stop this threat from Americas beard. If we have not done this the terrorists have won. Also, if I don't have a turkey club for lunch today the terrorists will have won. And if you can't take that type of American attitude, you can get out!

Well if your so god damned smart how come you can’t do 100 pushups?

Well Einstein, I am waiting. Sure, you may be able to describe to me the difference between types of elements on the periodic table, but I bet you can’t do 1000 situps before breakfast. What’s that you say? You were head of your class at Harvard law and you had a 4.0 grade point average. Well LADI Fucking DAH Florence Nightengale. I would bet pretty good money that you can’t run the 100 yard dash in less than twelve seconds on your best day. Sure you may be book learned and know how to work a computer, but I can bench press 500 hundred pounds 3 times. I guess what I am saying is that people will always try to one up you with irrelevant facts about their education history or their big ole brain capacity, but in the end it comes down to one thing. If a pickup truck fell on top of someone in front of you would you be able to pick it up and save that persons life? I didn’t think so jackass.

Get out of my home

A major story as of late in Berkeley has been the ongoing standoff between UC Berkeley and environmental groups in regards to some trees near the campus. The issue is that the school wants to cut these trees down in order to break ground on a new athletic facility. This was not taken well by many environmental groups in the area and in a response they have climbed the trees and set up camp. People have now been living in these trees for well over a year. The school has tried to make many efforts to get the people out of the trees, many of which have not stopped the people protecting the trees from remaining in them as a residence. Well, it looks as though more force has been used as of late and the argument is reaching a crescendo.

I really don’t have a particular feeling one way or another as to how this issue turns out. However, I enjoy a good squabble and there is nothing like completely different people trying to change eachother’s viewpoint through loud words and mean faces. I decided to head on down to Berkeley and see what all the fuss was about. When I got there I was surprised to realize that people were so caught up in their arguments that no one would speak with me about how this situation made them feel. So I did the next best thing. Using my gift of speaking with animals I had a chance to speak with a young squirrel named Larry. Larry is from Oakland but now lives in one of the trees in question. We talked at length about the situation but I think these were his most poignant remarks;

You know quite frankly I am ready for this to end. I love my tree but these hippies are horrible roommates. They just sit up here all day listening to Jam band music and eating granola bars. Do you know what shit smells like when all you eat is granola bars? It is horrible to me and I am a fucking animal. Even more unnerving is the smell of these guys. If you didn’t know already, trees don’t have showers in them. Mix that with the already normally poor hygiene of my newest roommates and you have a relative stinkapalooza. If I have to listen to one more of these assholes talk about what they are doing to save the environment and the world I am going to snap. Yes sir, I am sure that the utopian society you speak of were everybody like “does stuff” for one another can exist but lets focus on the now.

It is pretty obvious that Larry has a few problems with the current state of affairs but looks at life with a grain of salt. Besides, he said that there are a lot of other trees out there, so if he has to move on he can.

The Lakers lost

Well it is finally nice to see that Kevin Garnett has won an NBA championship. He already had built an impressive career that was sure to be recognized by the hall of fame when it is complete. This championship is just a positive note to add to an already illustrious career. Congratulations.

Now that I am done swinging on K.G.’s nuts I would like to get down to what really made me happy yesterday evening. My heart was aflutter as I watched the Lakers’ players sit through the second half of what looked like a high school basketball game. A high school basketball game that would be on par with a team full of blue chip division 1 recruits versus the school for the blind. Now I have nothing against blind people, I am blind in my left eye from a knife fight I had when I was in the shit. I have a problem with the Lakers and the fans of the team in general. As you can imagine last night was a wonderful experience for me. I felt like I was given a basket filled with puppies that piss whiskey and crap weed. It was just a wonderful experience to behold. Yet, there was one thing that I think made this victory a bit sour for me, that the Celtics didn’t clinch the victory in L.A.

It would have been wonderful to see all the fan reaction when the air was sucked out of the Lakers season. Would Justin Timberlake (I call him JT) have run onto the court to celebrate with the Celtics after they won, even though he was there to support the Lakers? You bet he would. Would Will Smith have abandoned Jada to give reverse HJ’s to Sam Cassell? For sure! It is because people in LA are into trends and when a new trend hits they jump off that sinking ship, and fast. So now that the Lakers season has ended and we all have to sit through their explanations of how they lost this championship that so many said they would win, I wonder what the next big thing will be. I am going to go out on a limb and say that is has something to do with hammer pants or movies based on gay robots.

What have I done to anger the weather gods?

I am at a loss for words when it comes down to the recent weather trends we are experiencing. One day it can be quite sunny and pleasant and the next you can find me on the couch buried under blankets like those creepy grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. No, I don’t get buried under blankets with a bunch of octogenarians, I just sit under the warmth of blankets to hide the loss of my faculties due to the cold. I turned the heat on yesterday. It is June for love of pete. Which leads me to my question, which God did I anger to make things this way?

I am not trying to say it is completely my fault, but it probably is. Was there some ritualistic sacrifice to be made that I missed? Did I not pray in the right direction when the sun was setting? Does Marclar, the god of horrible films, have an the ear of other Gods? Yeah, so I didn’t like Air Bud 2. That doesn’t mean that you have to talk to your buddy in the weather department and make my life shitty. I mean c’mon it is a movie about a dog that plays basketball.

Look, I am really sorry about whatever I did to inspire this bad weather but I want to make things good again. Please give me a sign as what to do to appease you. I have no problem with pretty much anything that you need me to do. Just don’t make me watch Air Bud 2 again.

Thank you Jebus

It is as if some magical fairy had been watching my dreams and decided to combine them all into one object. I feel as though the mighty gods have taken pity on the things I have had to endure in life and are now trying to make up for it. This is a good start, a very good start .

Sometimes I wonder if heaven got a ghetto

Just the other day I was listening to the song by 2PAC and it got me thinking? Does heaven really got a ghetto? If most popular theories are true, heaven is a magical land where all of one’s wildest dreams can come true, a land of champagne wishes and caviar dreams. I think that 2PAC was merely asking whether or not there would be a place for his lifestyle in heaven. My question is can heaven handle the type of ill shit that I would like in my personal heaven? I am not going to sit here and describe what my personal heaven is like to the rest of you. Frankly, because I think that my heaven is way too sexy and awesome for most people to handle. If my heaven was described to people their heads would explode and the world itself would detach from its gravitational pull hurtling the rest of society towards a final collision with the Sun or Mars (not sure). I am not saying that you couldn’t have an equally awesome and sexy heaven. I am just saying that it probably isn’t likely. Please feel free to try and describe what you think would be the greatest version of heaven but remember head explosions and the sun.

FOX's newest fall hit

Well it took some time, but I finally was able to get a pilot with FOX. Yes, I realize that it is not that hard to get a pilot with FOX considering that show with Kelsey Grammer and the other one about prison sex. However, an opportunity is an opportunity, and I really think this idea has some legs. Let me give you a little sneak peek into what you can expect on the soon to be megahit Office Butler. A brief synopsis;

The show follows Edward Longington, a Royal Butler from the United Kingdom, who has been relieved of his service due to inappropriate sexual contact with the Royal Maid staff. Humiliated by a tarnished reputation and a lack of job openings Edward takes a job as the butler for a wacky computer sales company in San Francisco. A butler for a sales company?!?! Exactly! Edward is going to have a lot to learn when his formal attitude meshes with the zany staff of Center Source. Of course, as Edward starts his new job he starts to make both friends and enemies among the staff. He finds problems with the overbearing facilities manager Thad Munclap and develops a friendship with the mildly retarded company janitor Harvey Musterman (who in a twist is not retarded, and is actually the CEO). There is also the love interest of Mary Shinnmanburg, the one eyed narcoleptic secretary and the constant threat of deportation. British restraint is put to the test when Edward Longington is Office Butler, Saturdays at 12am on FOX.

I don’t know about you but I think that this show is going to be the fucking bomb. I know that I wrote it, but I think I am being fairly impartial. Besides, Mad TV is still on at that time, and that heaping pile of shit doesn’t have anything on Office Butler. This show is going to make 60 minutes look like Romper Room. - AL, CK, MH

I want to get in shape...Prison style

Last night I had the pleasure of watching Lockup on TV. If you haven’t seen the show it chronicles America’s prisons and the people who inhabit them. Most shows deal with the same type of things; riots, drug sales, gang affiliation, intercommunication between convicts and gang rape….sweet sweet gang rape. The one thing that I don’t think they focus on enough is how guys who are confined to cells for 23 hours a day stay in such wonderful shape. Sure, you have all the time in the world to masturbate but I think it is more than that. Its all about getting that prison swole. The Urban Dictionary defines swole and even gives an example in a sentence;

To be big, with large muscles.

Usually one gets 'Swole' or 'Swole Up' while in prison because of excessive lifting weights.

In Texas usually pronounced Shwole.
'oooooooooooie that maaafucker is swole!!!

I think that if I was going to get “swole” I would focus on the pushups and resistance training. I hear that rolling up ones mattress is a good way to do some power lifting. I also remember this movie with Michael Keaton where he fills up bags with water and does curls with those. That might work.

But why would you be worried about getting swole in prison you may ask? My theory is that sooner rather than later I will be going to jail for some offense. My biggest fear is that I will be released back into general pop without the physical strength to take on five or six men in a shower knife fight. Please let me know if any of you have some exercise routines that may help.

I thought this was ergonomic

One of the companies I work for has changed its base of operations and today is the first day at the new site. The first thing that I have noticed is that everything in the office is ergonomic. My new chair…. Ergonomic. My new modern cubical working space with built in closet….. ergonomic. White board to diagram up game plays and draw pictures...yep, ergonomic. I have not christened them yet but word on the street is that the toilet seats are ergonomic too. Now I am not really sure what ergonomic means but I think it has something to do with the Greek god of comfort. Wikipedia defines it thusly;

Ergonomics is the scientific discipline concerned with designing according to the human needs, and the profession that applies theory, principles, data and methods to design in order to optimize human well-being and overall system performance. [1] The field is also called human engineering, and human factors engineering.

Well for some odd reason I feel that this is a bit of an overstatement. If I was to define ergonomic it would probably have something to do with Lazy Boys, a microwave, and a magazine rack for my consistently long bathroom breaks (nobody drops the Cosby’s off at the pool with the dedication and precision that I do).

Maybe I just haven’t given this ergonomic trend a fair shake. Maybe in time I could learn to love and grow in an ergonomical enviorment, but right now my back is killing me and nobody has explained where the free snack room is. FUCK.