Monday, August 31, 2009

Brule Bucks

I took the opportunity and finally got around to printing my own form of money. Instead of a dead president I decided to honor the great Dr. Steve Brule. Brule Bucks should work just about anywhere so why not print out a few and go out to a nice steak dinner? Don't let people try to tell you that it isn't of any value, even if they are "bankers".

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Oldie but a goodie

Just the other day astute reader and friend from the interwebs Erich asked if I had ever had the chance to review 1993’s blockbuster hit Judgment Night. I was ashamed to say that I had never shared my thoughts on this film. Clearly, the time has come. Where to begin?

Well, let’s start with the fact that the movie stars the Mighty Duck himself, Mr. Emilio Estevez (Fun Tidbit: It’s rumored that Estevez has actually killed more than double the amount hookers Charlie Sheen has… and they are brothers!!!). So you take the MD, and then you sprinkle in Radio, Ari Gold, and the bad guy from Blade. But wait, they didn’t stop there. Add one part Dennis Leary, one part luxury RV and a total lack of common sense and you can see why this movie soars.

The greatest part about the movie has to be this scene(especially the 4:40 mark);

Oh you truly are a merciful god to be sure. I can watch him fall off that roof on repeat. I wish I had a gif of that moment. If I only could bottle up that moment and save it for all time. The only thing that would have made this movie better is re-shooting it with the cast of Entourage and nobody makes it out alive.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A perfect gift for that special someone

My good friend the Perezidente sends me a weekly update on what’s new over at Baron Bob’s.
If you haven’t had a chance to peruse the inventory then I highly suggest you take a look. Sites like this have a certain understated class that I think is sorely lacking these days on the interwebs. Also, they are the single biggest purveyors of the flabongo in Northern California (FLABONGOS ARE FUCKING SWEET!!!).

This morning when the update came I have to say I was taken aback by the Baron’s latest offering. After seeing wiener cleaner soap or the mooning gnome, one would think that they could never outdo themselves (oh they have sista!).

Introducing, the Monthly Doos 2010 Dog Poop Calendar.

This is one classy calendar. The perfect gift for the uncle that no one speaks to anymore or the asshole at the top of this post. Not you Perezidente. The cockbrush getting the flowers.

Friday, August 21, 2009

He's back

At first, hitman monkey seemed to make a lot of sense to me. What better way to eliminate ones enemies then by using the unassuming primate. People tend to think that monkeys are mostly crap tossers when it comes to aggressive tendencies. What those gentle persons fail to realize is due to their retard strength and opposable thumbs they are excellent "cleaners". And that's fine. Who am I to judge how someone makes a living? What I don't agree with is contract hits on puppies. Now that is just ridiculous!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

God Damned Breakfast Machine

My Rube Goldberg breakfast machine didn't work this morning and I am a hot little pepper as a result of that. Admit ably, I was not very alert when I woke up and I may have forgotten to put the egg in the machine and put the toast on my pterodactyl. I had no idea that the result of that would be a three alarm fire and severe burns over my entire body. I think that I have learned my lesson when it comes to cooking. If I am going to use an elaborate machine to cook breakfast I should probably start working on a robot butler. A robot butler whose specialty is omelettes.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Obessesed (not so much)

If you have not seen Obsessed yet…don’t. I want the two hours back from my life that I could have spent sleeping or fixing my potato gun. Seriously, I would gladly take up a hobby like knitting or working with killer bees if I could erase this film from my memory. It seemed as though the entire movie was one large take for Beyonce to try and pretend she wasn’t in a music video (psst…it didn’t work).

You’re better than that String!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Looking for my Goomah

Orange male, 24, pretty tall, fucking jacked. Looking for a girl who likes tanning and going to clubs. You got to be a good cook but not a better cook that my mother. I work out 8 days a week so you better be in shape, no fatties. I have three tattoos; one tribal, one barb wire and one tribal barb wire. My hobbies include shopping for shirts with humorous sayings about my penis, dead lifting, and eating with my hands. People say I am thoughtful, caring and funny. If you don’t believe me I will kick your fucking ass. No fatties.

Gnome Sayin

Thursday, August 13, 2009

This picture tickles my funny bone

And I don't mean my penis. Get your head out of the gutter you perve!


Child Please indeed Chad. Child Please indeed.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Leave Miley Alone!!!

People are going to look at these pictures and probably have some choice words for Miley Cyrus. I just don’t think that’s fair. Come on! She is sixteen years old! That is definitely an old enough age to take sleazy pictures in Vanity Fair or to date a 20 year old underwear model. Why don’t people just leave her alone? I bet that folks are going to get all righteous about this too. Probably saying things like “A 16 year old has no right to be on a stripper pole while performing at the kids choice awards.” WHATEVER!!! That is not a stripper pole. It is clearly an ice cream cart that they took the umbrella of in order to have more dancing space. So before you start going around and criticizing her remember a few things. She is Christian and she has a very good family structure at home. I mean any father would be proud to see his daughter….. Oh shit. I just saw this photo.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Looks like someone was OXY CLEANing his nose

This actually explains a lot. His ability to talk about shitty household items for hours upon end. The constant sweating and yelling. His thirst for thai hookers. Well, maybe not the Thai hookers but you have to admit that everything makes a whole lot more sense now.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Fare the well Office Butler

After a long and tumultuous journey Office Butler has been canceled. It leaves with critical acclaim yet a very low viewer rating. Good luck in the future Mr. Longington, shows like this only come along once in a lifetime.

Original Office Butler Post

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Negotiation worked well

The big news over the past 24 hours has been the successful release of journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling from North Korea. They were expected to serve up to 12 years in a hard labor camp for entering the country illegally. That was until the inventor of the internet and sweet Billy C walked up in there and made a deal that Kim Jong Il could not refuse. What hasn't been reported is that we had to send someone over to take their place and serve that time for them. I may or may not have had something to do with it but as you can imagine I am pretty happy with the choice that was made. Have fun in hard labor camp asswipe.