Friday, August 29, 2008

Dey snakes out dere dis beeg

Yes Cube there are. In fact when I was on the set of the movie Anaconda I saw many snakes that happened to be that “beeg.” You see, I played Jon Voight playing a greasy South American boat captain and snake hunter. I had to go into makeup four three hours every day before shooting to get to look exactly like Voight. They also made me wear a sagging body suit because my perfectly sculpted physique did not match up with the weathered body of the Midnight Cowboy. Anyways, the movie was shot with real snakes. They told people at the theaters that the snakes were CGI because they didn’t want people walking into the woods and trying to hunt these things down. Believe me, these animals have gigantic teeth, massive crushing power, extremely cold skin, and a thirst for human blood. They’re a lot like Jennifer Lopez in that respect. Burn!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

We need to bring him back

What happened to television shows like Alf? This was perhaps one of the most universally applauded shows ever to grace the TV screen. Where else are you going to find a protagonist that cynical who also has an unquenchable thirst for cat blood? I bet you would be hard pressed to find any other show that has a character like that. More than anything, I would like to see Alf return to TV and make my world bright again. At the same time I worry about what it would mean for Alf to return. I have no doubt that the product would not be packaged the same way it was back then. Therefore, I have decided to draw up a few plot lines that I would think could make the show relevant to a larger audience while not taking away from the cat killing humor.

The family in the show is going to be replaced by the Winslow family from Family Matters with Reginald VelJohnson continuing his role as Carl.

Harriet Winslow will now be played by a CGI robot that has an affinity for her cat breeding job. (you can already see tons of storylines there)

The family’s house is going to be on top of a small grocery store that Carl runs. Carl was fired from the police force for eating too many twinkies on the job.

No Urkel.

The next door neighbor Gomez is going to be played by Paul Rodriguez. He is good friends with Carl but has seen Alf a few times and thinks he is the Chupacabra. He is always trying to get into Carl’s house so he can capture Alf and sell him.

Alf is exactly the same. No changes.

In his free time Alf likes to solve cold case murders that Carl could never solve when he was on the force.

There is a cooking portion on the show.

This is a reality TV show.

I think that this is a good start in getting Alf back onto TV. Of course, I am welcome to hear whatever types of ideas that you may have to make Alf a more relevant TV product for today’s audience. Please help me to get this show back on the air.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

He is out there...I can smell him

After the disappointment of last week’s Bigfoot debacle I have decided to pack up my bags and head into the woods to track this elusive creature down. But Burt, what makes you think that you will be able to catch the Bigfoot when so many others have failed? Well, I have a different approach than most people. I am going to throw the Bigfoot a party. I figure I will get airlifted out to a predetermined location (no I am not telling you) and bring the supplies that I think will get this party started right. And by supplies I mean a pound of mushrooms, and liter of jaegermeister, six candy bars, a Hustler, and a keg of miller high life. I also forgot to mention the boom box that I am going to bring. My plan is to eat a bunch of the mushrooms, tap the keg and then put on my super awesome Bigfoot mix tape (a mix of speed metal and Phil Collins). I figure all I have to do then is wait. Once Bigfoot gets there or I hallucinate him being there I will take photographic evidence and say the pictures are just for me. Once I have lulled him into a false sense of security BAM! Karate chop to the back of the neck and he is out. The hard part is going to be hiking him out on my back, and having to knock him out every once and a while. I don’t plan on handing him over to experts but rather letting him hang at my place for a few days to see how the other half lives. I think it will be funny to see how he reacts to sandwiches and mini malls. Then a few days later when he is adjusting to living life in this new world BAM! I knock him out and drop him right back out in the woods. Why? Because I can.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Blatant false advertising

The other day I went to the movies and was ripped off. In the hopes of not being a spoiler I wanted to let you know that in no way is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 a porno. One can be easily deceived by its poster which shows four young women touching, hugging and giggling with one another. Well, at least I was. Another thing that led me to think that this would be a highly erotic movie is that it is about “traveling pants.” I don’t know what that means but that wording coupled with the poster led me to believe that this would at least be a really good girl on girl film. Instead, I was given a movie about friendship and how growing up can affect those friendships. Boring! The whole time I was waiting for a random pizza man or plumber to come into the scene. I kept waiting for some huge dildo to be “accidently” left at the dinner table. There isn’t even nudity!!!
What I have realized since this movie is that I am not as quick as I once was. In my older age I have developed a hubris that seems to think I will always be right. Well, I have learned a valuable lesson about going to movies without checking the review. I have also learned that I need to stick to the internet for porn. I want my $8.50 back.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Uncle Hulka?

I don't have the words to describe the beauty of this. This man may very well be my long lost uncle.

Monday, August 18, 2008

You want to impress me motherfucker?...Take the wheel

Much has been made recently of Michael Phelps and his “unbelievable” dominance in the summer Olympics for which he has been rewarded with 8 Gold medals. This feat has led him to become the all time leader in gold medals for anyone that has participated in the Olympics. It is safe to say that this is an amazing accomplishment, but where do you go from here? What is the next step to continue the legend that is Phelps? For one thing I can tell you that it is not going to be in a pool. You see, he has reached the mountain top. He has proved to the world that he is the greatest. The only thing that he can do in the next Olympics is match the feat and perhaps add to his already amazing total of gold medals. Basically, he needs to find a way to stay relevant outside of the pool. That’s were one of his Olympic brethren is going to act as the model for which he must follow. Of course, I am talking about my main man Carl Lewis.
Carl Lewis was one of the most amazing athletes of all time, a force within the world of track and field. Yet, Carl was not a one trick pony. He knew that there was life after sport and he focused on finding exactly what that was. What Carl found is that he is also one of the greatest musical performers of all time. This music video is what, for me, only increased the legend that is Carl Lewis.

Now if Michael Phelps can make a video that is better than this I will anoint him god of Olympia. Until that happens I am not impressed.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Pssst I have a secret

From time to time I realize that I am a bit overwhelming. If you were to base my personality entirely on this blog I think that you would tend to get a certain image of me. Yes, I am an extreme daredevil sex magician that burns with the fires of a thousand tribes while I set forth to conquer every challenge I face on this earth. But that isn’t the only thing that is me. You would find out there is a lot more to me if you dig a little deeper. There is another side to me that I don’t think people would expect, a softer side. With that in mind I thought I would share some things that you may have never expected from big ole bad Burt;

I cry once a year at the winter solstice to let out all of the sad juice in my body

My favorite Golden Girl is Blanche

I was a backup dancer for Dirty Dancing

I collect doilies

I have an extensive record collection of soft jazz

My biggest pet peeve is grocery carts with broken wheels



Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I am going to go fishing...for Megaladon

The weather has been getting a little nicer lately in my area. I also have been looking to the skies and noticed that most of the bird population has been heading inland. This can only mean one thing. There is a Megaladon off the coast and I must hunt it. If you are not familiar with the megaladon here is a brief description from wikipedia;

The megalodon (pronounced /ˡmɛ.gə.ləˌdɒn/ or MEG-a-la-don; meaning "big tooth" or in Greek as μέγας 'οδόντος) was a giant shark that lived in prehistoric times, between about 18 million to 1.5 million years agoa[›] and was the apex predator of its time. It is the largest carnivorous fish known to have existed,[1] and quite possibly the largest shark to have ever lived. It is believed that the average size of the megalodon was between 12 metres (39 ft) and 18 metres (59 ft). This species is a member of the Lamnidae family but its classification is in dispute …..

Blah Blah Blah more science talk. Basically, this animal is a great white shark the size of a school bus. The entry goes on to say that people think that these animals may still exist in certain waters. Well they do. What do you think happened to all those people in the Burmuda triangle? Yeah, it was Megaladons. So this week I have decided to head out to the “triangle” as I like to call it and try and catch me a biggun. For this journey I am going to need a few things;

Bottle of whiskey
Row Boat
Cuban cigars
Side of beef
Bowie knife
Nose plugs
Hello Kitty Backpack
The easiest way to hunt the beast is to get out into the middle of the “triangle” and drop the meat overboard. The next step is to drink all of the whiskey. Believe me, you do not want to do this sober. Once the beast is in your sites you must entice it by dancing in the boat naked with the Hello Kitty backpack on. For some reason the mix of the colors and nudity pisses these things right off. As the monster approaches from the deep you need to make sure that your timing is on because you have to make sure that it eats you whole. I miss calculated one time and one of them got a good piece of my heel. Once inside the animal just cut your way out with the knife. Its pretty straight forward but the hard part is after that. Most of the time the row boat is going to be destroyed so you have to make a boat out of the animal carcass, which usually smells like four types of shit. However, upon arrival home after battling the seas and hungry sea birds you are going to have a good amount of meat and a pretty satisfied feeling.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

If she can do it, I can do it

Recently, I have noticed that Jessica Simpson has decided to direct her career into that of a country singer. After her TV show was finished her father (pimp) decided that the next big move would be for her to focus on being in feature films. Since these films were not porn, and the fact that she can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag this idea failed miserably. That’s when dear old dad figured that it was time to move in another direction. His first plan was to put her into the arms of Tony Romo and hope that the exposure of her dating a famous football star in Texas would lead into his next master plan, to become the next great country star. I have to admit that I think this is an excellent idea, because any retard can make a country album. That is why I have decided to become a country star myself.

The first step in becoming a country singer is to select the type of star that you want to be. Many of the popular options include blatant racist, super American pride, good time party boy, big titted songstress (see Jessica), sad old farmer, and metro sexual cowboy. This decision is a tough one because most of the song content has to be derived from the image you choose. You can’t sing about loving your fourth wife tender and then go transition into a song about how Mexicans are worse than Al Qaeda. That would be stretching yourself way too thin. In order to be a success you need to pick an image and commit to it. Right now I am not to sure what type of country singer that I want to be. I would really appreciate your help in letting me know what you think would be the best choice for myself. At this time I am currently leaning towards super American pride country singer with my first album tentatively titled “If you don’t like speaking English you can get the fuck out.” I am open to suggestions though.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

My god damned fucking arm

Shit it hurts. I have no fucking clue but for some reason it feels like my arm is in a state or permanent sleep. The second it feels like the pain is going away it shoots right back into my elbow and reminds me, even in my old age, that I am not invincible. I am not reffering to that movie that stared Mak Walbag. I am talking about walking through walls superman type invincible. I have compiled a short list of possible reasons that my arm feels this way. One of these has to be the reason for my pain;


Pulling the anchor for a crab fishing boat up with my bare hands in a field of ice during king crab season

I have recently had a stroke on the right side of my body and I am simply just toughing it out so that others don’t see any sign of weakness

I slept on it wrong


Playing tug of war against a gorilla

Throwing a football three hundred yards

The experimental procedure to see if I could possibly get a machine gun arm

Illegal immigrants

Giving myself HJ’s (Also see Masturbating)

Being a night club deejay

Holding up those 32 ounce beers at the concert this weekend

All of those are logical conclusions but in the end I think I might not go with any of them. I think that the real reason that my arm hurts so much is that I had to drink some Cheladas this weekend. It surely is the devils brew. I hate you Conor.

Friday, August 01, 2008

New career move

I had some free time yesterday in between my work as a taxidermist and my work as a male dancer to sit down and catch a little bit of television. Usually, I will hit the same channels and yesterday was no exception. I turned on ESPN to see if I could get highlights of the women’s curling championship in Hounds Bay, Nova Scotia. Instead, I was blessed with a show chronicling the misadventures of the And 1 basketball team. If you haven’t seen this show it is about playground basketball players who play a loosely governed form of basketball that favors style over rules and favors showmanship over teamwork. This game is perfect for me. The best part about it is that you can join the team and travel with them if you are the best player to play against them when they roll through your town. I have already begun my training, and in order to be on the And 1 team you are going to have to meet certain requirements;

Cool Nickname: This perhaps being the most paramount of all requirements. Whether it’s Escalade, Hot Sauce or the PRROOOOOOFEEESAR, you need to have a name that jumps out at the crowd, because lord knows that the guy on the bullhorn that announces the game wants a cool name to say. I have decided that my street ball name is Wet Panties.

Style: Another important concept is the style on and off the court. The players on the team are constantly getting new jerseys and sweat bands. Could I be crazy and wear two head bands at the same time? What about fraying my undershirt to make it look like one of those old leather jackets with tassels? I think that I will wait until I make the team to make that decision. I don’t want to jump on somebody else’s style.

Game: Finally, you have to be able to put your money were your mouth is. In order to stand out you need to have a move that makes the crowd go crazy. Moves that seem to get the most attention are dribbling through people’s legs, dunking the ball and incredible passing. Since I can’t do any of those things I am going to go with the half court bounce shot as my go to move. It isn’t necessarily going to “clown” anybody but I feel that it is my safest bet to make the team.

I am going to focus on these three things until the And 1 bus rolls back around my hood. In the meantime I will continue to stuff animals and strip but I don’t know how much longer I can take women taking advantage of my body.