Wednesday, April 30, 2008

May Madness?

We have finally come to the breaking point of the season. The Brewskee Mug Tournament has arrived. As you can see above the Wednesday night league is going to have a doozy of a first round. Team Sofa King Good has their hands full with the Skee Amigos, a most worthy opponent. Don Juan Hundo, Hot Dog Hurley and myself have our work cut out for us. The only way that I can think of describing our plan for the tournie is best described by the words of the late Tupac Shakur as Birdie in Above the Rim;

"All I see right now is Bombers, Bombers, Bombers.....CHAMPIONSHIP!"

Now if you replace Bombers with Sofa King Good you have our montra.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Sweeps week

Well it finally happened. After all my years of sending in head shots I am going to be doing some work during sweeps week. I am talking about on camera work. Yours truly has been given a contract to appear on the Hills. Yes, those Hills. They wanted a really hunky guy to be the new love interest. For whom you might ask? All of the people on the show, that’s who. MTV has taken into account the raw sexuality that I exude and think that I would be the perfect fit for every character on the show. Both the guys and girls will fall for this new hunk. Basically, I am going to come onto the scene as a hardened east coast bad boy with a cloudy past that lives by his own rules and loves Yaeger Bombs. It doesn’t matter that I am actually from the west coast because my east coast accent is dead on. You just have to use a lot of “HEYYY” and “OHHHHHHH” in your regular conversations. Example;

“HEYYYYY yo honey get ova here and let me get a better look at that ass of yous….OHHHHHHHH!”

I am going to go to all the hip clubs and accidentally bump into different groups that are on the show. Maybe I will even be dj’ing because a lot of people do that I am told. Within a week I will probably have already been mentioned as a love interest for all the people on the show. Of course, there will have to be a point when I have to break everyone’s hearts and leave the show. I am hoping that the reason is the secret service couldn’t find a recruit worthy enough to guard the presidents dogs, so off I head back to the east coast. There will be tears and I am sure that one of stars will have something really deep to say like, “did that juss really HAPPEN (blank stare devoid of any brain waves).” I will get a little emotional and explain that this is something I have to do, but that when I am done I will come back, which is really a lie because I never plan on being on the show again. What I really want is my own spin-off.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I think that Hulk said it best

Tonight marks the end of the regular season for Brewskeeball and the team is starting to gel at the right time. Don Juan Hundo and Hot Dog Hurley have taken this team to unimaginable levels. We embark on tonight’s contest much like Hulk Hogan had to deal with people when he was at the top of his game;

In generalities, thank God people are nipping at my heels, talking about me, and jealous. Sometimes people celebrate my failures. It's just a different take on things. Sometimes people are good people and sometimes people are bad people. Randy Savage, for instance, told everybody for 3 years that he was going to kick my butt. I ran into him in Orlando, walked right up to him, offered to shake his hand - he wouldn't shake my hand, didn't want to go outside. He just sat in his chair and shook for 30 minutes scared to death. That has got to tell you something about his character. He can say whatever he wants. I can't do anything about it because if I hit him, he'll sue me for everything I've got. That's his deal. That's what makes him happy. He lives in misery.”

It is eirie how much professional wrestling and skeeball leagues are alike. So to all you miserable assholes that think you will take us out I have only one question for you. Once again I will use the noble words of the Hulkster;

"Watcha gonna do? When the 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania destroy you!"

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I want a nickname

Lately I have been thinking about why I don’t have a nickname. Sure, Burt is a pretty sweet name in and of itself but I would really like to have a nickname. The problem is that nobody has given me one. I am a man of etiquette, and following those principals it would be rude of me to decide on a nickname for myself. It has to be chosen for me. Like my good friend Catfish Lamson. Now his name isn’t really Catfish, but that is one hell of a nickname. I want to have a nickname that jumps out at you and says “BOOYEA” or something of equal volume. I can also tell you what I don’t want. Remember that episode of Seinfeld were George is trying to persuade people to call him T-bone and he ends up with Coco for a nickname instead? I don’t want that to happen. That is why I have decided to open this up for debate. Please let me know what you think my nickname should be. Try to make it sound really macho.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Shit Damn

I tell you what. I come out of my house this morning and I see that the gas price has reached the unthinkable level of $4.00. Flabbergasted would be the word of choice in this situation. What is this gas made out of anyways, Chuck Norris’s tears and unicorn horns? I would understand if that was the case because both of those items are extremely rare. Yet, it is just oil. This has led me to the ultimate conclusion. It is time for me to sell my car.
That’s right I am going to be putting my T Top IROC-Z on the market in order to purchase a more gas efficient vehicle. Now its going to be real tough getting rid of this little beauty. It’s got a lot of extra special features that all you book learned elitists don’t have enough appreciation for. That airbrushed painting on the hood of an Aztec Goddess sacrificing a lamb on top of an old ruin in a thunderstorm was custom made for yours truly. I also had a pretty sweet nitrous system in there for that extra kick in top gear, or as I like to call it the panty banisher. Finally, I had rewired my window cleaners to point into the car. Why you might ask? It’s because I pour whiskey into the window cleaning tank. Anyways, she was a real beauty, but it is time to move on.
I have been looking through the auto traders and I can’t find a god damned thing that makes me feel good about selling my car. So I am going to do the most logical thing and buy a golf cart. I am just hoping that I will be able to get it airbrushed, and that my electricity bill isn’t too high.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Job Wanted

I was looking through the classifieds the other day for some work. It was very mystifying that many of the job titles I was looking for were not being offered. Can you believe that Strongman is not really considered and occupation anymore? I guess that these guys now call themselves body builders, and it is more about looking good than it is about lifting heavy items in front of crowds. Another one that had me stumped is that lion tamer is not a job search on craigslist. I mean there are a shit ton of lions out there in the world. Somebody has to train them, don’t they? I mean we can’t have all of them running around like wild animals.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there doesn’t seem to be a job out there for a guy like myself, a swashbuckling sex sorcerer with mind control powers and really sweet hair. I mean I tried to do a little IT work for a while but was fired because I punched a non functioning computer so hard that it shut down the network. For a brief time I worked with the service industry but was canned after I refused to adhere to the hand washing criteria, I don’t bend for anyone. All the people from keep recommending me for psychiatric work, but that could possibly be from the department of health. I tend to get a little groggy with all the years of abuse I have put on my mind through legal and illegal drugs.
Basically, I have just come to a point were I don’t think the right job will ever come along for me. That is why I would like to write a short list of options that I will consider. Please only contact me with serious inquiries regarding these jobs;

Hippo Wrestler
Hip hop dancer
Bowling instructor
Mickey’s salesman
Sushi chef
Sandwich artist
Gravedigger (the Bigfoot not the job with a shovel)
Bathroom attendant (preferably womens)
Phil Collins personal assistant
Santa or Easter Bunny
Jewel thief
Knife salesman

Monday, April 14, 2008

New tactic

I was having a discussion with my friend Matthew the other night. We were discussing the current state of the world and the proper way to cook a grilled cheese sandwich. When our conversation reached a lull, Matt brought up the topic of revenge. We talked about the many ways that people can get back at others, and how that dish is best served cold. Well I have to say I was trumped by one of the most wonderful pranks I had ever heard of. The BBD, or the Brita Ball Dip, is an easy yet effective prank. I don’t think I need to dignify it with an explanation but it is kind of like a baptism, for your balls. I trust that now that I know of this horrible prank I will never drink from a Brita filter again. Thank you Matt for sharing.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

When will I fall in love on a reality TV show

I have been in many relationships in my time but they have all seemed to fail at one point or another. Maybe my reckless lifestyle and commitment to extreme shit was too much for the everyday woman. It could have been the rampant abuse of horse tranquilizers and my addiction to the video game TRON. It is most likely due to my body odor, which has been described as so musky that the word musk is trying to distance itself from me. However, I think I have finally figured out what it is I need to do in order to find someone to share their life with me. I need to have a reality show in which women vie for my affection over the course of a few weeks. What a great way to find the woman of my dreams! Having 15 women move into a house where they have to share cramped living quarters will help the alpha females rise up and weed out the weak before I even meet them. Then I will show up in a tank or something badass like that and explain to the ladies that I will meet them in the backyard for a cocktail hour, a meet and greet if you will. At this time I will also introduce them to my right hand man. He will be my Big John to Brett Michaels, my Big Rick to Flava Flav. I don’t know who I will finally pick, but I am leaning towards Burt Reynolds. Over the course of the next few weeks I will put these women through a series of humiliating challenges that rewards sexiness and cutthroat tactics. I am trying to find love here people! We will slowly whittle the field down with elaborate “elimination” ceremonies in which I will give each girl some sort of present that signifies I wish that she stay, followed by a uniquely crafted question to that effect. Still undecided, but at this point I like the idea of handing them a pink machine gun and eloquently asking, “do you still want to kick it here and have sexual intercourse with me?” Now this is all conjecture at this point but I hope by the time I have gotten it down to my final two I really have someone that has fake fallen in love with me. I mean, by that time I will have spent a day with their parents or some relative that still talks with them, and I am a pretty good judge of character. Let’s hope that it works out and I find love or that the show gets picked up for a second season. The only thing left to do now is come up with the name for the show. Currently, I am leaning towards “Destruction of Love.” MTV and VH1, my email address is on the site when you are ready to start discussing budgets.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Beat it NERD!!!

Seriously......Are you being real? I guess you have a tough time understanding that genuis isn't easy to understand.

It's my friend Lukes 12th birthday this weekend

My friend Luke is turning 12 this weekend. That is almost in the teenager years. I heard that his mom is gonna have a sundae table with like ten toppings. I also heard that there is gonna be a water gun fight and a water balloon tossing contest. I also heard that there might be a clown and a magician. I don’t like clowns though, they scare me. But I do like magicians. Have you ever seen that trick when the magician makes a bunny rabbit disappear? It is really neat. No, its radical. My mom said that the bunny goes to bunny heaven for a few minutes and then the magic guy brings him back. My favorite color crayon is green. You can use it for so many things like grass, boogers and grass.
One time last year I peed myself on the school trip to the aquarium and now my mom says I have to wear these special underwears that are rubber. I hope nobody notices them under my bathing suit. I also got a hair under my right armpit and I don’t know what I should do with it. Maybe…gotta go…transformers is on.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

We'll get em next year

Remember that movie the Bad News Bears? The loveable tale of ragtag team of youngsters who go from the worst in the league to almost winning the championship. Yeah I do too. Unfortunately, that will be nothing like the San Francisco Giants this season. We will be staying at the bottom of the league this season regardless of what happens. I think the Giants would still be in last if they had Babe Ruth come back and sign a contract with them. All the teams in the national league west could die in a horrific four plane pileup and the Giants would still finish in last place. Jesus Christ himself could become the cleanup hitter and they would still be in the cellar. I guess what I am trying to say is that tickets are going to be pretty cheap this season. That, and I am going to be betting a lot on the Giants to lose. I figure that I might as well make some money while I have to sit through this season. I am a glass half full type of person.