Thursday, April 10, 2008

When will I fall in love on a reality TV show

I have been in many relationships in my time but they have all seemed to fail at one point or another. Maybe my reckless lifestyle and commitment to extreme shit was too much for the everyday woman. It could have been the rampant abuse of horse tranquilizers and my addiction to the video game TRON. It is most likely due to my body odor, which has been described as so musky that the word musk is trying to distance itself from me. However, I think I have finally figured out what it is I need to do in order to find someone to share their life with me. I need to have a reality show in which women vie for my affection over the course of a few weeks. What a great way to find the woman of my dreams! Having 15 women move into a house where they have to share cramped living quarters will help the alpha females rise up and weed out the weak before I even meet them. Then I will show up in a tank or something badass like that and explain to the ladies that I will meet them in the backyard for a cocktail hour, a meet and greet if you will. At this time I will also introduce them to my right hand man. He will be my Big John to Brett Michaels, my Big Rick to Flava Flav. I don’t know who I will finally pick, but I am leaning towards Burt Reynolds. Over the course of the next few weeks I will put these women through a series of humiliating challenges that rewards sexiness and cutthroat tactics. I am trying to find love here people! We will slowly whittle the field down with elaborate “elimination” ceremonies in which I will give each girl some sort of present that signifies I wish that she stay, followed by a uniquely crafted question to that effect. Still undecided, but at this point I like the idea of handing them a pink machine gun and eloquently asking, “do you still want to kick it here and have sexual intercourse with me?” Now this is all conjecture at this point but I hope by the time I have gotten it down to my final two I really have someone that has fake fallen in love with me. I mean, by that time I will have spent a day with their parents or some relative that still talks with them, and I am a pretty good judge of character. Let’s hope that it works out and I find love or that the show gets picked up for a second season. The only thing left to do now is come up with the name for the show. Currently, I am leaning towards “Destruction of Love.” MTV and VH1, my email address is on the site when you are ready to start discussing budgets.

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