Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Job Wanted


I was looking through the classifieds the other day for some work. It was very mystifying that many of the job titles I was looking for were not being offered. Can you believe that Strongman is not really considered and occupation anymore? I guess that these guys now call themselves body builders, and it is more about looking good than it is about lifting heavy items in front of crowds. Another one that had me stumped is that lion tamer is not a job search on craigslist. I mean there are a shit ton of lions out there in the world. Somebody has to train them, don’t they? I mean we can’t have all of them running around like wild animals.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there doesn’t seem to be a job out there for a guy like myself, a swashbuckling sex sorcerer with mind control powers and really sweet hair. I mean I tried to do a little IT work for a while but was fired because I punched a non functioning computer so hard that it shut down the network. For a brief time I worked with the service industry but was canned after I refused to adhere to the hand washing criteria, I don’t bend for anyone. All the people from monster.com keep recommending me for psychiatric work, but that could possibly be from the department of health. I tend to get a little groggy with all the years of abuse I have put on my mind through legal and illegal drugs.
Basically, I have just come to a point were I don’t think the right job will ever come along for me. That is why I would like to write a short list of options that I will consider. Please only contact me with serious inquiries regarding these jobs;

Hippo Wrestler
Hip hop dancer
Bowling instructor
Megaman
Mickey’s salesman
Sushi chef
Sandwich artist
Gravedigger (the Bigfoot not the job with a shovel)
Bathroom attendant (preferably womens)
Millionaire
Phil Collins personal assistant
Santa or Easter Bunny
Jewel thief
Knife salesman
Panhandler

1 comment:

joel said...

Gigs: I need help pulling out my small intestine and putting it back twice a day so I can give myself blowjobs....Know anyone with that kind of strength and medical skill?
Please send resume with cover letter and a picture of yourself. Uglies need not apply.