Thursday, April 30, 2009

Time to relax and slip into a Ballcuzzi

I don't know if many of you noble people out there have ever been involved in the giving or receiving of a ballcuzzi, but it is something you must do in your lifetime. Have you ever had a tough day at the office and need a little something extra to unwind? I am not talking about vicodin or horse tranquilizers. No, I am talking about the simple pleasures of a Ballcuzzi. Urban Dictionary defines it thusly;


Place your nuts in a bowl of warm water. Then have a girl put a straw into the bowl and blow bubbles under your balls. Rubber ducky is optional of course.

This is the perfect definition for the Ballcuzzi. Already feel relaxed just thinking about it don't you? Well, it made me think about being relaxed too. It also made me think of something else. Look for news in the upcoming week on a new business plan from your old perverted pal Burt.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Nice Headstone

What we do in life echoes in eternity! - Martin Lawrence Big Momma's House II

Robert Clay Allison must have been one surly son of a gun to have such a ballsy epitaph. He must have thought long and hard about how he would be viewed by generations to come based purely on his epitaph. I am sure he thought over other ideas like "loving husband" "caring father" and "Puppy Enthusiast", but none of those had the same pizazz. I am pretty sure that this gentleman and I would have been fast friend. If not for our equal enjoyment of firearms then I assume it would have something to do with hunting or hookers. God Bless you sir and may your name echo through eternity.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I will %*& *#@! Time Magazine for their stupidty

What does a guy have to do in order to get on Time magazine’s list for most influential people of 2009? It very well may be murder because the idiocy of people voting on this list is horrifying. It seems as though the people who read Time magazine consider Brittney Spears and the Jonas Brothers to be far more influential than our newly elected President. What is even more unbelievable is that I didn’t even crack the top 100. Let’s just go over a few things I accomplished this year;

Hanglided in space

Surfed Mavericks on a Taco Bell tray

Set the world record for time spent in a Ballcuzzi (article later this week)

Worked on a blog entirely about samiches

Watched the entire Golden Girls series (rest in peace Bea) in one sitting

That is just the tip of the iceberg and I am not even on the outside looking in for this list. I guess I just have to be a lot more image conscious in this day and age. Perhaps, if I had people who promoted me more, things would be different. This year I am going to do things that will promote me into becoming what Time readers consider influential. I am going to follow the career arc of rain and make it big in South Korea.

Monday, April 27, 2009


I’m no doctor (well maybe a little bit of a freelance gynecologist HUZZAH) but this swine flu thing is starting to get me a little worried. Obviously, this is an attempt from the pig tribe to take out humans once and for all. Not so fast little piggies! You think you could just infect all of the humans and then the world is yours? I think not. I understand that after a lifetime of wallowing in your own shit you probably think it smells like roses now. It is that same flawed logic that makes you think this plan will work. Well, news flash porkchop! It was over before it even started.

I am currently working on putting together a crack team of commandos whose only purpose is to destroy the pig menace. I will also be presenting legislation that requires all pigs to be bred in containment factories. It is going to look something like this;

The question still remains as to why I would spend my time on a complex project that should be handled by our government. Quite frankly, there are two reasons. One, I hate the stupid looks on pigs stupid faces. Two, if we run out of bacon I die. So if you are free today, kill a pig and eat its insides.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Man vs. Animal

It may come as a big surprise to all 4 people who read this blog but I can get tremendously bored at times. When I get this way my mind tends to wander and my attention span is non existent. Most of this morning has been spent instant messaging (yeah I can instant message, want to make something of it?!?) this little monkey audible. He is extremely annoying and I take delight in that.

The other half of my morning has been spent imagining what it would be like for animals to fight people in really weird locals (you too? Sweet!). I figure that maybe we could get a little discussion going. I will kick it off with my dream animal vs man matchup.

Perez Hilton vs. An angry grizzly bear wearing gigantic boxing gloves.

The fight would be held in the Octagon and the mat will be covered with ice.

Three five minute rounds.

Anybody else have a good one?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A little sign of appreciation

I woke up in a pretty good mood this morning. It's not normal for me to be happy on a Wednesday but I am going to roll with it. Part of me "rolling with it" means that I have to at least be a little bit thankful to Wednesday. Just last week anonymous (so many people have that name) wanted to know if I would do something nice for Wednesday. Well, look no further. I have just sent Wednesday down to the Hooter's Swimsuit World Championships in Ft. Lauderdale. Upon arrival he will not only be a judge but also has his own suite on the third floor of the La Quinta Inn three blocks from the beach. You are welcome fuckface.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Oh how the tables have turned

This gentleman above me is Daniel Andreas San Diego. He is an environmental terrorist who was just put on the FBI's most wanted list for a series of bombings that he committed against "supposed" animal testing labs six years ago. You can read more about him here.

Here is how my thought process went as I read this story;

Oh boy here we go again...another hippie nut job

Well he can't be that bad...he is doing it to protect animals

On the other hand he is destroying public property with potentially lethal weapons

Is that my breath...oh man! has it been like that all day?

Now the table have turned my friend. It seems as though he who wanted to protect the animals has become the animal himself. Now forced to evade arrest it is you who have become the hunted. How ironically delicious!

I also thought about boobs somewhere in that time line but I am not sure where so I excluded it.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Lesson learned

Consistent reader and all around awesome dude Ricky Slade recently contacted me via the emails to direct my attention to “Missed Connections” on craigslist. Now I am familiar with the many different types of forums on craigslist but Ricky directed me to one in particular entry entitled To the woman that crapped in my car…

To summarize it very simply;

Boy takes girl on date

Boy and girl drink heavy beers and eat extreme tater tots

Girl sharts on ride home

Gentleman tells girl not to worry about it as it has happened to him

Wonders if it is a ploy to get out of date and commends her if it was

You really have to read it for yourself to truly understand the beauty of this person’s writing. At first I enjoyed a laugh from reading this post but then my mood changed. I really started to think about this situation and I think we can all learn from this.

NEVER. EVER. Trust a fart. As my granpappy used to say “trust a fart and you may end up in a world of shit.” Take those words into consideration the next time you think you can slowly leak one out. You may just end up like this poor young lady.

Friday, April 17, 2009

It will haunt my dreams for all time

Sorry, but if I have to deal with it so do you.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


High atop the cliffs nestled within the clouds, lies a place where the gods of pickup basketball created the most worthy of courts. Play here and you shall forever have you name etched in the hall of legends.

Unfortunately, I can not and will not divulge the location of this divine hall of sport. The only thing that I could do was post this gorgeous interpretation of its splendor made by my close friend Big Ed (AKA: longshaft, AKA: Turkey Leg). Who is the person taking the shot you might ask? Could it be Burt? Nope, it’s a guy named John who works in sales.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Pancakes Bitch!

Thought I forgot about you? No way. I still hate you wednesday. I hate you with the fury of a thousand suns. Enjoy being worked over Naked Gun style biatch.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Transformers Spoilers

Mike Bay and I are pretty tight. Yes, I call him Mike. You could say we are pretty good friends. It’s been that way ever since we met on vacation in St. Barts 15 years ago. It was there that we found we both enjoy the simple pleasures in life (explosions, hookers, hunting people). When you share those common bonds and a similarly opulent lifestyle it is easy to grow close. Due to that relationship Mike will sometimes let me in on some movie secrets. This weekend I joined him for margaritas at a titty bar floating around the earth and he told me about some other spoilers that will be in the Transformer movie. Please continue reading if you want the movie ruined for you.

Shia Lebouf dies in the first five minutes of the movie. They implant a transformer in his lifeless body. This later helps him win a break dance competition against Megatron.

One of the Decepticons is Dilbot. He disguises himself as something I can’t share right now. All I will say is that it involves Megan Fox and bubble baths.

A lot of the story has to do with Megatron and Optimus Prime and the falling out they had as brothers. Turns out this whole thing started over an argument about whether not 48 Hours should have had a sequel.

My Transformer Gus will play a small role as the retarded transforming gas station attendant.

Mike Bay will be voicing one of the robots himself. The robot’s name is Baycon and he is a transforming stove.

In the end there will be a robot Royal Rumble that is held in the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium. The winner of the battle is granted sole control of the galaxy and both the World Champion and Intercontinental Champion Belts.

Mike has assured me that he has more than doubled the sweat, grime and slow motion boob shots from the last movie.

All voice-overs will be done by Daniel Stern(Home Alone/Wonder Years). He is also now doing the voice for Optimus Prime.

So there are a few more reasons to go out and see this movie. If not for the action and adventure do it to support my buddy Mike. Sure he already has a ton of money and work for the rest of his life, but he has dreams of building the first country club on the moon. Do you want to tell him he can’t do that?

Friday, April 10, 2009

We have to save the rec center!

Did you hear the bad news? Yeah, the rich people from the country club are going to tear down the rec center in order to make themselves a new parking lot. We have got to stop them. If not with a ridiculously formulated plan then we do it with our youthful enthusiasm. We can start to get the word out by break-dancing on street corners, handing out colorful fliers and having a free car wash for people who support the center with money. Of course, you know that there is going to be a meddling group of rich kids from the country club hell bent on destroying our plan and there will be some parents who don’t understand why we would do all this work just for a rec center. All we need is a tough loner who plays by his own rules to break from his icy shell and lead us in a last minute plan to overcome insurmountable odds and save the day. Does anyone know that person?

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Some tips about lesbians

My good friend Lydia Calrissian and I have many conversations during the span of a normal work day. Of course we discuss politics, global affairs, television, and the general lameness of work. Don’t we all? More recently, I have been able to gain insight on another topic all together. I am learning the way of the Lesbian. Yes, Lydia is a lesbian, a very happily married lesbian I might add. She has begun to share with me some insights into the culture that I was not aware of. It turns out that being a lesbian carries with it an unwritten set of rules that I had no idea about, it’s kind of like baseball in that regard (head out of gutter perverts).

So without breaking the trust that I have gained I have been given permission to list a few of these unwritten rules. Some of my favorites from Lydia Calrissian include;

We can not make chocolate chip cookies.

It is looked down upon if you have seen the movie Land Before Time.

we don’t like musicals. We’re not gays. Unless the musical is about Home Depot

You have to drive an SUV of some sort

We can’t make your living room look pretty, but we’ll fix your tv

Incredible! Breaking down these walls has led to a new understanding for me. Hopefully it does for you too.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Baseball is back

All right people, we got 10 minutes 'till game time, let's all gather 'round. I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!

Lou Brown - Major League

Monday, April 06, 2009

Oh Florida, when will you learn?

I am fascinated by police reports. I love them. Every day I check sites like The Weekly Vice and Smoking Gun to catch up on the more interesting forays into crime by America’s best and brightest. These reports can be anything from public intoxication to getting arrested for having sex with your dog, each one fascinating in its own right. The problem is that I have started to see a startling connection between many of these police reports. A shitload of these fucked up stories come from Florida.
What do you guys put in the water down there? Are the laws different? For the love of god do people wear pants there? I went on The Weekly Vice today and three of the top six stories were from Florida. Here are the headlines from Florida;

Robber In A Hurry To Snatch Woman’s Purse, Leaves Behind Wallet

Jerron Moffitt - Florida Man Distributes 79 Envelopes Marked ‘Anthrax’ Across Town As April Fools Prank. Authorities Weren’t Laughing

Judge To ‘Naked Nanny’ - Keep Your Clothes On A Bit Longer

Of course, people are going to blame those numbers on the size of the state, indicating the large population is at fault. I don’t know if I trust that theory though. I have a little theory of my own as to why Florida seems to be our nation’s leader in mentally deficient criminals, its called meth.

Friday, April 03, 2009

I want every boner swinging bloodhound from bakersfield to bangkok out on the street looking for McGarnacle!

My good friend Douglass E. Fresh just sent me an urgent message. The transmission ended right after. The message is;

I want every boner swinging bloodhound from bakersfield to bangkok out on the street looking for McGarnacle!

I don't know who this McGarnacle character is but if you have any information on his/her whereabouts or you are that person please get in contact with me. I am off to train a group of dogs. Who is McGarnacle?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Trust no one

On this most evil of days you must not trust anyone. People are going to try and pull a fast one on you today if you don’t have you eyes open. Your old pal Burt has been duped numerous times on April fools day. But Burt, how could someone with such skill and mentally agility be fooled when you know it is coming? Well most of the time it had to do with me being blacked out drunk or on hallucinogens. The embarrassment of being duped has led me to two conclusions. One that I will never get got on April fools day again. Two, people are trying to fool me on other days of the year just to make up for today, but I am not falling for it. Just the other day the stripper (Cinnamon Kiss) I have been dating told me that she was pregnant! Good one Cinnamon, good one. You almost had me there for a second.