Tuesday, November 25, 2008

They should make No Holds Barred 2

At the pinnacle of Hulk Hogan’s career he graced the silver screen with a tour de force acting performance as the wrestler simply known as Rip in No Holds Barred. He literally does not have a last name in the movie. It is just Rip. Among other retarded things about this movie is the synopsis that is featured on IMDB;

Rip is the World Wrestling Federation champion who is faithful to his fans and the network he wrestles for. Brell, the new head of the World Television Network, wants Rip to wrestle for his network. Rip refuses and goes back to his normal life. Still looking for a way to raise ratings, Brell initiates a show called "The Battle of the Tough Guys", a violent brawling competition. A mysterious man, Zeus, wins the competition. This gets Brell to use him as an angle to get at Rip.

What the synopsis fails to mention is that Rips’s little brother in the movie tries to fight on "The Battle of the Tough Guys" and he gets his face beat in by Zeus. Not just his face but pretty much his entire body. He is laid up in his hospital bed when Rip comes to speak with him. It is a very tender moment with a lot of “brothers” and arm flexing. In my younger more formative years it made me a bit teary eyed. Wait, there was a point I was trying to make. Oh yes, they should make another one of these movies. However, I think we should go in a unique direction as far as second films go.

They should make this movie as a re-imagining not a sequel. This is the perfect way for this film to be made again. I mean how sweet was Batman Begins? Imagine, if you will, that the Hulkster is reprising his role as Rip. Only this time we could make him be at the back end of his career, just like in real life. He could once again be approached by this Brell character to fight in his new show. Rip will again decline the offer and say that he wants to go out on top. This is where the story takes a new turn.

After being rebuffed by Rip, Brell decides to extend the offer to Rip’s children played by his real life son and daughter. Nick Hogan will be taking over the role of Rip’s brother. Brooke will be playing the role of Zeus. You see, Brell will offer the two siblings contracts only if they fight each other in the very first fight. Of course they accept, and then Brooke obliterates Nick (obviously, She’s huge!) putting him into a coma just like the real life one his “friend” is in. We could even take out a chunk of his head. This sets the stage for a repeat of the emotional hospital scene in which Rip vows to seek revenge on the person that did this to his family.

The final scene of the movie will be a battle to the death between Hulk and Brooke. They will fight through a shopping mall and obliterate walls and store fronts in one of the most epic one on one battles in cinema history. They will fight all the way to the top floor where, at the same time, they each grab one another and fall down three stories in a double fatal power slam. The medic arrives and after checking and finding no pulse on either of them gets tears in his eyes and does one final three second count. 1….2….3….! Then they head to a shot of Nick still in the coma and then there is a three second count on the vitals 1…..2….3…. flatline!!! Fade to black.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Newsflash: People care about Swayze

I just thought I would share some interesting comments about the Patrick Swayze post that I received on Friday. Each comment was interesting in its own right. The first response was lighthearted and it also included this photo;

the fact that you were actually watching roadhouse shows that you are really in love with the dirty dancer.

c'mon admit it - it's ok

I liked this response. I thought that it made a lot of sense. Maybe I am in love with Patrick and I just don’t have the emotional maturity to admit it.

The second response I received was definitely someone from the Swayze fan club(SWAYZIACS?). This person dropped a little bit of knowledge and a threat to go with it;

Doubt it, pal! Patrick Swayze is a legit "black sash" in tai chi. His mother thought it would be a good idea to sign him up for martial arts as a child because he was a dancer and was teased and picked on quite a bit. As far as the scenario you put forth, if you pull out a switchblade in a club you deserve a severe ass wuppin' no question, "ogling some dancing floozy and then this guy who is about 5’2” with a gigantic feathered mane of hair comes up and tells you to knock it off. What the fuck? Of course I am going to pull out a weapon and tell this guy to piss off" and of course you should not be suprised when you get hurled out of that bar like a frisbee either for being an asshole.

I am not sure if this person is joking or not, but they definitely know their Swayze. I had no idea he participated in some fruity martial art that I have never heard of. You learn something new every day.

The final message I received really has me thinking. If anyone can explain to me what this means I will give you a cookie.

Go back go sucking dicks in prison, you lying shit eater.

Sure….sounds good?

Friday, November 21, 2008

I would have knocked Swayze out

I was watching Roadhouse the other night and one scene in particular really made me think about Swayze and his cooling techniques that he employs throughout the film. Swayze’s character Daulton definitely has a nuanced manner of dealing with people that are disruptive at the bar. He employs the Mantra “BE NICE” in dealing with customers that are having a little too much fun. Basically, he wants his bouncers to try and diffuse the issue without violence so that the attitude in the bar makes one feel safe. With that being said I think that he is not particularly fair to one of the patrons in the beginning of the film.

The particular scene that I am speaking about is Swayze’s first night on the job. He has laid out the ground rules to the employees of what he expects and often repeats his “BE NICE” theory of handling things. The night starts off pretty standard but as the drinking increases so does the rowdiness. One chesty patron decides that the band isn’t enough to entertain the crowd and takes it upon herself to add a little spice to the evening. She gets up on a table and starts dancing to the delight of many and they disapproval of one, Swayze. So PS looks at one of the bouncers and tells him to get her down. Well that’s not happening because one particularly drunk dude with an awesome Hawaiian shirt on does not want this party to stop (why should he?). He throws the one bouncer out of the way and goes back to enjoying the show. Well Swayze has seen enough and goes over to diffuse the situation. By “diffuse the situation” I mean he goes over and gets the guy to pull a knife on him before throwing this dude’s head through a table. This is then followed by a tremendously intense hair whip. In the movie this seems like a pretty reasonable action to be taken by Swayze but I actually have a big problem with what this whole situation. Hear me out for a second.

This bar, the Double Deuce, has been a shithole for years. It is a bar where the band has to play behind chicken wire and the waitresses are selling drugs to the patrons. Swayze expects that his first night on the job people are just going to learn a whole new way to get drunk at their favorite bar. If I am going to a bar with sawdust on the floor I am expecting for all types of crazy shit to happen. Also, I am at least bringing some type of rudimentary weapon in case somebody thinks that I may be a little harsh with my criticism of the band or I have been looking at their woman too long. So imagine that you are in cool Hawaiian shirt guy’s shoes. You are in a bar ogling some dancing floozy and then this guy who is about 5’2” with a gigantic feathered mane of hair comes up and tells you to knock it off. What the fuck? Of course I am going to pull out a weapon and tell this guy to piss off. The one notable exception is that I would have not gotten my head thrown through a table. I would have taken it to the floor and painted his face with my fists of justice. All I need is a line better than the guy at the end who explains that he used to fuck guys like Swayze in prison.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I am thinking about getting a new scar

I have scars all over my body. They tell many stories. There is the large diamond shaped scar on my back that was the result of a megalodon bite. I fell asleep one time under water and one of those damn things bit me. It was completely my fault. I have a scar on my knee from when I tore my ACL in the first mile of the New York City Marathon. It’s much bigger than the normal ACL repair because I decided to finish that god damned race. I am still on a list to get robot knees.

These scars and many others allow me to tell war stories and have visual evidence to provide. It also makes for a very sexy conversation with women. Do you remember that scene in Lethal Weapon where Mel Gibson and Renee Russo compare scars until they are almost naked and then they do it? Yeah, that happens to me all the time. It usually gets pretty hot and heavy when I show my penis scar. Nothing sexy about that though. I just tried to jump a barb wired fence when I was drunk and naked. It was not because I had some crazy sex marathon.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that scars are pretty sweet and badass. My problem is that all of my scars are neatly hidden under my clothes. That’s why I want to get a scar where everyone will notice. The first thought is my face but I figure that people will think I am trying to copy Scarface. You know, because I am down with the hip hop culture and I sell copious amounts of cocaine. I don’t want to do that because BD is his own person. I want a scar that is original. I want a scar across my neck.

Is there someone out there that could make a nice long scar across my neck without killing me? It will have to be really big and crooked looking. The reason for that is I already have a story to go along with it. It would go something like this;

Oh yeah you noticed that. I am a little self conscious about it….okay yeah I will tell you how it happened. I am the last highlander. That movie is based on my life although I would have asked for someone a little bit taller than Christopher Lambert. Anyhoo, the only way that the other immortals could kill me was by chopping off my head. They got pretty close but I managed to fend them off with my karate skills and ninja stars. Yeah that was about 500 years ago….so I have had this thing for a while. What? What’s that you say? Take of all my clothes and show you the rest of my scars. I guesss……

I am pretty sure that’s how it would happen.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Torri, is that you?

Occasionally I like to take the posts that I write for the blog and post them on craigslist’s Rants and Raves section. If you are not familiar this is a forum where people can spew illiterate racism, post pictures of their penises and sometimes write something that actually has some value. Among the greatest I have read was from a gentleman looking for henchmen
and another who wrote about the shortcomings of shaving his ass crack . In general it is a pretty wide open forum. So you can imagine my shock when after writing articles and posting them people write some pretty interesting stuff to me.
Here is one of my favorites;

In regards to the A small dream post;
I couldn't think of anything more appropriate than having a shit factory named after you. With all the shitty stories you've been writing, you are more than qualified. You've got my vote.

Obviously, this person is not a very big fan. This is pretty typical of the constructive criticism that I get from the people of craigslist. However, I wanted to take the time to focus on one of the more recent comments that I received. Last week I posted my findings on Torri Spelling syndrome and apparently I hit a nerve. Here is what the person who read my findings had to say;

1. it's Tori, not Torri.

2. you seem jealous of those of us that have connections because of our parents. your parents are failures, and the sooner you acknowledge this, the better off you will be.

3. 90210 was on-air for 10 seasons; clearly they (including Tori Spelling) knew how to act, otherwise losers such as yourself would not have tuned in weekly, let alone for 10 years.

4. you have too much time on your hands. get a hobby, loser.

When I read this I immediately came to one and only one conclusion. This comment is from Torri herself. No way is there anyone on this entire earth that cares enough about Torri Spelling to write those things, no one. I can imagine her sitting down and thinking that she just nailed me with her numbered responses. “Oh man I got him,” she would think to herself as the gap between her breasts grows noticeably larger and her eyes protrude further from her skull. Then she would grow the wings of Satan and disappear into the depths of hell to rule the demons for all eternity. Yep, I am pretty sure that’s exactly what happened.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Damn these opposable thumbs

Why did I have to be born with opposable thumbs? What did I do to deserve this kind of horrible fate? Frankly, I do not know. I find myself wondering how much easier my life would be if I didn’t have these damn things. People would look upon me with sad eyes and offer to help me eat cereal or pen a letter in calligraphy. You may question why I would like to limit myself physically like this and the answer is that I am extremely lazy. I would gladly give up the use of my thumbs to have more things done for me by others. When people would ask if I could help them move I would just shake my head and look down at my hands saying something like, “(sigggghhhh)…..I wish I could help you, if I only had opposable thumbs.” Then I would look away like I was going to cry or have a nervous breakdown. That way people would think that I really wanted to help them but due to my physical limitations I could not. In reality I could totally grab some stuff if I really wanted to, but they don’t know that. Yes, I have looked into surgery and that is not an option. I am still waiting for someone to come up with a formula to render my thumbs useless, but for now I can only dream.

Friday, November 14, 2008

A small dream

Over this past week I have taken some time to look at our recent election and to think about the results of some of the propositions that were on the bill. I don’t want to get into a political discussion but I am disappointed and saddened to see that proposition 8 had passed and I am not sure if it was a good or bad thing that the prostitution proposition didn’t. Do we want prostitutes roaming the streets without fear of retribution for the sale of sex? That would depend entirely on how I was feeling at that time, but for the most part it is probably a good idea that we didn’t pass that one. Sooner or later it would be like that place in the movie Sin City where hookers run the streets and deliver their own sexy brand of street justice. That is beside the point though. The proposition outcome that intrigued me the most was whether or not to name the waste management plant after W.
Allow me to clarify for a moment. This proposition did not intrigue me because I wanted to see ole’ W embarrassed or vindicated by the results of this vote or that I thought it was an important issue. I really could give a shit. What piqued my interest is that someone could easily put this up for a vote. It amazed me that someone could get this measure on the ballot. It seems almost silly. At the same time it looks like a golden opportunity for yours truly. I want that Waste Disposal plant named after me.
Now I may not be a former president of the United States or owner of the Texas Rangers but I have done some pretty sweet stuff in my day. There are countless adventures and world records that I could use to bolster my resume for this honor. The people who came up with this proposition obviously wanted to name it after W. as an insult for the ineptitude that is often discussed about his presidency. For me, it would be a tremendous honor to have anything named after myself even if it is a waste disposal plant. I can see it now.

Now here’s the plan. I am sure that somebody out there has the experience needed to get the ball rolling on this thing (I am looking at you Ronnie). Let’s get a grass roots campaign going for yours truly. Once it is on the ballot there is no way I am going to lose this thing. So please, any help would be awesome. I have one small dream. Let’s try to make it a reality.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Oh happy day

I have been hit with a tremendous wave of joy. MAD TV is being cancelled. I cannot explain to you the amount of hate that I have for this show. It is HORRIBLE. This show consists of skits that go on far longer than they should and are poorly thought out in the first place. Oh my god, that guy is dressed up like a big kid!!! Wait his names Stewart? Hahahahah. Look at the rosy cheeks. Oh man he isn’t going to listen to his mom!!! HAHAHHAAHAHA. Hilarious. Pardon my sarcasm but I find this show to make me dumber and lower my sperm count. I thought I would set up a list of things I would rather do than watch MAD TV. Here goes;


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

This picture has consumed me

I have been staring at this picture for the last few weeks. It is on my desktop and I made a wallet sized version to look at when I am on the run. This picture is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. When I examine this picture I find myself contemplating the cosmos and the small role that we as humans play in this gigantic universe. This picture makes me think of the cosmic relation we have to all living beings. It also makes me think about dog toupees.
Why do more dogs not wear toupees? Look at this little guy. His level of sophistication has jumped leaps and bounds due to the simple application of a hairpiece. I almost would imagine that this dog could engage you in witty conversation about how to tie a Windsor knot and what brandies are the best after dinner treat. We could talk about foreign diplomacy and the impact that the gold rush had on Americans migration to California. However, I think we could easily segue from serious discussions into the best place to take a shit that people will step in and what another dog’s ass can tell you about them. We have much to learn from one another this chap and I. I just really hope that the toupee gives him the power to talk.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Torri Spelling Syndrome

My friend Catfish sent me this picture today with a question. The question was what is wrong with this picture (click on the photo if you need a better look)? The first thing that jumps out at me are those clothes. TACKY!!! The second thing that I noticed is the tasteless combination of accessories. That bag with those shoes? YUCKKKKKK!!! However, the most starling thing about this photo is the young woman in the middle. I am trying not to be mean here, but just because you are tall it does not necessarily mean that you are a model. Patrick Ewing is gigantic but you don’t see him modeling during fashion week in Paris. This young lady isn’t a gargoyle but this has to be about one of the worst “fashion” shots I have ever seen. It could possibly be the way that she is standing or the goofy hat that makes her not the most photogenic of subjects, or this could be part of something much bigger. You see, I have been hard at work on a theory for some years now and I feel this picture may be the thing I have had missing from my argument. If anything this picture lend ethos to my theory;

The Torri Spelling Syndrome
In our world we have many people who are afforded advantages in life based solely on their family ties. Whether it is getting a job with the same company that ones parents work for or getting into a school based on the alumni status of relatives, your bloodlines can act as the extra edge needed to advance in life. Nowhere is this more prevalent than it is in the entertainment industry. Much like Torri Spelling, this young lady is probably far less qualified than other people who auditioned for the job at hand, but I would bet good money that she is closely related to the person that decided to run this ad. That is the fundamental principle of TSS. TSS is the theory that people who are in positions of control will ignore the usual standards to allow their loved ones to participate when they obviously shouldn’t. This was most blatantly abused by late producer Aaron Spelling casting his daughter Torri in Beverly Hills 90210. Take a good look at the cast and see if it adds up. Now take an even deeper look into the acting on that show and remember that in a show filled with stiff acting performances hers were by far the worst (although I will admit that the “Donna Martin Graduates” episode was a tour de force performance). There will always be less than qualified people thrust into the world of entertainment because they have connections within the business.

This is a monumental day for the TSS theory. With more empirical evidence such as this we are getting closer to finally connecting all the dots of TSS. This picture for TSS would be on par with an evolutionary biologist finding the missing link. This is a most spectacular find.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Kick rocks you busy body

The other day I was catching the bus home because my helicopter was out of service and the limo has been having break problems. I jumped on a very empty bus and took a seat somewhat close to the front of the bus. The bus had gone a few blocks when an older woman and her husband sat down next to me. The first thing that I realized was that I could already smell this woman before she could sit down next to me. She had that smell that was a mix of extremely potent perfumes, some sort of ancient baby powder, and a strange alcoholic stench, no doubt, to mask the embalming fluid. The second thing I noticed was this track suit clad, broach wearing mummy’s hands tapping me on my shoulders. After I took of my ear phones this is how the conversation went;

OLD LADY: Braaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnsssss (gurgle gurgle)

No I am kidding, but she did almost look like a Zombie. It was more like this;

OLD LADY: Excuse me but do you have some toilet paper? I just shit myself. This type of thing usually happens when you die. The body releases the remaining bowels.

Kidding again. For cereal this is how things happened.

OLD LADY: Excuse me, but what do you think you are doing?

REAL HOT SEXY GUY (me): Riding the bus mam.

OLD LADY: These seats are meant for seniors and people with disabilities.

RHSG: (looking around the empty bus) Yes I am aware of that. The second that someone comes in that needs this seat I will gladly get up and give it to them. Is that okay?

OLD LADY: You really should not be sitting down in this seat right now. That is a very rude thing you are doing.


At this point two things happened. The ladies husband agreed with me that this was a fair sounding deal. That, and the lady went into what I can only describe as a seizure or shock because for the remainder of time I sat in that seat she seemed to be convulsing and making a lot of “Humph” and “Pshaw” noises (it may have been her body turning back on again). Yes, I eventually got up out of the seat to let someone sit down much to the dismay of my new friend. When I got of the bus it looked like she had calmed herself down.
Now I want this to be clear. I have a very healthy respect for past generations. I just have no patience for busy bodies. Could she have waited until the bus crowded up to see what kind of move I made? I think so. But no, she couldn’t, because this old hag doesn’t have anything better to do in her life than explain to people how to live theirs. Therefore I would like to offer her a little advice.

Please try to wash all of that perfume, makeup, and death off of yourself. You are scaring the children and making dogs and cats go apeshit.

Friday, November 07, 2008

You sir, are a retard

The young gentleman above used to be the backup center for the University of Texas Longhorn football team. I say “used to” because he is part of the continuing trend of young people getting in trouble as a result of putting a little too much of their personal lives on facebook. In this case our fat, pimply faced, penis haired young friend wrote this in regards to Obama becoming the next president;

"all the hunters gather up, we have a #$%&er in the whitehouse"

Obviously our mongoloid pal is not the sharpest tool in the shed. This mouth breather is not alone though. Just this past week a young cheerleader from the Fackin PATriots was relieved of her duties due to pictures she put up on facebook that show a young gentleman of the intoxicated variety after he had been cheifed with swastikas all over him. I also remember the story from a few months back when a young man who was on trial for manslaughter (drunk driving) had his sentenced increased because of pictures and comments he put up on facebook that showed he was less than remorseful about the whole situation. The question I have is when will people learn?

Nowadays if you think that there won’t be repercussions for what you post on your own personal sites you have another thing coming. I constantly think of pictures that I could have posted from my past on the web that could come back to haunt me when I finally do get arrested for a nationally televised crime. I would not like the mangina pictures of myself with three basketball player sized trannies at a bobbing for apples competition during the love parade when this inevitable headline hits the papers;


Thursday, November 06, 2008

I claim lavender homie (Tons of Gang signs)

Besides watching a lot of soft core porn on HBO I really like to watch shows about gangs and prisons. Don’t ask me if there is a connection because there is and it’s frighteningly perverted. The one show in particular is Gangland, the show that has the sound of a man screaming like he has just been stabbed before they show each vignette (gwaaaaahhh). Gangland is great because it shows a lot about how gangs have been formed across the United States and how they have come to have the traditions and rivalries that they do. It made me start to think of getting my own gang together. You may think it is easy but there are many components to having a successful gang, and you need to think long and hard about the type of stuff needed to succeed in this “thug life.” That is why I have decided on a few items that I think lend credibility to my burgeoning gang and the way we “roll.”

The color that you wear is an important step to creating a gang identity. These colors are a visual symbol of who you represent on the streets. The problem that I have with gang colors is that most gangs go with the tired colors of blue or red. Basically, a few people decided on these colors and then everybody copied them. Of course, there are gangs like the Latin kings who go with black and gold but fuck them because they are pussies. I have noticed that there are many colors to choose from that people have not picked yet. I have decided to go with lavender for two reasons. One, it is a sissy color to some but it won’t look so sissy after I just gut stabbed you for calling me a fag. Two, nobody rocks lavender and I think that we could probably get a good bulk deal on bandanas and outerwear if we pick that color.

Right now I think I will keep the turf to the block I live on. There are no gangs that currently run on this street and I think I could set up a nice little base of operations. Besides I am lazy and I always like to be close to home in case I have to take a shit.

My gang is going to be into all the usual stuff. We will deal drugs, extort, claim protection fees, and all other types of “ill Shit.” The one thing this gang is going to do is step outside of the box in our operations. I think that we will be the first gang to deal with the black market sales of puppies and kittens. This is an opportunity to stake claim in an illegal activity that some may deem a little too pussyish(?) for a gang. I tell you people will be fighting hard to get in on that racket, but by the time they do we will have the whole town on lockdown.

Now this is a tough one. Stacking signs is an important skill for all gangs to have. It’s a form of silent communication and also a really cool thing to do when dancing. The problem is that you can’t have signs until you have something to sign about. Which brings me to my final category for now.

Gang name
I am still at a loss for what I want to do about this one. Do I try to claim a street name or area code in my gang name? Do I add a title like Lords or God’s? Dare I even try to claim a name of ethnic implications? After much thought I realized that I want a gang that is an equal opportunity employer. That’s why I am going to go away from convention and call my gang the Fighting Gentlemen.

We will be having a meet and greet 40oz luncheon coming up in the next couple of weeks. Please be prepared to explain a little bit about yourself and what types of “shit” you are into. It would help if you could bring a police record and credit report.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Do you hate Wednesday too?

Hump Day my ass! Right? Am I right or what? As referenced by the post below and the old picture above there is little love lost between myself and Wednesday. I find it to be a day that brings little to the table. It's kind of like the person that comes to a party and sits by the dip the whole time leering at people explaining why they don't drink because of the carbs. It's a lot like that game Crossfire or condoms, it's useless. That is why I implore all 8 people who read this blog to send me their own interpretation on days of the week and how they feel about them. If you are feeling artistic or feeling yourself why not try to send something over to burtdestruction@gmail.com. Basically, if you submit anything it is going up on the site. Well, anything except for cock pics. Let's try to save those for craigslist.

Thought I forgot about you?

Not a chance you piece of shit. Someday, somehow, I will hunt you down and end you.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Everytime it rains...

I think of Prince and this Deep Thought from Jack Handy;

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."”