Wednesday, December 21, 2005

HO HO HO Biatch

"Not a person was stirring. NOt even that bitch ass motherfucker chauncey." Mrs. Clause

I guess this time of the year is hard for people because they might not have a place to go. What many people don't know is that every year Mr. and Mrs. Clause have a assfuckin good time of a party in the North Pole, it is invite only of course. In order to get to the party one must trek through the ice fields of Heckitsfuckinfreazin. Then you must fight off the carnivorous peguins. Yes, they are carnivorous. No, they don't put up much of a fight. All you have to do is knock them over. One thing you always have to remember is that they are animals. Animals get scared by flashing lights and big biceps. Fortunately, when I flex my biceps they flash a brilliant neon light. Unfortunately, I have gotten kicked out of many arm wrestling tournaments for illegal tactics. I was one step away from fighting in that movie "Over The Top" for that big MAC truck. Until Stalone started getting all jealous. HE was all ",like I am the biggest pussy in the world, I wish I was as strong as you, blah blah blah." I am totally over that though. Wait...What was I talking about. Oh yeah, Christmass. Once you get to the house Mrs. Clause has her special egg nog 40oz ready to go. Santa usually gets back around the time I have finished my 10th egg nog 40oz. If my math is correct I belive that equals shitfaced. After the telling of stories and reindeer dinner (funny side note: The reindeer they kill each year is named Rudolph) we open a few bottles of everclear and proceed to break all the presents that Santa forgot to deliver. After that we try to watch "A Christmass Story." Usually, I fall asleep in the bathroom. The next morning I begin my long swim home. I find it refreshing. I know that not everybody has Christmass like me. And with that in mind I would like to say, go fuck yourself Stalone. Love Burt

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

So it has finally come to this... WAR!

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Ooooooh... some times you make me so mad I just want to get sick all over myself. In no way could anyone in my family look this way. There is no way I am related to those sissy nancies Sienfried and Roy Toy. Image hosted by Do me a favor and build an army. Since I no longer can tell people about all my extreme and extraordinary stunts and triumphs I have decided to declare war upon you Craig T. Satisfaction. Did you see how I did not call you doctor? I did that on purpose. I have started to build my legion of worshippers.
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I hope that you have at least one friend, nerd. This time we play for keeps. I ask all of you to swear allegiance, or die by my He-man Sword.Image hosted by

Sunday, May 15, 2005

What up Doc

It's been a few days and still no response. Hey nerd, try to get some balls and respond. Oh thats right, your problem is that you do not have any balls. I also heard you can't use your right leg. I am sitting down just waiting for you to get up on your good leg and write for two seconds.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Dr. Satisfaction is really starting to piss me off

Hey I think I am going to break your stupid head open. How dare you question my dreams. I bet if you had any dreams of you own this wouldn't be happening. Maybe you can do something more with you life than just being a lousy doctor. Image hosted by

This guy sucks so bad. Yet, i would like you to examine some of Craig's friends

Oh and I also thought I would put up a few pictures from Craig's family photo album.
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Saturday, May 07, 2005

So what he's animated

That cat has tried to duplicate my love for lasagna and nack for sleeping hours at a time. I invented those things due to my extreme habits. The lasagna gives you strength that can make you do two times what a normal man can. The sleeping enables me to stay up for days. It allows me to come up with intricate plots like cloning t-rex's on Mars and building my space hanglider. If that little cat thinks he can beat me to Mars he is stupid. I may just make a visit to my pal John Arbuckle. Better wise up cat. Wise up quick.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I Surfed JAWS

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That's right. It is an amazing wave. I must say I was a bit skeptical as to how I wanted to approach it. I thought that tons of people ride it the same way, so why should I. I know that all these weiners have to get towed in, and that they use special boards with all these straps on them. I just thought that it would be gnarly if I used a tray from Taco Bell. I did not get towed in. I swam beneath the beast, and when I saw a wave with my terrific underwater vision a swam right into it. I was super deep in the barrel when I almost had to put both feet on the tray. I eventually did a flip in the middle of the barrel and rode out smoothly. I lost the tray when I catapulted myself from the wave to the nearby cliffs. Tasty waves, good buzz.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Look at this Pussy

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See that picture up there. That's a picture I drew of you Craig. Your name sounds like the guy who was in that show Coach. What a weak show. It was a show about a football coach but there was no football. It's a lot like your life Doctor, weak and crappy. Don't be alarmed if you find a brick through your window. I am really starting to get mad. Oh, and I wouldn't show up to TGIFriday's if you know what i mean. Eat Shit and Die.

Monday, April 25, 2005

You Lying Sack of Shit

Oh it is on now! It is so on biatch. I will use every ounce of my unbelievably ripped physique to tear your body parts limb from limb. Then i am going to get you disbarred. Watch you back because Papa Burt is on a highway to hell. I will do things that make cannibals cringe. I will strike down hell fire upon you. I also put a curse on you that makes cheeseburgers taste like cold dog shit. How bout' them apples doc. P.S. The only real doc was from back to the future.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Welcome to the World of Destruction

You awaken suddenly. You are in a dimly lit room leaning against the wall. As you notice how sweaty you are you feel that you could really go for some onion rings right about now. Suddenly, a voice beckons from the other side of the room.

"Hark yeh young man, but hath you beith the oneth who is in search of most flavorful onion rings?"

You eyes begin to focus on three distinct points of light. In front of that light looms a large and imposing figure carrying a weapon of some sort, possibly made out of the bones of various animals. Before you stands a large and imposing character who has many horrific scars and a Pantera tattoo on his neck.

"My name is Burt, and I shall be your guide through the land of DESTRUCTION."

"Behind me sits three doors. The door of FURY, the door of PAIN, and the door of MARGARITAVILLE."

"One of these doors will lead you to your goal. The other two doors will have terrifying consequences that you will live with for the rest of your days."

"Choose a door immeadiately or I will be forced to hit you with my animal bone club.


Monday, April 04, 2005

Doesn't anybody like Burt

I went to could not attend my class last week and feel a little lonely. It looks as though old Burt has been left out of the reindeer games. My nose doesn't even fucking glow... yet. I have no partner to play a game I have no idea about. However, I have started a new game with myself called world domination. It is a game of relentous determination and it is called world domination. There are three steps to the game and they work this way.

1. Become Governor

2. Become President

3. Take Over!

Of course you may be thinking that this is no game at all, but some sick twisted joke. Well do I have some news for you. The game has already begun and I am in the lead.

Monday, March 14, 2005

The Games I Play(insert evil laugh)

I looked through all of the sites for games that you could control the character through the adventure. Although many of the comedy games were not that funny or fun, your friend Burt did like some of the sci fi adventure games. Yet, I began to tire of those as well, and began searching for a real challenge in the game of life. I found a site that offered a game where you told a real person what to do and based on that, they would suffer the real life consequences. On my computers video player I saw my human Gary. Gary had offered his services to the company because he "really needed that dough man." Whatever that meant I knew I had someone under my control and willing to risk it all for some cash. As the game began I had Gary inventory himself quite a few times, because I was under the sinking suspicion that Gary had a bit of a substance abuse problem. After finding out that he had the key to make it out of the maze we went to work. I made Gary run to each new destination at 100%(that's all I give, so should he). When he finally had made it to the end of the maze he was missing a hand and a large portion of his right thigh. Due to the waiver I signed I can no longer discuss the extent of Gary's horrific injuries. We were however, the first people to ever make it out of the maze. Gary lost a lot of blood, but I am sure that the two hundred dollars he won as a prize will cover the hospital bill. As for me, I'm taking and going to the amazon to hunt the most dangerous animal alive. MAN!!!!

Monday, March 07, 2005

Best Movie Ever?

The other night I got nostalgic with some of my Navy Seal buddies. It was during the Antonio Banderas number with Carlos Santana that Staff Seargent Jimenez aked what our favorite movies of all time were. I wanted to think about what choice others had before I blurted mine out. Dawson was partial to Bloodsport, and I found it hard not to agree with him. Jimenez waxed nostalgically about Starship Troopers and its poingnant scenes. I agreed with him. Not only is the score amazing but the killing, oh the killing, was killtastic. I finally was ready to give my choice. Neverending Story taught all of us to never give up and to fight for what was right. Even if it meant reading a book in the attic like a weiner. It still had a lot of great moments. And that flying dog thing does exist. I rode one in Thailand.

The new extreme sports suck

All these people keep telling me how extreme all these new sports are. People will always have arguements over what is the most extreme of all sports. I have finally decided to reveal the answer. The truth is that they are all equal in extremeness. That is if you follow old proffesor Burt's guide to rock'n out with your cock out. First, if you plan on big wave surfing try surfing with a great white shark instead of a surfboard. When skydiving with buddies pack one of the chutes up with dirty laundry then have everyone pick up their pack at random. This adds for a more exteme rush and also people begin to learn how to survive falls from that type of distance. Bungee jump over areas with wild animals. Attach rockets to your skateboard. Only snowboard in avalanches. And try playing chess against one of the old guys down on market. I cannot give you all my extreme secrets so I implore you to try other routes. But just remember, if you can walk away from it without a scratch you obviously must not be trying. Now get out there and get Jiggy Wit It.
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Saturday, March 05, 2005

A funny thing happened the other night.

I went out the other night with the idea of having a nightcap. I was walking down by the docks trying to find the scummiest and tough bar in the whole city. Let's face it, if I don't challenge myself in every aspect of my life that would not be extreme. And if it isn't extreme it isn't Burt. I found a nice little nook called Timmy O'Shitty's. As I walked in a bottle was immeadiately broken over my head. As I wiped the blood off of my face I thought to myself 'this is one hell of a bar.' It had all the types of thing a good bar does. They had darts, pool, and in the basement Northern California's largest cock fighting ring. There were no matches scheduled for that evening, but it is good to know. The patrons have also built a community that has scheduled events they take very seriously. It just so happened to be "KNIFE FIGHT NIGHT" on Thursdays at O'Shitty's. I decided to be a spectator for the evening. Instead of trying to take the life of someone, again, I turned my attention to the bar and began one of the most legendary benders in recent history. O'Shitty's only serves whiskey and tequila. Therefore, it was only obvious that I would mix them together and begin challenging strangers to contests that included push ups, pull ups, and arm wrestling. The Bartender made some comment about how he couldn't serve me after 2. I did what any other logical drunk would. I threw up on the man and walked home in a drunken rage. I do plan on going back though for "BRING YOUR GUN TUESDAYS."
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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

I was snubbed at the Oscars.... AGAIN

I am so sick and tired of the Oscars. First of all there is no category for best action scene, or most specialist bloody massacre scene. Therefore, yours truly would not be nominated for any type of award at this years show. I had a little bit to do with the movie Million Dollar Baby. And by little bit I mean that I had a very intimate relationship with Morgan Freeman and Hillary Swank, or as I like to call her the "swankster." I regret that the relationship fell apart but it was not right for her and I continue on in that fashion. Besides i have found a new calling in life. I recommend you try Crack .

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Burt destruction...the beginning. Forward by Walter Mondale, Phd, DDS, RNN, CPA, MBA, EPA, FAA, CIA, CNN, Walmart

tonight i sat down gathered a thurst so grand, it rivaled the great wa-a-hoo-too famine of 1836, i was there. The day smelled of rosemary and ginger. Berthed from a texan bull, wrapped in barbed wire, burt destruction was shat into the world...Although not much is known about the birth of such a man, we can only speculate.
Common scholars agree, From then on, he accomplished, he learned, he danced his way into the heats of gouls and pixies alike. Upon applying the horns to the beast burt destruction turned to me and stabbed in the eye with a screwdriver, and then proceeded to tell me how weak i was. It was the phillips head that punctured my brain, burt toasted the loss of my eyeball with primal scream. And his annoucement of the supergroup Bon Springsteen.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Gang Violence Make Burt Mad

I recently took a trip down to Los Angeles. I wanted to wind down in a nice warm area that had horrible visibility, and pollution on par with Chernobl. I went down to the ocean near Venice and started to unpack my picnic of two t-bone steaks and a gallon of raw eggs. No sooner had I finished my first t-bone when I noticed a large group of men walking towards me. It just so happened it was the entire bloods gang. I later found out they were at the beach for family day. Family day indeed. They asked me for my wallet and my life. I wear no clothes at the beach so i did not have a wallet on me. The other request, for my life, I could not do because Burt Destruction will never die. I had to think quickly. The only thing I had to protect myself were my aqua socks I had recently purchased at K MART . I quickly fastened them together, with my own hair, and made a crude pair of nunchucks. I must have wiped out the entire gang. I felt bad so I bought all their families some ice cream on uncle Burt.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Change is the spice of life...Or is it Cocaine

When I went through all the major media sites I noticed what I always do. I went to CNN, then I went to the Chronicle, then I explored other various media outlets that are commercial. Always the same sort of thing. The stories all seem to mirror eachother with the exception of a different analyst or perhaps an editorial piece by one of the writers or the editor. Of course, these sites do a good job of finding news stories that are newsworthy, but the independants focus can be much different. With many of the same news stories the independent media may look a at side to the story overlooked or underminded. They also report on news that you may not have heard. While comparing news stories I came across this one: Horses in Illinois are beginning to get drug tested for fear that they are using cocaine in order to get wired up before their races. Now if that is not news I don't know what is. In the wake of all this animal abuse it is a relevant and highly interesting story to me. I like the indy's because they offer a fresh look into our news and lives. If you want the best news coverage with the most intellectual topics please click HERE

Monday, February 14, 2005

My time in the octagon

I am supposed to write a story based on real life experience. I have so many varied experiences of different exciting things, so it was hard to narrow it down to one. If I had to pick one it would be my time in the octagon. Yes, I have wrestled in the octagon on many occasions. No, I have never lost a single match. I am going to tell what a typical experience in the octagon would be like for myself.


When my name is introduced over the loud speaker I go into what I call "the bonecrushing zone." I run as fast as I can down to the ring and jump over the eight foot wall. Once inside I do my best not to laugh as my opponent enters the ring. The funny thing about when I fight in the octagon is that once the bell rings I black out and usually come to with someone's lifeless body at my feet. As I exit the ring to cheers I think about my post match ritual. I take my clothes off and jump into a hot bubble bath with a wine cooler. It never fails to follow the same pattern.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

My web site

This is a little website that my people have put together in order to honor me and my excellence. Click Praise Me

Link to the blog I picked

I you want to read some interesting news stories and talk about them click link

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The future is now!

Do you know how great it is that I have my own blog. Now I can regail people with my extraordinary feats, and numerous high powered business negotiations. Here's a little sample. I was the first person to hang glide in space, and I was really the one who made the Louisiana Purchase.