Friday, May 30, 2008

We must stop these terrorists

There is no doubt that by now you have heard the news about the discovery of a lost tribe of people discovered deep in the forests of the Amazon, a sect of peoples that have never come in contact with a society outside of their own, fascinating. That is why I am going to go out on a limb here and beat the Bush administration to the next obvious step. We had best send troops to the Amazon and take care of these bastards before they ruin our way of life. One day we are marveling at their ability to self sustain themselves and their culture. The next, we are fighting for our lives while they shoot their arrows at us and use black magic. I bet the arrows even have anthrax on the tip of them. You might say, “Burt you can’t be serious.” Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. If we don’t start protecting our borders from people like this we are going to regret it for the rest of our lives. Leave them alone some may say. Well, they have already seen us flying above them, which means Charlie has the jump on us. That is why we need to focus on getting our troops out of Iraq and into the Amazon. If not to protect our borders and American way of life, then to see if they have any oil down there. I mean I think it’s a little easier to fight a few orange guys with arrows than people with guns. USA USA USA!!!!!!

Friday, May 23, 2008

A trip to Whales Vagina sounds nice

Anytime one of these three day weekends come around I get down on my knees and thank Sudaram, my god and savior, for his kindness and generosity. The other thing I do is try to get out of town for a little me time. Well, this time around I have decided to visit Whales Vagina for a few days and soak up the atmosphere. It is going to be quite a time. I plan on coming in HOT, hitting the ground running at a rate of speed that many would not perceive rational. However, I will try to remain dignified in the presence of this beautiful town and my constituents. All that being said I would like to issue a simple mantra for the weekend. See the ball, be the ball, drink a high ball.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

It's someones special day

There is a sweet boy that lives down the street from me and it is his birthday today. He loves Ghostbusters and candy. He also wanted me to tell everyone that he appreciates the well wishes and candy baskets. He would have said thanks but he only types one word a minute.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Holy shit it is hot out

It is hot as balls out right now and I am frustrated. Don’t get me wrong. I happen to love hot weather. I welcome a chance to don the speedo and head out to my local park for a little sunning. What gets my panties all in a bunch is that never, not once, has the Coors Light Ice cold Beer train run through my neighborhood. I know that the thing exists. It has been in countless commercials. You know the scenario. It is closing time at work and everybody is exhausted by the heat and a long day of servitude to the powers that be, when all of a sudden this silver bastion of hope comes flying out of nowhere handing out ice cold beers and making life just a bit more bearable. Where the fuck is this magic train when I need it?!? The thing doesn’t run on tracks or anything. Scientists have concluded that it is a magic train. If it is a engineer you need then I am your man, but please don’t deny my people this super train any longer. Today would be the perfect day to do it. I will be waiting at my corner at about 4pm and if I don’t start to hear “Love Train” by the O’Jays you best believe that heads are going to roll. That’s right Pete Coors, you rocky mountain water drinking son of a bitch.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Nickolas Spencer is a dirty dumb whore

There are some people in life that, tragically, have been ignored to a point that obnoxious behavior is the only reason people pay them any attention. Whether it was little attention from their parents, impotency issues or overwhelming body odor something happened that led people to distance themselves. The only thing left to do at this time is make outrageous claims in order for people to realize who you are in the first place. One such person is Nickolas Spencer. I do not know this asswipe from a hole in the wall but apparently he thinks that everyone does. Nick, if I can call him that, wrote quite an unflattering letter to a group of people describing what he thought were injustices revolving around a certain recreational league’s treatment of him. His largely un-based claims seem to point to a person who is lonely and mad at the world. More to the point, he just seems like a gigantic gaping asshole. Anyways, I wanted to say that I thought that this league was a great chance to meet people of like mind and I do not have one bad thing to say about it. So to the people who made it so enjoyable, I thank you. As for our friend Nick I think that my feelings would best be represented by the words of Silky Johnson and Ice T;

“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you, but I hate you. I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only to you.”

“I want every hot tub you ever step in to be cold.”