Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Robocop on a unicorn? Finally, some real art!


Fuck Andy Warhol. Fuck Michelangelo. Fuck performance pieces. Fuck beat poetry. Fuck Dali. Fuck all art students. Fuck neo anything. And a big fuck you to the Mona Lisa.

I have finally seen the highest form of art that has ever been produced. The combination of genres and the composition of these pieces is truly amazing. A small group of the greatest artists of all time have displayed some of their work on flickr. This new, and most excellent type of art can be seen here . The only thing that I think can top this would be oil paintings of all the action stars of the 80’s screaming in their most notable movies. That and nude sculptures of me pleasuring myself.

Monday, October 27, 2008

My belt broke this weekend


No, it wasn’t because I am too fat. The belt just broke because of horrible craftsmanship. At first I thought it may have broken due to my Herculean strength but then I studied the belt and noticed the poor use of epoxy on the belts attachment. I guess I am not really going anywhere with this post other than to say that belts are pretty important, and besides suspenders they are really one of the only devices that holds peoples pants up. I don’t consider shoelaces an acceptable belt, it moves around way too much. That’s why this whole incident got me using my thinking box. Since suspender should only be worn by gigantic fat men, stylish gay newspaper editors and butlers I am not able to wear such a pants holding device. That is why I am going to come up with something better than a belt, something much better than suspenders. I think I am going to have magnets implanted in my skin and sewn into every pair of pants and shorts that I have. Take that belt industry!!!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

R.I.P. Dolemite


Yesterday we were faced with the tragic loss of one the world’s greatest performers, Rudy Ray Moore, Dolemite himself. If you have not had the chance to see Mr. Moore in the golden age of his career as the street wise pimp you should be ashamed of yourself. Words cannot express the prose that this man spoke in, his undeniable sex appeal and the way he brought the character to life. I think that perhaps the best way to honor a man such as Rudy Ray would be to let him say something himself. Dolemite would say;

Man, move over and let me pass 'fore they have be to pullin' these Hush Puppies out your mothafuckin' ass!

You no-business, born-insecure, jock-jawed motha-FUCKA!

That rat soup eatin', insecure, honky mutha fucka!

Detective: Now, I know you think you're smart, see, cause you got all them flashy clothes, you got that big car there, you got all them black bitches working for you.
Dolemite: You forgot about the white ones.


You will be missed Disco Godfather, you will be missed.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Excuse me sir, did you shit your pants?


This weekend I had the pleasure of visiting beautiful Delores Park in the Mission District on a fantastically sunny day to watch the red bull soap box races. Due to the fact that it was such a nice day out I decided to treat myself to a couple of cold fresh beers. The cold beers tasted great but because of my child sized bladder I had to make more than a few trips to one of the many porta potty stations all over the park. When I first went up to the lines for the toilet I noticed that one stall did not have a line in front of it. A nice older gentleman who looked to be accompanied by an escort explained that someone had jumped into the stall about ten minutes ago and was not coming out. You have to feel for someone in a situation like that. I reasoned to myself that he must have some case of explosive diarrhea or he was doing drugs in the toilet. Either way he was in there for a reason.
You can imagine my surprise when I returned to the same area about a half hour later and our friend was still in the toilet. Although, people had now begun to bang on the stall door and were trying to force the door open. Not until a half an hour later with the cops finally at the door did any response come from inside. He finally emerged after an officer came to the door with what looked like running pants for him to put on, which leads me to why I wrote about this incident in the first place.
If you are going to be stuck in a porto potty there better be one hell of a goddamned good reason that you could stay in a bucket of filth that long. Obviously, this guy must have shit his pants and he didn’t want to come out until the party was over. I began to think of other possible reasons that could compel one to stay in a place like that for so long. Here is what I came up with at the time;

He is high as fuck on drugs and the tight space and smell of that porto water were the only things that helped him stay calm.

Someone at the races had him marked for death and he had to hide in the john until he was able to get a police escort out of the area.

This person has a fetish for doodie and was getting his rocks off doing a little poo play.

Our friend may have had too much to drink and he wanted to take a nap without being bothered.

Or ……SHIT HIS PANTS AND STAYED WITH HIS POO PANTS ON IN THAT PORTO POTTY FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF WHILE EVERYBODY KNOCKED ON THE DOOR UNTIL THE COPS CAME WITH A CLEAN PAIR OF SHORTS FOR HIM UNTIL HE WALKED OUT OF THE THING LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED WITH A LOOK LIKE “WHAT THE FUCK ARE ALL OF YOU LOOKING AT”!!!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Working on the weekends


Things have been tight around the Destruction household lately. Like I have said in the past I do a lot of different jobs to make ends meet during the week. I do just enough to have the essentials necessary for the type of lifestyle I live. You know, food, clothes, a roof over my head, porn, beer, slip n slides and oil paintings of myself, normal stuff. Yet, I find myself sitting there on the weekend with little money to go out and treat myself to a nice dinner or to catch a musical (musical = Stripclub). That’s why I have decided that I would like to start working on the weekends for a while. Now I don’t want a job that is going to take up the whole weekend and I want a job that I would enjoy doing. That’s why I have decided to become a male stripper.

I am going to become one of those male strippers that come to the house during a batchelorette or grandmothers tea party. I feel like my talent for acting and showmanship would not be utilized as effectively in the strip club environment. This is not to say that I don’t have the dancing skills needed to be a club performer. I am a fucking tremendous dancer. I just feel that the art of coming to a party where only a few people know you are going to be performing really adds to the excitement. Plus, I have a awesome idea to spice up the mundane practicum’s that have plagued this job.

For far too long male strippers have been relegated to using the same boring costumes and acts whenever they enter a situation of sexiness. Whether it’s the policeman sent over because of the noise complaints or the plumber that’s here to “fix some pipes,” it has all grown old and tired. That’s why I think that I am going to do so well as a stripper who does house calls. I am going to show up as and explorer.

I am going to knock on the door in a full head to toe safari outfit. I plan to look something like this gentleman here;

When someone answers the door I will politely ask, in an English accent, to be invited in to take a look at the house. “You see,” I will say, “I apologize for intruding upon your party but I have been searching far and wide for a very special treasure that has eluded me for years and I think that this house may contain the answers.” At this point I think I will have captivated the crowd enough that someone will eventually ask me exactly what it is I have been searching for. That’s when I pull out the boombox with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now cued up and tell them “the treasure I have been searching for is some hot female snatch that is ready to ogle my grinding man meat.” I expect an eruption of chaos and excitement as these ladies begin to make it rain with 20’s. Let me know what you think.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

We need a new type of debate


Thank god that was the final debate last night. I have a hard time watching the debates because I feel like we are seeing the person trying to put forward the best image of themselves as possible while sugarcoating their beliefs and ideals. Of course this is going to happen, but I just wanted you to know. I need people to hear my feelings because I am insecure and if I don’t express myself I get upset that nobody knows how I feel and that leads to me soaking in a bubble bath and crying my eyes out while I drink Nyquil, but I digress. The problem is that in America today we value much more than just a message or an image. We need to see actual results in action. That is why I have a plan to get rid of debates in general and to institute what I call Physical Challenges.

These physical challenges will be a series of mental, physical, and emotional tests that each candidate must go through before a live audience. Now I haven’t really narrowed these down yet but I think that if I could throw out a few ideas maybe we could start brainstorming or start a think group, whatever. Here are my initial thoughts;

Have the first challenge actually be a physical challenge from the show Double Dare. I recommend that is be one where they have the bucket on their head and they have to fill it by squeezing juice out of something, hopefully oversized foam fruit.

Wild bird calling.

Have the contestants play a game of darts. Each candidate has to have three alcoholic drinks of their choice throughout the game.

Swimsuit competition.

Each candidate will be shown a series of pictures in the same order while attached to a heart rate monitor. These pictures will be very sexy, but of both a hetero and homo sexual nature. Maybe even some kinky animal stuff?

Freestyle rap battle

The candidates must each play a game of Pictionary with their family. It would be a really great look at the family dynamic and how much pressure the candidates put on their children for failing.

Hidden talent.

The candidates must be locked in a room with a crazy left wing or right wing activist who has just smoked a pretty large amount of rock cocaine and try to see how long they can talk to them before the security has to come in.

Log rolling.


Each contestant will have to do both the American Gladiator “Eliminator” and “the Crag” from guts. This part of the competition will be timed.

That’s all I have for now. I think that if we could find a way to make all of these events have a relevant scoring system this could really work. In the event of a tie we will have the candidates square off in some type of cage fight with an assortment of weapons and wild animals in the cage. All of the representatives of government must dress up like they are in Mad Max and the referee will be Tina Turner. As always, I am open to suggestions.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

RED WINE



No, I am not talking about the song by UB40. I am talking about sweet red wine, the nectar of the gods. As evidenced by yesterday’s post I am none to thrilled with Monday’s as of late and I needed a pick me up. Well guess who was there for me when I truly needed someone. That’s right, red wine. You happen to be delicious when poured into spaghetti sauce. You also happen to be delicious when I pour you down my throat. I don’t give a flying boner if you stain my teeth and clothing. I just like you for you. That’s why I would like to address this letter to red wine so that the whole world can see my feelings.

Dear Red Wine.

Let’s make babies and fly away to the south of France and live in small ch√Ęteau for the rest of our days. We could take long horseback rides across the sweeping countryside and pretend to become cheese connoisseurs. I would massage your back and you could massage my stomach. I long for the time when I will feel your embrace and whisper sweet nothings into your ear as we watch the sun dip into the ocean whilst aboard my gigantic pleasure yacht.

Sexually yours,
Burt

Monday, October 13, 2008

Maybe we could try to repackage this Monday


I have noticed that over the years companies have learned to rebrand themselves in ways that serve the company interests. A few notable examples would be;

Bringing Jack back to the Jack n the Box commercials

KFC making the colonel a wise cracking hip-hop snowboarding chicken hawker and then changing him back to the folksy old racist grandpa

Mountain Dew branding itself the extreme soda (but aren’t all sodas extreme?)

Anyways, I think that these types of changes brought the companies back to a notoriety that they had long since lost. You see, I don’t think that any one respects Mondays anymore. And why would you? They stink. Ever since that movie Office Space came out and the line “a case of the Mondays” was uttered people have associated Monday’s, already a horrible day at this point, as an almost terminal type of disease. That’s why I think it would help if why tried to repackage Monday as a newer and hipper weekday. From now on I think that we should call Monday, HJandcheeseburgersday. Hopefully, we could get some fast food companies to sponsor it so that every Monday you can go and get a cheep cheeseburger with which you can enjoy your HJ to. I am open to ideas though.

Friday, October 10, 2008

JOOSE!!!!!!


The other week I was lucky enough to hang out with my friend Catfish. I was already balls deep in some Mickey’s so Catfish went down to the store to get some supplies. Upon returning from the store I noticed that he had gotten something besides the usual 40 oz of malt liquor. He instead got the energy enhanced, 24 ounce malt liquor JOOSE. I think it tastes like gasoline mixed with tangerine juice. Catfish thinks it tastes like assholes. Here is how one company insider defines it;

JOOSE has been described by Terry Kester, VP of United Brands Co., as "a little bit of mango, a little bit of papaya and a little bit of lightning."

Now I don’t know about you but I have never tried to drink lightning. You know, because it could fucking kill you. I think that Terry is obviously trying promote the product as an edgy no nonsense type of brand for the serious malt liquor drinker. JOOSE also has its own catch phrase for when people drink it. Wikipedia has this in its definition;

In the popular lexicon drinking a JOOSE is described as "getting on the grid."

Getting on the grid indeed. Let me tell you something. I “got on the grid” and was not very impressed. Now maybe that is because I have not taken the time to try all four JOOSE flavors. I must be missing out because the feedback from fans of JOOSE on the website is extremely positive. Here is one comment from one of many satisfied customers;

Josh, Beaverton, OR 9/25/08
JOOSE has changed my life! All of a sudden the sun is brighter, the grass is greener, girls look better, and I can stay up for days straight! Portland, Oregon hasn’t been the same since you have invaded our town. Drink JOOSE! For we…are JOOSECORE!


With a review like that and many other ones here , I think I might just have to change my mind about never drinking a JOOSE again. I also encourage all ten people who read this blog to weigh in on how things were when you “got on the grid.” Also, please let me know if anyone dies from drinking it. That lightning taste still has me freaked out.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Burt and the Beanstalk


Last night the American public was treated to round two of Obama vs. McCain. I only caught the first segment of the debate where the topic was, unsurprisingly, the economy. It is the hot topic on everyone’s mind these days and it was inevitable that it would be a point of focus. My problem with these debates is the constant rhetoric from both sides trying to distance themselves from the crisis and explaining how they wouldn’t have let this happen under “their plans.” Well obviously that is what they are going to say. It’s not like they are going to approve of the current situation. I just think that if the question was posed to me I would have a new take on it. Therefore, I would like to pose the question to myself.

“Mr. Destruction, given the current state of the economy and our recent plan to help stimulate it what is your plan to help right the ship that is our economy?”

Well Tom, first I would like to say thank you to the American people and these jackasses here in the town hall meeting. Seriously though, I think I may have a plan that isn’t very conventional but a solid one nonetheless. Do you remember that story about Jack and the magic beanstalk? Well, I have a feeling that it may actually be based on fact. That’s why the first part of my plan would center on finding these “magic beans,” wherever they may be. Once we have the beans we can plant and water them until we have a beanstalk that grows into the clouds. From there I would send in a crack recovery unit to invade the giant’s castle in the sky and try to steal some of the giant’s gold. We would have to be a lot quicker and quieter than young Jack was. I think that if we can get a good amount of the giant’s gold and escape undetected this might just be the thing to get our economy back in shape. I say that because Giant gold is ten times the size of regular gold and probably worth more. I base that on no facts at all. Also, we are going to have to cut the beanstalk down once they return so that the giant doesn’t come down to take back his gold. Can you say expanded job market? Shit, we are going to need a ton of Americans to cut that sucker down and then get rid of the waste from the beanstalk. If that isn’t a plan to stimulate and invigorate this economy I don’t know what is. [Throw mic down on the ground, flex a few times, and make gesture with hands to show penis size.]

I think that this argument would compel many Americans to vote for me based on my outside the box thinking and overall sexiness. I would also smile a lot and make eye contact.

Friday, October 03, 2008

My brain hurt


If you didn’t know HSM3 is coming out pretty soon. If you didn’t know that, you probably also didn’t know that HSM3 is High School Musical 3, Disney’s extremely successful movie series. I have happened to catch a few of the previews on TV and I have to tell you I am extremely confused as to what this movie is about. Now what I am about to say may surprise you, but I have yet to catch either HSM or HSM2. Obviously, this is a movie with a lot of singing and dancing, but what else is it about? Well if I was to explain it simply based on the trailers I have seen, here are a few predictions that I have for this movie;

The one girl with the big nose is a real jerk and she wants the spotlight to be on her. She will eventually learn the lesson of being a team player and in the end have an emotional breakthrough with the group. Emotional breakthrough = gangbang.

At some point a basketball game will be interrupted by an impromptu dance routine. The dancing will help the team to focus and they will win the game. They will most likely be playing a school for the deaf and blind.

For some reason something will happen between the male and female leads that makes them question their relationship. I expect it’s probably because they are seniors in high school and they haven’t bumped uglies yet.

The black guy will have a really cool catch phrase.

The unpopular kids at school will have a crazy liquor fueled sex party. There will be no singing or dancing at this party, because popular people don’t do that kind of stuff.

At some point there is going to have to be some sort of final dance where they all sing together before deciding which one of the non believers must be sacrificed to appease the God Zuel. It’s a metaphor for going off to college.

I know the basketball scene is kind of a stretch, but I am just going off of what the commercials show me.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Somebody's going shopping


I have to admit. I have been down in the dumps recently. It feels like the world is caving in around me and that I am struggling just to keep my head above water. You see, I am going bald, in my pubes. It is terribly embarrassing. You think about it all day and night. It makes you think twice about taking your clothes off in order to make love to a sweet lady. I haven’t had sex with the lights on in months. This is never what I would have expected to feel like when I started to lose hair around little Burt. Close friends would recommend that I throw caution to the wind and shave it all off. Yet, I just can’t do that. It feels like I would be denying myself my manliness. The hair down there is just as important as the silken locks on the top of my head (which look great BTW). Now a new hope burns inside of me, I am going to purchase a merkin;

Merkin – Imitation pubic hair. A pubic wig.

That’s right! I’m back. It’s a whole new world for me. I feel like my confidence is going to be back. That old swagger is going to return. Along with the lights when I make sexuals raaaarrrrrrr. The biggest decision that I have to make now is the style of my merkin. Should I go with the low key brown curly wig or should I try that multicolor emo look. I might even buy a bunch of different ones to mix it up. I am open to suggestions and would love to hear what kind of merkin you think I should get.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Happy Birthday Count Assula


Well he has been back in the city for a while spreading his joy and good cheer to many. He has helped the disadvantaged and once again gained a strong foothold in the city by the bay. Kudos to you Count Assula! Why don’t you take a day off and enjoy your special day? I am not saying that this gives you carte blanches to do whatever that perverted mind of yours wants, you already have that. Go out and get in a knife fight, drink a quart of whiskey, pee yourself in a fancy restaurant, and make sure that you are in bed by a reasonable time.

God Speed you Crazy Sex Beast.