Tuesday, July 29, 2008

For my next trick...

As many of you know I am a new age renaissance man. I have applied myself in the many pleasures of life albeit that they tend to be more on the extreme side. If you have forgotten here are a few of my more dubious achievements;

First man to Hang Glide in space

Bungee Jumped at the top of the Himalayas’ without oxygen

Beat up the entire South Central Bloods using only an aquasock and my bare hands

Surfed Mavericks on a Taco Bell tray

Went against Dear Abby’s advice and decided not to apologize to the parents of the child that I told Santa and the Easter bunny had been killed by a guerilla fighting force from Canada

Visited New Jersey and never said “ova here” or “OH!!!”

Put pop rocks in my ears and then got a wet willy

Watched Oprah for a day straight

All of these accomplishments are a testament to the remarkable courage and dedication that I have to accepting the extreme challenges this world can offer us. This leads me to my most extreme challenge to date, to have sex with Amy Winehouse.

It poses a few problems right off the bat. First, how is it that you are going to get her attention? Well, I figure I will just dress up as a gigantic crack rock or perhaps a shiny new hypodermic needle. Once I have her lured in to me I will simply put on my home made cologne made specifically for her. The cologne is called Hot Butt and features smell notes of cigarettes, box wine, cigars, feces and peppermint. This will no doubt lead to some sort of sexual contact. By my calculations I will need 16 condoms, protective goggles and a full wetsuit for one thrust. If I follow these precautions to the T, I believe that I will make it out alive and with the title of most extreme person ever.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Burt 1 - Scientology 0

It has taken some time but I have come to the decision that I need to come up with my own religion. In our world today there are so many options in which one can put their faith in. We have groups like Kabbalah and Opus Dei that are offshoots of mainstream religions. There are non denominational religions that focus on a multitude of different things as God, and of course there is Scientology (knuckleheads). What I have learned from Scientology is that you can basically make up your own religion and if you are crazy enough and committed to it people will follow you. Well I happen to be crazy, almost insane, and I think that I have just enough time between skeeball league and thong pulls to commit to this religion and increasing its congregation. I have decided to name the new religion Burtholiscm or Burtenomics. Here are a few of the more recently established tenements of the new religion;

Our god is named Mr. Stupendous and he is made of diamonds and can shoot lazers from his eyes. He lives in outer space with his wife, Donna Stupendous, and their 3,800 celestial children. He also shits stars and orgasms black holes.

You are more than welcome to eat meat on Fridays. The only thing you can’t eat is pussy. I am referring to both the genital and animal.

Once a week our congregants must take a bowel movement standing up. In our bible, the Super Awesome Book of Power, Sex and Mad Libs, this process is referred to as “the process.”

There will be no masturbating, I repeat NO masturbating, between the one hour that Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune are running on you local cable access. You don’t have to watch the shows, but you can’t masturbate. Also, if you don’t have a TV just take an hour out of your day not to do it.

There will be no false gods. That includes Lebron James, Dom Delouise, Alex Trebek or myself.

Each year on December 26 we remember the birth of Mr. Stupendous by taking a naked hot tub and re-gifting birthday presents to our loved ones.

There is no marriage in our religion. You are only asked to hold hand with your life partner through the entire American Gladiators course. If you can accomplish that feat you are deemed “best buds” and are allowed to have sex in public.

Jean Claude Van Damme is our current pope and he talks to Mr. Stupendous through Penepathy (telepathy of the penis).

Every Monday is a religious holiday. The only problem is that we haven’t come up with a name for each holiday on the calendar. I am sure we will run into problem with all these non believers and their five day work week, but we shall press on.

That is pretty much all that I have at this time, but I am more than willing to take suggestions on what it is that you would like this religion to base its faith in. Besides I...I mean MR. Stupendous has not released his commandments.

Monday, July 21, 2008

I get my new Zubaz in the mail today

It is a magical day in the Destruction household for today is the day when my families’ Zubaz arrive. If I could describe today I would say that it is if someone had taken Kwanza, Christmas and Hanukah and wrapped them into one gigantic super holiday. That is how good I feel about these pants. And why not? Look at the beauty, the craftsmanship. You have to be careful walking down the street wearing these things because more than likely someone is going to try and rape you. I am not one to worry about such trivial things so I will be wearing these constantly. I won’t be just wearing them. I will be making them look good too. Dare I say better than a young Dan Marino.

I do dare, and I don’t even have the benefit of isotoners. Fuck you Dan and your non super bowl winning ass.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Coming back to work sucks

I took a long weekend and now getting back to work has been pretty hard. I don’t know if you have heard of these things called rum runners but holy shit are they a kick in the pants. When I got to the bar on Friday I was told if I had a tab that was over twenty five dollars that my parking would be validated. Shrewd move on there part, but the problem is that I don’t eat food unless I have killed it with my bare hands or ripped it from the earth myself. Do you have a hard on after hearing that? I do. Anyways, due to my position on food I was left to a strictly liquid diet. Therefore, I would like to give you a drink by drink examination of getting my parking validated.

Drink one – Oh this tastes good. It’s like an adult slurpee, and would you look at all the rum that they put on top for you. A little umbrella too!! I think I may have to try another one of these.

Drink two – Holy shit my brain hurts. Do they put ice from Antarctica in these things? I mean my head seriously hurts right now. I should probably have one more just to make sure that it is not the drink that is giving me this splitting headache.

Drink three – No longer have any pain in my head. Obviously it wasn’t the drink that was making me feel that way. Although I am now noticing that people are starting to make sure I don’t fall over on them. Can’t they see that I am just dancing to the oldies cover band?

Drink four – I just had a conversation with one of the security personnel. I don’t know what the word 86’d means, but he said it quite a few time. I have never seen someone’s face turn that shade of burgundy when they are talking to you but I don’t think they are happy.

Drink five – Good news, I just got my parking validated. Bad news, I pissed myself and that guy is walking over this way to talk with me again. His face is now crimson.

Drink six – I had to take this one in the bathroom because a bunch of these jerks keep trying to talk to me about something or other. I bet they just want to have a sip of my drink. Guess what? They aren’t getting none of it. Nones I tell you.

Drink seven – whas the problem ya jerk. I only hads twose of those…..how come my parking valimated zen? I donut know. Maybe this was yur plan all along assface.

I am not sure how the rest of the evening turned out but I stayed in a lovely little 6X6 room. It didn’t have cable but at least when I got to my car the next morning my parking had been taken care of. Now the only thing I have to worry about are the lawsuits.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

What's up bud

Hey bud. Yeah, whats up bud? How you doing bud? Yeah I just wanted to check in and see how things were going with getting those St. Mary’s tickets bud. It is a really great deal. Right now there’s like six of us Bud. Yeah all the dudes are going to be going. So can I lock you in as one of the six bud? Awesome. Yeah I think I am going to go play some tennis after work today bud. My dad and I are going to play a little tennis and then going to head over to the greek theatre to catch a show bud. I have to go to the bathroom now bud. Yeah I am gonna stand up in the stall with my baby dick in my hands as always bud. I wore the sandals to work again bud. So I don’t want to stand in pee bud. Can't do that to the flops bud.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

We need to formulate a plan

Obviously we have fallen into a slump in regards to the programming that is on TV these days. Case in point would be the Hills and the “stars” of the show. It just boggles my mind that shows like A-Team and Macguyver are no longer on TV while these people are getting interviewed on Letterman and getting paid money to show up at places. Just to show up at places! I could do that. Shit, I could do that naked if you paid me enough, and by enough I mean dinner and free drinks. The problem is that I have come to realize that this show or the fame of these retarded spoiled children is not going to go away any time soon. That is why it is time to formulate a plan. Here are some of the ideas that I have been pushing around the home office.

Kill all of them

Yeah that’s it. I think that for the longest time I was really over thinking how to put an end to this. I mean there are so many other ways that this show could begin to decline in ratings and grow old and stale, but I can’t wait that long. This needs to end now. I don’t care how it’s done. If it takes me using all of my money to hire a group of Ninjas assassins, then that’s what needs to be done. Also, it is smart to note that we need to include the producers and people involved in the writing for the show to be killed too. This isn’t one of those situations were you cut the head off and the body dies. If you cut the head off the body would still have a bunch of no talent ass clowns coming out with clothing lines and horrible music. Basically, I want to get my hands on a very small nuclear weapon and try to detonate it at the next premier for the show. Now if I only hadn’t burned all those bridges with the government earlier in my life. In fairness I had no idea that illegal plutonium sales were frowned upon.

Monday, July 07, 2008

I went to the thong pull this weekend

The fourth of July weekend is not complete unless you can get to an event that really showcases the greatness of America. Unfortunately, the monster truck rally was two towns over and I was too drunk to drive, plus Skeeter said his old lady wasn’t going to drive us “nowhere” because she smoked up all their meth. Therefore, I had to settle with going to the annual thong pulling competition held in the town square. It is nice to be able to drink a bottle of Everclear and be the most sober person at the event. I definitely got there at the right time because they were just starting to weigh in the contestants and check their thongs for tampering. After grabbing a complimentary beer koozie and a seat I readied myself for some good old fashioned competition. If you have never had a chance to attend one of these events before it works this way;

Three females (can be post op) are put into the middle of the town square wearing only their sturdiest thong and classiest White Snake, Ratt, or Cinderella belly t shirt. Before the competition begins and everyone has turned off their hogs (that means both motorcycles and penises) each female contestant is given a rock of Meth, a flask of rum, and 5 twelve packs of whatever beer the Walmart had thrown out for going bad. The contestants are then moved to the starting line and each given a sled. The course is 100 yards long and is mostly flat minus the spectators that have passed out or died on it. Everyone in the crowd is allowed to bring rotten fruit to throw at the contestants, or to eat. At the blast of the Mayor’s shotgun the race will begin, as well as the strategy.

Each contestant must first smoke all of their meth and drink their flask of Rum before going past the starting line. This usually poses no problems as most contestants are weathered women of the night. This concoction is like Whore Gatorade. With the five twelve packs of beer on their sleds it is up to the contestants to decide if they want to lighten their load by drinking the beer off of their sled. If you have never pulled a bunch of beers on a sled using only a thong then you need to understand that a good portion of beers need to be drank so that the thong doesn’t break. Did I mention that if the thong breaks the first man to touch her is given a free hour of alone time with the contestant? Well, that’s what happens. Basically, the contestants usually have to drink most of there twelve packs before they can really start pulling that sled. That is if they are still breathing. In the end the woman to cross the finish line first wins a live chicken, two cartons of Menthols, and a new thong for next years competition. That’s because the winner gets invited to compete in next year’s contest, if they are still alive.

This year’s winner was Becky Joe Tate with a new record time of three hours and thirteen minutes. She outlasted two very worthy contestants to earn her first victory. I think she also turned a few heads and may have some new gentleman suitors that are trying to catch her eye, all in all a wonderful day for Becky Joe, America, and most importantly myself. Although, I still wish I could have made it to the monster truck jam.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Somebody better write Snow Dogs 2

I am a huge fan of movies. I don’t know if you knew that, but now that you do listen to what I am saying. There needs to be a sequel to Snow Dogs, and Cuba Gooding Jr. needs to be attached to star. All I know is that this movie is a sure hit. I will gladly tell you my idea but first a synopsis of the first film;

When Miami dentist Ted Brooks (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) learns that his birth mother has passed away and that he was named in her will, he travels to Alaska to claim his inheritance. Rather than the large chunk of change that many people would expect, Ted instead receives his mother's pack of rowdy sled dogs and her property. Although the dogs seemingly have it in for Ted, he decides to keep the dogs and race them in the local race, the Arctic Challenge, spiting a mountain man (played by James Coburn) who wants the dogs. What follows is a comedy detailing Ted's adventures in learning to run the sled dogs.

If you aren’t already on the way to the video store to catch up on the first one I am very confused. How could you not love this movie idea? A dentist from Miami, in Alaska? Genius! How is he possibly going to be able to survive in that type of situation? Well without trying to ruin the movie he does just fine and learns some valuable lessons on the way, albeit hilariously.

I think that the problem right now is that there is no starting point for the second movie. This is where I come in. My idea is as solid as a rock. Here is my pitch;

The second movie is going to find Cuba and the Snow Dogs transplanted back in Miami. This time it’s the dogs that are going to be out of their environment. Oh BOY! Of course, the first twenty or thirty minutes will be about the dogs getting assimilated to living on Cuba’s turf and dealing with the beach and ocean. One day when they are down at the beach they notice a flyer for dog Olympics, and because Cuba wants to show off how awesome his dogs are to his cute next door neighbor with the dauschound, they enter the contest. We will have to have a villain and if we could I would like to get Martin Short. I figure he could do a vaguely gay/European accent and have a troop of super agile poodles. Can you imagine how funny that would be? Anyways, a few montages mixed with an awkward date and we have enough filler to get to the finals of the competition where the snow dogs dig deep and win the dog Olympics. After that I guess we could have Cuba marry his neighbor with all the dogs in attendance in tuxedos. That doesn’t really matter because I am open to ideas. There is only one thing that I am adamant about and that is the title. The only name for this movie is Snow Dogs 2: Life’s a Beach.