Tuesday, July 29, 2008

For my next trick...

As many of you know I am a new age renaissance man. I have applied myself in the many pleasures of life albeit that they tend to be more on the extreme side. If you have forgotten here are a few of my more dubious achievements;

First man to Hang Glide in space

Bungee Jumped at the top of the Himalayas’ without oxygen

Beat up the entire South Central Bloods using only an aquasock and my bare hands

Surfed Mavericks on a Taco Bell tray

Went against Dear Abby’s advice and decided not to apologize to the parents of the child that I told Santa and the Easter bunny had been killed by a guerilla fighting force from Canada

Visited New Jersey and never said “ova here” or “OH!!!”

Put pop rocks in my ears and then got a wet willy

Watched Oprah for a day straight

All of these accomplishments are a testament to the remarkable courage and dedication that I have to accepting the extreme challenges this world can offer us. This leads me to my most extreme challenge to date, to have sex with Amy Winehouse.

It poses a few problems right off the bat. First, how is it that you are going to get her attention? Well, I figure I will just dress up as a gigantic crack rock or perhaps a shiny new hypodermic needle. Once I have her lured in to me I will simply put on my home made cologne made specifically for her. The cologne is called Hot Butt and features smell notes of cigarettes, box wine, cigars, feces and peppermint. This will no doubt lead to some sort of sexual contact. By my calculations I will need 16 condoms, protective goggles and a full wetsuit for one thrust. If I follow these precautions to the T, I believe that I will make it out alive and with the title of most extreme person ever.

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