Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Transformers Spoilers

Mike Bay and I are pretty tight. Yes, I call him Mike. You could say we are pretty good friends. It’s been that way ever since we met on vacation in St. Barts 15 years ago. It was there that we found we both enjoy the simple pleasures in life (explosions, hookers, hunting people). When you share those common bonds and a similarly opulent lifestyle it is easy to grow close. Due to that relationship Mike will sometimes let me in on some movie secrets. This weekend I joined him for margaritas at a titty bar floating around the earth and he told me about some other spoilers that will be in the Transformer movie. Please continue reading if you want the movie ruined for you.

Shia Lebouf dies in the first five minutes of the movie. They implant a transformer in his lifeless body. This later helps him win a break dance competition against Megatron.

One of the Decepticons is Dilbot. He disguises himself as something I can’t share right now. All I will say is that it involves Megan Fox and bubble baths.

A lot of the story has to do with Megatron and Optimus Prime and the falling out they had as brothers. Turns out this whole thing started over an argument about whether not 48 Hours should have had a sequel.

My Transformer Gus will play a small role as the retarded transforming gas station attendant.

Mike Bay will be voicing one of the robots himself. The robot’s name is Baycon and he is a transforming stove.

In the end there will be a robot Royal Rumble that is held in the new Dallas Cowboys Stadium. The winner of the battle is granted sole control of the galaxy and both the World Champion and Intercontinental Champion Belts.

Mike has assured me that he has more than doubled the sweat, grime and slow motion boob shots from the last movie.

All voice-overs will be done by Daniel Stern(Home Alone/Wonder Years). He is also now doing the voice for Optimus Prime.

So there are a few more reasons to go out and see this movie. If not for the action and adventure do it to support my buddy Mike. Sure he already has a ton of money and work for the rest of his life, but he has dreams of building the first country club on the moon. Do you want to tell him he can’t do that?

1 comment:

AL ONION said...

man....this movie sucks