Friday, February 01, 2008

Plan: Acquire, then liquidate Yahoo Inc's soul


The associated press has been grossly misinformed regarding a potential Yahoo acquisition. Popular sources have revealed that small internet start up, Microsoft Corp who operates out of a strip mall in northern Washington state, has attempted to purchase the internet giant Yahoo. When, in actuality, I had been negotiating on behalf of the Carmichael Corporation with Yahoo for over a year. I am not a man of convention or common practices - so you can imagine everyone's shock when I addressed the board of directors at Yahoo thusly:

“Gentleman, Yahoo has totally sharted the bed here. Clearly your users are starving for more pornography. There is too much useless content on your website that mires people down in the daily doses of the news, email, movie times, and phone book listings."

When you can walk into the room with stones like that people pay attention, or call security. In this case they paid attention. Now the only thing left to do was cross the t’s and dot the i’s. There was also the matter of money but I hoped we could make the deal without it. The final transaction between Yahoo and the Carmichael Corporation was sealed over a handshake and the ritualistic and brutal sacrifice of the nearest mailroom employee. I ate his heart, literally swallowed it while it was still beating, right there in the board room while the most powerful men in business watched me. Then I grabbed the chairman's tie and wiped some blood from the corner of my mouth and said “we'll be in touch.” Looks like the old rainmaker closed another deal. - DF

4 comments:

Matt said...

That is one cold dude....

Connor Pritchard said...

Burt always likes to wash down his beating hearts with a razzmatazz jamba juice. Upon entering the store his death glance immediately changed the track from Len's Walkin on Sunshine to Jethro Tulls Fat Man. His breath alone got the to chulupa eating watermelon lotion smelling mexican workers pregnant. with twins.

Mickey said...

Burt definitely has a big pair of huevos. He must have a hernia from carting that pair around. I think he should of gone Daniel Day-Lewis on those Yahoo geeks and said, "I drink your milkshake!"

Mickey said...

Burt definitely has a big pair of huevos. He must have a hernia from carting that pair around. I think he should of gone Daniel Day-Lewis on those Yahoo geeks and said, "I drink your milkshake!"