Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Beware of Uncle Benny


Not many people know this, but the piers of San Francisco are ruled by a shadowy figure known only by the name Uncle Benny. I am risking my own life telling you what little I do know about this mystical crime figure. Contrary to popular belief this is not the same Uncle Ben of rice serving fame. This Uncle Benny is from Southeast Asia and has been in the city by the bay for close to a hundred years. Some of the facts that we have been able to verify in our dossier;

He has his hands in many different business ventures but none more successful than his string of donut, laundry and firework stores that he uses as elaborate fronts for beedie/cigarillo rolling

Long, gnarled, tobacco stained fingers as a result of that

Hates cats

Diminutive in stature, but a commanding presence

He rules with an iron foot as his hands have deteriorated from arthritis

Uncle Benny uses mail order brides from any impoverished nation as long as the girls are “clean”

Phenemonal mahjong player

He makes a killing with corn dog booths at farmer’s markets and fairs

His real name isn’t Ben

He also does catering for bat mitzvahs

Refuses to call Soccer Futbol

Once killed a man for riding by one of his restaurants and asking for him by name. Upon hearing that Uncle Benny was not around the man rode off in a huff. That was the last huff he ever rode off in.

This is all I have at the moment, but the more information that we have the better. Please leave your tips in the comments or send me an email if you know something that I already don’t.

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