Dancing with the Stars made a huge mistake

I was watching TV last night in my underground fortress when I noticed that a new season of Dancing with the Stars is on. It surprised me because I had not been asked to be on the show yet. I figured by now they had gotten to my status of celebrity which is no status. I mean Kim Kardashian is on the show and she is famous for letting someone piss on her. Now I am not saying that I would let someone piss on me to be on DWTS but I would hope that some of the other things I have done in life would get me on that stage. But Burt, why would you care about being on DWTS when you have done so many other awesome things and chicks in you lifetime? I know that this question was inevitable but I will tell you why. I think I can win this thing.
Very few people know that I was once a three time Salsa dance champion. I used to teach salsa and perform in annual tournaments around the country. I have a natural gift for dance. It is as though god made me a vessel to deliver the sexiest moves this earth or any earth (except for middle earth) has ever seen. The one thing that does worry me is that this is not just a Salsa competition, there are many different types of dancing moves that I will need to master. I am not worried though. If that hyperventilating piglet Marie Osmand can do the rumba then anything is possible. Besides, the real way to win this thing is to wear tighter pants than all the other contestants and to dance with a semi. The only people that call in and vote for this show are gay men and women over the age of 65. This thing is in the bag.