Friday, September 12, 2008

ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!


Man oh man do I hate Fridays sometimes. Although people are generally happier because the weekend is here it isn’t always the easiest day to get through. Sometimes when I work on Friday’s I often wonder what it would be like if everybody got up and started rioting.

I have been to prison many times in my life and I feel like I have gotten to experience a few really good riots. Besides the occasional knife fight in the shower and making wine in your toilet, riots really are what make prison life bearable. It gives you a chance to get creative and get some of that aggression out. When else are you going to have that much time to make a really fancy shank or cut that guy’s stomach up whose really been asking for it? After you have sealed off the entrances with barricades you tend to focus on those things a lot. I mean the only real bummer about a prison riot, a good prison riot, is when the guards come back armed with tear gas and non-lethal weaponry, but I digress. Now that I have been out of prison for a while I have missed that visceral experience.

Why can’t we have a riot here in our corporate office? I could see how this would go down. Someone from Human Resources explains that we are going to be downsizing and that there will be significant pay cuts. At the company meeting to make this announcement someone will inevitably tackle the CEO and take them hostage. There isn’t enough security to take on a rabid workforce of underpaid people so they will have to retreat and negotiate later. Meanwhile, a couple more of the higher ups have been held hostage with the CEO in that one cramped meeting room that smells like someone spilt coffee in it. The next step would be to fashion weapons and I think that the supply closet would be of great benefit for making that extra special weapon. I think if it were up to me I would try to make stapler nunchucks. Now all that is left to do is block the entrances and ration the food from the vending machines. Inevitably, there is going to be a power struggle and the cops are eventually going to get brought in. All riots come to an end sooner or later but I think that with the right type of planning and positive attitude it could last for well over a week. Any thoughts on how to maintain an office riot?

1 comment:

AL ONION said...

After securing the hostages, we shall set up a swirly station in the restroom, the one with small obnoxious stalls and coarse tp. The powerful flush will definetly teach them a lesson and ring loudly in their ears, and a clean toilet bowl is no guarantee. With each flush little pooplets of their massive ego turds will go down the drain.
The stampler numchuck is a fine accompaniment to the unplugged phone receiver mace.
Final interogation will commence at the copy machine as we visually document the fear on their oh-so-important faces and slam the cover on their heads and tape their eyelids open. Blinded by the riot motherfuckers. Let's dance