Applebee’s has gone too far this time. Those assholes sent me a cease a desist order saying that I was no longer welcome in their restaurants. Every single restaurant that they own, even the ones in Mexico. I think that they should have just heard me out instead of getting the law involved. Is it too much for me to ask for my own shrine or wall of fame? I noticed in many of your commercials that you honor the local coach or teacher with a piece of history honoring their legacy and accomplishment. This usually means some sort of crappy picture or memento that symbolizes their contribution to the community. Why then will you not honor your local shark slaying, unicorn enthusiast? I understand that I may have been a little bit short with the staff in the past. That time that I passed out at the bar was an unfortunate event, and that hostess’s ass ran into my hand not the other way around. I guess the straw that broke the camels back though was my request for a shrine. Yes, I went to the bathroom on my table when I was informed of the decision to not put me on the wall of fame and no, I did not mean to make all the other patrons sick. Listen, I am over this whole wall of fame thing. I say let bygones be bygones and allow me to once again frequent your restaurants. I promise that I will never defecate on a table in anger again. Please? I am lost without your appetizer sampler, and Chili’s gives me number 3.
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