Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Burt 1 - Scientology 0


It has taken some time but I have come to the decision that I need to come up with my own religion. In our world today there are so many options in which one can put their faith in. We have groups like Kabbalah and Opus Dei that are offshoots of mainstream religions. There are non denominational religions that focus on a multitude of different things as God, and of course there is Scientology (knuckleheads). What I have learned from Scientology is that you can basically make up your own religion and if you are crazy enough and committed to it people will follow you. Well I happen to be crazy, almost insane, and I think that I have just enough time between skeeball league and thong pulls to commit to this religion and increasing its congregation. I have decided to name the new religion Burtholiscm or Burtenomics. Here are a few of the more recently established tenements of the new religion;

Our god is named Mr. Stupendous and he is made of diamonds and can shoot lazers from his eyes. He lives in outer space with his wife, Donna Stupendous, and their 3,800 celestial children. He also shits stars and orgasms black holes.

You are more than welcome to eat meat on Fridays. The only thing you can’t eat is pussy. I am referring to both the genital and animal.

Once a week our congregants must take a bowel movement standing up. In our bible, the Super Awesome Book of Power, Sex and Mad Libs, this process is referred to as “the process.”

There will be no masturbating, I repeat NO masturbating, between the one hour that Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune are running on you local cable access. You don’t have to watch the shows, but you can’t masturbate. Also, if you don’t have a TV just take an hour out of your day not to do it.

There will be no false gods. That includes Lebron James, Dom Delouise, Alex Trebek or myself.

Each year on December 26 we remember the birth of Mr. Stupendous by taking a naked hot tub and re-gifting birthday presents to our loved ones.

There is no marriage in our religion. You are only asked to hold hand with your life partner through the entire American Gladiators course. If you can accomplish that feat you are deemed “best buds” and are allowed to have sex in public.

Jean Claude Van Damme is our current pope and he talks to Mr. Stupendous through Penepathy (telepathy of the penis).

Every Monday is a religious holiday. The only problem is that we haven’t come up with a name for each holiday on the calendar. I am sure we will run into problem with all these non believers and their five day work week, but we shall press on.

That is pretty much all that I have at this time, but I am more than willing to take suggestions on what it is that you would like this religion to base its faith in. Besides I...I mean MR. Stupendous has not released his commandments.

4 comments:

Dr. Satisfaction said...

Where do I go for a baptisim? Cause I'm your new f'n desciple Burt.

Mickey said...

I down with everything but taking a shit while standing. What about when you've just eaten a boat load of bad oysters? I don't care if you're Jesus, Yaweh, or Mr Fricking Stupendous. I aint doing my business standing under those conditions. No way Jose.

Mickey said...

I down with everything but taking a shit while standing. What about when you've just eaten a boat load of bad oysters? I don't care if you're Jesus, Yaweh, or Mr Fricking Stupendous. I aint doing my business standing under those conditions. No way Jose.

Mickey said...

I down with everything but taking a shit while standing. What about when you've just eaten a boat load of bad oysters? I don't care if you're Jesus, Yaweh, or Mr Fricking Stupendous. I aint doing my business standing under those conditions. No way Jose.