I went to the thong pull this weekend

The fourth of July weekend is not complete unless you can get to an event that really showcases the greatness of America. Unfortunately, the monster truck rally was two towns over and I was too drunk to drive, plus Skeeter said his old lady wasn’t going to drive us “nowhere” because she smoked up all their meth. Therefore, I had to settle with going to the annual thong pulling competition held in the town square. It is nice to be able to drink a bottle of Everclear and be the most sober person at the event. I definitely got there at the right time because they were just starting to weigh in the contestants and check their thongs for tampering. After grabbing a complimentary beer koozie and a seat I readied myself for some good old fashioned competition. If you have never had a chance to attend one of these events before it works this way;

Three females (can be post op) are put into the middle of the town square wearing only their sturdiest thong and classiest White Snake, Ratt, or Cinderella belly t shirt. Before the competition begins and everyone has turned off their hogs (that means both motorcycles and penises) each female contestant is given a rock of Meth, a flask of rum, and 5 twelve packs of whatever beer the Walmart had thrown out for going bad. The contestants are then moved to the starting line and each given a sled. The course is 100 yards long and is mostly flat minus the spectators that have passed out or died on it. Everyone in the crowd is allowed to bring rotten fruit to throw at the contestants, or to eat. At the blast of the Mayor’s shotgun the race will begin, as well as the strategy.

Each contestant must first smoke all of their meth and drink their flask of Rum before going past the starting line. This usually poses no problems as most contestants are weathered women of the night. This concoction is like Whore Gatorade. With the five twelve packs of beer on their sleds it is up to the contestants to decide if they want to lighten their load by drinking the beer off of their sled. If you have never pulled a bunch of beers on a sled using only a thong then you need to understand that a good portion of beers need to be drank so that the thong doesn’t break. Did I mention that if the thong breaks the first man to touch her is given a free hour of alone time with the contestant? Well, that’s what happens. Basically, the contestants usually have to drink most of there twelve packs before they can really start pulling that sled. That is if they are still breathing. In the end the woman to cross the finish line first wins a live chicken, two cartons of Menthols, and a new thong for next years competition. That’s because the winner gets invited to compete in next year’s contest, if they are still alive.

This year’s winner was Becky Joe Tate with a new record time of three hours and thirteen minutes. She outlasted two very worthy contestants to earn her first victory. I think she also turned a few heads and may have some new gentleman suitors that are trying to catch her eye, all in all a wonderful day for Becky Joe, America, and most importantly myself. Although, I still wish I could have made it to the monster truck jam.